Edited

~Kaylee

The first thing I noticed when I walked into school was the group of girls surrounding my locker. I scrunched my face wondering what the heck they could possibly want when I remembered Christian’s locker was next to mine.

Sighing, I realised I might have to face this every day. Moving closer, I expected them to shift as they were leaning on my locker. Instead, they glanced at me, ignored me and continued their conversation.

I glared at them as they pretended not to notice me.

Like who did they think they were? I wasn’t stopping them from being the thirsty girls they were, but away from my locker was all I asked for.

And they had the freaking guts to pretend like I didn’t exist!

Isn’t that what you always want? The inner voice in my head asked and I had to resist the urge to strangle it even though that would be impossible.

“Hey ladies” I heard Christian say from behind me and immediately they straightened up and stared at him dreamily.

I looked at them then at Christian, them again and then at him. I squinted my eyes trying to see what they were seeing, maybe I’m blind?

“H-hey, I’m Luna.” one of one girls said, particularly the one that was directly in front of my locker.

Luna, short for Lunatic.

“We just wanted to invite you to our table for lunch.” another one spoke up shyly.

“Sounds cool. By the way I think you’re in her way” Christian said referring to me and they finally moved.

“Oh sorry, we didn’t notice you” Luna said flashing me a fake smile with her eyes glaring daggers at me.

Well it’s a good thing I reciprocated as the kind person I was.

“We’ll see you later” Luna said breaking eye contact with me and they left.

“I didn’t need your help you know” I said opening my locker.

“Yeah and standing glaring at them was going to work how exactly? “ He asked sarcastically.

Deeming it unworthy of a response, I stayed silent. It would have worked... eventually.

“Besides why didn’t you just tell them to leave, you talk to me why don’t you talk to any other person?” He asked.

“You really didn’t give me much of a choice.” I replied looking at my class schedule for the day. “Besides, talking means I’m open for a conversation, being open for a conversation means friendship. I don’t want that.”

“Why?” He asked.

Slamming my locker shut, I turned to him.

“Some questions are best left unanswered.” I said slinging my bag over my shoulder and walking away.

Everywhere was dark and cold.

I didn’t know what was going on, where I was and how I got there.

I couldn’t even see myself.

“Hello” I called out in a small voice.

To who? Anybody!

“Hi sweetie, I missed you” I heard the familiar and warm voice of my mother say from behind me.

But how? She was gone....

I turned around but there was no one.

“Mom? ....h-hello...” I called out in a shaky voice.

I felt a hand touch my shoulder and I immediately spun around.

My mom stood there with a sad smile on her face. She wore a long white gown and her skin as deathly pale, her eyes looked lifeless.

I was confused, I was scared. “Mom?”

“It’s me sweetie.” She smiled stretching her ams out for hug.

I found myself hugging her even though I wasn’t entirely sure what was going on, she was here now and that was all that mattered to me at the moment.

“Mom, I missed you so much.” I hugged her tightly till I felt nothing but air.

When I opened my eyes, she was gone. Tears were streaming down from my eyes now.

What was going on and where was mom?

“Y-you killed him! He died because of you!” I heard my mom yell from behind me.

Once again, I turned around to see my mom sobbing on the floor.

I took a step back shaking my head.

“I- I’m sorry. I didn’t know.” I breathed out shakily as I fell on my knees.

“You killed him! He’s gone! He’s gone! You took him from me!” She yelled her voice getting higher and higher as she pointed at me.

I was shaking. I was scared.

“I-I didn’t-“

“You see why I left too?” She asked me tilting her head with a sick smile on her face.

Jolting up, I woke up from my dream sweating and crying uncontrollably.

Dreams like that were not new to me but it still got me every single time. It haunted me over and over and I couldn’t do anything about it.

Collecting the locket on the bedside table, I put it on. Inside was a picture of my dad, mom and I when I was a little girl. Clutching it tightly in my hand, I slowly regain my breath and calmed down.

It’s just a dream, I told myself.  I keep telling myself that all the time but another part of me keeps reminding me that it was the truth after all...

Ignoring all my thoughts, I checked the time on my phone.

5:42

I wouldn’t be able to go back to sleep so I got up to start my day. I freshened up and got dressed before laying back down on my bed.

Taking one of my novels, I continued reading from where I stopped. Books where my safe haven and it helped take my mind off things.

In a few minutes, I would have to go down for breakfast and then take my drugs. Then go to the hospital, go for therapy, come back, have dinner and then take my drugs again.

Average Saturday for a girl with cancer, exciting right? Suddenly I became envious of the girl in the book I was reading.

I’d do anything to exchange with Alice and the amazing wonder land life adventures she had. I suddenly wished it was Monday again.

Going to the hospital was a regular thing for me but somehow I ended up hating it even more every visit.

I was constantly tired of hearing the same thing over and over.

It was mostly,

“You’ll be fine “

“Your drugs are really working wonders for you”

“I can already see some improvements”

Let me interpret them for you accordingly.

“You have months left to live, who knows you could possibly just drop dead one day”

“Your drugs don’t do shit but we won’t tell you cause we want your money!”

“And yes improvements, if you mean backwards “

Doctors are great and everything, but not everyone could be saved and I was unfortunately one of them.

So there’s really no point in lying to me, I could see behind the fake smiles and the pity clearly shining in their eyes.

Therapy…

Choose between going to the hospital and going to therapy. I’d rather be in the hospital all the day.

Why the hell would I want to pay someone to listen to my problem and try to fix them for me? They weren’t me and I wasn’t them.

They weren’t in my shoes so they have no freaking idea what my problems actually feels like. I can tell them but they don’t know what it means to actually have those problems.

And then at the end of the day, I’m expected to listen to whatever they conclude as the solution.  Apparently my uncle thinks so, so that’s why I’m stuck going for these therapy sessions every Saturday.

Now don’t get me wrong...again. Therapists were great and all, it feels nice to pour out your soul to someone who was listening.  Not for me however.

But most of the therapists I had been through always looked at me sadly or differently cause they knew I had cancer. I wasn’t looking for pity neither was I some sad little girl you couldn’t help feeling sorry for.

That’s the first thing that puts me off therapy.

And secondly, knowing me well by now, I’d say being verbal wasn’t exactly a skill I possessed. So that’s why I had no problem sitting down, facing my therapist directly and saying absolutely nothing.

Sighing, the brunette middle aged woman dropped her note pad.

“I guess we’ll try another day” She said and that was the end of the session today.

Now I’m back again staring at the heaps of drugs in front of me.

Back to the same thing over and over.

Nothing’s changed. Everything is the same. I’m not looking for a big adventure or something exciting to happen, even I know not to dream too much, I just needed a little change.

So you see why I may be looking forward to Monday just a little? The only little change in my life for a long time now.

That little change was him.

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