I hate myself for loving you
Can't break free from the the things that you do
I wanna walk but I run back to you that's why
I hate myself for loving you

Trixie's POV

It was Saturday in the afternoon; I was talking with Lasky while she was trying to take me into the speed zone. Since she saw me making out with Katya, she'd been completely unbearable, and she was doing nothing but trying to get us to see each other.

And speaking of the Russian, she'd been avoiding me since the photo shoot. I didn't understand what I'd done wrong, but whatever I did, I regretted it a lot. I probably said something stupid, or maybe I'd been so immature, I was pretty sorry. In all the rest of the week, she didn't go to the Institute for the twins; she didn't answer my texts and calls. I must admit it; the cravings were killing me, so once and for all, I decided to go to the speed zone to confront her. Trixie Mattel doesn't stand by.

It was getting dark, and I was almost ready for Lasky to pick me up, even though I was still hesitant to wear Katya's jacket, I decided to wear it. I had nothing to lose, after all.

I went down to meet the blonde's car where she was alone, without Sharon for the first time in a long time.

"Hi baby, nice jacket," she mocked me, by starting her mom's car.

"Shut up," I said, smiling "And Sharon?"

"She's probably already there, she took her motorcycle,"

"Are you running with her today?"

"I hope so, today the muses run too," she said laughing.

"What is a muse?"

"For what Sharon has explained to me, it's the girls who motivate them to run and wish them luck when they don't run with them, it's a tradition of the place," she explained funnily "I heard the names of his muses are tattoed as thanks,"

"Did Sharon get your name tattoed?"

"No, not yet, but can you imagine her doing it? It would be amazing," she said with a gigantic smile.

"It would be stupid,"

"Well, I think it would be very adorable," she answered with a cute laugh.

We didn't talk the rest of the way; in my head, it was just a stupid question: Katya would have a muse? That question was killing me, and I wished so hard the answer was negative.

When we got to the place, they gave me even more cravings, it was full of old people that I definitely didn't know. It was more than obvious that I didn't belong there because I stood out with my pastel yellow blouse and blue jeans, the only thing that made me look unnoticed was Katya's jacket. Lasky took my hand when she saw that I was lost and we headed to where her gothic girlfriend was.

"Noodles!" Alaska yelled excitedly to let go of my hand and embrace the dark-haired.

"Hey baby," she said to kiss her "Hi Trixie,"

"Hi Sharon," I greeted while Blair and Brianna approached, who stopped smiling to look each other worriedly.

"Trixie, we didn't know you were coming," Blair said, a little uncomfortable.

"Uh yeah, I don't have to do a lot," I answered, trying not to sound weird "What's going on?"

"Nothing! It's just weren't expecting you," Brianna rushed to say before the other girl could answer; something was definitely going on "Blair, how about you take Trixie to see the mural we did?"

"Oh yeah! You're gonna love it!" the little dark-haired said, holding my wrist.

"Blair, what's wrong? Why did you act so strange?" I asked confused, and instantly, I knew what was going on.

My gaze quickly turned to the Russian blonde who was passionately kissing the skinny dark-haired girl, and despite all the noise people were make screaming, I could hear my heart break; that's why she'd been avoiding me all week. I felt my eyes filled with tears, but I was so proud that at that moment, I promised myself I wouldn't drop a single tear.

"Listen Trix, Katya is very drunk, I swear she has no idea what she's doing," Blair said.

"We are nothing," I said simply, trying to swallow, but it was impossible for me because of the knot in my throat.

"Blair is right, plus, Violet is a slut, I can bet I saw her making out with a guy just now..."

"We are nothing," I repeated with pain in my voice "Katya and I are nothing, she can do whatever she wants,"

They both looked worriedly and turned to Sharon for help, but she was too busy devouring Lasky.

The sound of a siren took me from my thoughts. Everyone started screaming, which indicated it was race time.

"Trixie? What are you doing here?" oh great, when I thought my night couldn't get any worse, Jessie shows up.

"I only accompanied Lasky," I said, smiling fakely, as he hugged me with one hand my waist.

"Well, since she's pretty busy, come with me,"

"She's with us, isn't it, Trixie?" Brianna said, answering for me. Something told me she didn't dislike me anymore.

"It will be only a moment,"

I was about to respond when Sharon yelled to interrupt me.

"Katya! Don't you dare get on that motorcycle, you're too drunk!"

The Russian was about to scream at her when she realized my presence, and I felt my heart shrink again.

"Just a moment?" I asked Jessie what he only nodded at.

I sigh hardly before I look at the two girls in front of me, and walk away with him, avoiding seeing Katya again with Violet still in her arms.

***

Jessie kept her promise and just a moment after we were with his friends, we went back to where Lasky, however, he didn't leave me.

We were just talking about the race a few moments ago when the Russian showed up pretty drunk with her hair all messed up, and everyone (except me) stared at her.

"Hey, what's up?" she asked, hugging Brianna, who abruptly pulled away.

"What the hell did you consume, Yekaterina?"

"Nothing, I just drink a little,"

"I'm serious, what did you consume?"

"Violet probably gave me some of her weed, you know how she gets after doing that,"

I felt my body tense before her words; she was drugged. Jessie felt my discomfort and asked me:

"Do you want to go, princess?"

"Don't call her that," Katya said sharply, and instantly felt my face turn completely red.

"Why? Are you jealous that I have a beautiful girl who I can call princess?" he asked, challenging her, and I definitely knew it was a bad idea. She just stared at him angrily as the tension breathed all over the place "Let's go, princess," he ordered, highlighting the last word.

"I said that don't call her that!" she screamed angrily, hitting him.

Sharon and other guys had to separate them before Katya made him into pieces. I didn't realize I was shaking until Alaska held my hand tightly and hugged me.

"Let's go home," she whispered.

I just nodded with clumsy steps because of the tears in my eyes. I tried to steer carefully to where the car had been parked when I heard my name be pronounced in a Russian accent.

"Leave me alone!" I asked when the tears took hold of me.

"Listen to me,"

"No!" I shouted without turning.

She took me by the wrist and made me turn to stamp her lips sharply with mine. I stormed away from her grip and gave her a slap that resonated all over the place.

"Who the hell do you think you are, Katya? Whit what value do you kiss me after you fucked Violet and hit a guy for calling me with a stupid nickname? Don't think that a fucking kiss will fix things, I'm not like the others," I screamed angrily as the tears kept falling out of my face "I'm not like the other girls," I repeated.

I couldn't decipher her face. I didn't know exactly what she had in mind, Katya was a book I couldn't read at all. That only made me angrier than I thought possible.

"You're a fucking idiot, everything was going so well, why did you have to ruin it?" I asked without stopping crying as I took off the jacket and threw it at her "You have no idea how much I hate myself for loving you," I said, lowering the intensity of my voice.

I looked at her one last time, and again I couldn't decipher her gaze at all, but I can swear, I saw regret in her fucking blue eyes.

I turned around and got into Lasky's car with her following me quickly.

"I'm so sorry, baby," she said worriedly, making us go home.

I didn't answer, I just cried all the way at home, and when we got there, it was no different. Alaska agreed to stay over, and while we were putting on our pajamas, I could see my phone with some messages from Blair and Brianna, but none from Katya.

I took all the makeup off my face and went to bed to keep crying while Lasky caressed my hair.

"I'm an idiot, isn't it?"

"No Trix, she's the idiot," she said, drying my tears.

"I like her a lot, Lasky," I admitted for the first time out loud.

"I know," she replied, looking at me with a compassionate look.

All I could do was hug her and fall asleep in her arms thinking about everything that had happened tonight, and trying to convince myself how much I hate Katya, but it was impossible for me to do it.

Yekaterina Zamolodchikova was someone who wasn't meant for one person. She wasn't meant for love.

And even so, she had me hanging from her hands despite how angry I was with her.

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