Monday...

I got out of my car and locked it, putting my keys away. I slid my backpack on and pulled my hood up, following the boys as they walked ahead of me. I kept my head down, but looked up once we reached the inside of the building.

There was still about ten minutes until first period, so I went straight to the bathroom and walked in a stall. My hands were sweaty and I felt like my heart was about to pop out of my chest. I sighed and rubbed my face, deciding if I should smoke or not to help me calm down. I decided against it so instead, I calmed myself down by breathing slowly and walked out of the bathroom.

I walked through the halls until there were two minutes left for the bell to ring. I decided to head to class early so that I wouldn't be in the crowd of students getting to their classes. I went to Ollie's room and walked in, walking past his front desk to get to the back corner of the room. I sat down, placed my bag on the chair next to me, and put my head down.

These past few days were all the same. Friday morning, after I told the guys about my nightmare, they left after I reassured them that I would be fine staying alone in the house. I was actually terrified to be alone, but I didn't say anything because I didn't want to take their school time away. I was locked up in my room for the rest of the day and didn't leave the room until they came back from school, then the boys came back. I chose to tell them about my nightmare and they seemed happy that I wanted to talk about it. It felt good to open up, even though I still felt scared.

Dinner that night was the first time I had eaten in a whole day since I wasn't hungry. I wanted to smoke, but I held myself back. Friday night was the same thing. I had a similar nightmare about Mauricio choking me and telling me more things that I didn't deserve. I didn't get much sleep that night either and Saturday was the worst.

I had a couple panic and anxiety attacks which all happened when I was in my room alone. I didn't tell the guys until it was dinnertime. They were upset that I didn't go to them for help so I promised that if I could manage to get to them while I was panicking, I would go.

Saturday night was the same. It was just him telling me things to make me feel worse than I was already feeling. He made me feel more guilty for leaving and I think at one point, he told me that I shouldn't be alive because of how bad I hurt him. I woke up again and told the guys Sunday morning about my nightmare.

They had a serious talk with me that if I ever felt like hurting myself, that I should call them or go to them, but I already knew that. I felt like I needed to go to them for everything, but I was happy that they were helping me...

Even after I left them.

Something that hasn't changed, though, is that I still get irritated easily. I just feel so angry at times, but then I'd feel sad. A few times I sort of did lash out at one of the guys or even all of them, but I would calm myself down and apologize to them, and guess what? That would just add more to the pile of guilt that I was already feeling.

Another thing that I noticed is that since I haven't been smoking, I've been sadder and angrier. It's like smoking just makes me happy and calms me down. It makes me feel a bit better about myself, but only a bit.

I just wanted to leave school and go to that flower field. Now that it was winter, I wonder what it would look like. Would all the flowers be dead? Would some be alive and others dead? Or would it just be a muddy field?

Maybe I would be able to go tomorrow, but then I'd have to tell the guys where I'm going. I didn't want to break a rule, but I didn't want them to know where I was going. I would just decide if I wanted to go or not tomorrow.

I also missed Cameron, Hunter, and Evan. When I'm with them, I feel like I can just forget about everything. I can forget about the guys, friends, school, family, work, everything. I'm more at ease with them than the guys, but maybe that's just because I came back home after disappearing for five months.

The only reason they're still with you is because you came back. If you were gone for a week longer, the guys would've left you to die all alone in that big house of yours, but that's what you get.

You don't deserve to be happy again after the mess that you created. This is all your fault. They don't love you anymore. They're just putting up with you because you're back.

I pushed Mauricio's voice out of my head and looked around, furrowing my brows.

When did I get to second period?

"Alright class, turn in your work up front once the bell rings, and have a nice rest of your day."

I looked down at my paper and to the person's next to me. She was on the back page while I didn't even have my name written down.

I jumped when the bell rang and patted my chest, putting my stuff away. I walked to the front desk and waited until half of the class was gone to talk to the teacher.

"Um, Mr. Hall?"

He looked up from his desk and smiled. "Oh, look at you, Xavier. Are you feeling better?"

I nodded and cleared my throat. "Can I have all the work that I've missed these past few months?"

Mr. Hall nodded and looked through a cabinet, pulling out a fairly small stack of paper. "These are all the lessons that you've missed. I only put the most important parts so you don't have to do too much work. If you're confused on any questions, you can email me and I'll help you out."

"Thanks, also, when is this due?"

"I know that you'll be catching up on other classes, so turn it in in two weeks and I'll give you full credit for all the assignments you've missed, ok?" He gave me a small smile and I nodded.

"Thank you, Mr. Hall."

"No problem, Xavier. Have a nice day."

"You, too."

I walked out of class once the first bell rang. I looked around, then decided to go to the restroom. I locked the stall and pulled my backpack off, putting the packet of paper away. I reached into my front pocket and pulled the familiar tube out, debating if I should smoke a little bit just to make me calm down enough.

I sighed and pulled the lighter out from my other front pocket, pulling out the blunt from the tube and lighting the end.

The bell rang again and I quickly took a few hits, feeling the weed hit me after the fifth one. I put the end of the blunt out and put it back into the tube, quickly walking out of the restroom with my head down. I walked to my third period and opened the door, hearing the teacher's voice stop.

"You're already late on your first day back, Xavier?"

I held back my chuckle and nodded. "Sorry, I had to go to the restroom."

I briefly looked up at the class and found an empty seat near the window. I walked to the seat and put my stuff down, looking out the window. I laughed when I saw a squirrel trying to hide its food from a bird, then jumped when a book was slammed on my table.

"I told you to get a book from the back, Xavier!"

I covered my face and bit my lip, breathing hard when I saw an image of an explosion flash in front of my head. My whole body began to shake as I heard distant voices, but couldn't figure out what they were saying.

They got louder and louder until all I heard was Mauricio's voice.

Come on, Xavier!
You'll be mine soon!
You should run away again since it's the only thing you're best at!

"Xavier..."

"Stop..." A hand landed on my forearm, "Don't fucking touch me!"

I looked up to see Milo, "I'm sorry..."

I looked around the class and noticed that the students were staring at me. I saw Mason, Tristan, and Kody try to figure out what just happened to me by giving me questioning looks. Even the teacher looked shocked, but his face quickly turned into a scowl.

"Get out!"

I scoffed and grabbed my stuff, slamming the door open. I walked down the hall and heard footsteps run after me, so I slowed down.

"Xavier, wait..." I stopped once I heard Milo's voice, but looked forward, "Was it the book slamming on the table what set you off?"

I nodded, then turned around to face him. "I'm sorry, Milo, I didn't mean to shout-"

"Don't worry about that, Xavier. It's ok."

I looked at the floor, then up. "Milo, do you still love me?"

He nodded, "Of course, Xavier, why would you ask that?"

I shook my head and looked around us. "H-He keeps saying that you guys don't a-and-"

"Who?"

"M-Mauricio. He keeps telling me that n-none of you guys love me and that you guys a-are only here because I came back. You guys would've left me i-if I hadn't come back. I deserve to d-die alone."

I tensed when arms wrapped around me, but relaxed once I realized it was just Milo. He laid his head on my shoulder and kissed my neck.

"I could never stop loving you, Xavier. Even if you were to hurt me multiple times, I would never stop loving you because I'm obsessed with you and I always want to be near you. I don't want to leave your side ever because I love you so much."

I slowly wrapped my arms around him and felt the lump form in my throat. "I-I'm so sorry, Milo. I d-didn't mean to hurt you or the others. I was s-scared and I wasn't thinking r-right."

"It's ok, Xavier. You're back home and I'm happy."

I didn't let go of him. We just stood in the middle of the hall hugging and it felt so good to be able to hold somebody as I held them. I finally pulled away after a while and rubbed my face.

"Why haven't you been eating?"

I sighed tiredly and shrugged. "I haven't been hungry much."

"You only eat during dinner...and it's only half of the plate or less." Milo scrunched his brows together, "I noticed that you seem skinnier too, Xavier. Did you not eat during the months you were gone?"

"I did, but it wasn't that much. I wouldn't get hungry so I chose not to eat." I looked down.

"You have to start eating more, Xavier. We don't want you to get sick."

"I'll try my best, Milo, I promise."

He smiled and kissed my cheek. "I'm glad that you're trying to get better. I'm happy that you've opened up to us about everything that's been happening with you, too. It lets us know that you actually are trying."

I nodded, "I did say that I wanted to get better, yes?"

Milo chuckled and grabbed my hand. "Where should we go? The teacher didn't tell you where to go, so we can leave for a bit?"

"I wish, but I have to get the work from him that I've missed. He'll probably give me a ton of work." I rolled my eyes, but Milo tugged on my hand.

"I have notes and some assignments. You can just copy them and I'll help you with the work too, if you need it?"

"Thanks." I gave him a warm smile and looked around the halls, scanning to make sure that no one was here.

"Why do you keep looking around?"

I turned back to Milo, "What do you mean?"

"You've looked around the halls three times while we've been out here. It's only us."

I nodded, but looked past his head. "Right...I just feel like someone's gonna jump out...I'm not sure how to explain it..."

"Come on, Xavier." Milo pulled my hand so I followed him.

__________

"Where are you going?" I looked back at Mason.

"To the stall to change." I grabbed my gym clothes and took them with me to the restroom.

I pulled my hoodie off and looked at my right shoulder. The scar from the bullet healed up nicely and was just a light-pink mark on my skin. The mark on my left hip was also looking good. It was just a bit above my hip so I was still able to see the scar even if I had my jeans on.

I looked at my left arm and ran my right hand over my shoulder, feeling the rough skin. I stared at the wall and could see parts of the flashback from the day that we went to Mauricio's warehouse. I stopped touching my shoulder, but could still see the bits of images.

As I changed into my gym clothes, they kept replaying in my head even if I tried to make them go away. Everything sort of disappeared around me and all I could see were the images and scenes replaying over and over again.

The scenes were sort of foggy, though. Like they weren't too clear as if I didn't remember much of that certain time. I could hear a muffled grenade exploding in my ears and covered them, trying hard to get the scenes out of my head.

I'll never leave you...

"Xavier?"

"What?!" I glared at Tristan and looked around. I was standing in the middle of the gym, "What are we doing?"

"Basketball. Are you ok?" He looked at me and I nodded.

"Yeah, I'm fine. I just...forgot where I was for a second..."

The rest of class went by and fortunately, I didn't have another flashback during it. Fifth and six period were the same and I didn't forget to ask the teachers for my missing work.

It seemed like the only teacher that gave me a lot of work was my third period teacher, but I was expecting it. He's a grumpy old man that I absolutely did not like. I didn't care if he was going to die in a few years, or if he was going to die tomorrow, I wouldn't like him for the rest of my life.

Levi ended up driving us back home while I sat in the passenger seat. I sort of just looked out the window with a blank mind, which I would rather much have than scenes playing in my head over and over again. 

The car stopped as Levi parked and I quickly got out, running into the house. I swiftly greeted the guys and ran up to my room, laying down on the bed. I felt exhausted for no reason. Or maybe because of the flashbacks that I had?

I also may have panicked a few times during class, but I managed to stay calm on the outside so that I wouldn't catch the attention of the teacher or students around me.

I wanted to sleep for the rest of the day and do nothing, but then I realized that it was Monday and I would have my first therapy session today in two hours. I did not want to go after having experienced all of what happened today during school. I wanted to sleep for a while and have a break from people, but I had to go even if I didn't want to.

I whined quietly and sat up, opening my backpack and deciding to start on the missing work. I grabbed a pencil and decided to do English work first.

I had finished three pages when there was a knock on the door. It opened after a few moments and I looked up to see Benji pop his head in.

"Milo told us that you haven't been eating much."

I groaned internally and put my stuff down on the bed. "Yeah, because I'm not hungry, but I told him that I would try to eat more."

"The boys said that you didn't eat lunch and you didn't talk with them, either." Benji sat down on the edge of the bed in front of me.

"They didn't try talking to me?"

"They told me that they tried talking to you, but you wouldn't respond. Kai said that you seemed out of it during lunch and you were staring at nothing."

I scrunched my brows and tried thinking about lunch. I couldn't even really remember much about it. It's like part of my memory was missing or something. This whole day has been foggy for me. It's like parts of my memory were gone, but then I remembered somethings from today, and then I just could barely remember stuff, like I wasn't sure if something did happen or not.

"Xavier."

"Hm..." I stared at nothing, but then looked up at Benji, "Sorry, I just...I keep getting distracted."

"By what?"

"Nothing at all. I just zone out...sort of. Sometimes I'll have thoughts fill my head...or I'll see images and scenes...from the two days of the accidents, or I'll think about nothing. I've been having trouble concentrating on things, too." I stared at the floor and bit my lower lip.

Benji didn't say anything, or if he did, I didn't hear it. My mind just stayed empty, but I could hear Mauricio's voice at the back of my head, but I sort of tuned it out.

I felt a hand grab my hand and quickly looked down, then up at Benji. "What time do you have therapy?"

I looked at the time on my phone, "In about an hour, so I think I should get ready to leave."

I put my stuff away in my backpack and grabbed my phone. I looked around for my car keys, then remembered that Levi still had them from earlier. I left the room and heard Benji follow me out.

I went downstairs and walked to the living room, finding Levi cuddling on the couch with Enzo, Kai, and Quincy. I felt a bit of jealousy hit me, but pushed that away.

"Um, Levi?" He looked up at me and jutted his chin, "Where did you put my keys?"

"On the counter, why? Where are you going?"

The others looked at me and I went to the kitchen to grab my keys. "I have to go to therapy."

I walked out of the kitchen, but Benji followed me out. "I'll come with you."

"Don't worry, I can go by myself."

"But I don't think you should go by-"

"I said I can go by myself!" I stopped and looked at him, sighing, "Sorry, Benji, but I want to go by myself. I'll be fine. Tell the others where I'm going so they don't worry."

I walked out the front door and got in my car. I searched for the email that the doctor had sent me from Las Vegas. He let me know which was the best therapy center around my area that dealt with PTSD patients, so I knew that I was going to get the best help from them. I typed the location into my GPS and started the drive which was almost an hour away.

Thoughts ran through my head once it hit me that I was going to see a therapist. I began to get nervous and felt my hands begin to sweat on the steering wheel.

What if they can't help me? What if I'm too difficult to help? Will this actually help me get better?

There was deep laughter in my head and I groaned.

If they can't help you, Xavier, then you should run away again. Your lovers will just leave you and you'll die alone. You'll be getting what you deserve.

_________________________________

Xavier's got therapy in the next chapter! Y'all already know what's gonna happen.

What do you guys think?

Anyway, I hope you guys enjoyed, see you next time, BYE!!! :))

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