Hainsey

I'm a damned fool.

That's all I can think as I pull away to catch my breath and stop my head from spinning uncontrollably. It's the last thing I want to do, but it's something I need to do because I'm scared if I don't stop the kiss, I'm going to lose every bit of self-control I have.

I'm a damned fool because I never realized how much I wanted Ems. Since the moment I saw her, my emotions have been pulling me back and forth – I want her, then I don't want her, when the truth is I want all of her. So much.

Only there are two problems instead of one now. First of all, I still haven't told her about my mom. How the hell do I even bring that up? Second of all, she's going to be leaving when summer ends. Leaving me again. How am I supposed to deal with that?

"Hains?" she asks.

I look up and see the disappointment. It hurts that she's hurting, but I'm facing reality. Yeah, I want her more than ever, but what the hell is the point when she's going to slip between my fingers again? I mentally shake my head. It was bad enough when she left five years ago and something tells me this time is going to be a helluva lot worse if we go through with this.

Goddammit. Why did I give in and spill my guts? Why did I kiss her?

Her hands are still resting on my arms. I suddenly can't handle the fiery feeling she leaves behind on my skin. I can't handle her being close and acting so vulnerable. I can't find the words. I turn around, my legs filled with weights that make me feel like I'm walking underwater, and head for the front door. I need some air in order to clear my head. All the air in the cabin gives me is the scent of her perfume.

So I unlock the door and step outside.

It's fucking freezing, but it wakes me up – thank God. I need to be able to think straight if I'm going to figure this out.

I lean against the rotting wood of the railing that outlines the small front deck, keeping my back to Ems. I can't look at her anymore. It's too hard. I hear her, though, as her feet make soft thumps against the floorboards while she follows me. She stops just behind me.

"Hains," she says softly. "You're the main reason I came back. Yeah, I'm going to university in the fall. But I swear to you, to this fucked-up world, up, down, left, and right, that I am never going to leave you again."

I squeeze my eyes shut and breathe in the scent of alpine air. She's making promises she can't keep. Wherever she's going for university, the guys there are going to be all over her. And maybe, just maybe, she'll realize that I was never the better choice for her.

"I mean it, Hains," she continues. "It's you and me. For better or worse. Always. I haven't stopped thinking about what would have been if I'd stayed."

I snort. "Ems. We were fourteen – what could have happened? We were way too young to date."

"How can you say that?" she asks, sounding exasperated. "You don't know what could have happened and neither do I."

I hear her take another step toward me and I turn around. She's so close that the pull I can feel between us is almost unbearable. It takes everything I've got to not pick her up and carry her to the bed.

Why does there always have to be such a contradiction when Ems is around me? There's always the urge to run away from her mixed with an intense yearning to give in.

"Listen to me," she whispers, gripping my hand. "The reason we're not together is because of our parents. If we stay apart and give in to the hate or other negative emotions we feel, then we're exactly like them. Us living beneath the shadow of their choices means they're winning. Do you want that? Because I sure as hell don't. Our lives are meant for us to live – we get to decide who we love, what we do with that person on our first date, et cetera."

Every word she says makes sense to me. It's their choices that affected us so badly; therefore giving us results we didn't want. Ems and I clearly want each other. Fuck, I basically blurted it out like the dysfunctional mess I turn into when she's around.

I look at her, into those pleading muddy green eyes. They're so beautiful – green mixed with brown, but not quite hazel.

Why should I allow my mom's addiction to stop me? Ems would understand why I've been acting as an enabler for the past few years. She'd probably try and help me fix everything. I should tell her. Right now.

But the thing is, I don't want to ruin this moment and take anymore of her pity.

So, before she can turn around and walk away from me, I grab her hand.

Her head snaps up in shock.

Screw the push and pull – I know what I want. I have for a long time. I've just been too much of a coward to accept it.

Before she can say another word, I kiss her again. Not tentatively this time, but as if today is our last day together and the final seconds are ticking by. As if we're trying to make up for all those years we lost within the next ten seconds.

It's strange to kiss Ems after her being away for so long, to be held by her, and I wonder why I didn't do this sooner. I wonder if this is what it would've been like if she had stayed and lived with her mom. It's ten times better than our first kiss. I never knew kisses could make me feel this way, and it makes my heart want to explode.

We sink to our knees together, my arms wrapping around Ems's waist and pulling her closer, her hands tangled in my hair. In one swift movement, I pull her into my lap. The kiss turns frantic and feverish.

Time passes by slowly as we kiss. Almost as if some magical force has purposely done it for the sake of making up for the years we could have spent together. Yet it still feels like she pulls away too soon.

Damn lungs and their neediness for oxygen.

We look at each other, both our faces flushed.

Ems sighs, her hand stroking my hair. My hands are still resting on her hips so I pull her closer.

"I really want you to take me to bed," Ems murmurs. She pauses and I wait for the upcoming reason why we actually can't sleep together tonight. "But I don't think we should, you know, have sex."

I shoot her an amused look. I like this version of Ems – shy and a little nervous. Not that I don't like her usual cocky self or anything. It's just good to know that she can be herself around me.

"I mean," she blurts. "I do want to have sex with you. Absolutely. But tonight's opened a new door and I don't want to move too fast." Even through the dim lighting I can see the blush spread across her cheeks. She shrugs. "I just want to do it right this time."

I breathe a faint sight of relief even though I am a little frustrated (mainly at the way my body is reacting to everything. Ems can definitely tell what I want). I want her, but rushing things wouldn't be a smart decision.

"Agreed," I nod. "Besides, I don't have any protection with me. The last thing we need is you getting pregnant."

She laughs. "Oh God. My mom and dad would probably band together for the first time in years just to punish me."

"Probably," I smile. "But I bet Rosa and Val would be happy."

Ems laughs – she knows I'm referring to how many times Rosa and Val teased us about getting together.

"I also didn't bring anything," she adds. "Honestly, I wasn't expecting any of this."

Something about hearing her say that warms my heart a bit. She wasn't planning on getting me into bed, and I'm glad about that.

"You know," she says, eyeing me coyly. "There are other things we can do instead of having sex."

I watch as she looks down at the obvious problem that has to do with the way my body is reacting to her. Swallowing thickly, I shake my head and say, "I've got a better idea."

Getting to my feet, with her still in my arms, I head back into the cabin, using my foot to kick the door shut. Through the darkness, I make my way over to the bed and lay her down on the sheets. Then, I climb into bed beside her.

I'm not necessarily trying to remake the night we first kissed, but I want something similar to it. I just don't think there's any need for us to do anything but cuddle tonight. We're both exhausted from the emotional impact of everything, so what's the point of doing anything when our energy levels are dwindling by the second?

Ems frowns at me when I'm lying beside her. "Don't you want to..." she trails off and gestures between us.

Reaching out, I rest a hand on her cheek. She closes her eyes and sighs, and then I slide my hand down so I can wrap my arm around her waist and pull her closer.

When her head is resting on my shoulder, I murmur, "This is all I want right now." I press a kiss to her forehead. "Just you and me cuddling in the same bed, under the same sheets. Something simple in our complicated lives."

Ems snuggles closer and shuts her eyes. "It doesn't seem simple."

I kiss her forehead again. "Exactly."

And that's how we fall asleep: wrapped in each other's arms with a new feeling of ease and the promise of something better.