Emyln

I get home around 11:30 p.m., and am surprised to see that no one is awake. I don't mind, though. The quieter the house, the more I can focus on what I'm doing for my boyfriend.

After stopping in my room to change into some comfortable pyjamas, my Uggs, and collect everything I'm going to need for my project (MacBook Pro, the charger, my Phone and its charger, the grades I managed to get from Val - apparently the two of them loved to compete during high school with who got the better grades, so she knows all about how Hains did in high school - and a notebook, along with some pencils. I know I'm going to be up late doing this, so I might as well do it in the kitchen. Besides, all that hockey worked up an appetite I forgot I had. I need some fuel before I start.

Once my belongings are organized on the wooden dining table, I start to rifle through the fridge, looking for something to settle my hungry stomach.

I eventually decide on the leftover tacos from last night.

As they're heating up and I'm chopping up some fresh lettuce, I hear footsteps behind me. Turning around, the knife still in hand and my heart beating quicker than usual, I see my mom come trudging into the kitchen. She's wearing her baby blue robe and matching slippers, and her hair is a mess. "I heard noises," she yawns. After rubbing her eyes, she looks from me to the knife in my hand.

Laughter bubbles up inside me, and I can't stop myself from laughing. "Oh my God, Mom," I gasp between waves of laughter. "You scared me."

There's a small grin on her face as she points to the knife and says, "Clearly."

I set the thing down and head over to the microwave, which is now beeping. The smell of seasoned ground beef and melted cheese with jalapenos fills my nose as I pull the dish out. My stomach growls. God, I could just devour the plate of food without adding all the essentials.

"So," Mom says from behind me. "How was your night?"

I know the question is simple and innocent - there's a high probability that she's actually curious about how my night with Hains went - but my defenses instantly go up. They're almost like a reflex around her. I know Mom is trying to fix things between us; mend the bond that's been broken and all that kind of Disney shit. There's just part of me that doesn't want to open up to her and tell her every detail about tonight. Every time I look at my mom, I can hear those words ringing in my head. I can feel the stinging in my heart. But the stupid thing is that her efforts are starting to get to me. She hasn't had contact with me for five years up until now. There's probably a lot she has to say to me, something that, I hope, would include an apology.

Yeah, I'm still mad at her, but I am tired of acting like a bitch. So I reply and say, "It was awesome. Hains won the game, and then we skated around for a bit and played some hockey. Guess we lost track of time."

Mom smiles, and I can't stand the sight of it. So I turn around and start assembling my meal. Why does everything have to be so complicated? I hate the fact that my feelings are tugging me in every direction. My emotions are battling it out, trying to figure out how I really feel beneath it all.

"That's great," she says.

"Yeah," I reply. "I missed him a lot."

Silence settles over us. I know I've accidentally-but-maybe-on-purpose cut her deep. It is, after all, her fault that I left him behind. Her actions gave me no choice but to leave with Dad and Rosa - she is the very reason why our family is no longer a family.

"Emyln..." she trails off after a moment.

I shake my head and turn around. Mom's making a mistake trying to bring up a conversation with me right now - I'm tired, hungry, and there are a million other things I'd rather be doing right now. One in particular. I don't know when the cut-off dates are for applications, but I know I need to start working on my project ASAP.

Yet I find myself drawn to the drama. She started it after all, so perhaps I should unleash my wrath upon her and let her know just how badly she hurt me.

Turning around, I take a deep breath and look my mother directly in the eye. "You fucked everything up," I say through gritted teeth. My jaw is clenched because I'm trying to fight back the tears I know want to escape. "In ways that you can't even comprehend."

"I know," she quickly says. "Please, Emyln - "

I hold up a hand and she shuts up. "No. You just wait. I'm not finished yet."

Mom bites her lip.

I take another deep, shaky breath. "Do you understand what you did to Rosa? To Dad? To me? You hurt all of us and you didn't seem to give a damn about anything we felt at the time. Rosa and I overheard everything that night; Dad tried to set it up so we'd be able to come visit you or visit him. He was open and honest and he respected you even though you didn't deserve an ounce of it. He did everything to try and accommodate you, yet you said nothing. All you did was look away from your own daughters." I pause due to a crack in my voice, and run a hand through my hair. "Or was it just me that you couldn't stand to look at? I know I was reckless and played the sport you disapprove of most, but saying what you did?" I shake my head, strands of sweat-coated hair falling in my face. "That was the worst thing someone could have ever done to me. It's the worst thing anyone has done."

"I didn't think you'd hear it," Mom chokes, tears running fresh down her cheeks.

"But you still said it," I say. "Why? Sure, I didn't listen and I sometimes ran off - mainly with Hains - but I wasn't that bad. Parents are supposed to love their kids unconditionally."

"Emlyn," Mom says, wiping viciously at her running nose. "If I could take back what I said, I would."

I shake my head. "You're just upset that you got caught; that I heard. But you know what? Why was I surprised? You always favoured Rosa over me."

"No, honey." She takes a step closer to me, and then stops, probably from the way my body tenses in reaction. "I worded it wrong - you were always defiant compared to your sister; you would argue and bend the rules and find loopholes. It was frustrating, but you were just a kid. I should have never said that."

The first tear slips down my cheek. "But you still did, and I don't think you understand how it affected a fourteen-year-old girl. It hurt so much that I left behind a life I loved. I left Hains, the boy I've loved since forever, behind when he needed me. It's all your fault that we didn't get a chance to test out the boyfriend-girlfriend relationship after that night."

Mom looks at me questionably.

I roll my eyes. "Hains used to sneak into my bedroom through the window when we were younger. The night shit went down he climbed through the window to tell me about how his dad had been cheating on his mom and that he was leaving them behind for the other woman. It was the first time I'd ever seen him cry." I choke on the words. They're a lie - he cried when he broke my nose with his killer slap shot. But these tears were raw and full of pain; a pain that I can fully understand. "It hurt him so badly he got tears and snot all over my neck and his body was shaking. I told him it wasn't his fault because that's the truth, right? A divorce is never the kids' fault. I told him the storm would pass and he'd make it through. And you know what else I promised him? That I would be there for him! I made a fucking promise to my best friend, and then I kissed him. I kissed him and he kissed me back and we decided that it was time to take the relationship to the next level." I'm sobbing now - I can't control my emotions and tears any longer. They're leaking like the ink from a pen, spilling out over the surface and staining everything in its trail. And when my legs begin to shake, I slide down, my back taking the brunt of the knobs that are drilled into the drawers, until I'm sitting on the floor. I drop my face into my hands and sob.

"We found a single moment of happiness in the middle of the storm, and I couldn't wait until the next day when I could gloat about having Hainsey Blake Stone all to myself." I hiccup and wipe the snot with my sleeve. "And then shit really hit the fucking fan later that night when you and Dad were fighting in the kitchen." With whatever strength I have left in my exhausted body, I look up at my mom. I hope she can see what she's done to me. I hope she can see the amount of pain her decisions inflicted upon me. Even on Hains. "Your decisions gave me no choice but to leave; I couldn't stay here and watch you thrive while Dad's heart hurt. It just wasn't right. So I left. I fucking left like the coward I am. I broke my promise to Hains. I broke his heart, Mom. I broke his fucking heart.

So that's why I'm pissed at you. I'm pissed at you because you were too selfish to think about how your decisions would affect me and the life I loved. Everything looked so good, and then there was a sudden dead end because of what you did. What I experienced made me lose any innocence I had left. Mom, I was fourteen and you took away my wild youth. I was supposed to stay here and attend high school with Hains. Go to grad with him. Hell, maybe I would've even had sex with him by now! But all my dreams and shit were crumbled into ash. You're a selfish bitch, Mom."

I let out a strangled laugh. "But you know what? Like mother, like daughter, right? If you're a bitch, then so am I. At least we know where I get it from."

When I'm done talking, I let the tears engulf me. I sit on the kitchen floor and sob into my hands. My body is shaking. It's been a long time since I've cried this hard. I bawled the first night I stayed in Abbotsford. I sobbed when Hains and I had our little chat in the cabin. But this? This is years of pent-up emotions that have been simmering beneath the surface, waiting for the opportune moment to be released. And it fucking hurts.

I hate myself for crying in front of her, but I can't stop.

To my left, I feel someone sit down beside me. The strong scent of juniper and fresh air fills my nose, so I don't have to look up to know it's my mom that's sitting beside me. "Honey," she whispers. "I am so sorry."

I start to cry harder. An apology, though I'm not sure it's enough, is something I've wanted to hear for years. So that's why, when she wraps her arms around me and pulls me close, I don't push her away. I bury my face in the softness of her robe-covered shoulder and continue to cry, setting the past five years free from my iron grip.

After a moment of her rubbing my back to comfort me, she says, "He came over the next day."

I blink and look up at her through my blurry vision. "W-what?"

Mom's face is a mirror image of mine: puffy eyes, reddened skin, and tear-stained cheeks. "Hainsey came over the next day asking to see you. He knocked on the front door and I opened it, which only led to me breaking down and telling him everything that happened. I could tell he was upset when he turned around and ran, but I had no idea how...important you were to him and how important he was to you. I'm so sorry, Emyln."

My heart breaks all over again. Poor Hains. No wonder he resented me when I showed up. "See?" I choke. "You didn't think about anyone but yourself."

"I know," she whispers. "You have no idea how sorry I am, honey."

"Why d-did you have to do what y-you did? You p-put me in an impossible situation." I splutter.

Mom doesn't answer. Instead, she hugs me tighter and lets me cry, occasionally rubbing my back.

I don't like that she's doing what she's doing, but for some reason, I stay there and keep sobbing for all the things that have happened and all the ways I lost the life I loved.

* * *

Fifteen minutes later and I'm sitting at the kitchen table, eating tacos and trying to explain what I'm doing for Hains to my mom.

Things seem a little lighter between us than they did minutes ago. I guess getting my point across was the best option I could've gone with even though I didn't want to talk to her.

"So you're trying to fill out an application for him?" Mom asks, frowning a little. "And he doesn't know?"

"Yeah," I shrug. "Sounds about right."

"Huh," Mom says, leaning back in her chair.

I take another bite of my reheated food, silently thanking the boys for not giving in to their current teenage state of stomach and eating all the food last night. "He's always wanted to go to the University of Ottawa. And with the way his money situation is, I thought the best way would be to try and get him a scholarship through the hockey program. I think they'd do great with him on the team."

Mom smiles. "Well, I think that's a great idea."

I don't smile at her approval, but I do nod my head. Things might feel a little better than they did before, but there's still some shit we need to talk about. Like, for example, I don't like that she's only been putting in the effort with me and not Rosa. If Mom wants a relationship with me, then she's going to have to find a way to make amends with Rosa, too. Which is going to be a difficult task because Rosa basically has a vendetta for our mom.

"Well," Mom says after a moment. "I'm going to bed." She looks at the time on the microwave. "It's late."

I look at the time on my laptop. It's almost one-in-the-morning. I should probably get to bed, too - I am exhausted from playing hockey and then having an emotional spat with Mom. I've also been typing away on my keyboard, uploading and editing videos, and trying to make this application look as professional as possible. "Yeah, I might head to my room, too," I say, not looking up from the screen. I continue to type away; writing about how much Hains resembles a perfect hockey player all around (skills, experience, et cetera).

Just as I'm finishing the closing sentence to my paragraph, the laptop closes on my hands. I look up, frowning. Of course Mom is the culprit. She looks directly at me with a stern look.

"Go to bed, Emyln - you're exhausted."

I sigh because she's right. Leaning back in my chair, I rub my tired eyes and glance out the window that leads to the steep front yard and the driveway. From where I'm sitting, I can also see the driveway to Hainsey's house. I expect to see nothing but darkness and dormant vehicles, but I don't. Instead, I see his truck with the headlights turned on. Behind the walls of the house, I can also hear the low hum of the engine.

I frown.

Where could he possibly be going this late at night?

In the background, I hear my mom say goodnight to me as she plants a quick, soft kiss on my cheek. But I'm barely paying attention to her because I can't tear my eyes away from Hains's truck as it backs out of the driveway, turns around, and heads down the road toward The Village.

Suddenly my tired mind isn't so tired - I really want to know what he's doing.

But who am I to talk?

He doesn't know I'm trying to set him up for university in Ottawa.

With one last glance over my shoulder, I gather up my belongings and walk to my bedroom. As soon as I see my big comfy bed, the tiredness sets in and I forget what I was wondering. I forget that I haven't brushed my teeth or washed my face. I head straight for the bed and lay down.

My eyes close the moment my head hits the pillow, and I fade into a dreamless sleep.