Hainsey

After waking up in the middle of the night and tossing and turning, I've finally given up. Throwing on some shorts, a T-shirt, and some hiking boots, I head outside into the early predawn light and stretch out my sore muscles, taking in the view as I do so.

Whistler has to be the most beautiful place on the planet, with its aqua-coloured rivers and lakes, peaked, snow-capped mountains, and alpine air. I take a deep breath of the fresh air and start heading for one of the short hiking trails. It's about 2.7 kilometres and does a small loop of the area. Perfect for a run.

And it's just what I need. Although I barely slept and am sorer than all the times I've done suicide lines combined, I'm feeling skittish for many reasons. And, for the first time, my mom doesn't top the list as one. It's what I said in front of everyone about Ems being "my girl" that's getting to my head. While Ems knows we're nothing, every guy on this trip believes we're madly in love. Last night at dinner was a bust – we should have just sat with the group so they didn't think we were trying to sneak away and spend some time together. But that's what happened – they think we sat at a different table to be alone and romantic.

I guess I could handle playing the fake boyfriend for the sake of Ems not having to deal with their immature flirting for the next couple days, though. We're never going to see this group of guys again, right?

I sigh and rub my temples as I walk to the trailhead. The feelings Ems causes are like a math problem I can't solve – every time I think I have an answer, I'm second-guessing myself and questioning my decisions. While I don't want to drag her into my life, I can't prevent myself from keeping the old feelings from rising to the surface.

And then there's the fact that she keeps inching closer and closer to me with each day that passes. I know she wants to talk. I know she wants to be more than friends. But I don't think I'm ready to do that. I don't think I'll ever be ready. Because when the conversation ignites, I know it's going to be nasty due to the fact that we're going to have to get everything out on the table.

It's because of that I'd rather keep my mouth shut and turn a blind eye to the problems we should be dealing with. I can't let her know about my mom. Ems would be devastated and disappointed. Not just in my mom for screwing the situation up even more, but also in me for being an enabler.

Panic starts to build inside of me. What am I going to do if Ems ever decides to come walking over to my house and knock on the door? What if my mom answers and she's high as a freaking kite?

It's times like these where I wish talking about the past was an easier concept to handle. But it isn't. The past is a mess of emotions and secrets.

I shake my head. Now's not a good time to be thinking about this shit. We're working. That's all I need to focus on right now. Today we mountain bike up to one of the many lookouts and I need to force myself into a better mood or else I'm going to be no good for the company.

A good run is what I need.

I'm just about at the trailhead when I notice a lone figure sitting on the rocky shore of the lake. I freeze in place, taking in the view of Ems. Her runners and socks are carelessly thrown to the side and her feet are in the water. She's hunched over, elbows resting on her knees as she stares out at the water. Right away, I feel a jolt of electricity go through my veins, and, for a moment, I allow myself to picture me sitting next to her, my hand playing with her long braid and her arms around my torso.

That's definitely something we would have done back then.

But not now.

I quickly erase the image and turn back to the sign that marks the trailhead, telling myself it's time to go clear my head. But, for some reason, I can't make my body listen. I'm frozen in this very spot, fighting the magnetic tug that's telling me to go and sit next to her.

I'm all for being alone on the trail, but then I remember the conversation I had with Val. I look back at Ems. Since she got here, she's been trying to get to know me again; putting in enough effort to earn herself some kind of badge.

I sigh.

Goddamn my moral compass.

Ems doesn't notice me approaching, and from a distance I study her. She's staring out at the water with a small frown on her lips and a cute little crease between her eyebrows. From here I can see the scar across the bridge of her nose – the one I gave her. I want to stop walking toward her, but my feet keep moving like they have a mind of their own. To be honest, yeah, I've missed her. I'm just never going to admit that to anyone. Especially Val.

She looks up when I'm standing next to her and the frown disappears. "Couldn't sleep?" she asks, smiling.

"Yeah," I answer, and sit down beside her, my heartbeat picking up a little. "Same goes for you?"

"Mhmm," she nods.

We both wither off into silence. I don't know what to say to her. All this time that's passed between us is a great expanse of maturing and figuring out where we belong in this world. I glance down at the friendship bracelet she made for me. Shit. I thought I took it off before leaving my house yesterday. I don't know why I didn't. Just like I don't know why I've kept it on since the day she gave it to me.

Ems shifts in the rocks and sand, and picks up a smooth stone. I watch her skip it across the water, finding it hard to look away as she picks up another one and repeats the motion. I should say something, make a reference to common ground.

And I'm ready to bring up hockey when I notice the braided bracelet on her right ankle. Val was right – it's a duplicate of mine, with the same colours and everything.

While seeing it hurts a little, it also ignites hope inside me. If Ems made that bracelet while she was gone, does that mean she regrets the decision she made?

"Did you just get up?" Ems asks, keeping her eyes locked on the lake.

I laugh under my breath. "No – I've been up for a while now."

"You ready to deal with the hungover bachelor party group today?"

I cringe. Is this really all we can talk about? Serious shit. I mentally shake my head. I'm being a hypocrite by saying that. I've been trying to focus on anything that has to do with work and using it as an advantage to push her away. I didn't realize how awkward my actions have made things until now. I'm suddenly wishing Val were here, acting as a buffer.

"Do we have a choice?" I shrug.

"Nope," Ems smiles.

God, I love her smiles.

"Thanks again for making Scout shut up," she says suddenly.

I wave off her thanks. "It was no problem," I reply. "But what I would like to know is why you keep calling him Scout. I think is real name is Brendan."

Ems shrugs. "He seems like the type of kid that went to Boy Scouts when he was younger."

"Huh," I say, picturing Brendan in a Boy Scouts outfit. "I guess that suits him."

Nature takes over again, giving us the sound of chirping birds and water lapping against the rocks. Five minutes passes, and in that amount of time I find myself unable to look away from her. She hasn't looked at me once since I sat down. Have I pushed her away for good? Gotten my message across? My mood plummets. Not because it would mean I've succeeded in preventing her from figuring out what goes on in the Stone household, but because I'm beginning to realize that I like this. I like being with her, smartass attitude, alluring boldness, and everything else.

It's fucking terrible.

I want to be pissed off at her for leaving me.

But I don't know if I can hate the girl I grew up with. There are too many good memories that overpower the bad.

"Well," Ems says, reaching for her socks and shoes. "I'm gonna go make sure the diner-thing lets us push the tables together again."

I open my mouth to say something, but then I stop myself. Instead, I look out at the water and nod, highly aware of the ache that has travelled from my hamstrings to my stomach to my heart. My feet want to run after her, but I force myself to sit.

She's going to leave again – it's only a matter of time. When the summer is over, she's going off to Ottawa for university (thank-you Val for not keeping everything a secret). If I give her a chance to charm her way back into my life, it's only going to result in heartbreak. She's moving across the country and I'm staying in Whistler.

She's moving forward, heading for a life she deserves. I'm stuck here for what I'm guessing will be the rest of my life. If I let her in, if I get used to having her back by my side and loving me, what will happen to me when she leaves?

A couple of minutes pass before I decide I should go on that run I had originally been planning. So I get to my feet and turn around, attempting to leave behind any of my fantasy thoughts about us being together, and run smack into Ems.

"Shit, sorry," I say.

Ems looks at me wide-eyed and frazzled. I almost laugh. Ems is usually so precise and calm when it comes to stuff like this. But I don't. All I do is stare at her.

"Hains..." she says.

I stiffen. She's so close to me right now. So, so close.

She opens and closes her mouth a couple times before shaking her head and running a hand through her hair. "I...I just..."

As if she can't find words to translate what she's thinking, Ems's hand finds my cheek. Her palm is warm and soft, just as I'd imagined it would be. The sudden buzzing feeling I can feel vibrating in my bones amplifies. I can't breathe. I don't know what the hell she's doing, but I don't want her to stop.

With one last note of hesitation, Ems leans forward and kisses me. And I think my body is having a meltdown.

Even though five years have passed since our last kiss, everything feels the same as it was. Her lips are soft, gentle, and warm. And her kiss is hesitant, like she's testing the waters.

I don't want this to end, but I find myself pushing her away.

Ems swallows audibly. "S-sorry," she stutters. "I don't know what I was doing."

I want nothing more than to pull her back to me and kiss her until she's gasping for air.

But I don't.

Instead, I walk away like the coward I am.

My thoughts from earlier come back as I head for the trail.

What am I going to do when she's gone again?