Hainsey

Ems comes over around two; she knocks on the door, I answer it, and she steps in.

Today is one of those days where my mom has put herself together – thank God. I'd rather Ems not see her at her worst. The only reason I say this is because you can still notice the differences even when she's acting like nothing's wrong. It's the small things: the pinprick scars on her arms, the distant glaze over her eyes, the sparks of temper she sometimes acts on. Shit like that.

"Wow," Ems says as I close the door. "This place looks amazing, Hains."

I look around the front entrance area. To me, not much has changed in the past five years. But to Ems, I guess a new paint colour, updated flooring, and a new bannister for the stairs count as changes.

"You did all this yourself?" she asks.

I shrug. "Most of it. Had a little help with the flooring. The rest was easy. YouTube has great instructional videos on shit like this."

"Well," my girlfriend smiles, "I love your house."

"Thanks."

After our conversation, we head for the kitchen, where my mom is sitting at the breakfast bar and drinking a mug of black coffee. The instant Ems lays eyes on her I can sense the difference in the atmosphere. I watch as she inspects my mom, a look of utter sadness in her eyes. Her eyes travel over the scars that pattern my mom's arms. I lean back against the doorway to the kitchen and close my eyes. The self-loathing I feel right now is indescribable. I hate myself for not being strong enough to stand up. Mom's been able to do this because of me.

Mom still hasn't noticed us in the kitchen, so I clear my throat loud enough that she looks up. And this moment has to be one of the most painful I have ever experienced in my life because I see a version of my mom I haven't seen for years. Her face lights up as it used to when Ems and I would score a disgusting goal on a two-on-one breakaway during a hockey game; when we would burst out laughing at the stupidest shit; when we were utterly inseparable.

"Emyln!" she says, getting to her feet and rushing over to hug her.

"Hey," Ems says, her voice small. She hugs my mom back. "How are you?"

"I'm great," Mom says with more enthusiasm than I've heard in years. "I'm so happy you're back."

Over my mom's shoulder, Ems looks at me and shakes her head. I look down at the tile, biting back the tears. I know Ems is asking the same questions I've been asking for years. It's unreal how my mom can act so normal when she's anything but.

When I manage to gain my composure, Mom is talking Ems's ear off, but my girlfriend is looking at me; every bit of her attention is focused on me and my reaction. And I'd be lying if I said I didn't like it. It's nice to have someone that really cares for me.

Their conversation goes on for a few minutes before Ems politely excuses herself and walks over to me, taking my hand and dragging me up the stairs to my bedroom.

As soon as we're sitting on the bed, door closed, Ems starts talking. "I don't understand how she can act so...so...the same. Christ, Hains, it's like she hasn't changed. If you hadn't told me, I don't think I would've noticed. Actually, I think I would've – it just would've taken me longer." She turns to look at me. "I am so sorry."

I pull her down beside me, my arm wrapped around her shoulders, and kiss her forehead. "Don't apologize – it's not your fault."

"I know," she says. "But I'm just sorry this had to happen to you. You don't fucking deserve it. I wish there was a way we could trade places."

"Don't say that," I say, tracing her collarbone. "You wouldn't want this, Ems. It's a terrible thing to experience."

She snuggles closer. "It's unfair that you had to deal with it alone for all these years."

"I'm not alone anymore," I whisper.

Ems looks up at me. "And you won't be alone ever again. I swear."

Not knowing what to say, I dip my head down and kiss her lips. They taste sweet – like cherry ChapStick – and they're painfully soft. The way she kisses me is indescribably perfect. She's slow and gentle, but I can sense the underlying fiery passion that burns between us. Her hand slides up my body until her palm is resting on my cheek. Memories of last night are still fresh in my mind, meaning that they and the kiss aren't currently helping with the situation in my pants. There's no way in hell I'm stripping her down when my mom is downstairs. My mom is unstable, but she's still my mom. There have been moments where that parental instinct has kicked in, and I bet if she heard anything, she would come in and scold both of us.

So, against my will, I pull away to catch my breath and calm the hell down.

Ems giggles. "I love that I affect you like this."

"I'm sure you do," I reply breathlessly.

"So," she says. "I called my dad this morning, but Rosa picked up the phone. She said he's on a camping trip with some of his work friends and should be back by Monday." Ems hesitates. "I also told Rosa about what's been going on. I'm sorry if you didn't want me to, but I just thought it would be okay because you've known Rosa as long as me. She loves you like a brother, Hains."

I take my time to contemplate her words. Ems has always been good at keeping quiet about things like this, which is why I didn't tell her to not tell anyone. I feel like I should be mad at her for saying something, but the more I think about it, the more relieved I am that she told Rosa for me. First of all, it wouldn't be fair is Ems and Val knew, and Rosa didn't. Second of all, it's one less person I have to tell the story to, which I'm not a fan of doing.

"It's fine," I say. "I'm actually a little relieved, y'know. I hate telling the story – makes me feel like shit."

"You shouldn't feel like shit. Rosa agrees that your heart was in the right place."

Huh. How about that. I thought Rosa would have been extremely disappointed in me. "Why does it feel so good getting your sister's approval?" I joke.

"Dunno," Ems shrugs. "But it does, doesn't it? I mean she was extremely happy for us and what we – " She stops talking abruptly, her face turning the shade of a tomato.

I groan and slap my palm down on my face. "You told Rosa about us having sex?"

Ems laughs sheepishly. "Sorry? But what did you expect, Hains? Last night was amazing. Besides, she's not the one that walked in on us."

"True," I sigh.

"Anyway," Ems says, changing the subject. "We'll figure this out when my dad gets back, okay? He can help us big time."

"Okay," I nod, relaxing a little. God, I love this girl. She's my freaking saviour. I swear. I don't know what I'd do without her. I don't know how I managed to live every day that passed without her. "Thank you, Ems."

She shrugs. "That's what happens when you love someone – you stay beside them so matter what. You know that right?"

"Know what?"

"Know that I'm not doing this because I feel like I owe you. I'm doing this because I love you."

"Of course I know that," I smile.

"Good," she smiles, snuggling closer. "Well, now that we have the afternoon off, what do you want to do?"

I shrug. "I honestly don't care – as long as it's with you. We could lay here for all I care."

"That doesn't help much," she laughs, "because that is exactly my answer."

"Huh," I say. "Then let's watch a movie or something." I gesture to the small TV on top of my dresser. There's a DVD player hooked up to it, and some DVDs sitting in front.

"Depends what movies you've got," she says.

She starts to get up, but I stop her. "You know what? Let me pick the movie – I think I know what you want to watch."

She eyes me curiously. "You're putting on The Breakfast Club, aren't you?"

I grin at her. "It's your favourite movie."

She grins back, and something tells me that we're not going to be watching much of it. Adrenaline begins to pump through my veins.

"Yeah, it is," Ems replies, the twinkle of mischief bright in her eyes.