Hainsey

"You ready for this?" Ems asks as we walk up the stairs to my front door.

I sigh. I've had all the time in the world to prepare for this moment, but the impact of it actually happening is getting to my head.

It's been two weeks since Ems got out of the hospital and we had a chat with her dad about my mom and her addiction. While I'm so fucking happy that he's a psychiatrist and has connections to counsellors that can help with this type of shit, I'm nervous about how she'll react to all this. Lately, Mom's been unstable. I haven't wanted to meet up with Clayton again since the incident, so I've been rationing her drugs as best I can to make them last until this moment.

Swallowing thickly, I nod my head. Andrew warned me this was going to be hard for me. But I thought it would be when I actually stepped into my house and started reading out what I've written for my mom to hear during this intervention. I can already feel the tears beginning to burn.

"Hey," Ems says, pulling me close. She rests a hand on my cheek. "Everything is going to work out. I think everyone in the world can agree that it's time for you to catch a break. Just speak the truth and your mom will understand."

I flash a weak smile at her. If only it were that easy. I'm not only disappointed in my mom, but also in myself for enabling her all these years. Andrew said people make these mistakes all the time and that it wasn't fair that all the responsibilities be placed on me at such a young age, but I can't help myself – the guilt is endless.

She smiles back, and then hugs me. "I'm going to be sitting right beside you, Hains. You've got nothing to worry about."

Hah. That's a funny joke. I have plenty to worry about. For example, my mom could lose her shit and decline the opportunity she has to get sober. That's the possibility that scares me the most. I desperately want her to get some help, but if it comes down to it, I know I'm going to have to step out of her life for good.

Pushing away all my thoughts and focusing on just getting through the door to where I know Mrs. Brantford, Andrew, Val, Rosa, and Val's mom are waiting in the living room, I nod and grip her hand tightly. "Let's do this."

I look over my shoulder and see my mom slowly walking up the stairs. She doesn't look much better, but I can feel a twinge of hope ignite inside me. This is the first time in years she's wanted to go for a walk around Lost Lake. When I asked if I could come and maybe invite Ems, she was ecstatic. The walk was slow and easy, but it was good in more ways than one. Maybe we have a shot at getting her better. Seeing her function and then fall so quickly has been hard. I want her to be functioning like this every day.

"You good, Mom?" I ask.

She nods, her cheeks pink from the heat of the sun. "Yes," she says, a little breathless when she gets to the top.

"Why don't we all go in and get some lemonade?" Ems asks cheerily, taking my mom by the arm and pulling her toward the door.

As they step through, I breathe a sigh of relief. Thank God Ems is here to act as a catalyst. Without her, I may have chickened out. It's embarrassing to admit, but it's the truth.

When I get into the living room, I see my mom gaping at the crowd that's now occupying the couches. She turns to look at me. "Hainsey," she says slowly. "What is this?"

I look around the room; letting all the faces of the people I know fuel my confidence and remind me why I'm here. Reaching out, I take my mom's hand and lead her to the two empty spots on one of the couches. I sit beside her, feeling extreme comfort when I feel Ems's hand rest on my thigh.

"Mom," I say, my voice shaking a little. "This is about your addiction to heroin."

She stares at me while she processes my words and I tense up. This is the moment where she's going to decide to straight out deny us or decide to listen to what we have to say.

When she nods her head, I almost lost my composure. "Okay," she says softly, her eyes welling with tears.

I feel an encouraging squeeze on my thigh. What would I do without Ems?

Just like we planned, Andrew takes over, introducing the woman sitting near the coffee table as one of the counsellors from a private rehab centre in Alberta. When he's done, she takes over and gives my mom some information about the place. As soon as that's over, she hands the reins over to me. I suddenly feel like a kid trying to give a speech in front of the class; all the attention is focused on me.

Clearing my throat, I pull out a sheet of lined paper from the front pocket of my jean shorts. I do my best to smooth it out, make it look presentable, but it's no use – with my messy writing and the creases from where I nervously folded it, it looks like trash.

I shoot a quick glance at my mom before I being reading the letter I wrote her. "Mom," I say. "I want to start by saying thank your for all the times you were 'like a mother' to me. Between hockey practice and games, driving me to school, going with me to get new skates, taking care of me when I was sick, making dinner together, and watching Canucks games with me, you were certainly a good mom. You were always bright and happy, and you've given me moments that I will cherish forever."

I stop to clear my throat again, glancing down at where Ems has her hand placed. Her touch is warm against my skin.

"Sadly," I continue, "those memories are overshadowed by your poor decisions, and more so, by your addiction to heroin. You've damaged me in more ways than I think you'll ever understand, or will ever be able to admit to yourself. I know you went through some tough shit with Dad, but that doesn't give you an excuse to stop being a mom. These past five years have been rough for me. I will admit, I acted as an enabler, which makes me part of the problem and I'm sorry for that, but it's been hell. Drugs have always come first. You never cared if you put me in danger, and never even considered the damage you were doing to me mentally. I – "

I break off and wipe my nose that's now running. Goddamn these tears and the amount of snot. Ems wraps an arm around my shoulders as I try to regain the control I had earlier. It just hard because my mom is also crying and I can hear Ems sniffling beside me. And then, when I dare to glance around the room, I see Rosa in tears, Val trying to fight them, and the remaining people looking at me, trying to give me the go-ahead.

"I should hate you for what you've done to me and made me do, for what I've done to people by pulling them into this mess" – I pause at glance at Ems, who gives me a sad smile and squeezes my hand – "but I can't. I can't because I know my mom is somewhere in there." I take a deep breath and look directly at her, into the same eyes I have. "I love you, Mom, and I want you to get better. So will you please agree to this? I want my mom back."

My voice cracks with the last word, and Ems is quick to pull me into a hug. Fuck, I hate crying in front of everyone, but it hurts. I love my mom and I hate seeing her like this.

"You did good, Hains," Ems whispers, kissing my cheek. "So good."

In the background, I can hear my mom crying, too. And the next time I look up, I can see the haunting look of regret in her eyes. That small spark of hope grows.

Please say yes, I repeat in my head like a mantra. Please say yes.

Mom reaches out and takes my other hand, squeezing it just about as hard as Ems is, and nods. The tears streak her face and her eyes are red and puffy, but I can still see the look she has. It's regret and hope and love, and I couldn't be prouder of her for agreeing to this.

"Yes," she chokes. "I'll go."

At some point, Val got up to get the bag that I packed for Mom before we went for a walk. It consists of her necessities: some clothes, a toothbrush, some makeup – all that kind of shit. What it doesn't include is her phone or any electronics that have access to the outside world. The rehab centre she's going to is strict about getting their patients on the path to sobriety.

Mom looks at the bag, and then at me. "I have to go now?"

I nod, giving her a weak smile. "Everyone that's ever been part of this has had to go right away," I reply. "It's so you can't change your mind." I try to make a joke out of the last sentence, but I can't prevent myself from being serious. When things first went downhill, Mom would always say she'd stop using and then the next day I'd find her passed out on the couch, a freshly used needle sitting on the coffee table.

"What about you?"

I pull away from Ems and give my mom a hug – it's something I haven't done for years and God, does it ever feel good. I've missed this. "I'm leaving for Ontario tomorrow morning."

"What?" Mom asks as she pulls away, looking shocked.

I shrug. "Ems and I are attending the University of Ottawa. For some strange reason, she made it so I can attend off a scholarship with the school's hockey team."

Mom's face brightens. "Oh my God," she whispers, resting a hand on my face. "Hainsey, that is wonderful."

I look down at my feet, smiling like an idiot. Whether I'm smiling because I can't wait to be living in an apartment with Ems or I'm actually excited to be getting out of here, I can't tell. This whole situation seems surreal to me. I never would have pictured my life taking another drastic turn, but in a good way this time. "I know," I say.

"I always knew you two would end up together," she says.

When I look up, I see her gazing over at Ems, who is standing beside her dad. I don't know when she left my side, but I'm grateful she did – it gives me and Mom some privacy to say our goodbyes. I'm not going to be seeing her until Christmas. At least, I hope I'll be able to see her by Christmas. Just like I hope she'll be able to get through the hell she's about to go through in rehab. I've read what the symptoms of withdrawal are like and they can get nasty.

"I'm happy she came back," I say in agreement. "I don't know what I would have done without her."

Andrew seems to notice us watching him and Ems because he makes a motion to the front door, and then taps his watch. It's time for my mom to start a new chapter in her life.

We hug one more time, tears being shed between the both of us, and say our final goodbyes.

"You can do this, Mom," I whisper in her ear. "You're strong enough."

My mom doesn't say anything to me, but I respect that. If she does, she's going to lose her composure and end up bawling again.

It's hard to watch her walk out the front door, but I know she's in good hands and someone will be there for her every step of the way, just like I have been in some weird, twisted way. I would love to be there to help my mom, but my time has come to an end. While she's off starting another chapter in her life, it's time for me to start my own chapter.

When the door closes, the final weight that's been resting on my shoulders finally dissipates and I exhale deeply.

"You okay?" Ems asks from behind me.

I turn to face her. "Yeah. I'm good." And it's the honest truth. Things are finally starting to make sense again.

"She's going to be okay," Ems says.

"I know," I say, pulling her into a hug. "I know she'll be able to do it. It's just that...it's going to be rough for her and I feel bad not being there, y'know?"

Ems nods, hugging me back. "You can feel that way all you want, Hains, but you sacrificed a lot to keep her going. Don't you think it's time you get what you want for once?"

I pull back and look her directly in the eye. "I have everything I want right here in my arms, baby."

Ems rolls her eyes and jokingly punches me in the bicep. "You are such a suck."

Grabbing her waist, I pull her against my body, leaning down until my nose is brushing hers. I hear her inhale deeply as she waits for what's about to come next. "Admit it, Ems – you love it when I act like a suck."

She wraps her arms around my neck. "Maybe I do."

And then we're kissing. It's soft and gentle and holds the promise of everything that's coming up in our lives. I know we're taking a big step by moving into an apartment together to go to university, but I also know we can get through it. No matter how many times we fight, we're always going to find a way to make up and learn from our mistakes. That's one good thing that's came out of our messy, fucked-up lives: we know the dos and don'ts of a relationship.

"All right you two," Rosa says from behind us. "Save it for the bedroom."

Ems pulls away, giggling. "Someone's jealous," she whispers.

When Rosa's standing in front of us, she looks at me and asks, "You're okay, right?"

I nod, wanting to make a smart-ass comment about how Ems is going to make me feel even better tonight just to gross her out, but I don't. Rosa's genuinely concerned about me, so I'm not going to make a fool out of her.

"Thanks for coming, Rosa," I say, pulling one of my best friends into a hug.

"You're like a little brother to me, Hainsey," she replies. "I'd do anything for you."

"Keyword: brother," Ems interjects.

Rosa laughs and then pulls away. "Relax, little sis – I'm not going to try and steal your man."

"You better not," Ems smiles, giving her sister a hug.

In fact, that's what we do for the next ten minutes; we say our goodbyes, hand out hugs, and I thank Andrew over and over again for setting this up. He claps me on the back and laughs, telling me it was his pleasure and that I better be coming home with Ems for Thanksgiving and Christmas. He also gives me the usual warning dads give their daughter's boyfriend: don't hurt her, respect her, take care of her, et cetera. I agree with every single statement he makes not because I have to, but because I want to. Ems is my girl – I want her to be happy.

Mrs. Brantford is next, and she goes on and on about how I should have told her what was going on behind the scenes. She tells me she would have done something to help me, like raise the amount of money I was making while working for her so I could save up for university at the same time. All I do is shake my head. I wouldn't have accepted the raise, but I still thank her for letting me work for her.

When everyone is gone, Ems and I head upstairs to my bedroom. We both collapse on the bed and breathe out sighs of relief.

"That was an emotional afternoon," Ems says.

I nod in agreement. "Yeah. I'm glad it's over. I was so scared she was going to deny the help."

"Me too. I hope it works for her. She deserves another shot at life. I'm rooting for her."

I snuggle closer next to my girlfriend. "Me too. I have a good feeling about this."

She begins to run her fingers through my hair.

I close my eyes and sigh. I could stay like this forever, but unfortunately I've got some packing to do. Guess that's what I get for procrastinating.

I sit up, instantly craving her body against mine. "Well," I say, gesturing to my disaster of a room. "It's time to pack."

Ems sits up beside me, a big smile on her face. "Of course it is."