He was dirty, his cheeks covered with blood, his high ponytail a mess. But his voice wasn't trembling. With enormous poise, he explained everything; Mum's death and the reason behind it. The death of his parents. The stopping of the water contamination. What would happen next.

He rallied for people to come here, to our base, so that we could make up a government democratically with the votes of people who attended. He suggested how the water system must require the consent of three people to gain access to, and that it should be voted for as well.

"I don't know if removing the alpha, beta and omega system will lead to a better world", he said. I leaned back against the wall of the meeting room where Izuna was being filmed, exhausted. I undid the laces of my metal-enforced boots and took them off. The relief was extraordinary, as if re-surfacing from a deep underwater cave after almost drowning. "But if we're to introduce that system again, it must be a consensual choice. And it can never be, seeing the chemicals have to be ingested when you are newborn, and no newborn can give informed consent. We need heavily competent ethical boards creating guidelines, that will then also be voted for."

I listened to Izuna, but inside, I was screaming. Screaming of frustration, of tiredness, of longing, of lack of belonging. He had ignored me ever since I tortured that alpha. Had it been worth it?

Lana took over and spoke to the nation.
Izuna went and sat down leaning against the wall opposite me, not even looking at me. Under normal circumstances, he would've come to me and curled up into a ball in my lap, let me hold him. I realised how much Izuna didn't need me; how incredibly strong he was standing on his own, how much poise and confide and self-trust he had. That all his love for me had come from want, not from need.

But I needed him.

I loved him more than ever.

Yet, he has never been so far away.

Things happened very quickly then. Thousands of alphas, betas and omegas arrived. Some of them that were good with programming set up a safe online election system to involve also the ones who couldn't vote in the election that took place in the city we used as a base. Information was sent out via the Internet, TV and radio to reach as many as possible. The voting was held one week after the war ended, choosing one leader from the alphas, one from the betas and one from the omegas. They would all be the ones who held the key to the water system. Lana was chosen for the betas. The blonde hacker that looked like Henry for the omegas. And, to my great surprise, I was chosen for the alphas.

I didn't want it.

I didn't want any part of it.

"You have no choice", Lana said, putting a hand on my shoulder. "You have no choice anymore. Your life stopped being yours a long time ago, and it's my fault. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for what I made you go through."

I couldn't quite meet her eye. "We all did what had to be done", I said, hating how my voice wobbled.

I could feel Lana stare at me then, and I couldn't help but look up. Her eyes were an eerie light brown colour that bore straight into my soul. At that moment, it was as if she could see everything behind those last words; what I had done, the guilt I felt about it, how Izuna felt about it, the guilt I felt about how Izuna felt about it. I let her see everything

"Go to him", she said. "Go."

But there was no such thing as "go to him". Izuna was avoiding me. He didn't come to the house anymore. I slept alone, hugging his pillow close to me, breathing in his scent. It tore me to pieces of longing after him. I spent the evenings walking or running aimlessly through the warm city, trying to enjoy the bright flowers, chalk-white houses and boldly coloured doors. But ever since the war, the colours were all drained of their saturation and covered in blood, and Izuna wasn't there to paint the world for me. I realised how much I needed him, in a way he didn't need me. Without him, my world was one of black and white and covered in blood, just like it had been before I met him.

I was daydreaming about running into him at the beach where we had bathed, about finding him there, hair blowing in the wind, his back to me. "You're a politician now", he would say proudly as he turned round, smiling. He would put his arms around my shoulders and kiss me. I would put my hands on his waist and kiss him back. "I don't want to be a politician", I would say. "I only want to be your partner."

But nobody was at the beach. So I stood there for myself for a while. I don't know for how long, but apparently a while because next time I checked in on myself, my body was drenched in sweat from the sun. On autopilot, I took off every piece of clothing until I didn't have a single thread on my body, and I walked into the water. When it reaches my chest, I dove in, swimming and soaking my entire self, body and soul. My eyes were burning from the salt as I walked out of the water,  making me understand I'd been in there for a long time. When I looked up, I saw a dark figure stand at the beach.

"Izuna..."

"No. Sorry. Please, put your clothes on."

I looked down, realising I was naked still. "Sorry, Lana."

She just chuckled, which felt really out of place. But of course, she didn't know what a colourless and bloody world I had created for myself. She stood outside of it, where you could still see colours.

I put my clothes on while Lana looked away, then went to her.

"We need to discuss the details of the funerals."

I was taken aback. "What?"

"Your mother. Izuna's family. Henry..."

The thought of Henry made me want to die. I was taken back to my soldier training. I remember that day not only as if it happened yesterday, but as if it was happening to me right now, in every moment. As soon as had I entered the building, nervous, not knowing what to expect for my first day of mental training, I felt a kick in my lower back that was so hard, it made everything go black and I fell forwards, scraping my cheek on the floor. I was roughly pulled up and dragged in through a door.

"No... No!! NOOOOOOO!!"

I had realised immediately what it was about, but nothing could've prepared me for it. I had seen Henry's dead body before, but not like this. He was naked, on a steel bed, swollen, clammy, rotting. They had opened his scull and his brain was on the table next to him. There was a drill and a hammer on the table next to him, too. I tried running away, but the door was closed behind me, and I was alone in the great, gloomy room. It had white tiles on the walls and a concrete floor. But I wasn't alone because there was suddenly a voice in a hidden speaker.

"We need help", it said, and it was frightfully similar to the one that had ordered me to shoot Izuna. It's on purpose... I thought. They know exactly what they're doing. "We need his heart for obduction. Take it out."

"What the fuck is wrong with you?!" I screamed. I didn't recognise myself.

"Do it. Or we'll kill Izuna."

Oh, good gracious me...

I had obducted his heart out with a scalpel. With great care, I'd opened the skin over his sternum. Then, I'd looked around me, clueless, as to how to continue. The voice in the room had directed me towards a saw. Don't cry. Don't you DARE fucking cry, I'd told myself. You can cry later. I had just shut everything out as I sawed through the bones of my dead former lover. Then, I had continued my dissection with the scalpel to reach his heart, that had belonged to me and to Izuna. Take your own heart out, a voice inside me had thought. Just end it.

"If you kill yourself, we'll kill Izuna", the voice had said. I had no idea how it knew what I was thinking of.

But I didn't care. At that point, all I had wanted to do was end it. I had lifted the scalpel and had already made the decision. My entire body was tenses up, but I worked hard so as not to show anything on the outside. I put all force in my arm, and...

A strong hand was put around my wrist. I looked down. The edge of the scalpel was just at my breastbone. It was Henry. It was Henry, preventing me from killing myself. I couldn't breathe. My heart couldn't beat.

"You're alive..."

But then, the sensation had dispersed and disappeared, and I was alone in the room with Henry once more, his heart in my hand.

Afterwards, I had been on my hands and knees outside of the room. Suddenly, everything had come over me, and I couldn't hold back anymore. I had vomited over and over, realising I'd been in such chock I hadn't even noticed the smell of death and old blood, but my brain must've registered it, because I could conjure it up in my memory. I had retched and retched. Then,  a soft hand on my shoulder. I jerked.

"Don't worry. It's me."

It was Lana, but my brain didn't register it. I backed into the wall, in utter panic, screaming. When Lana tried coming closer to comfort me, I had started to fight. It took five soldiers and two shots of something incredibly strong in my shoulder to render me harmless.

"Meet me in my office in ten." I was snatched out of my daymare. Don't worry. You're not there anymore. You're at the beach You're safe. You're safe. Lana was there, but now, I associates her with safety and fin"And prepare yourself. Izuna will be there."

Then I realised the situation I was in now wasn't any better than the one where I was forced to dissect Henry's heart out. Because at least back then, I had come home to Izuna.