**all the chapters i'm about to release are hella angsty & sad bc that's my vibe lately. if u don't want that, the next drop of chapters will be normal again

thanks for readingggg**

••••

"W-what?" I asked with wide eyes as I stared at Tsunade.

"The Akatsuki members, right before they came for you, they killed Asuma," she repeated in a low voice, tears teasing her eyes.

I bit down on the inside of my cheek, tasting a small drip of blood as I refused to ease up the pressure. My eyes slammed shut, tears trickling down against my will.

I grabbed onto the sheets of the hospital bed I found myself in. Shikamaru and his team managed to get me back to the village before I bled out. I felt so guilty that they had to save me right after losing Asuma.

I should've killed those Akatsuki members. I should've made them pay. I'm strong enough. I just wasn't focused enough. I let them get away...

Tsunade said she spent hours healing me, but she still managed to somehow save my life. Kakuzu was only inches away from piercing my heart.

He was probably a bit disoriented from my own attack when he struck me, and I just happened to get lucky.

"I-I have to go see Shikamaru," I mumbled as I wiped my tears, getting ready to take off the blankets.

All things aside, Asuma was a really great friend of mine too. We could talk about anything together, but even still, there were people I loved that were a lot closer to him. Shikamaru. Kurenai. Kakashi.

I needed to be there for them.

"Y/n," her voice was absolutely broken as she said my name. "T-that's not all."

A million thoughts rushed through my mind. Did something happen to Shikamaru? Was it something with Kakashi? My parents?

I didn't even know what to expect, but my body was already trembling with anxiety. Just the tone of her voice was enough to make me squirm.

"I'm sorry I have to be the one to tell you this," she looked up at me. "But I can't keep it from you."

"Tsunade," my voice cracked. "Is Kakashi ok?"

She nodded, "Yes, Kakashi is fine. No one is handling the news of Asuma well, but he's alive and uninjured."

"Ok," I muttered, feeling at least a bit relieved. "Where's Kurenai?"

She shook her head, "Kurenai is another story. She'll need you, Y/n."

"Of course."

"And you should know she's pregnant," Tsunade added.

My heart broke when she said that. Kurenai would be raising Asuma's child without him. I couldn't even imagine what she was going through.

Now I desperately needed to get out of this damn hospital. Too many people were in need of love and support for me to stay here helplessly.

I knew I wouldn't be fighting anytime soon with my injuries, but I could force myself to walk around and be there for everyone else. I had to.

Shikamaru must be heartbroken. Kurenai and I had become close friends over the past year. And Kakashi, I'm sure he was hurting too. He loved Asuma so much.

"I really need to go see her, so what did you need to say?" I edged her on.

I watched the hesitation and sadness on her face, confused as to why she kept looking at me like that.

I was a pro at shutting down my emotions when I needed to, and right now I definitely needed to. I needed to focus all my energy on everyone else, so whatever she had to say, she needed to hurry up.

"Fuck," she mumbled as she wiped her eyes. She never had been very good at delivering bad news.

"Y/n, you were pregnant..." her voice barely above a whisper.

My eyes widened as I looked at her, my mouth dropping open just slightly. It felt like my heart stopped beating as I brought my hands to my stomach.

Me? Pregnant?... Is this a fucking joke?

For a moment the entire world stopped spinning, and it all finally registered, "W-were?"

"Just over 3 months," she answered. "I'm so sorry. By the time you got here, it was too late."

3 months... That means it was right when Kakashi and I started dating.

I was going to have a child with Kakashi. I mean I hadn't slept with anyone else in over a year anyway, but it was probably from the first time we ever did.

"Did you know?" she asked me.

I shook my head softly, "No."

Looking back, I had very clear symptoms... But with the stress of everything else, I hadn't really given too much thought to any of it.

I just assumed it was all due to the craziness—my body shutting down with the pressure.

The news hit me like a ton of bricks, and I couldn't even breathe or bring myself to move as the weight began to crush me.

"I'm so sorry, Y/n. I just didn't feel right not telling you the truth."

I was irritated with myself that I couldn't keep the tears back. I didn't want to cry. I didn't want to hurt anymore. I didn't want any of this time to be about me right now. Not with the news about Asuma.

"Does anyone else know?" I asked her.

She shook her head, "No, I wanted to tell you first."

"Good," I wiped my tears. "You're not to tell anyone about this."

"Y/n," Tsnuade's voice got stern. "You can't go through this alone. You have to grieve this loss properly."

"No Tsunade. I've been so selfish my whole life. I am not letting anyone worry about anything else other than Asuma. I'll be fine. What's done is done. I didn't even know until now."

"That doesn't matter!" she raised her voice at me. "Not only will your body be suffering from the trauma, this will have an effect on you! You can't ignore that."

I kept my eyes locked to her, "As my doctor, and also as my friend, I'm asking you to respect my wishes Tsunade. Please."

"Kakashi deserves to know."

I had to clench my jaw shut as she spoke those words. As if I didn't know that. As if I didn't want to be able to cry in his arms.

But he wouldn't be able to handle it right now. That man has suffered so much. He didn't need to add this to his list.

And part of me hoped that if I ignored it, it wouldn't hurt so much.

"Were you able to know if they were a boy or girl?" I asked her, ignoring her comment about Kakashi.

I was so scared that if he knew what I had allowed to happen, he would hate me. We could've had a family together, and I lost that for us because I was absolutely careless in a battle.

Why the fuck didn't I make sure he was dead first? I knew who I was up against. I should've known Akatsuki members wouldn't go down that easily.

She sighed softly, "Based on the bloodwork, you were having a boy."

I winced with the news. A mini Kakashi... this can't be real. My world began to crumble around me.

"Y/n, you have to tell him."

"I can't!" I yelled as I ripped out my IV's and swung my legs over the side of the bed. "Don't you get it!? He'll hate me Tsunade! I let this happen! I have no one to blame but myself!"

I immediately got out of the bed, ready to storm out of the room when Tsunade stopped in front of me, staring me dead in the eyes.

I could help but to burst into tears as I looked at her, and she quickly wrapped me in her arms, letting me cry into her as she held me.

"I let my guard down, Tsunade. I turned my back because I thought I killed him," I cried as I recalled the events of my fight with Hidan and Kakuzu.

"This isn't your fault, Y/n. We didn't know what they were capable of."

I held her tightly, "Please don't tell anyone. Please."

She sighed as she rubbed my back, "Fine. But you will need to, eventually."

I nodded as I pulled apart from her, wiping my eyes, "I need to let him grieve Asuma. I need to just focus on being there for everyone else."

"You're important too, Y/n," she said as she grabbed onto my shoulders. "This is important too."

"Can I go check on Shikamaru now?" I asked her softly.

She just sighed and nodded as she let go of me.

"Thanks for being here, Tsunade," I smiled softly at her before leaving. "You're a good friend."

••••

"Where's Shikamaru?" Kakashi asked me softly as we stood there for Asuma's funeral.

I just shook my head. Shikamaru needed his space, and I was going to let him have it. I didn't blame him for not wanting to be here today.

I spent most of my time the last couple days with Kurenai or Kakashi. I tried to make myself useful as much as I could, but every time I tried to talk to Shikamaru, he avoided me completely.

I already knew I would try again tonight, but for now, I would focus on my dear friend.

I held Kurenai'a hand through the ceremony, letting her cry into me when she needed. I'm sure she felt so alone, especially with being pregnant, but I wanted to make sure she knew I'd always be here.

That child would have an entire army looking out for them, myself included.

The funeral ended, but I couldn't bring myself to leave. Small tears began to form as I stared at Asuma's burial site.

The thought of losing him, and Kurenai raising their kid, along with the reminder of losing my own child, it was starting to catch up to me.

I hadn't let myself cry or collapse even once since finding out about it all. I knew if I did, there would be no turning back. I wasn't sure I'd be able to pick the pieces back up.

Kakashi came and kissed me on the head, "Hey, are you doing ok?"

"Fine," I mumbled as I quickly wiped my eyes. "I'm going to go check on Shikamaru."

He grabbed my hand as I turned to walk away, "It's ok to be sad, Y/n. It's ok to cry. You don't need to hold back for any of us."

I didn't even have the heart to look him in the eyes, "I'll see you back at home, yea?"

As he nodded I quickly took my hand back and left to go to my childhood home. It was dark now, so I figured Shikamaru would be back there.

I walked into his room, my heart breaking as I saw him lying on the ground crying, shogi pieces scattered across the floor.

"Rough night?" I teased as I laid down on the ground next to Shikamaru.

He cuddled up next to me, burying into me as he started to cry again. I silently held him, letting him sob and yell and shake as much as he needed to.

I couldn't even begin to imagine how much he was hurting. Asuma meant the world to him. I only wished I could do more. But for now, I'd just make sure he knew I wasn't going anywhere.

"Y-Y/n," he finally spoke up, his voice soft and hoarse. "What do I do now?"

"I think you already know," I whispered back to him.

He slowly sat up staring at me as I joined him. We sat facing across each other, and looking into his eyes, I saw not only the pain and sadness but also a fiery determination.

"Will you help me?" he asked.

"I'll do whatever you need me to Mar."

He nodded before starting to pick up the shogi pieces, "Then we've got work to do."