Oxygen

Trigger warning: This chapter contains scenes depicting self-harm or suicide. Please skip if you're not comfortable reading this. I don't encourage anyone to do such thing. If you're experiencing mental/emotional/any kind of struggles, please seek help from someone capable of giving you the right treatment. Again, don't imitate the actions being shown here. Please read with care!

Flashback... Few years ago...

Blurgh. Blurgh. Blurgh.

Napahawak ako sa toilet bowl habang kinakalma ang aking sarili. I'd been vomiting a lot lately. Hindi ito normal sa akin.

Lagi rin akong nahihilo at sumasakit ang likod ko randomly. Nato-tolerate ko naman ito most of the time.

But, this time, it was different. It was unbearable. Gusto ko nalang umuwi sa bahay at magkulong sa kwarto.

"Hello, okay ka lang ba diyan?" someone suddenly knocked on the cubicle's door.

Agad kong pinunasan ang aking bibig using my hand. Standing up from my position on the floor, inayos ko rin ang aking buhok bago lumabas.

As soon as I was out of the cubicle, nakita ko si Koleen na nakatayo sa aking harapan.

"Ballerine? Ikaw pala yong sumusuka? Okay ka lang? Anong nangyari?" She fired me questions as her brows creased in worry.

I forced a smile. "I'm okay. Thanks." Naglakad ako patungo sa sink at naghugas ng aking kamay.

"Sure ka? Gusto mo bang samahan kita sa infirmary?" tanong ulit niya habang nakatingin sa akin sa salamin sa loob ng cr.

I shook my head at her. "Okay lang talaga ako, don't worry about me."

She sighed. "Sige. Pero kung may kailangan ka, sabihan mo lang ako, ha?"

I just nodded at her. I could feel the sincerity in her voice, but I didn't want to involve her in whatever I was feeling right now.

Matapos ang volunteer shift ko sa Psych Centre, I decided to go to the infirmary anyway. I was greeted by the school nurse na first time kong makita dahil hindi naman ako pumupunta dito.

"Ano ang nararamdaman mo ngayon?" The nurse asked me after checking my vitals, which turned out to be normal.

"Uh, I just feel a bit dizzy and I vomited earlier," I confessed.

Tumango naman ang nurse. "Pwede ko bang matanong kung kailan ang huling period mo?"

Napalunok ako. I honestly couldn't remember the last time I got my period.

"Alam kong sensitive at personal na topic ito, pero kung sexually active ka, baka may chance na buntis ka. Gusto mo bang i-test?"

My mind went completely blank. It wasn't because I didn't want a baby. But, there were so many reasons why I couldn't have one... not now, at least.

"Ballerine, if you want to do this privately, pwede kitang bigyan ng pregnancy test kit at gawin mo nalang sa bahay niyo," suggestion pa ng nurse.

"I'll just... I'll do it here," I finally said as she gave me the kit.

Lumabas ako ng infirmary na may dalang problema. The pregnancy test turned out positive.

What the hell will I do now? Paano ko sasabihin kay mommy? Sa lahat?

#

The next day, I still went to class, kahit na hindi ako mapakali sa nalaman kong may dala-dala akong baby sa tiyan ko.

I never told anyone, not even Logan about it because I wasn't sure if I wanted to have the baby. I could not risk myself and him getting expelled, and I didn't want to ruin our family's reputation.

"Bee? That's you pala. Tapos na class mo?" I bumped onto Jillian habang malalim ang isip kong naglalakad sa hallway.

"Uh, yeah. I'm going home na," I told her.

"Can you come with me? Saglit lang," Jillian pulled my arm at hinayaan ko nalang siyang dalhin ako sa kung saan.

I was too deep in thought at hindi ko namalayan na pumasok kami sa isang masikip na kwarto.

Scanning the room, I saw some trolleys with cleaning equipment. It looked oddly familiar.

We were back inside the janitor's closet. It was exactly that same damn day they kidnapped me to propose their plan of shaming Logan Maxwell.

Naalala ko pa ang araw na 'yon and I couldn't believe I agreed to their stupid plan.

Sino ba ang mag-aakala na magba-backfire ang planong ito sa akin? Karma is really a bitch.

"Bee, time to execute the plan," Jillian suddenly closed the door behind us.

"Jillian, what is this?" I muttered under my breath.

Lumapit si Jillian sa akin habang nakakunot ang aking noong nakatingin sa kanya. "Alam mo bang pinagpustahan ka rin nina Logan sa frat nila? He knew what we were doing... which means our plan failed."

I tightened my jaw in disbelief. "What do you mean? Logan would never do that."

Someone suddenly burst out into laughter - a menacing one. Napatingin ako sa gilid kung saan may pumasok na isang babae and she looked awfully familiar.

Habang papalapit na siya, doon ko na-realize na si Crisha ang dumating... ang ex-girlfriend ni Logan.

"Ballerine, remember me?" Crisha greeted, waving her hand casually towards my direction.

I creased my brows in confusion. "Crisha, anong ginagawa mo dito?"

"Oh, I forgot to mention, Crisha is my older sister," Jillian suddenly introduced, which made my jaw drop on the floor.

"Is it starting to click in your head?" Crisha asked me.

I swallowed the lump in my throat as I tried to process what was happening. "Why would you do this? Dahil ba mahal mo pa rin si Logan?" I asked.

Crisha flashed a sarcastic smile at me. "Ballerine, we're just helping you here. Can't you see that Logan is heartless?"

I shook my head. "That's not true."

"So, you don't want to continue the plan? Then, ikakalat nalang namin ang biggest secret mo," Jillian stated.

"What do you mean?"

Jillian took her phone out, swiping on it and then showing me a very familiar photo of me when I was a kid. "That you had weight loss surgery at the age of seventeen, of course."

Bumuga ako ng hangin. It didn't matter to me if everyone would mock or bully me for doing the surgery. I would not give in to this crazy bitch. "I don't care if you show that to the world."

Crisha shrugged, ignoring me. "Jill, show her!"

Jillian suddenly clicked something on her phone again. Then, a video clip of Logan with a group of guys played on her phone screen, showing it in front of my face.

"Captain, ang dali-dali ng dare oh."

"Just make Ballerine Castillo your girlfriend bago matapos ang championship game."

"Ano, game?"

"Sige, game." That was Logan speaking at the end.

"Do you believe us now?" Crisha spoke again.

"What do you want me to do?" I asked.

Nagkibit-balikat si Crisha. "Ikaw bahala. But, I want you to convince Logan na ibigay sa akin si Princess. Otherwise, we'll just let everyone know that you're carrying Logan Maxwell's baby, who is your step-brother. Everyone will know how messed up your family is. Logan's reputation will be destroyed and both of you will no longer have a face to show here in the campus. We have all the receipts. It's just one click away from showing it to everyone."

Napatigil ako sa sinabi ni Crisha. Hindi ko alam kung paano nila nalamang buntis ako. I only went to the clinic once yesterday at doon ko nalamang buntis ako.

"Don't do this," I mumbled, my insides seething in anger.

Crisha moved closer to me. "Then, do what I say."

#

I never had suicidal thoughts before. I only ever heard voices in my head, telling me what to do, what to wear, what to eat. They were part of my everyday life. I treated them as friends, even though they were actually my enemies.

Alam kong may mali sa akin. Not only physically, but mentally, I wasn't stable. I was fully aware of that. But, I refused to seek help.

My scars from my surgery when I was seventeen were still as fresh as I could remember. Sometimes, I imagined my life being that fat, ugly girl again.

Maybe I wouldn't be in this position now. Maybe I wouldn't be a target of a stupid plan to shame someone else. How ironic of me to do so.

And now, I was carrying a life inside me that I wasn't sure if I wanted to have or not.

What will my baby think of me? Being a mother at eighteen as a result of fucking her step-brother in secret?

Tapos malalaman ko pang hindi pala totoo ang nararamdaman ni Logan para sa akin...

I wouldn't be able to face this child. Nakakahiya.

Napatawa ako sa sarili kong reflection habang nakatingin sa salamin sa loob ng aking kwarto.

I looked like a fool. Nakasuot pa rin ako ng aking pink pajama set at kahit na Monday ngayon, hindi ako pumasok sa klase.

I skipped my class for the first time.

"I'm proud of you, Ballerine."

A voice echoed beside me. She's here again... my friend... my only friend who ever supported me.

"Do whatever you want. Don't listen to anyone," she continued to advise me.

"What will I do?" I asked back, tears escaping from my eyes.

"You don't want the kid, right? Then, don't have it. It's for everyone's sake."

Kumurap ang aking mga mata habang nakatingin pa rin ako sa salamin. My friend was right. Kailangan kong gawin kung ano ang makakabuti sa lahat.

Naglakad ako sa may dresser table at kinuha ang maliit na bote ng Paracetamol tablets. Iniinom ko ito sa tuwing nakakaramdam ako ng sobrang sakit sa katawan dahil sa ballet training.

Maybe this would help ease my pain now.

"Yes, that's right. Take that. Take all of it!" my friend encouraged cheerily.

Binuhos ko ang bote sa aking palad kaya nahulog ang ibang gamot sa sahig.

"No one will care anyway if I was gone," I convinced myself, taking the handful of pills in my mouth.

Napuno agad ang loob ng bibig ko habang ramdam ko ang pagbara ng aking lalamunan.

Seconds later, I couldn't breathe normally.

The last thing I could remember was seeing myself infront of the mirror, screaming silently for help.

#

Ilang araw na raw akong nandito sa ospital. Pero, ni isang bisita wala akong nakita.

I chuckled at the thought. Kahit pala mamatay na ako, wala pa ring mag-aalala sa akin.

What did I expect? Sa ngayon, sigurado akong galit na galit na si mommy sa akin.

I deserve this crap happening to me right now.

"Doctor, is she going to be okay?" A woman's voice invited me from the side of my bed.

Napatingin ako sa gilid at nakita si mommy na nakatayo sa tabi ko habang kausap ang isang doktor. Nandito pala si mommy.

"She's already stable, Mrs. Castillo. But, I'm afraid her baby is not going to make it. She's physically unfit to carry the baby for months. Kung ipipilit niya ito, maaaring ang buhay niya ang kapalit," the doctor stated matter-of-factly.

My brain stopped functioning in that moment. Gusto kong magsalita, ngunit walang lumabas sa aking bibig.

"Does that mean she will have to abort the child?" Mom continued to ask.

"Generally, it's life or death for either of them. We will have to ask for consent to do a procedure on her, once magising siya. We will discuss all the risks and implications that this can bring to her."

"Okay, doctor. Thank you," mom finished at umalis na rin ang doktor.

"M-Mom?" I mumbled.

"Ballerine, how are you feeling?" Her voice was soft and sweet. Huling beses kong narinig ang ganitong pag-aalala niya sa akin ay noong araw na na-bully ako.

"I'm... okay... mom," I answered in hesitation. I could feel the oxygen tube hanging in my nose, making me feel uncomfortable.

Mom flashed me a smile as she held my hand. "I'm glad to hear that."

"Mom..." I spoke again. "Are you mad at me?"

She heaved a long sigh before answering, "Why didn't you tell me about your baby?"

Napatigil ako sa sinabi niya. Alam na rin siguro ni mommy ang tungkol sa amin ni Logan. There was no way out of this.

"Ballerine, tell me the truth..." Mom's tone was more worried than infuriated. "Is Logan the father of your child?"

"Yes mom," I mumbled.

She nodded. "How long have you been together?"

I paused, thinking about my first meeting with Logan. Truth was I've liked him even before he was bullying me. But, I always knew he would never like an ugly girl like me.

"Ballerine," mom called me again, breaking me out of trance.

"Mom, we only got together after the wedding, but, we've been seeing each other even before your wedding with Tito Raymond," I confessed.

"I see. So, what do you plan to do now? About your baby?" she asked the most important question.

"I'm..." I paused. "...not going to have this kid."

Mom's eyes widened a bit. "You want to abort your child?"

Ngayong sinasabi ito ni mom, parang na-guilty ako bigla. But... "Mom, narinig ko ang sinabi ng doctor. I'm not fit to have this baby. Besides, I don't want my kid to grow up in a messy family. I don't want my child to be bullied and be labeled as a product of incest. I don't want him or her to experience what I've gone through."

Hinigpitan ni mom ang paghawak sa aking kamay. "Ballerine, do you know why I feel distant with you?"

Of course, alam kong mas mahal ni mom si ate. I'd always felt like she didn't love me... as if I wasn't her own daughter.

Nakita ko ang pagdaloy ng luha sa mga mata ni mom. And for the first time, I felt closer to her than ever before.

"Mom," I hushed, making her look at me.

"Your dad forced himself inside me multiple times after I gave birth to your older sister. I had depression and I didn't want to have sex with him. He abused me and raped me. You were born out of that. And everytime I see you, I remember those dark days of my life..."

Habang pinapakinggan ko si mom, hindi ko na rin napigilan ang sarili ko sa pag-iyak. I never knew dad abused mom. He was always kind and sweet to me and Ate Bri. Kung alam ko lang na ito ang dahilan kung bakit nakipag-divorce si mom kay dad, sana noon ko pa naintindihan ang sitwasyon ni mom.

"I'm sorry if I blamed you and made you feel that I didn't love you. I'm sorry if I was cold and cruel to you. I'm sorry, anak," mom continued to bawl her eyes out.

And for the first time in years, narinig ko ulit ang pagtawag niya sa akin bilang anak. My heart was filled with all kinds of emotions, but in that moment, gusto ko lang yakapin si mom.

"Mom, I'm sorry, too," I mumbled, reaching out to her and wiping the tears from her cheeks.

She forced a smile at me. "Don't ever think that you're not fit to become a mother, because I know you will be far better than I am."

"T-Thank you, mom."

That was the best day yet in my life...

And also the worst... because I lost the baby inside my womb.

#

Present time back in New York...

"Ballerina."

Umikot ako sa boses ng pamilyar na lalaki. And there he was, standing more than six feet tall and wearing purple bruises on his face, Logan Maxwell smiled at me.

Bakit siya may pasa at sugat sa mukha? Hindi ko alam.

Sa kabila nito, ang laki ng ngiti niya habang nakatingin sa akin. Unti-unti siyang naglakad palapit and just like in a slow motion scene, narinig ko ang pagbilis ng pintig ng aking puso.

It has been years since I last saw him and yet, my feelings for him didn't change. Akala ko ay makakalimutan ko siya kapag lumayo ako. But, no.

"Sa wakas, nahanap rin kita," sabi pa niya nang marating niya ako.

Looking at his hazel eyes up close, my tongue suddenly twisted, making me unable to speak.

"Namiss kita," he suddenly mentioned, pulling me closer and giving me a tight hug.

Hindi ako nakagalaw sa aking posisyon, allowing him to drown me in his arms.

I immediately smelled his familiar vanilla scent, making my mind hazy. Damn him. I need to fight this.

With all my might, tinulak ko siya palayo. "What are you doing here, Maxwell? You shouldn't be here."

Napatawa pa siya. "Relax, Bal. Nandito ako para kumustahin ka."

I closed my eyes for a second, taking a breath. "What? So, you flew all the way here para kumustahin ako?"

"Mate, just leave her alone," Hyde suddenly spoke behind me.

"I'm not talking to you, mate," Logan talked back at the younger guy.

Nakita ko ang pag-ismid ni Hyde kaya pumagitna ako sa kanila.

"Maxwell, I'm not going to hesitate to file a restraining order against you," I warned.

Logan chuckled again. "Restraining order? Aabot na ba talaga tayo sa ganyan? Hindi na ba ako pwedeng mangumusta sa ex-step-sister ko?"

I let out a frustrated sigh. "It's not funny, Maxwell. Bakit ka ba nandito?"

Napatigil si Logan saglit habang nakatitig sa akin. "Nandito ako para imbitahin ka sa kasal ko."

"Kasal? Ikaw?" I fired him questions, my eyes still in awe.

Nakatitig lang sa akin si Logan nang biglang magsalita siyang muli. "Last chance, Ballerine... wala ka na ba talagang nararamdaman para sa akin?"

Napakurap ako ng aking mga mata. Whatever I say now will make or break our relationship.

But, I already made that decision long time ago.

Finally, I muttered, "Ikakasal ka na, but still, here you are... trying to win me back? You're really pathetic, Maxwell."

Logan smiled at me, nodding his head. "I'll take that as a no."

But, he was wrong. I still love him... and I always will.