Scar

Nilagay ko ang aking mga kamay sa loob ng aking coat pocket habang naglalakad pabalik sa apartment.

I didn't mind the cold weather. In fact, mas gusto ko ito kaysa sa summer. But, the thing was it was freezing cold that I couldn't get out of the dorm much.

It has been few years since I arrived here in New York. Winter season ngayon dahil February pa lang, pero maraming tao sa labas para i-celebrate ang Valentine's Day.

Bumuntong-hininga ako, ignoring the happy couples passing me by.

Walang pumilit sa akin na pumunta dito. It was not because of mom... and definitely not because of a certain guy.

Choice ko ang pagpunta dito. I thought it would be better to live far away from everyone... from all the noise and chaos.

While walking, I heard a music coming from the corner of the street. Standing there was a guy wearing a Spiderman tshirt and holding an electric guitar.

The past few days, napansin kong lagi siyang nakatambay malapit dito sa building ng Juilliard. Hindi ko alam kung student ba siya dito o sadyang tambay lang siya.

Umiling nalang ulit ako as I walked past him.

"Happy Valentine's Day, pretty," biglang bati sa akin ng lalaking nakahawak ng gitara nang mapadaan ako sa harap niya.

I stopped infront of him, giving him a good look. I was immediately drawn by his crystal blue eyes and the piercing on his lower lip.

The guy smirked at me as I stared at him. "Wanna be my date today?"

I flashed him a sarcastic smile. "No thanks. My son is waiting for me."

Napaawang ng bibig ang lalaki. "You have a son? No fucking way."

"Anyway, goodluck with your busking." Nag-iwan ako ng paper bill sa guitar case niyang nakapatong sa sahig bago ko siya iniwan.

"Thanks, pretty!" Rinig kong sigaw ng lalaki habang nakatalikod na ako at naglalakad papunta sa dorm building.

When I reached inside my apartment, agad akong binati ng isang batang lalaki na tumatakbo palapit sa aking direksiyon.

"Tita Mommy!"

Agad na napawi ang pagod ko buong araw kaka-practice ko sa ballet studio nang makita ko ang anak ni Ate Brianna. "I miss you, Linus!" I bent down, kissing his cheek and hugging him tight.

"Tita, look!" Pinakita ng limang taong gulang na bata sa akin ang kanyang drawing book kung saan kinulayan niya si Spiderman. His favorite superhero.

"Oh, wow! That's very good, Linus!" I patted his head, praising him.

He flashed me a smile, showing his dimple on the cheek. "Sobrang cute talaga ng baby ko," I mumbled.

"Uh-hem..."

A voice startled me from behind, making me turn to look. Nakatayo si Ate Bri sa aking likuran habang nakahalukipkip.

"Why are you late?" she started to speak.

"Ate," I greeted, standing up from my position. "Sorry. I got caught up in practice."

Bumuntong-hininga siya. "Bal, didn't I tell you not to overexert yourself? Baka mamaya-"

I squinted my eyes at her. "Ate, I'm okay. But, thanks for the concern."

She flipped her long blonde hair, flexing her neck from side to side. "Kumain ka na ba ng dinner?"

Lumapit ako sa kanya sa may kitchen counter. "Nagluto ka ba?"

"No. I ordered from your favorite Thai restaurant," sabi niya habang may nilalabas mula sa refrigerator.

Ever since lumipat ako dito sa New York, mas naging close kami ni Ate Bri. She knew everything that happened. She was there for me during my darkest days. She didn't leave my side. She even cancelled her modelling gigs just to be with me.

Ate Bri supported me and even booked me for group therapy to help with my depression and eating disorder.

Slowly, I started eating more healthy food. My current weight was at 47.3 kg, and I still needed to gain more for me to reach my ideal weight for my height. Naging regular na rin ang periods ko.

Seeing my sister being a great mom to her child made me want to have my own kid as well. Maybe this time, makakaya na ng katawan ko. I was healthier now compared before.

I mean, I did get pregnant once, but it didn't turn out the way I wanted it to be.

"Bal, are you sure you don't want the kid?" Ate Bri asked me the moment I told her I was pregnant. Parehas sila ng tanong ni mom sa akin.

And my answer was always... "Yes, I'm sure. I don't want to raise a kid without a father."

Kumunot ang noo ni ate habang nakatingin sa akin. "I'm not asking about that, Bal. I'm asking if you want to have the kid."

I swallowed hard. Do I want a kid? Of course, I do. Especially knowing that I made love with the person I wanted to have a future with.

But, the circumstance we are in is impossible for our kid to live through. I don't want my kid to feel that his or her dad abandoned us... because that is not the case.

Logan would surely be over the moon if he knew I was pregnant with his kid. I could imagine his wide smile creeping up his face the moment I'd tell him.

I only see my future with him. There's no other person I want to be with than him.

But, our parents are happily married now.

As step-siblings, we can't be together in this lifetime.

Ito pala ang sinasabi nilang right person, wrong time.

"Bal, don't think about other people's opinion. Think about yourself and for your kid," advise ni Ate Bri sa akin.

I put my hands over my face. "But, I'm scared, ate. I don't know what to do. What if the baby dies inside my belly?"

"Bal, I'll be here with you. Don't worry. You'll get through this."

But, few days after finding out my pregnancy, the doctor told me that my baby died inside my womb.

Why? Because I was too unhealthy. My body couldn't sustain the nutrients my baby needed. I wasn't fit to become a mother.

"Bal, I think you should go back to the Philippines," Ate Bri suddenly mentioned, snapping me out of my nostalgia.

Umiling ako. "What for, ate? I'm happy here."

She exhaled a breath. "Are you really?"

I faked a smile. "Of course. Why wouldn't I be?"

"Mom and Tito Raymond are getting an annulment," my sister stated.

Kumurap ang aking mga mata sa aking narinig. "W-What?"

"At least, one of us should be there for mom," Ate Bri said.

Huminga ako nang malalim. Gusto kong umuwi para makita si mom... But, I didn't know how to face Logan.

#

Being a student at Juilliard has been a dream come true for me. Akala ko hindi ako matatanggap dito noon bilang transferee, but I did. Fortunately, natanggap ako sa Bachelor of Fine Arts Dance Program nila. Nasa last year na ako ng program dahil na-credit naman ang ilang units na kinuha ko sa Fotheringham University.

Pumasok ako sa first class ko ngayong araw na may dalang maskara.

Sa isang class namin ay pinapasuot kami ng maskara habang nag-de-deliver kami ng lines galing sa script. Sabi ng professor namin, ito ay magandang strategy para sa malaman namin kung paano i-express ang aming sarili kahit na hindi kita ang aming mukha.

When I entered inside the room, may ibang mga students na rin na busy sa pag-wa-warm up ng kanilang mga boses at katawan. Nakasuot na rin sila ng kani-kanilang mga maskara kaya sinuot ko na rin ang akin.

May malaking salamin sa loob ng kwarto kung saan pwede naming makita ang aming mga sarili sa tuwing nag-pa-practice kami. Wala ring mga mesa at upuan dito at usually ay umuupo lang kami sa sahig.

When our professor came in, we all gathered in a circle, sitting down the floor. Kaunti lang kami sa klase kaya kasama namin ang ibang estudyante mula sa Music department.

"How are you all going? Welcome to a new school year," bati ng aming professor na babae na nakaupo sa gitna ng circle na pinalibutan namin.

"Yeah!" My classmates cheered.

"Okay, to start off, I want you all to tell me the story of that person behind your masks."

I closed my eyes, composing myself. Narinig ko na ang isang classmate kong nagsimula sa pagpapakilala ng kanyang sarili.

What story should I tell the whole class?

When it was finally my turn to speak, I cleared my throat first. "Hey, I'm Scar... I'm someone who has been hiding behind a mask all her life. I was called by different names growing up, fat... whale... ugly..."

Huminga ako nang malalim bago nagpatuloy muli. "I was full scars, who chose to alter herself to conform to society's standard. And even after that, I still wasn't good enough. I know this may sound just another sob story, but this is my story."

Ilang segundo ang nakalipas nang matapos ko ang aking piece. Tahimik lang silang lahat hanggang sa may isang pumalakpak at sinundan rin ito ng iba.

"Thank you for sharing, Scar," sabi ng aming professor.

Nakahinga ako nang maluwag matapos nito. Dalawang oras kami sa Drama Class tapos lunch break na.

Tinanggal ko ang aking mask habang patungo sa cafeteria sa baba ng building. Naglalakad ako sa hallway nang biglang may tumapik ng balikat ko.

"Hey, Scar!"

I stopped walking, turning to look at my side. A guy wearing a red hoodie over his head welcomed me with a bright smile.

"Nice seeing you here," he continued, wiggling his brows at me.

Pinanliitan ko siya ng mata. "Do I know you?"

He stifled a cackle. "Oh, come on, pretty. You already forgot about me? Thanks for the dollar last time, by the way."

Tinitigan ko siya, looking at his blue orbs and slowly, it dawned on me. "You're the busker outside?"

Napatigil siya sa pagtawa. "Busker? I'm a musician. I play music for free."

"Okay," sabi ko nalang at nagpatuloy ulit sa paglalakad.

"Wait, hold up!" Sinundan ako ng lalaki. "It's my first day here. Can you show me around?"

"Why don't you go to the office and ask for a peer mentor or something?" I suggested.

The guy pouted. He definitely looked younger than I was, even though he was taller than me. "Please? Just for today?"

Bumuga ako ng hangin. I guess I could spare a minute or two for this kid. "Fine," I finally said.

"Sweet! Thank you, Scar!" He suddenly hugged me, squeezing me into his arms.

Agad ko siyang tinulak palayo. "It's Ballerine, not Scar."

He pressed his lips in a thin line, his lip piercing poking out. "What? I like Scar better. I think it suits you."

Umiling nalang ako. I didn't have the energy to argue with this kid.

"Oh, by the way, I'm Hive," he introduced himself, winking at me.

"Okay," I just said as I continued to walk towards the elevator.

Nauna pa siyang pumasok sa loob ng elevator at hinintay akong pumasok. "Wait, didn't you say you have a son? Is he cute like me?"

I turned to him. He flashed me a wide grin, exposing his perfect set of teeth. "No, he's cuter than you."

He immediately pouted again as if that was his initial reaction to everything. "But, I bet I'm cuter than his dad, huh?"

I stopped at that thought as the elevator door opened. Logan is definitely cuter... and more handsome... and manly... and everything I want him to be.

"Scar, aren't you coming out?" He suddenly waved his hands up in front of my face.

Nakalabas na rin siya sa elevator habang hinihintay ako.

Taking a breath, I stepped out of the elevator and turned to the guy. "Can you stop asking me personal questions?"

"Oof, why so cold," he commented, placing his hands inside his hoodie pockets.

I knew he was referring to me as cold and not because of the weather.

Thankfully, hindi na rin siya nagtanong tungkol sa aking personal life. But, the guy was such a fluff ball of energy, it was hard for me to keep up.

Na-cancel pa ang classes namin mamayang hapon which meant I got stuck with him for the rest of the day dahil ayaw niya akong tantanan.

"I need to stop by somewhere," sabi ko sa kanya.

"Can I come with?" he asked, his face beaming with enthusiasm.

I raised a brow at him. "What? Don't you have other things to do?"

He shrugged. "I live by myself, so... no."

Napatigil ako. So, mag-isa lang rin pala siya dito. I suddenly wanted to ask him another question, but I chose not to. We just agreed not to ask each other personal questions.

"So?" he asked again, his blue eyes sparkling at me.

"Okay. But, promise me you're not going to fall for me," I immediately told him. Better to say it out loud.

Nilapit niya ang mukha niya sa akin. "If you don't fall for me first."

"I'm not a cougar," I stated, putting my coat on.

The guy chuckled beside me. "What are you on about? I'm eighteen."

"And I'm twenty-two," I stated.

"So? It's only four years. That's nothing," sabi pa niya.

As soon as we stepped out of the building, small droplets of snow greeted us from above.

Napatingin ako sa taas at hinayaang dumampi ang niyebe sa aking pisngi. I always loved it everytime it snowed. It was the best part of winter.

"You love snow too?" he asked, making me turn to him. Nakatingala rin siya habang nakabukas ang kanyang bibig at tila kinakain ang niyebe.

Napatawa ako sa kanya. Parang bata. "You look like a kid right now."

"Oh! Look at that! I made Scar smile!" He suddenly exclaimed, his eyes widening in excitement as if he just won a lottery.

Agad kong tinikom ang aking bibig. "Shush. Let's go!"

"Ballerina."

Isang boses ang nakapagpatigil sa aking paghinga ng ilang segundo.

That voice so familiar and enchanting sent a current up my spine. I knew that voice like the back of my hand...

What are you doing here, Logan Maxwell?