What makes you happy?

This seems to be a question that is popping up in my life lately. Or maybe it's always been there and I've just never paid that much attention to it. I've always been one to avoid questions like this, I don't know why, but I have, so for the sake of this post, I am doing it again.

I'm going to reverse the roles and ask you the same question: What makes you happy?

Let me start by saying this. I know what makes me happy. I know what I want and what I want to do in life, but right now I'm not happy. It's scary to let your walls down sometimes. I've always been one to keep my heart guarded and my walls up. I'm not one for letting people in and telling them what's on my mind or what I'm feeling in my heart.

I've always been one who holds everything in. Shake me like a soda can, pop the top, and I will explode about something that happen ten years ago. "Let it go," they would tell me. But that's the thing. I can't. I can't let it go, because as soon as I do, I know deep down it will happen again.

What makes you happy?

People tell me all the time "You have so much going for you. You have a house, a car, a great job with great money and benefits, you have a precious child, and a man who loves you. What more could you want?"

You're right, I do have all those things, but let me say this, half of that is material things. Yes, I know there are people in life, some I've met, that don't have half of what I do. But trust me, it's not everything. If you would've asked me ten years ago, where do you see yourself, this is not what I would've pictured.

Am I grateful for what I do have? Yes, absolutely. I'm grateful for a job, a car, clothes on my back, food in my belly, and a roof over my head. I'm grateful that I have a very smart and well behaved five year old (most of the time. She has her moments.) and I'm grateful for the special person in my life, I wouldn't change that for the world.

But this is not where I want to be. The little town I live in, is not for me. There is nothing to do here, if you want to do something fun or find a cool spot to hang out, you have to drive thirty minutes to an hour away. My stepdad used to make fun of me because he always said I was a city girl.

The town I moved from was smaller than this one and it had a lot less to do, so it was a small upgrade, but not by much. I don't need L.A. or New York City, but I like places that have history and things to see or do. I don't need to spend money to be happy or have something to do but its nice on occasion.

The place I live now is weird. It's a town where everyone knows everybody and they're all related in some way. The local Walmart is ten minutes away and that seems to be the place to hang after you grab a milkshake from Cook Out. The local movie theater is closed due to Covid, restaurants are open with restrictions, but right now you can't even go to the local park because they have it roped off.

I know Covid has been a pain in the ass but seriously this is all becoming a little much, but that's a conversation for another time. I didn't move here for me. I moved here for someone else. My daughter, I wanted her to be raised around family. I wanted her to know her family, but at this rate I wonder if that's a good thing or not.

I work a lot. Six days a week, about ten hours a day. If my daughter isn't at school then she's with Nana or Papaw. By the time I see her she doesn't want anything to do with me and all she does is cry when she has to stay with me. She told me she misses me and she wishes that I didn't have to work that much.

Trust me, kid, me and you both, but unfortunately mommy has to do what I have to do to make sure you have a good life. I'm sorry for always falling asleep on you, but mommy is exhausted. If I could work less I totally would, but as soon as I do mommy would become more stressed.

There's a lot of days that I live in fantasy land, but then reality smacks me back into my place. If I could sell my house, my car, give away the animals, and travel across the country I would. Everything in life that I have and own is material and I won't be able to take it with me when this world is over, so why have a house packed full of shit when you could just take the simple road?

I used to live in a camper when I was kid. I loved it, and remember it being my happiest times in my life. Granted my dad was a drunk, and argued a lot with my mother, I remember it being simple and loved just being able to pick up and go wherever we wanted too. I know it's not a place to raise my daughter, but I would do it in a heartbeat all over again. I was raised in one. I came out just fine, right?

I think it's one of the main reasons that I have never liked huge homes. I've always lived in a place that was just the size I needed, but now with a kid, I feel like I need a mansion to hold all the stuff that everyone feels like she needs.

I had a dream the other night that I had a camper on a piece of land with the best view ever. My munchkin was running around in the yard while I just sat in a chair enjoying the weather. I didn't have a neighbor for miles, pretty sure there was a dog in there somewhere, but honestly I can't remember.

But I do know who was there, I remember looking up and smiling right at you. You. You know who you are. Because we've discussed this same exact dream before. Maybe that's why I was finally able to think and dream about it. Maybe that's why I feel like I'm not myself right now.

Maybe that's why I feel like this isn't for me. Maybe that's why I don't feel happy. This town, this home, it's not for me. It never was. I said it five years ago and I'm saying it again. This was and is only temporary.
With all that being said, did I really answer the question? Yes but no. I think I need to turn thoughts into actions and actions into motion and work towards something. A goal. A new "Where do you see yourself in ten years?"  and then maybe I'll be able to have a solid answer.

What makes you happy?