I sipped my espresso. Scanning the shop for signs of pocket thieves, assassins and government spies over the cup's rim, I considered rejecting the offer.

I know your secret. Work with me if you want to know more.

Which secret? I had too many.

A draft blew in from the shop's open door, welcoming another giggling couple. Their well-kept clothes and colourful patterns exuded the wealth that only the shop's customers could afford, myself included. This was a little sanctuary from the outside, an escape from the outside world's problems of food shortages and danger at every turn.

The breeze from outside tickled my bare ringfinger and reminded me of how closely I was walking the knife's edge by staying in this absurd city. No matter where I went, the world was intent on making me conform.

Glancing at the instructions scrawled on my coffee cup, I waved at the barista. "Can I get the special? With whipped cream."

He nodded and continued taking orders from customers.

Nothing happened. I waited one minute. Then five.

I didn't notice the man sitting across the table until he touched me.

"Xinyi," he said softly, as if it was the most natural thing in the world.

I froze. Beneath the fedora was the man I used to love.

Bitterness travelled up my throat but melted into vanilla warmth by the time I spoke. Despite the cynical facade I try to put on, I couldn't help being who I was. I placed down my espresso.

"Shuo. What are you doing here? This place, it's not normal--"

He gently pried off my fingers that gripped his hand. He met my eyes. Even after our break-up, Shuo was as handsome as ever. But he wasn't the same man that I had first met all those years ago.

I straightened. "You should know that I'm not a man, despite what you perceived when we first met. I am neither woman, nor man, and if you can't respect that, then please leave."

He seemed almost relieved, as if he'd expected me to lash out at him or break down at his feet instead. "Of course. Of course, Xinyi."

I wondered if my family had told him that. I wondered what my family thought of me now, after running away only to land in another form of hell.

Shuo placed his fedora on the table. A metal pin on the hat's band caught my eye. Was that...a heart?

He cleared his throat. "So. I'm sure you've observed the fate of those who don't have partners in this city."

"Bullshit. First my gender orientation, and now my marital status? That should have nothing to do with--"

"Listen to me." He leaned in closer. "This is not a question of right or wrong; it is a case of survival. I'm a detective here. In all of the crimes I've investigated, the victims were living alone. They didn't have anyone to protect them. They didn't have anyone to put their faith in while living in a society that naturally pits you against everyone. Do you want to be the next victim of robbery, Xinyi? Do you want to be killed because you happen to have the food that another person doesn't?"

Yes, I had been born with privilege. My family's wealth and influence protected us from the horrors of a food-deprived society. Perhaps that had made me naive. Perhaps that was the reason I walked around without a care for my own safety, looking at the horrors of the world through rose-tinted glasses. I couldn't be happier with this sliver of freedom.

"I'm already risking my life by being who I am," I said through gritted teeth. "You're working for someone, aren't you. You're not doing this because you care."

I point to the metal pin on his fedora. Now I discerned the shape: a geometrical heart. Anyone who only glanced at it would mistake it as a set of double doors.

But it made me wonder, why have this conversation in a coffee shop if the act of being single was so treacherous? The patrons' murmur washed over the silence like tidal waves on a shore, calm before the storm. Shuo was putting my life at stake by letting potential eavesdroppers know I had no one in my corner. Yet I was completely okay with that, too, because Shuo only had my best interests in mind. Like always.

No, like before. It wasn't the same, I reminded myself.

Shou's eyes sparkled. "It's our secret society. The Matchmakers. We look out for each other. We're in the places where you least expect so we can help each other in difficult times. And it doesn't have to have a romantic connotation of any kind attached to the pairings. Marriage is the strongest bond, but best friends, siblings, and so on can be 'paired' as long as they swear eternal loyalty to the other."

"That's not love."

"Sometimes loyalty comes out of necessity. Love follows suit."

"I don't know anyone here. Marriage or no marriage, I wouldn't be comfortable living under the same roof with a stranger."

"Am I a stranger to you?" Shuo asked.

My heart stuttered to a halt. "I-I....No. Of course not."

"I'm doing this because I care," he whispered, "and I want to make up for my past mistakes. Pease, Xinyi, give me this chance."

I saw my young naive self in him. Shou's fervent passion and obvious belief in this matchmaking society....it was clear where his loyalties lied. It revolted me as much as it made my heart bleed. Here was my ex-boyfriend, so desperate to be part of a bigger purpose, truly doing what he thought was best. I had loved him for that, and I always would.

Would he do the same? Could he practice the unconditional love that he'd praised me for again and again, showering me with kindness and affection but never truly supporting me in my darkest days? I wasn't one to shame others for the way they loved. Not at all. I wouldn't give away my own selfless, childlike heart for anything. The heart that still believed in true love and caused me so much pain.

I placed my palms on the table and balled them into fists. This was supposed to be the "manly" stance, the "masculine" pose that seemed to command respect in movies and in real life. Society taught us to be binary, and I was still working to find my own place instead of falling back on presumptive rules. But playing by the rules didn't invalidate my own gender identity. I knew who I was; Xinyi, a non-binary person who loved the world unconditionally. If I had to play by the rules a little longer to get what I deserved, then so be it.

"I'll have to reject that offer, Shou. I need to learn how to love myself unconditionally, first and foremost. Don't persuade me with sweet talk that you'd be by my side. I can't trust you."

"You've never been good at lying."

"No. But the point is, I don't need your help or the Matchmakers to defend myself."

"Do you understand what you're giving up?" Shuo asked, raising his chin so he could look down on me. The shop quieted. Every head turned to our table, and in that moment, I did understand what I was giving up: allies. In a world where trust was a luxury, I was alone.

"You could have everything that I ever wanted coming here," Shuo said with a forlorn wistfulness. "This shop is one of the Matchmaker's many bases in the city. Everyone who walks through our doors is protected, given shelter. Our spoils are divided. Money is shared. That coffee you're drinking was bought at painstakingly bargained prices. And you're ready to give that up?"

I had given up my privileged lifestyle the moment I ran away. Material wealth didn't compare to living the life you were meant to claim. But words wouldn't change his mind, and neither would my unconditional love.

It would be a test, I realized as I exited the coffee shop and the city roar engulfed me. The sky was shrouded in clouds the colour of spoiled milk. Trash littered the streets, and a police siren sounded, always chasing another robbery. At least three different sets of eyes landed on me, weighing the plausibility of robbing my wallet against my exterior physique. It would be a test to see if I could uphold being true to myself despite the constraints I've found myself in.

I had spent too much of my life hiding away. But now I would fight to my last breath if it meant walking this earth as who I was meant to be.