tw: unedited angst<3

...

The air feels cold against your skin, and the atmosphere is still. There's a purple tinge to the light around you, and you know you're back where you need to be.

'Y/N?'

You turn, and there's Thor, and there's – god, there's Loki. The air leaves your lungs and you can't look, but you can't tear your eyes away either. His neck is bent at the most awful angle, his glassy eyes fixed on something that you can't see.

It seems almost impossible that in this timeline just minutes ago he'd been living, breathing, holding you. Thanos lies some distance behind him, the glaive still sticking out of his chest like some sort of grotesque flagpole.

'Y/N, is that you? What's happening?'

There's a slight tremor to Thor's voice, and it's that that allows you to look away from Loki to his brother. He's staring at the gauntlet and stones in your hands with his one good eye, one side of his face still streaked with tears, the other side with blood.

'It's me,' you say, and you have to try twice because of the large lump that has found its way into your throat.

'But you- you were just...' Thor stammers, gesturing towards where you assume you had – for him - just disappeared from about twenty paces to your left.

'I know it's confusing, but listen to me, I need you to trust me. Just for now. I promise I'll explain everything later,' you say, taking a few shaky steps towards him. Towards Loki. You avoid looking at him again, because it makes it quite hard to breathe when you do.

Instead you watch Thor turn back to him and see fresh tears appear in his eye, which is almost as painful.

'He's dead,' he says, his voice cracking as he speaks the words.

'I'm going to bring him back.'

Thor turns to look at you sharply, and then looks again at the gauntlet in your arms. This time you open your hand to show him the four Infinity stones you have in your fist as well. His eyes widen, and he stumbles backwards as he sees them.

'What- how...?'

'Thor, please. Just trust me,' you plead, understanding that you're asking the impossible of him. He just gapes at you, and you crouch down on the ground, placing the gauntlet before you, followed by the Infinity stones.

Then you pick the gauntlet back up in your non-dominant hand, taking a deep breath as you prepare to put it on. You have a bad feeling that it's going to hurt quite a lot.

'Y/N, wait. You don't know what you're doing,' Thor rasps, stumbling forward towards you. He's battered and bruised, missing an eye and most of his armour, but his voice is filled for concern with you.

'I have to try,' you tell him, your voice hoarse. You're exhausted, emotionally and physically, and you just want to get this done as quickly as possible. So you slide the gauntlet on to your hand.

At first, you feel nothing. Just cold metal against your hand, shrinking to fit tightly around your fingers and wrist, until suddenly the metal grows burning hot, and pain shoots right up your arm all the way to your shoulder.

You cry out in shock and agony, gritting your teeth as you wait for the pain to recede. It doesn't. Your vision is tinted purple, and you can feel your eyes burning. Your magic, trying to protect you.

'What have you done?' you hear Thor say, and look up through the waves of discomfort to see him crouched next to you.

'I'm getting him back,' you tell him through gritted teeth, looking down at your hand, now trapped inside the gauntlet.

'How? How do you know if it will even work?' Thor asks you desperately.

'I don't. But I have to try,' you say firmly, already getting used to the burning, aching pain which is wracking your arm. 'Will you take those?'

You point to the Infinity stones, and Thor looks at you apprehensively before scooping them up carefully.

'Okay. We're going to the Sanctum Sanctorum. In New York, remember?' you ask him, struggling to your feet. The gauntlet seems to weigh so much more now that it's on your hand.

'Yes, with the wizard,' Thor says, still watching you with a worried look in his eye.

'Strange, yeah,' you say, leading Thor over to Loki, determinedly keeping your eyes fixed straight ahead of you, knowing what you have to do next but not wishing to acknowledge it.

'Do you – shall I hold him?' Thor asks tentatively, and you squeeze your eyes shut.

'No. He'll hurt you,' you say, thinking of Loki's cold skin. Quite literally as cold as ice.

'He'll hurt you.'

'No, he couldn't,' you say quietly, bracing yourself. Then you look down at him, and feel in that moment as though you could just... dissolve. Like a raindrop hitting a leaf. There one minute and gone the next, like Loki.

You crouch down, half to be nearer to him and half because your knees refuse to hold you up while you're looking at him like this, and you feel Thor's hand tight on your shoulder.

I'm bringing you back. Don't go where I can't reach you.

It feels important to tell him, even though there's no consciousness to receive and comprehend your thoughts. Just in case.

You swallow hard before reaching out with the hand which doesn't have the gauntlet on to grasp Loki's arm, and the icy burn which spreads through your hand is much more welcome than the burn which you'd felt from the gauntlet.

'Y/N?'

Thor's voice snaps you back to reality, and you raise your gauntleted hand, bringing your fingers together into a fist. You're not sure how this is supposed to work, but you think you have a general idea of what it involves.

So you close your eyes, and tap into the power of the Space stone. You can feel it sat there on your knuckle, vibrating away as the power inside senses you trying to connect to it. Once you're sure you've tapped into its power, you think with all your might of the Sanctum Sanctorum.

After a second, there's a loud rushing sound in your ears, and you feel as though you're being pushed very, very quickly through deep water. Thor's hand tightens on your shoulder and you hold Loki's arm tight, your hand numb against his icy skin.

Then the sensation stops, and you open your eyes to find yourself exactly where you'd pictured. The base of the stairs in the lobby of the Sanctum Sanctorum. Thor exclaims in shock, but you don't give yourself time to feel anything.

You release Loki's arm and turn to Thor.

'The stones,' you ask, holding out your hand, the nerve endings of which are all completely frozen. Thor hesitates, moving his hand away from you slightly.

'I'll be fine. Please. Trust me,' you lie, looking at him earnestly. Thor opens his mouth, and then closes it, tipping the stones into your hand mutely.

'Thank you,' you whisper, pressing your hand to the gauntlet. Two of the stones immediately find their place, slipping from your fingers into the gauntlet with ease. Fresh pain lances up your arm and you grit your teeth, bowing your head in pain.

One of the stones drops into your lap, but one falls to the floor, bounces, and skids away from you. All of this happens as Strange appears at the top of the staircase, flanked by Bruce and another man who you don't recognise.

'Y/N! Jesus–' Bruce says, and you almost feel the shock that he does as he sees Loki. You grab the stone in your lap and jam it into the gauntlet, groaning as your arm is drawn further into anguish and standing up shakily to look around for the last stone.

It's gone.

You panic, casting around for it wildly, until-

'Y/N.'

You look up to see Strange stood a few steps from the bottom of the staircase, holding the last stone. It pulses orange in his hand as though it can sense that it's not where it's supposed to be; it belongs in the gauntlet with its counterparts.

'Give it to me. Please,' you say, holding out your hand and stepping forward. You can hear the pain in your voice, and hate how weak you sound. You'd thought that wielding Infinity stones would make you feel better, not drain you even further.

'You don't know what you're doing. Take it off,' Strange tells you gently. You actually laugh. As if you could stop now even if you wanted to.

'Please just give me the stone,' you reply, unmoving. In the next split second, Strange thinks that he's going to conjure the stone to a different place, somewhere that you can't get to it even with the other five Infinity stones, and so you move.

You summon the stone into your numb hand, and it's halfway towards you before Strange pulls it back.

'Y/N, don't!' Thor yells, but you hardly hear him. You tap into the Power stone and feel a sudden, incredible rush of energy surge through you. It's as though the power from the stone has fused with your magic, and it's incredible.

Before Strange has time to even blink, you've cast a protective shield around Loki, pushed Thor back against the wall and trapped him, and surrounded Bruce and the man at the top of the stairs in magic so that they can't interfere either. Then you bring Strange towards you, and block him from performing any spells. All in a breath.

'No, don't. Don't do this,' Strange gasps, struggling in vain against your power. The Soul stone floats from his hand into yours.

'You see that I have to though, don't you,' you ask, and Strange looks over to Loki.

'Listen, listen to me. I know it's hard, but you can't possibly wield that much power. You are powerful, exceptionally so, but to bring someone back from the dead? You'll die, Y/N. Not to mention the impact it could have on the timeline...'

He trails off as you laugh again, the way your mouth stretches as you do feeling extremely foreign.

'If I survive this, we'll have a chat about the timeline,' you tell him. His expression changes, curiosity creeping into his worried expression.

'What's happened? I felt something, earlier. You have to tell me,' he says urgently.

'I will,' you say, and then you use the Mind stone to make him fall unconscious. You let him down to the ground gently, and then place the Soul stone slowly into the gauntlet. This time the pain makes you fall to your knees, and your vision goes black around the edges.

You can hear Thor calling your name from far away, but you can't think about him now. Only Loki. Struggling to your feet, you turn and manage to get to his side, dropping to the ground and letting the shield around him down as you reach him.

The pain is so severe now that there are tears pouring your face, making it hard to see. You reach out for him instead, finding his hand and holding it tight, unable to feel properly. It occurs to you that your senses are failing you, and that you'd better hurry up before the stones kill you before you've brought Loki back.

You let your mind go very quiet, concentrating on the way it feels to breathe. Just in case.

Then you tap into every stone at once, and tilt your wrist, bring your thumb and middle finger together.

Bring him back. Bring him back.

The effort it takes to bring your fingers together in a snap is gargantuan. Impossible. But then there's a rush of energy which stops your heart and draws the air from your lungs, and everything flashes white.

You watch briefly from outside your body as there's an explosion of force from the gauntlet, knocking everyone backwards. Your body falls slack, purple mist shimmering to nothing around you, your open eyes so deeply purple that they're almost black.

You see Thor starting towards you, and Strange sitting up in shock. You see the stones glowing brightly in the gauntlet on your limp hand. And you see Loki. Unmoved, lying next to you still.

And then you see nothing.