Emma rounded the back of the converted mansion-turned-apartment building where she lived and skipped checking the mail to push the elevator button five times in quick succession. She wasn't in a hurry to get upstairs and be enraged by whatever Jake's excuse for rescheduling was. She just never knew when her weird landlord, Glen, would be standing in front of his peephole waiting to catch someone on their way in or out. He'd made it a point to let everyone know that the owners were offering him big incentives to catch anyone breaking building rules. An over-inflated housing market butting up against beautiful rent control meant they couldn't raise the rents of the current tenants of the six units, but they could charge new tenants double, and in some cases triple what the old ones were paying. If only they'd slip up.

Anyway, she wouldn't be trying to avoid him if she didn't owe him money.

Glen was an odd duck, but she could handle him, even if she couldn't figure him out. Some days he'd be too busy to acknowledge her, or he might react to a casual 'how are you?' as though it was an impertinent question. Other times he'd ask about her love life like he was a creepy old family friend. It would be easy to write him off as a dirty old man, because she'd often feel him staring at her before she saw him, but when they spoke, his eyes would drift from hers, not to leer at her mouth or her chest, but to study less obvious parts, like her forehead or her elbow in the most distracting way. She once tried to give him a rum baba for Christmas which he said was "highly inappropriate for so many reasons". This same man one day knocked on her door holding an orange tabby cat by the scruff, asking "Is this yours?" like it was a microphone he wanted her to speak into.

"No. Where did you find it?"

"Outside," he'd answered, exasperated eyes behind thick glasses rattling in his round head, bald save a few downy fluffs.

"Glen, I'm on the fourth floor. In a building that doesn't allow pets. How could that be mine?"

"Alright, so I'll put him back," he'd said.

A year later, she could still the cat grooming himself in Glen's window.

All that said, it'd been surprisingly decent of him to let her put off paying a month's rent during all the confusion when Gabe moved in. She was facing a steep paycut and Jake was a little late kicking in support. She took a chance and pleaded her case and couldn't believe when Glen assured her he'd appease the owners until she could catch up the following month. There were lots of little extra expenses before everything got back on track – food, movers, school clothes, etc - and repaying that missed rent was going to hurt no matter when she did it, but four months on, Glen still hadn't brought it up.

Had he forgotten? Did he let it slide? Was he waiting to ask her for some other form of payment? Jackie thought it might be a case of entrapment for eviction and kept offering to cover the amount. Emma wouldn't hear of it because Jackie was on a fixed income and had a sick husband. It's not like she couldn't hold that orange tabby over Glen's head if she had to, but she'd just as soon not remind him of the debt at all until she was making her promotion salary again.

She stepped out of the small elevator and stood in front of her door. She had a bad feeling about whatever was waiting for her on the other side, and this was maybe her last chance to exist in a moment where the chaos was going and not coming. It was before 5pm. She could probably wait out there longer without fear of seeing her only neighbour come back from work or wherever he spent his days being miserable. She took a few more seconds, then a deep breath. If the stress didn't kill her the suspense would, so in she went.

Gabe was in his zone watching something on his tablet. Jackie looked very anxious to see her.

"Hi guys!" Emma said cheerfully, trying to manifest better news. "Hey Gabe, how was school today?"

"Okay," he answered her, glued to his screen.

"What are you watching?"

"Horrible Histories."

"Yes, he's been learning all about Stupid Deaths on an endless loop," Jackie said. "It's got quite the catchy theme song." The tone of her voice was working very hard to both mask and express concern.

"This guy named Draco from ancient Greece died 'cause they threw too many coats on him in the arena," Gabe said without looking up.

"Most of them died on the toilet," Jackie said.

Gabe showing a special interest in death was part of trying to normalize it, his therapist said, so Emma shrugged and shook her head to let Jackie know this was not going to be the reason to freak out today. "Did he eat yet?" she asked.

"A snack. It's too early for supper."

"Oh, right. Did someone from the building come over? Got a notice they're supposed to be installing fibre cable or fibre tv or something this week. It's Thursday."

"Is that what's really on your mind?" Jackie said. Her eyes begged Emma to relieve her of her burden.

Emma sighed. "Gabe honey. Can you go to your room while Grandma Jackie and I talk?"

"Why?"

"Because it's grown up talk and I asked you nicely."

"I know, but I can still hear everything in there so why don't I just put earphones on in here."

"Humour me."

He did as he was asked and shut his door.

"Okay Jackie, give it to me."

"He sent this this morning," she said, handing Emma her phone.

Mom,

I'm so sorry. I don't even know what to say, except I just can't come home and be Gabe's dad right now. I feel detached from everything. Every time I see him I see the future Sophie and I were supposed to have together and it's killing me. I know that makes me a selfish bastard but I want Gabe to feel loved and I know he will with you and Emma. I know it also makes me a coward because I can't explain this to him myself. Not yet.

Please don't be too ashamed of me. And don't be hurt. If you didn't have Colby and Janet to help you I'd never leave, but obviously I can't be around so I have to disappear. I don't think I should come back if it's not for good. Tell Gabe I love him and ask him to forgive me. Tell Emma thanks.

Love, Jake.

"That dirty shit," Emma said, anger and panic building inside a bubble of shock.

"I don't know what to say," Jackie said.

"Where is he?"

"His phone's turned off. The number in Mexico disconnects after one ring, so I'm assuming he's still there and just turned it off."

"What does this mean? Does it mean he's never coming back? Like, ever??"

"I don't know."

"Is he giving up his parental rights?"

"He can't be! He wouldn't! He just needs more time."

"How much more?" Emma read the letter again and only stopped pacing to grip the back of her dining room chair for dear life. "What the hell, Jackie? I can't be a mother forever. I, I mean, who am I? Moms have those switches in their bodies that get flipped to prepare them for this. My body's not prepared. I need sleep! I need wine! I need my boyfriend back!"

"Not that one, surely."

"Maybe not, but some of those friendly benefits at least! Maybe I just need to come home and be alone and stare at my wall if I want. I put my entire career on hold. They're not going to hold my spot indefinitely." She bagan pacing again, more thoughtfully than frantically. "I could do anything in the meantime. I'm great in the meantime! Oh God, I'm not awful. I love that kid like crazy. But I need my life back."

"Well, that's also something I wanted to talk to you about," Jackie said carefully. "You know Janet and Colby have been trying for years."

"Hold it," Emma said and laughed dryly. "I know he's your son, and everyone is more comfortable saying he stuck his hands down the back of my pants last Christmas because he was drunk..."

"He thought you were Janet."

"She just decided to dye her hair and shrink three inches while she did the dishes?"

Jackie shrugged helplessly.

"It was kind that you and Jake invited me so I wouldn't spend my first Christmas without Sophie alone. I know everyone was under a lot of stress, and Jake more than we knew. It's lovely that Colby and Janet want to pitch in, but no. No, if my sister, who never planned anything but what she was wearing ahead of time, who had no idea some drunk asshole was going to crash into her on the 401 and kill her at just 38 years old, if she made a will naming me as Gabe's guardian then he stays with me."

Even as she said the words, something inside her, protective and loving and instinctual, scoffed at the notion that she would keep Gabe out of obligation. "He's mine," she said, and knew nothing truer in that moment.

"I could take him," Jackie offered.

"You have your hands full with Frank," Emma said.

She did, too. She and her husband were both at the beginning of their sixties when early, aggressive Alzheimer's hijacked their lives. Emma wondered if Jackie worried she would take her anger with Jake out on the rest of the family by keeping Gabe from them. The thought never even crossed her mind. She and Sophie were not on the best terms with their own parents; not with their mother and her second husband, or their father and his third wife. Fortunately, one pair was in Florida, and one was in Australia, and their tense trips home for Sophie's funeral were brief.

Jackie had always been very loving to Sophie as her mother-in-law, and even if she was offering to do more than she possibly could do out of some unfounded fear, it wasn't as though she wouldn't throw herself in front of a bus for Gabe or any one of her children.

"I have two girls coming in now to help so I can still pick Gabe up on the afternoons you need and watch him till you get home," Jackie said.

"Can you pick him up from school tomorrow? I have a meeting that might run late."

"I have a PA day!" Gabe yelled from his room.

"A what?"

"A PA day. No school!"

Emma mushed her face with her hands.

"Boy, the walls really are thin in here," Jackie said.

"It's true," Emma sighed. "I was living here for about a month and I couldn't take it. I finally had to ask my neighbour downstairs what was so funny every Thursday at 9. An Italian game show. I don't get the channel but maybe when they install the new fibre thingy."

"Maybe thin walls is why there's that windy whistling sound in the bathroom behind the mirror. I'd be so self-conscious. What if your neighbours heard you...snoring?"

"God, I hope he thinks it's snoring," Emma said, a little alarmed.

"He who?"

"Oh, the jerk next door. Surly sourpuss. Never says hi, never holds the elevator. Always waits till I pull out my keys to open the door in case it was all some ruse to get in and rob the place. You know what though? I never hear him...snoring, so it should be okay."

"Well, good," Jackie said, readying to leave.

"So can you watch him tomorrow?"

"I'll make sure I can."

After Emma walked her to the door, Jackie said, "Again, Emma, I'm so sorry. I loved your sister. I love my son. I just don't know what to say."

"Do you think I'm supposed to file for custody or something?"

"I hope not, but if it comes to that, I'll help you."

Emma gave her a hug. Somewhere out there, her baby was hurting too. Her big chicken shit baby.

"I better go talk to Gabe."

"See you tomorrow."

Emma stood at another door taking a deep breath. When she let herself into Gabe's room, he was playing a game on his tablet, but clearly he'd been crying. It broke her heart. She sat next to him on his bed.

"Hey, kiddo. I'm really sorry about your dad not coming. I just want you to know it doesn't mean he doesn't love you."

"That's exactly what it means," Gabe said, folding over his game. Gently, Emma took the tablet from his little fingers.

"You remember how Dr. Mercy said grief is like getting splashed with invisible mud? It's heavy and it's gross and it makes us tired and angry and sad. And the toughest part is that no one else can see it. Your dad looks like your big, strong dad, but his mud is just caked. It's too heavy to let him do anything he wants, and he doesn't want any more to get on you. He wants you to be happy, and he thinks you'll be happier if he stays away until he can get all cleaned up."

"That's stupid."

"Well, I never said he wasn't stupid, only that he's gross and he loves you. And I love you too."

"You want to drink wine and stare at a wall," he muttered.

"They're not my everyday goals, but goals nonetheless. While you were using your super sonic hearing, did you not also hear me say I want you with me?"

"Just because my mom told you to."

"You know why? Cause I loved her more than anyone in the world, and she loved you more than anyone in the world and she knew I'd love you more than anyone now and that we'd take care of each other. Besides, it's easier for her to watch us from heaven if we're together."

"Did she love you more than Dad?"

"Let's put it this way. One day, we were at the beach - me, your mom, your dad, and this embarrassing boyfriend I used to have."

"Why was he embarrassing?"

"Do you know what an ambulance chaser is?"

"A fire truck?"

"No. Do you know what a speed walker is?"

"No."

"I don't suppose you've heard of a macro diet?" Gabe shook his head. "Well, that's the best picture I can paint. Anyway, there we were, on our beach chairs, and your dad comes out of the water and a seagull poops on his head. His hands go up to his face and then he steps on a sharp sea shell or something that cuts his foot. He yells and goes flying into his empty chair next to me. It collapses and pinches his skin in, like, the fold of his belly or something, so then he falls and gets sand all over my Bain de Soleil and right in my eye. "

"I heard this story before."

"Of course you did. It's on our greatest hits album. To answer your question, the first thing your mother did when this all happened was rush over to me and ask if I was okay. So make of that what you will."

He sniffed a little and shrugged. And smirked.

"So maybe now whenever a bird poops on your head, you can think of me, telling you this because I love you the most, and I want you to be okay. But I'm not sure what I'm doing all the time so we have to make a deal. You're allowed to feel whatever you feel. Sad, mad, happy, even if it's all at the same time. You just can't hide it from me if you need help. I can't read your mind like your mom could. Same goes for me being honest with you."

"That's fair," Gabe said, wiping his nose on his sleeve.

"Shake on it." He did. "Now, we have to hug on it." They did.

"And now in the spirit of honesty, I have to tell you that your uncle Colby and Aunt Janet would also like you to live with them."

"Uncle Colby thinks Tyrannosauruses are overrated."

"Well, he just figures if you have hands you should use them. Look, I didn't plan on making dinner tonight so I'm going to have to order us pizza.

"Oh no," he said with a sly smile that made her want to collapse with relief.

"This day just keeps getting worse, huh?" she joked.

Pizza came in about an hour, and while they ate, they watched more horrible, hilarious, G-rated accounts of historical deaths. Later, Emma gave Gabe a little more game time before finally putting him to bed. When she was sure he was asleep, she drank her wine and stared at a wall, and wondered if it was possible to not screw up both their lives.