March 1995

Jeff Dempsey has that look.

It's one of those universal human expressions that we all instantly recognize. It's the look you would have after stepping in dog shit on the way into the most important job interview of your life. Or if you looked up to see the car you just rear-ended is a parked police cruiser.

It's an expression that encapsulates contempt, anger, frustration, and overall exasperation. And for the last 20 minutes, it has been permanently affixed to Jeff's 17-year-old baby face.

What caused this look is not necessarily anything he did or saw. Instead, his dismay is caused by something he heard...over and over and over again. It's the unmistakable sound that any basketball player dreads. The seemingly deafening sound of the ball CLANGING off the iron. Each time, echoing off the walls of the Holy Trinity High School gym.

He's fired up so many bricks, he's expecting someone to rush in and give him a well-earned Mason's union membership card.

Had he been searching for excuses, he wouldn't have to look too far. His plaid button-up long-sleeve shirt and faded blue-jeans are not exactly conducive to draining long jumpers. He hasn't had a proper warm-up given that he skipped third-period Religious Studies so he could get in fifteen to twenty minutes of shooting as a confidence booster. As another shot ricochets off the rim and slams against the wall, he now sees the folly in this plan.

His only consolation is that he is suffering this humiliation alone. There is nobody else in the gym to bear witness to this Hindenburg of a shooting display.

"Your elbow is flying out."

Or so he thought.

The female voice was familiar although he couldn't immediately place it. Jeff turns around to see the varsity team's equipment manager, 15-year-old Ginny Holder standing behind him. Two decades later he would be re-introduced to her as Ashley but at this point in time, Jeff has no idea how their paths will cross again one day. Right now, she is just Ginny, the Grade 10 girl who makes sure the team's uniforms are ready for the games and the ball racks are out for pre-game warm up.

Her comment has Jeff perplexed and almost unsure where to begin. As adults, this is an occurrence that will become commonplace for him. But for now, Jeff is more than a little annoyed.

"What?" he offers as more of a statement than a question.

Ginny takes a few steps towards him. "Your shooting elbow is cocked way out to the side. Ginny mimics the shooting motion that has the shooting elbow pointed out at a 45-degree angle. She then brings it in so the shooting forearm is more straight up and down. "This is how you normally shoot."

Jeff's delicate male ego makes him instantly resistant to taking shooting tips from a girl two years younger than he. On that other hand, he can't bear the sound of another missed shot so he's ready to try just about anything. Jeff picks up the ball, squares up to the basket, launches a jumper with his elbow in and...SWISH.

Dead. Solid. Perfect.

He looks at Ginny who does her best to hide a smug, satisfied grin. "Thanks, kid." He offers in his best cool-guy voice and starts to walk out of the gym. He doesn't realize he's being followed until he hears that voice again.

"You nervous about Franklin Heights tomorrow?"

"I don't get nervous," Jeff offers in his best Steve McQueen demeanor. Of course, that was total horseshit. As lies go, that is one of the top five he's ever told. It's right up there with "Of course, I'd love to see your slam poetry reading," and "Oh my God, you love Carrot Top movies too?!?"

Jeff nearly throws up before every game and the next day's Provincial Semi-Final will be the biggest game of his life. So while his guts will be twisted up six ways to Sunday, the team's geeky equipment manager doesn't need to know this.

"You're going to have a big game against Franklin Heights. I can just tell."

Jeff doesn't respond as he walks briskly down the first-floor hallway. Ginny follows right beside him.

"Why are you following me?" Jeff asks as politely as one can conceivably pose that question.

"We have chemistry," Ginny offers matter-of-factly.

This stops Jeff in his tracks. What did she just say? What did she mean by that? And while he doesn't voice those questions aloud, they are clearly plastered all over his face.

"Dr. Moore's 11-2 Chemistry. I'm in that class with you."

"Right, of course. We have chemistry," Jeff says.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When I was in high school, my favorite class was Dr. Moore's Chemistry class. He was one of the best teachers in the school and always made learning fun and interesting. After high school we became close friends and once a week, I'll visit with him in his retirement home.

One of the lessons that always stuck with me was when we were learning about litmus tests. Dr. Moore told us to appreciate litmus paper as being one of the rare things in life that is without nuance. At the time, nobody really understood what he meant. I think he knew that too because he said, "One day you'll appreciate the sheer simplicity of something that is either one thing or another."

Acid turns blue litmus paper red. Bases turn red litmus paper blue. That's it. There are no mitigating circumstances, no explanations, no exceptions. It's black and white...or I guess in this case, red and blue. A substance is either an acid or a base and there is no arguing with the results.

In real life, it seems everything is subjective or contextual. Even things we think we can take as givens are never as clear-cut as we'd like them to be. The sky is blue...except in certain circumstances when it can appear orange, purple, and sometimes bright red.  So is the sky blue? Kinda, sort of, sometimes.

I've been thinking a lot lately about something Dr. Moore said at the end of that lesson. "Litmus tests are not relegated solely to the domain of the science lab. They are all around us. We just need to open our eyes and see them. And when do, trust that they will never give you a false reading. That, my young friends, is scientifically impossible."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The silence was more than deafening. Normally, Sunday brunch at Jeff & Niko's apartment is abuzz with conversation and laughter, often at one of Louie's embarrassing misadventures.

But today was different. Not just because Louie was running late and it was just three of them waiting to dig into plates of steaming hot waffles. It's who comprise "the three" that has things completely out of whack. Seated around the table are Niko, Jeff, and Ellen who is making her homemade Sunday brunch debut.

They will occasionally glance at their phones or reply to a text but absent is anything that could generously be described as a conversation. That is not to say that there was no speaking at all.

"Tell me again why we're not at one of the best King Street brunch spots," Ellen offers without a trace of bemusement.

Niko gives Jeff a sharp look that indicates this is Jeff's question to field.

"This is our Sunday thing. We get together, eat waffles, share stories. It's a tradition."

"Men owning women as property is a tradition. It doesn't mean we need to keep doing it," she says.

Niko is both clenching his fists and biting his lip. Something needs to give soon or he will explode. That "something" takes the form of Louie who mopes through the door. Louie has never been the most dynamic person but even for him, it's not hard to tell something is amiss.

"Hey guys," he offers in much the same tone Eeyore would, had he downed a paw-full of Quaaludes.

"What's wrong, Lou?" Jeff asks.

"I don't really want to talk about it."

"Are you okay?" Niko asks.

"It's a work thing. I kinda got fired," Louie offers.

"How do you kinda get fired?" Ellen asks seemingly more out of curiosity than genuine concern.

"By actually getting fired," Louie says.

Jeff goes over and sits beside him on the couch. "Can you tell us what happened?"

"I was put in charge of coordinating mentoring day. That's when high school students come in and they shadow someone in the office to learn what their career is all about. So in the invitation email that went out to all the schools, I mentioned how this would be a tremendous opportunity for them to get firsthand job experience in a real-world setting."

"Right, so what's the issue?" Jeff wonders.

"Well, instead of making 'first' and 'hand' one word, I left a space and made them two words."

It takes them a moment to piece it together. "So instead of offering them firsthand job experience, you promised a bunch of high school kids..."

"...their first hand job experience," Louie confirms.

The room EXPLODES with laughter.

"Guys, it's not funny!"

Jeff is laughing so hard he can barely breathe. "Sorry, Lou. I beg to differ."

The one person who does not find it uproariously funny is Ellen who is still a bit confused.

"It's an unfortunate mistake but hardly something to be fired over," she says.

"Wait, do we know for sure it's a mistake," Niko says. "Is there a chance some of the mentors were actually going to give them their first handjob experience?"

Louie ignores this and turns to Ellen. "I was already on probation for inappropriate office conduct."

Ellen is even more puzzled.

Once again Niko is only too happy to clarify. "He demanded his boss install glory holes in all the men's room stalls."

Jeff stands up and tries to get the day back on track. "Lady and gentlemen, may I propose we sit down and have brunch."

The group sits down at around the table and start to load up their plates. Niko starts looking around. "I'm worried I'm going to get syrup on my pants. Lou, can you give me a handie...er, I mean hankie."

"Hey, leave him alone," Jeff says. "He's had a rough go but I'm sure this whole thing will have a happy ending."

Jeff and Niko laugh once more as Louie sits stone-faced. "Are you clowns done, now?"

"Not even close!" Niko declares.

"Well maybe there will be change all around soon," Ellen says, clearly driving at something.

"What do you mean?" Jeff asks.

"Well, Louie's going to find a new job and soon you'll have a new place to live."

This last comment just sucked all the air out of the room. Niko and Louie exchange a WTF look. Even Jeff isn't sure what prompted this. Living with Niko at the age of 40 was never the plan but in the aftermath of Ellen leaving, their living situation has given Jeff some much needed calm and stability. It feels like home and while he doesn't envision them becoming the Sunshine Boys in their golden years, he doesn't see any reason to change things now.

"Why would I be finding a new place to live?"

"This has been great in a short-term pinch but, let's be honest, it's embarrassing for two middle-aged men to be living as roommates."

"Is it, now?" Niko says. "I was completely unaware of that. It's weird though because I'm not embarrassed. I'm fairly sure my buddy Jeff here isn't embarrassed. So I guess what I'm left wondering is who exactly finds this embarrassing?"

Ellen glares at him but doesn't respond. The four put their heads down and eat brunch in silence.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Niko has been to Ashley's apartment more than a handful of times but never has he felt more trepidation than at the current moment, as he's about to knock on her door. And that is saying something considering not long ago, he almost burned the place down while having a secret forbidden tryst with one of her clients.

When Ashley opens the door and sees that it's Niko, it becomes clear that she is as unimpressed with his being there as he is. "Oh, it's you."

"I wasn't expecting a tearful leap into my arms but I thought some genuine warmth would be nice."

His attempt to lighten the mood barely made a dent. "What do you want, Niko?"

"Can we talk?"

After a few seconds of serious consideration, she opens the door and lets him in. It doesn't take two Sherpa guides and a bloodhound to determine the root cause of the tension. This is the first time the two have seen each other since the disastrous cottage weekend.

Everyone feels like their lives have been flipped upside down since those fateful days. It's like an alien body has infested their delicate ecosystem and thrown everything out of whack. And that alien's name is Ellen.

Niko takes a seat across from Ashley and they just look at each other in silence.

"How have you been?" Niko asks cautiously.

"What do you think?" Ashley fires back. Niko just nods knowingly. Ever since she saw Jeff and Ellen making out at the cottage, it's like she's been weighed down by this cloak of sadness that she just can't shake. "So how's the happy couple?"

"I hate her. I hate her so much!"

This manages to bring the first trace of a smile to Ashley's face in what seems like forever.

"I know people say you shouldn't say you hate people, but I'm fairly certain those people have never met Ellen."

"Again, what do you want, Niko?"

"I want you to reach out to the boy."

"You know I can't do that."

"He really does need you. Now more than ever."

"But I can't be around him. I can't watch them be together. I'm actually thinking of moving away."

"Where would you go?

"I don't know. But I reinvented myself once. I can do it again."

"If you were your own life coach, is that what you would advise yourself? To run away."

"If we could be our own life coaches, none of us would be as messed up as we are."

"What if you two just happened to wind up at the same place at the same time?"

Ashley doesn't respond immediately which causes Niko to smile. If she were really dead set against it, she would have shot it down by now.

"Maybe," she says.

"That's all I needed to hear."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There are few places Jeff hates more than IKEA. When he's voiced this thought publicly, he usually draws the ire of many IKEAphiles whose idea of a day well spent is wandering through the store looking for their next piece of "easy to assemble" furniture. But his loathing has nothing to do with the products or the degree of difficulty in assembling them. It's the store itself.

Jeff approaches shopping the same way Navy Seals approach POW extractions. Formulate a plan then strike with precision. In and out before anyone realizes you're there. One of Jeff's proudest moments was when he completed his Christmas shopping in 15 minutes. After spending most of the day of the 23rd doing recon, he decided on the five presents he had to buy. After a series of surgical strikes, he was in the food court enjoying a vanilla latte in the blink of an eye.

This is the reason he hates IKEA. The floorplan design makes surgical strikes, impossible. The only way to get through the store is to make a day of it. Which is fine when you're a young engaged couple sorting out your registry. But when you are supposed to be meeting your friends for drinks, all you can think about is how you can get airlifted out.

"What do you think?" Ellen asks, snapping Jeff out of his helicopter to safety fantasy. Jeff is trying to figure out how to answer given he has no idea what she's talking about. "The chair! What do you think of the chair? Would it look good in the den?"

Jeff has been here before. He knows there's a right answer and she's looking for confirmation of what she's already decided for herself. "It might, we'd really have to see it in the space."

"Yeah, I'm thinking it might clash with what's there already," she says.

Landmine averted.

Jeff checks the time on his phone and makes a face. "How much longer do you think we'll be?"

Now Ellen makes a face. "Do you have somewhere you'd rather be?"

A younger Jeff would not recognize that as a trap question. But this is not his first rodeo so he knows to tread lightly. "No, it's just that I told the guys I'd come meet them at the Cedar Room tonight.

"So you'd rather spend time with them than me?"

"I'd rather spend time with you AND with them before the day is through," Jeff says hoping it would end this line of questioning.

It did not.

"I just don't understand. If we're going to make this work, we have to make a commitment to each other. That means putting each other first. We have to be the most important person in each others' lives, not friends or colleagues.

"I'm not talking about work associates. It's Niko and Louie."

"I just don't see why you need to spend all your time with friends when we're in a relationship."

Jeff has a choice. Soldier on and deal with the fallout or cut bait here and prevent the situation from escalating. He reaches for his phone and hits a number in his recently called list. He waits for a few moments and leaves a voicemail. "Hey Niko, I won't be able to make it out tonight. I have to help Ellen with some IKEA shopping and a couple of errands, I'll try to meet up with you guys soon."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Niko walks into the Cedar Room and as he approaches the table, sees that he has a missed call from Jeff. As he takes his seat, he listens to the voicemail. His face tells anyone in the vicinity, he is not listening to good news. He hangs up and puts down his phone.

"He's not coming is he?" Ashley asks, already knowing the answer. Jeff had no idea the whole purpose of getting the gang back together was to get Jeff and Ashley together in the same room. Ashley was extremely reluctant to agree and now she feels like Jeff let her down yet again.

Niko is crestfallen. "I'm sorry, he has to go IKEA shopping with Ellen."

"Who's IKEA shopping?" Louie asks as he arrives just in time to catch the last part of the conversation.

"Jeff and Ellen," Niko says.

"Jeff hates IKEA," Louie says.

"How could anyone hate IKEA?" Ashley asks.

"It's a whole Ninja/Commando raid thing," Louie says as if that is supposed to clear everything up for her.

Niko slams his hand down on the table and leans forward. "Guys, it's happening and we need to stop it!"

Ashley looks perplexed. She looks at Niko then at Louie to see if he knows what Niko is talking about. "What is happening?"

"The six-month backslide," Niko says.

"What is that? Is that another one of your theories like the low hanging fruit?"

"It's not a theory, it's a natural law of the universe. When a couple has been together for more than three years, no break-up or separation is complete until they make it through the six-month backslide. Six months is just enough time to forget about why you broke up in the first place and start to miss the good things about the other person. This is why most reconciliations happen at the six-month mark."

"And you think this is happening with Jeff and Ellen?"

It's a classic six-month backslide. That's why you can't badmouth a friend's ex until they have safely made it through the backslide. Let's call this the Louie/Horse-face rule."

"I stand by what I said, she has an unusually long face."

"You called a woman horse face?" Ashley asks indignantly.

"Well, not to her unnaturally elongated face."

"Every time he saw Julie he'd find a way to say "Aw Julie, why the long face?"

"Okay, maybe not my best moment," Louie says.

"So you admit you were a dick but you still stand behind it," Niko says. "Sounds like someone wants to eat their cake and have it too."

Now Louie springs to life. "Did I just catch the grammar police in a mistake? I think you meant to say 'have your cake and eat it too'."

"No, I said it the right way."

"That's not the way everyone else on the planet says it."

"I know and they're all wrong. That way doesn't make sense. If you give me a cake, I can have it and show it to everyone for three or four days. I can possess the cake and enjoy every second of it and THEN I can eat it. Here's what I can't do – eat the cake and then have it to show everyone. I CAN have my cake and eat it too. I CAN'T eat my cake and have it too."

"As much as I've missed the deep dives into the nuances of the English language, I feel like we've gotten off track," Ashley says. "We were talking about the backslide thingy."

Niko perks up. "Right. We need to save Jeff from himself. We have to stop the backslide. Ashley, how do we stop the backslide?"

"Wait, why am I in charge of this?"

"I thought you might have some expertise in relationships that we could exploit to our advantage."

"Oh, well when you put it like that..." Ashley says. "Here's what I can tell you. Every woman has a key 'influencer'. That one trusted source whose opinion they value maybe even more than their own. The Gayle to their Oprah."

Niko and Louie stare at her blankly.

"The Robin to their Batman."

Suddenly they nod in comprehension. "I think I know who that is," Niko says. "She's always talking about her friend Caitlyn. I think Caitlyn is her influencer. Louie, you need to get in Caitlyn's ear and get her to get in Ellen's ear. She has to convince her getting back with Jeff is a terrible idea."

"What do we do about Jeff," Louie asks.

"You leave that to me," Niko says confidently.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Jeff walks out of his bedroom holding up two similar blue button-down shirts. "Which one of these is more dinner party chic?"

Niko doesn't even look up from his laptop. "Why would you ever need to know that?"

"I'm going to a dinner party with Ellen's co-workers and the dress code is dinner party chic."

"Sounds like you just need to dress like a complete douchebag and you'll be fine."

"Thanks, that's...helpful?"

"Hey, here' a question for you. Have you spoken to Ashely lately?"

Jeff is a bit perplexed. Where is Niko going with this? "No, I haven't spoken to her since the cottage actually."

"Why don't you meet her for a coffee?"

"Is there a specific reason why I should?"

"Don't you miss hanging out?"

Jeff ponders this for a few seconds. "I guess. I mean I always enjoy it when we get to spend time together."

"I'm just saying, meet her for a coffee. I think she could really use a friend right now."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Something is different this time. Sitting in a neighborhood coffee shop, Ashley is tending to her mint green while Jeff is getting the cream and sweetener mix in his coffee just right. There is a tension between that they've never experienced before. They've always been very relaxed and natural around each other. The ability to be themselves in each other's company is a big part of why they always felt this close connection. So as they struggle to find a conversation starter, both feel like they are in a strange new world.

"So how have you been?" Jeff asks.

"I've been great thanks, and you?"

"Very good."

With this area of conversation exhausted, they sit in silence for another ten seconds which feels like ten hours. Ashley sits up and her chair and takes a formal tone. "So Jeff, I've really enjoyed these last six months but I feel like we're both kind of in a different place in our lives right now. Do you know what I'm saying?"

A realization dawns on Jeff and he breaks out into a wide grin.

"What? What's so funny?" Ashley asks nervously.

"I've heard this conversation, this tone before. This is the Greg tone. Wait, are you breaking up with me?" Jeff asks jokingly. Ashley doesn't crack a smile. Now Jeff's smile quickly disappears. "Oh my God, you are breaking up with me. How is that possible? We're not even a couple!"

"I'm thinking it's time I went somewhere else for a while. This seems like the right time for a fresh start and I think I want to give myself that."

"Fresh start? To do what?"

"Everything's on the table. I always wanted to get my Masters Degree. I'm looking into different grad schools."

"You can't go," Jeff says.

"Why not, Jeff? What's keeping me here? Give me one good reason why I need to stay here!"

Jeff's cell phone rings. He picks it up but doesn't recognize the number. "I'm sorry, I need to see who this is."

Jeff gets up and steps outside to take the call. Ashley takes a sip of her tea as she tries to assess how she feels about what just happened. Her best guess is a mix of relief and sadness. The call didn't last long but it must have had an impact on Jeff. As he sits back down, Ashley can tell he seems a bit shaken or out of sorts.

"Good Lord, you're white as a ghost. Who died?" she asks in an attempt at levity.

Jeff just looks up at her. "Dr. Moore."