It's been two months to the day since 'Extreme Makeover: Jeff Edition' started and when pondering this fact, Jeff feels a little uneasy. Partially because he believes celebrating "monthiversaries" should be relegated to couples under the age of 18. There's nothing quite as sad as middle aged men and women excited because they are going out to celebrate their four-month anniversary. Except maybe those who don't even have four month anniversaries but that's still debatable.

The other reason Jeff feels uneasy is because he knows anytime he's tried something new, this is about the time he's bailed. CrossFit lasted 57 days which was 55 days after he became convinced it should be categorized as a cult. Art classes lasted 61 days, while Thai Fusion cooking classes set the high water mark at a whopping 68 days.

So while he was a little concerned he might slip back to his old ways, he also had to admit that he wasn't hating his new life. He and Katie, after what could generously be called a rocky start, have been going strong for six weeks. 'What do you get somebody for a six-week anniversary' Jeff thought to himself. 'That's right, nothing because it's not a real thing.'

Even the weekly blogging was getting easier and easier for him. He no longer stares at the webcam dread and apprehension. And even he would have to admit that he was getting better at it. One might even say he was enjoying it.

Case in point – Jeff walks into his bedroom, flips open his computer, fires up the webcam and launches in to a brand new post.

"When I was a kid, my grandmother had this framed picture that always bothered me. It was one of those optical illusions where it was a picture of a haggard old woman or a pretty young girl depending on how you saw it. I don't know why it creeped me out so much. I guess it made me uncomfortable that it wasn't one thing or another. Maybe that's why every time I looked at it, all I could see was the old woman. I thought of that picture this past weekend. Our old college friend Hilary's wedding was fast approaching. We were all invited but...

*********************

"I'm out," Louie declares emphatically.

Louie sits at their regular Cedar Room table where Niko, Ashley, and Jeff are well into their second round.

"Out? Out of what?" Jeff

"Hilary's wedding," Louie says. "I just found out Cathy Maloney's going to be there."

"Isn't that the chick you stood up at the spring formal?" Niko says, bar able to stifle a chuckle.

"That was forever ago. I'm sure she's over it by now," Jeff said reassuringly.

"You kidding? Women remember that stuff."

You're going to miss my big MC speech," Ashley says. "If there's even one dry eye when I'm done, I will consider it a failure."

"Wait, we all went to university with her. How do you know Hilary?" Louie asks.

"We grew up two doors down from each other. We were inseparable until she move away right before high school."

"Well I'm not going either," Niko says. "Hilary and I had a thing back in university and I don't think she's ever gotten over me. Besides, there's only one reason I ever go to weddings."

"Oh I can't wait to hear this," Ashley says.

"It's his low hanging fruit theory," Jeff offers.

"If there's a wedding, there's a bride. If there's a bride, there are bridesmaids and if there are bridesmaids, there is a perfect storm for getting laid. You have the underlying romantic mythology to set the mood, the excitement induced release of endorphins, the need to be reassured that they too are sexually attractive and when you combine all that with the free flow of wine and spirits - Low. Hanging. Fruit."

"Nice theory. You'd have no luck here," Ashley says dismissively.

Niko looks a little offended.

"Why? Are they single?"

"Yes."

"Cute?"

"Absolutely."

"Then that sounds like a challenge."

"Wait, you want to bet on whether or not you can get lucky with a bridesmaid?"

"Unless you're not so confident anymore," Niko counters, holding eye contact the entire time.

Ashley stares him down for a few seconds. "Hundred bucks."

"Make it five hundred."

"Okay but I want to write down the terms so you don't weasel out." Ashley grabs a cocktail napkin and a pen out of her purse and writes as she speaks. "Five hundred dollars if Niko takes home a member of the bridal party from Hilary's wedding."

"Hey Jeff, you gonna come watch me make an easy five bills?"

"I don't think I can."

"That sounds more like the old Jeff Dempsey. What happened to taking on bold new adventures?"

"If you ask me to jump Snake River Canyon on a motorcycle, I'll do it. But don't ask me to go to this wedding."

"You don't want to bring Katie?"

*********************

"Yes, I've been trying to do things the old me would have been too afraid to do. And taking my new 21-year-old girlfriend to this wedding certainly fit the criteria. But I really didn't want to go and I was sure she'd understand."

"Oh my God, we should totally go!"

Jeff is carefully working away at a still unrecognizable lump of clay spinning on a pottery wheel. Katie, is seated across from him painting one of her pieces. Jeff's clay creation suddenly collapses in a messy heap. Katie tries to stifle a laugh as Jeff attempts to reshape his clay.

"I don't know if I'm ready to go to the wedding," Jeff says in an attempt to divert focus from his shoddy craftsmanship.

"That's crazy. Why wouldn't you?"

"I feel like we'd be on display." Katie looks at him quizzically so Jeff tries to explain. "You're a very beautiful young woman and I'm...not."

"Don't be so hard on yourself. In the right backless dress, any man would find you fetching," Katie deadpans.

"What we're doing is not considered age appropriate dating and I feel like people will talk about us all night. And honestly, I just couldn't imagine a more uncomfortable situation.

"Katie?" This draws the attention of both Jeff and Katie to Derek, an impossibly handsome mid-twenties Bradley Cooper type who has approached the table.

"Derek?!!" She stands up and gives him a hug. The embrace lasts a little longer than Jeff is comfortable with.

"I'm so glad I ran into you. I just got back from overseas and I was hoping we could...get together."

The way he pauses and stumbles over 'get together' tells Jeff everything he needs to know about Derek's intentions. Katie's difficulty responding suggests she correctly inferred his intent as well.

"Um...sure."

Jeff looks on in disbelief. He clears his throat.

"Oh, I'm sorry. This is Derek." Katie says.

Jeff shakes his hand. Before Jeff can introduce himself... "Pleasure to meet you sir. I'm an old friend of your daughter's."

Again, Katie tries to hold in a laugh but cannot. "This isn't my Dad!"

Derek can't fight off an embarrassed grin. "I'm so sorry. But kinda relieved." He leans in to Jeff. "We were a little bit more than old friends, if you know what I'm saying."

"Yeah, I think I cracked your code."

Derek now turns his attention back to Katie. "You doing anything Saturday night?"

Before she can answer, Jeff finds words coming out of his mouth that surprises him as much as it does Katie. "We're going to a wedding."

Katie looks at him like she's a little impressed.

"Maybe some other time then," Derek says.

Derek gives Katie a hug goodbye and goes on his way.

"Well, look on the bright side, Katie says. No matter what happens Saturday night, it can't be more awkward than that."

*********************

The wedding ceremony for Hilary and Owen at First Methodist Church was lovely and would have made any upper middle class WASP family proud. Short, to the point, not too religious while still including the greatest hits like 1st Corinthians 13 4-8 "Love is patient, love is kind..." it was a real crowd-pleaser.

Four hours later, upon first entering the reception hall, it was evident to Jeff that this was an event where almost no expense was spared. Beautiful flowers filled the room, decorations of lovebirds hung from the ceiling and ice sculptures could be found almost anywhere your gaze landed. But what really told Jeff this shindig cost a pretty penny wasn't anything he saw but rather was something he heard.

After more than two decades of going to weddings, Jeff learned that the more easily identifiable the official colours, the cheaper the event. For example, a basic no-frills wedding would have purple and white as the official colours. One level up would be orchid and cream while one level above that would feature mauve and eggshell. So when Jeff overheard the official wedding colours were Mulberry and Cornsilk, he had all the information he needed.

Jeff and Katie work their way to their table and before they sit, Jeff pulls out Katie's chair for her. Already at the table is Louie who are two people Jeff doesn't know, Maddie and her husband Phil, both in their mid 50's.

"Such a gentleman. And I thought chivalry was dead," Maddie says in delight.

Jeff takes Katie by the hand. She turns to Maddie. "One of the benefits of dating someone who's old...fashioned." She turns to give Jeff a little wink which Jeff misses because he is focussed on the sight of Louie who approaches in his formal best.

"Lou, nice to see that you caved."

"I found out it was an open bar." Louie sits down and gestures to the empty seat beside him. "Who's supposed to be there?"

"Louie DeLulio?"

That familiar high-pitched voice sends a chill up Louie's spine. He slowly turns around and pastes on a fake smile. Standing behind him is Cathy Maloney, a cute, petite woman to whom time has been a friend.

"Cathy Maloney!"

She takes her seat beside Louie and takes hold of both his hands and she looks deep into his eyes. "I was really hoping you'd be here tonight!"

"You were?"

"I just thought we could maybe take care of some unfinished business."

"I had a feeling you might say that." Louie turns to Jeff and speaks with a hushed yet urgent tone. "You gotta help me or they're gonna find my rotting corpse washed up on shore."

Jeff acts like he hadn't heard a word Louie just said. "Can you believe some punk kid thought I was Katie's father?"

"Or we can talk about your thing," Louie says with a shrug. "Yes, I can believe it." Jeff looks crushed but Louie presses on. "It's just about the math. Were you having sex 22 years ago?"

Jeff quickly does the math in his head. One would think he would have done this calculation already although perhaps there was a part of him that was afraid to. "I guess. I was with Tracey in Grade 12."

"Then all I'm saying is it's possible. I read somewhere about this guy who was dating an older woman and after two years he found out she was his birth mother."

"Is this supposed to make me feel better?"

"Not really. It's more for entertainment value."

Jeff gets a determined look in his eyes, leans back and looks at Cathy. "So Cathy, how long has it been since you've seen Louie? Spring Formal was it?" Louie shoots Jeff a look of horror. Jeff leans in to Louie. "Now I'm entertained."

*********************

Ashley stands at the MC's podium going over her notes as wedding guests mingle before the reception is about to start. Niko approaches and Ashley sees him coming.

"Where were you," she asks. "You weren't at the ceremony."

"I don't go to those. Too boring. So where are these cute bridesmaids?"

Ashley points to the receiving line where the entire wedding party is welcoming guests. Niko's gaze falls on the thee bridesmaids dressed in identical purple...sorry, mulberry dresses. They are aged 9, 11, and 14. Niko's face falls.

"You screwed me big time. You gotta let me go after somebody else."

Ashley pulls out the cocktail napkin and holds it up in front of his face. "I wish I could but we're bound to the written terms of the bet." She then stuffs the cocktail napkin in the front pocket of his suit coat.

"I hope you're proud of yourself," Niko says with as much righteous indignation one can muster given he made a sexual conquest bet at a friend's day of celebration and joy.

"I don't know if I'm proud. I do know I won our bet for whatever that's worth. Oh wait, I know that too - five hundred dollars!"

*********************

The guests are engaged in conversation while Cathy stares intensely at Louie. She leans in close to him. "Hey. Did you know I just got my third degree black belt in Karate?"

"You can only use Karate in self-defence, right?" Louie asks, desperate to be reassured he is not in immediate physical peril.

"Yeah."

Louie exhales with relief but perhaps just a tad too soon. "But when I'm drunk those rules go out the window," she adds. Cathy turns then her head for a moment and Louie grabs her wine and quickly gulps it down. He puts it back in front of her, empty.

Meanwhile, right next to the Louie and Cathy show, Jeff looks up and finds Maddie staring at him. Maddie catches herself. "I'm sorry. It's just you're such a lovely couple. You see Phil, it's like I was telling you other day, the cutest couples look alike."

Louie's head snaps up when he hears this. Jeff looks at Maddie with more than a little skepticism evident in his expression. "You think we look alike? Really?"

Now Louie gives them both a once over that comes close to shattering accepted boundaries of personal space. "They do look alike."

"You have the same eyes," Maddie says.

"Yes. Very similar facial features," Louie chimes in as if he's Sherlock Holmes examining a new piece of evidence."

*********************

Niko steps out onto the outdoor balcony. He's pissed off and needs to collect himself before he goes back inside. He stands in front of the rail and looks towards the sky.

"Why God, why? All I needed was one drunk bridesmaid. Was that too much to ask for?"

From behind him and just off to the right he hears the unmistakable sound of someone vomiting. Niko turns around and sees Jenny, 14, the oldest of the bridesmaids, staggering on her feet, clearly drunk. Niko looks down just in time to see her puke again, this time all over his shoes. He turns his gaze skyward again.

"Okay, now you're just being a dick."

*********************

At the table, Jeff pours Katie a glass of wine as he looks deep in her eyes. The waiter comes over to begin serving dinner. "Excuse me but are these meals gluten free?"

"I'm fairly certain," the waiter responds.

Could you find out for sure? We're allergic."

The waiter nods and goes back to the kitchen as Louie perks up. "I'm sorry. Did you say we're allergic?

"Yeah, turns out we both have a gluten allergy." Louie smirks as Jeff shoots him a knock-it-off look and Katie taps Jeff on the arm.

"Tell them the other thing."

Jeff hesitates with clear apprehension but ultimately relents. "We both have AB negative blood types."

"Less than one percent of the population is AB negative. Pretty cool, huh?" Katie adds enthusiastically.

Louie can barely contain his glee. "That is quite a coincidence." His joy is cut short when he notices Cathy pour herself another full glass of wine. "More wine, that's...great."

Cathy is suddenly horrified. "Am I drinking too much?"

"Not at all. Don't be silly," Louie says has he subtly pulls her wine glass away from her.

"I have to be careful about that," she says as she starts to giggle. "I tend to get...amorous when I get drinking."

Upon hearing this, Louie fumbles the wine glass and spills some of the wine on Jeff and Katie. They both stand up. Maddie is quick to take charge.

"Go put some cold water on it, quick."

Jeff and Katie hurry off, leaving Katie's phone on the table.

*********************

Niko is cleaning off his shoes with wet paper towel while Jenny hovers over him, still very unsteady on her feet. "Oh My God, I'm so, so sorry."

"It's okay. I should have expected it. Just when I thought this shitty night couldn't get any shittier."

"Tell me about it. I don't even want to be in this stupid wedding."

"So why are you?"

"I didn't have a choice. For some reason she wanted her nieces to be bridesmaids." Jenny watches with great fascination as Niko tries to get all the puke off his shoes. "If you ask me, I don't think he's really the one for her."

"You don't think so?"

"Hell no! Ever since I was little all I ever heard was how she was going to be Mrs. Niko somebody-or-other on her wedding day."

Niko's head snaps around upon hearing this. "Excuse me?"

"There's some Niko guy that she's been in love with like forever."

"Niko Stassinopoulous?"

"Yeah. How'd you know?"

Niko's grin would put the Cheshire Cat to shame. "Just lucky I guess."

*********************

Still seated at the table, Louie is desperately trying to avoid eye contact with Cathy when the sound of a funky ringtone startles him. He looks over and notices Katie's phone. Louie picks it up and sees the caller I.D. photo is a 40-ish year old woman under the name "Mom". But there's something familiar about the image, Louie has seen it before. It's like he's seen a famous actress and he's trying to place what movie or TV show she's from. And then it hits him.

"Tracey?"

Louie immediately recalls the story Jeff recounted about having the catching-up conversation with his high school ex-girlfriend Tracey when they were at the reunion. It all falls into place for him. "No way!"

Ashley is standing at the MC podium trying to get through the obligatory parts of any wedding reception. One added agenda item was a special recognition of a relative who was no longer with them to share this special day.

"One very special person in Hilary's life is her grandmother who sadly passed away not long ago." Louie rushes up to Ashley and desperately tries to get her attention. She ignores him and continues on. "Hilary has asked if we could have a moment of silence in remembrance of her grandmother." The room falls silent as Ashley turns to Louie.

"What, Louie? What is so important that it can't wait two minutes?"

Aware of the silence that has overtaken the room, Louie mumbles very quietly. "It's Jeff and Katie. I think..."

Ashely's frustrations are beginning to surface. "I can't hear you!"

Louie tries again only marginally louder. "Katie's mom is Jeff's old..."

"Louie, speak up, I can't hear a word you're saying."

Louie gets right up to Ashley's face which now puts him in range of the open mic on the podium. "Jeff is boning his own daughter!" The words echoed throughout the hall as the guests gasp in unison. Ashley leans into the mic.

"And this concludes our moment of silence.