I'm sure nobody will be shocked to discover that I handily defeated Keisha in our one-on one matchup 18-16. It was never really close. And this presented a good news-bad news scenario for me. The good news is, by winning I kept the team together and was now solely responsible for leading a group of 13 year old girls. The bad news is, by winning, I kept the team together and was now solely responsible for leading a group of 13 year-old girls. Look, they're great kids and I get the sense that they really do want to learn and get better. It's just that Keisha may not have been completely off the mark about their attitudes. It's like they sometimes have a hard time keeping off-the-court issues from showing up on the court.

Jeff paces the sideline during the team's fourth game since he brought Keisha in to join the team. They managed to win two of the three and with a win today will qualify for a huge regional tournament this coming weekend. And from where they were when Jeff was one of their players, earning that spot will feel like an NCCA March Madness Tournament bid.

On the court, Maddie sees a wide open Keisha under the basket, but rather than passing it to her, she takes a tough contested shot that barely grazes the rim and bounces out of bounds.

"Maddie, no! She was wide open!" Jeff turns around, muttering to himself. 'Why will she not pass the ball?"

"Coach," Justine's attempt to get Jeff's attention from the bench draws a quick harsh glare from him. Sorry....Jeff."

Jeff does not want to be called coach. He feels being called coach would make it seem like he's taken on the job permanently and that is something he has outright refused. He's just holding down the fort until their real coach arrives. So by being called Jeff, it keeps that non-committal aspect at the forefront.

"Yes Justine?"

"You know why Maddie never passes to Keisha, right?"

"I have no idea."

"One day after practice a bunch of us went to the mall and Dylan was there. He's a guy that she's majorly crushing on. We're all shipping them huge. Anyway, later on Maddie saw Keisha being all friendly with Dylan and that was it for her."

Jeff processes this for a few seconds before coming to an horrifying realization. "My point guard won't pass to our best forward because she saw her talking to a boy in the mall?"

"Pretty much."

Jeff spins around, looking for the referee. "TIMEOUT!"

The girls gather round.

"Maddie, five times you had Keisha wide open and didn't make the pass. When you see an open teammate under the basket, I don't care if she stole your favorite Backstreet Boys CD, pass her the damn ball."

"What are Backstreet Boys?"

"What's a CD?"

Jeff is incredulous. "Maddie, are you hearing me? Pass the ball!"

"Oh. My. God. If you tell me to pass the ball one more time, I'm literally going to kill myself," Maddie says with full drama-queen flare.

"That might be a bit of an over-reaction," Jeff says.

"Well duh, Einstein. I wasn't really going to do it. I was being ironic."

"No, you were being hyperbolic. It's ironic that you don't know the difference."

Wow. Where did that come from? Clearly, I'm spending too much time around Niko.

***********************************************************

Only after Niko swore on his ability to get an erection that Richard had no money issues or miserly tendencies did Ashley agree to go on yet another setup. But after her previous two experiences, she was going to exercise extreme caution. At first, everything about Richard seems perfectly fine. In his mid to late 40's, Richard had a distinguished attractiveness to him. He was impeccably dressed and was incredibly charming and when he picked the perfect red wine to go with her New York strip steak, Ashley was beginning to regain actual hope. But that's exactly when everything fell apart for her before, she reminded herself.

Still, the night progressed without even the tiniest hiccup. Through their dinner, Ashley learned the following:

Richard is divorced with two teenage children in high school.

He works on Bay Street as a financial analyst

He likes to spend time in the summer on the open water on his 25 foot sailboat.

He loves animals but prefers dogs over cats

He does a wicked Karaoke performance of Come on Eileen including all of the Gaelic parts.

So when he suggests that they go for after dinner drinks to a small club around the corner, Ashley is only too happy to say yes. At the club, they are shown to a cozy table next to the fireplace near the back. She orders a red wine, he orders a scotch and he takes her by the hand.

"I don't want to get way ahead of myself but I really feel this connection with you."

"I think you're pretty great," Ashley says, careful to not get too far ahead of herself.

"I just feel like I don't have to pretend around you. You know, the usual first date bullshit where you try to present this version of yourself that's not real."

"Yeah, I know what you mean," she says.

He stares into her eyes then leans in closer. "How about a widdle kissy-wissy?"

Ashley couldn't decide what was more alarming that he asked for a kiss or the way he did it. Don't freak out, she told herself. It's not a big deal. So she leaned in and gave him a quick peck.

About 30 minutes later, he looks at his watch and yawns. "So late. Wittle-Wichie needs to go beddy-bye."

Ok, what's happening here, Ashley asks herself. Does this guy have some kind of weird baby fetish or is this just his way of trying to get me into bed? Within the next 15 seconds she would have her answer.

"Uh-Oh! Baby made a boom-boom in his diaper."

"That's it, I'm done!" she says as she stands up and marches straight out of the bar.

************************************************************

Late in the second half, Jeff's team trails by one as he stands on the sidelines during a time-out. He scribbles frantically on his clipboard as his team looks on.

"OK Keisha, you're here," he says, marking an "X" on the clipboard. "Now show me where Dylan was when he came up to you in the mall." She rolls her eyes and points to a spot on the clip board to her right. "Right, so he comes in like this and starts talking to you, you didn't initiate the conversation."

"I told her that already. I don't even like him."

"Ok, here's the game plan. Keisha you're going to send him a text telling him that you don't like him in that way. Now Justine, here's where you come in, you're going to strike up a conversation with Dylan at school and suggest he should give Maddie a call."

The girls react like he just suggested she should chew off her own arm at the elbow – equal parts horror and disgust. "Only your parents call you on your phone," Maddie says. "Be like a normal person and Snapchat."

"Ok then," Jeff says as patiently as he can. "Tell Dylan to send Maddie a snap...chat. I guess. Is that cool with everyone, are we good?"

The team nods somewhat reluctantly.

"Okay then, if there are no more beefs to squash, can we please go qualify for the tournament?"

************************************************************

No neighborhood is 100% safe but Jeff and Niko's apartment is located in a part of the city where the most common criminal activity is the illegal downloading of Downton Abbey. Because of this, Niko has never gotten into the habit of locking the door behind him when he comes home. This is such a non-issue it's not something he's actually given a thought to.

Until now.

Sitting on his living room sofa, about to take his first bite of Shanghai Noodles from his favorite Hakka-Chinese place around the corner, his apartment door flies open and Ashley storms in.

"So thanks for THAT!"

"Please, come in."

"What is wrong with you?" Ashley says as both a question and a statement.

"Things with Richard didn't work out? The baby thing didn't do it for you?"

"No, I think the deal-breaker was when he shit his pants and wanted me to change him. Why can't I find a decent, normal guy?"

"Still nobody who can pass the touch test?"

"Not with that parade of losers you've been sending my way. I know this sounds petty but what does it say about me that Louie is in a relationship but I'm not."

"Oh, I wouldn't worry about that. That's over and done with," Niko says matter-of-factly.

"Really, what happened?"

"It may or may not have been something I did."

"Wait, was this the nuclear option?"

Niko gives a little wink.

***************************************************************

TWO DAYS EARLIER...

Niko and Louie are having a beer at the Cedar Room.

"Hey Lou, did you ever resolve that filthy washroom issue at your work?"

"No. I send them memo's but they say it's up to the building management but they aren't doing anything about it."

"That's not right," Niko says. "You have a right to sanitary conditions at your work place. Somebody needs to do something!"

"Well yeah but what can you do?"

Niko appears to be thinking it over. Miraculously, he is struck by a brilliant idea. You know what you could do, just as an easy temporary solution. You could get your company to put disposable paper toilet-seat covers in all the washrooms."

Louie ponders this and begins to nod.

"I mean, it's not a permanent solution," Niko continues. "But it's an easy fix that would provide you guys some immediate peace of mind. They would only need them for the men's rooms because the ladies' rooms are always clean, that's obvious to everyone."

"Yeah, that would be better," Louie says. "I'm going to ask them to do that."

"No, you're going to demand they do that. And the key is to do it when everyone is around so there are witnesses when they have to say yes."

Louie is getting excited about this. "Yes, yes. I will not take no for answer."

"But you need to make sure that they don't cheap out and get any no-name toilet-seat covers. You gotta get the very best."

"What's that?" Louie asks.

"Well, you know how you don't want just any facial tissue, you want Kleenex. And you wouldn't settle for any flying disc, you want a Frisbee. In the same way, you can't settle for any brand of toilet seat cover..."

*******************************************************************

THE FOLLOWING DAY

"I'm sorry, could you say that again? There's no way I heard you right."

To say Louie's boss was baffled would be a bit of an understatement. Louie has always been as much of an odd duck at work as he is around his friends. But even for him, what his boss thought he just heard was beyond bizarre. Especially in a conference room filled with key players on their big project, one of them being Louie's new girlfriend, Sylvia.

"Oh you heard me just fine. I have to insist that the company install Glory Holes in all of the office washrooms," he says proudly. He's met with blank stares and looks of horror. "Well not all of them, just the men's rooms for reasons which should be obvious to everyone."

"Louie. I don't think this is an appropriate suggestion for a workplace," his boss says in a soothing manner, attempting to get Louie to back off this idea before he causes any more embarrassment.

"Look, I know it seems weird at first. God knows they're not something I ever thought I'd want to use but I tried one last night and...wow, what a feeling! To be honest, I don't think I can ever again walk into a men's room that doesn't have Glory Holes."

"Louie, I think you should drop this."

"No, I am not going to drop this. I work hard for this company. I give it everything I've got and I don't think it's too much for when we need those five minutes of private time, an employee can walk into a men's room and enjoy the blissful sensation that only a Glory Hole can provide. You don't believe me? You try it just once and I promise you that we will be Glory Hole buddies for life!"

****************************************************

Ashley struggles to catch her breath. "Why would he possibly believe there are toilet seat covers called Glory Holes?"

"I may have shown him a dummy website with packing and photos of the product," Niko explains. "And it's possible I had a sample made up for him to try."

"How long did that take you?"

The photoshopping and website design hardly took anytime at all. But do you have any idea how hard it is to get a '.gloryhole' domain name that's not already taken? I guess people must really love their toilet seat covers."

"How do you know they broke up over it?"

"Evan came up to me before class today to tell me his mom broke up with her boyfriend. And she can never, ever, ever tell him why," he said with a trace of a proud smile.

Jeff walks through the door and hangs up his coat.

"How did the game go?" Niko asks.

"Once I got Bette Davis and Joan Crawford to pass to each other, great. We qualified for the tournament Saturday."

"That's awesome, congratulations," Ashley says.

"They're actually starting to gel into an actual team. Our game is at 3 if you want to check it out."

"You know what, I just might do that," Ashley says.

***************************************************************

The early stages of Jeff's first tournament game as pseudo-coach are going as well as he could have hoped. The girls are playing as a team: determined and focussed. In fact, the only one not 100% focussed on the game is Jeff himself. Throughout the game he's been casting glances back towards the stands. He is doing this so frequently that the girls on the bench nudge each other and gesture towards him whenever one catches him doing it.

"Coach...? Jeff!" Keisha exclaims, finally snapping Jeff's attention back to the game. "They called timeout. What do you want us to run here?"

"Right." Jeff grabs his clipboard and starts to diagram an inbound play.

"You expecting someone?"

"No, why would you ask that?"

"Some woman seems to be waving at you from the stands," Kiesha smirks.

Jeff looks around and sees that Ashley has made it to the game. He smiles, waving back at her before turning his attention back to his sort-of-coaching. This draws a collection of Ooooohhhh's from the girls.

"Ladies, ladies, calm yourselves. That's Ashley, she's just a friend."

"You sure about that?" Keisha asks.

"Yes," Jeff responds confidently.

"Good thing then because it looks like her smokin' hottie boyfriend just showed up."

This causes Jeff to whip around so fast that he bumbles and drops his clipboard. Frantically scanning the crowd, he sees that the smoking hottie boyfriend is actually Niko, who was late coming in. Jeff exhales deeply.

"That's not her boyfriend, that's my roommate."

I sometimes wonder if those chimpanzees would be better or worse off if they could groom themselves. Yes, they could do it anytime they needed without relying on a partner but...maybe they'd lose something by not having that social bonding. I mean, it would be great if we could see our own shenanigans and address it ourselves but the fact is, we're too close to it to see it objectively. We need an outside perspective to do our emotional social grooming for us. Whether it's to stop fighting a label that so clearly applies...

The team goes back onto the court but Keisha hangs back and leans into Jeff. "Yeah, she's just a friend like you're not really our coach. Take a look. You got me to join the team, you got Allyson to stop dribbling into the corners and you got that hateful witch to pass me the ball. I hate to be the one to break it to you but..."

Wondering as to the cause of the delay, the referee sprints over to the bench. "Hey, Coach!"

"Yeah, that's me," Jeff says without immediately realizing the implication of what he just said.

Of course, there can be times when people misinterpret where we're coming from and draw unfair conclusions from a simple utterance...

Realizing what he just said, Jeff involuntarily blurts out, "Son of a bitch!"

Unfortunately, the referee, convinced that Jeff was talking to him, tosses Jeff from the game.

Or perhaps from a well-intended but grossly misinterpreted speech.

Louie walks down a long hallway eventually coming to a door that reads "Sexual Addiction Counselling."

But more often than not, the perspective of those closest to us is the only way we can see what we need to. To break through the lies, facades, and self delusions we create to protect us from truths we aren't ready to face.

Relegated to watch the rest of the game as a spectator, Jeff takes an empty seat in the stands behind Ashley and Niko.

"What the fuck just happened?" Niko asks.

"I have no idea," Jeff says. He leans in close to Niko and Ashley so they can hear him. "Look, I really wanted to thank you guys for showing up today." To help steady himself, he places his hands on Ashley's shoulders. "It really means a lot to me."

Ashley tries to speak but suddenly finds herself unable to form a sentence "Uh... yea...sure...I..uh."

"Woah, what's happened here? Looks like we lost radio contact with this one," Jeff says.

But one way or another, those facades will crumble when we least want them to. And it can show us that maybe the reason you were set up on a series of loser dates was not to prove that you are shallow and materialistic but that you can't recognize a Prince until somebody shows you a bunch of frogs.

Ashley is mortified that this moment of awakening happened in front of Niko who knows exactly what her reaction meant. When she finally looks over and makes eye contact, he doesn't react with surprise. Instead, he just gives her a knowing wink.

And if you're lucky, it will be exactly what you need.