Okay, in my defence, I did start playing in the men's game. It's just that I was a little further from peak physical condition than I first thought. Turns out that not many teams want a guy who can't get up and down the floor, box out or rebound. I had made peace with the fact that I would not see any more game action for the rest of the night when Justine approached me out of the blue.

EARLIER THAT NIGHT:

Alone on the bench, Jeff sits hanging his head and staring at his shoes when a young voice that snaps him out of his daze.

"Excuse me, sir? Do you want to come play with us?"

Jeff looks up and sees Justine standing in front of him. "What? Me?"

"We're playing in the other gym and we only have four girls who showed up. If we don't have five players, we'll have to forfeit."

"They won't let me play with you, I'm a grown man."

"A lot of us watched you play and the other team is fine with you playing on our team."

If it means a bunch of young girls would get to play a game that night, how could I possibly say no? It was the only honourable thing to do. And if I'm being honest, it was nice to be asked to play on a team. I was certain when I explained this to Ashley and Niko, they would see there is nothing to be embarrassed about.

Back at the apartment, in the immediate aftermath of Jeff's explanations Niko and Ashley are in mid-laughing fit. Genuine, hysterical, doubled-over, can-hardly-breathe laughing.

When Ashley can finally form words, "Let me get this straight, your big return to basketball was against 12-year-olds?"

"Some of them were 13," Jeff says. Which was supposed to make it sound better, but only sent them in to more fits of laughter.

Wait, wait, wait," Niko says, barely able to get out the words. Please tell me you didn't block a kid's shot and then stand over her and say, "Get that weak shit outa here, son!"

"Of course not," Jeff says emphatically.

I really did.

***********************************************************

Two nights later Ashley arrives at a quiet, out of the way Jazz bar and starts scanning the place. She's looking for someone who fits the description of Steve, an old friend of Niko's whom he believes would be a great match with Ashley. She's not sure if she's here to prove a point or because she's hoping there might actually be a connection. Either way, she's going to go through with it.

"Ashley?"

Ashley spins around to see Steve has come in right behind her. He's tall and fairly handsome with a winning smile. Immediately most of her apprehension disappears and she has genuine hope for the first time tonight.

"Hi, Steve. Great to meet you."

They grab a table for two in a back corner more conducive for conversation.

"I have to say, I was a little nervous heading into tonight. This is my first blind date in eons," Ashley says.

"I'm so glad you said that, me too. And to top it off I wasn't sure if I was going to make it here in time.

'You were late getting out of work?" Ashley asks.

"No, I got held up at the soup kitchen. It was crazy in there tonight."

Hearing this, Ashley lights up. "That's so great. I really admire the fact that you volunteer your time there. It's something I always say I'm going to do but never seem to get around to."

"Oh, I don't volunteer there," Steve says without further explanation.

The wheels start turning in Ashley's head. "You're a co-ordinator...social worker?" she says with just a hint of desperate pleading in her voice.

"Nope!"

Before Ashley can dig any deeper, the waiter comes over to take their drink order. Steve take Ashley by the hand, "Hey, I know what you're thinking but you can relax. Order whatever you want, your drink is on me tonight."

"Drinks are on you? That's very kind."

"Drink," he says stressing the singular.

"Of course," Ashley says, sneaking a glance at her watch.

***********************************************************

The Cedar Room is for Niko what the Fortress of Solitude is for Superman. It's more than just a building, or a location, it's a fundamental part of who he is. It's where he drinks, eats, occasionally sleeps, and more than occasionally has sex. It's where he lies about falling in love. It's where he's broken up more engagements and marriages than he can count. But more important than all of that, it's a place where he doesn't have to be Work-Niko.

So as he sits across from Louie and Sylvia, smiling and nodding at some story about how she had such a hard time putting Evan to bed when he was toddler, he's not really listening to what she's saying. His brain is currently occupied, running through a list of non-traceable poisons he'd like to slip in Louie's drink right now. Is Cyanide traceable, he thinks to himself. What about ricin? Was that what Walter White used in Breaking Bad?

Making a mental note to find himself a good ricin guy, he looks up to see Sylvia and Louie staring at him, like they're awaiting a response.

"Well?" Louie asks.

"Come again." Niko says.

"Are you able to tell in class when Evan hasn't had a good night's sleep?" Sylvia asks.

"Oh, yeah. Quite the drowsy little rascal he can be," Niko says as politely as he can through gritted teeth.

"I just think it's great that we can all hang out together," Louie says.

"I never thought I'd be out with my son's teacher having drinks but this is fun," she says.

"Yes. A real delight," Niko says stone faced.

"Oh my God! Isn't that what's-her-name?" Louie says gesturing over Niko's shoulder.

Niko turns around to take a look and then whips back around lightening quick.

"Nope, no, no. I don't believe it is."

"Yes it is. How can you forget her?" Louie turns to Sylvia. "So Niko goes to her place and they start going at it right on the living room floor. They don't even make it to the bedroom when he..."

"No, no, no, no, no. I think you have me confused with someone else," Niko insists.

"What? Come on. So long story short he's sexting her sister while he's doing it with her."

Sylvia can't hide her look of shock and horror.

"I assure you, Louie has his wires crossed," Niko says, almost pleading.

The woman in question comes over and stops at their table. "Hi Niko."

Niko is in hell and he's wearing a wool sweater. "Hey, how are you? You remember Louie and this is Sylvia."

The woman shakes their hands, "Hi, I'm Barb. You guys having a nice time?"

"The best," Niko says. "And yourself?"

"Great, I'm just meeting up with some friends from work. I should go join them. Very nice to meet you two. Great to see you again, Niko."

"You too, thanks for stopping by and saying hi," Barb starts to walk away and Niko exhales with a sigh of relief.

Suddenly Barb stops, turns around and points to Sylvia. "Oh and try not to fuck her sister."

********************************************************

The following week I went back for my second men's league because as humiliating as the experience was, I believe that the only thing to do is get back on that horse...eventually. No one ever said you have to get on the horse right away. Maybe the horse is still in a bad mood, or it's just an asshole and maybe you should wait for another horse. The point is, instead of suiting up and playing that night, I found myself drifting into the other gym to see how the girls were doing in their game.

Jeff settles in to a seat in the bleachers at one end of the gym just as warm-ups are coming to an end. They have the bare minimum of five players so Jeff is happy to remain a spectator for the game.

From her position on the court, Justine catches him out of the corner of her eye and runs over.

"Mr. Dempsey, you came. Are you going to coach us?"

Jeff is taken aback by the question. "No, no. I'm not a coach, I just wanted to see you play."

"Well, enjoy it because we're losing one of the girls and with four players and no coach, we're going to have to fold after this game."

The ref blows the whistle tosses the ball up for the opening tip-off. A smiling mom leans into Jeff. "Which one is yours?"

"None, I used to play on the team," Jeff says. This draws a look of confusion and contempt from the no-longer curious mom.

One thing I noticed about sports-parents is they're super intense and when they yell from the stands, they seem to lose all sense of double entendre. Why is it everything they yell out is begging to be followed with "That's what she said."

"Get it up hard!"

"Watch the backdoor penetration!"

"You have to cradle the balls!"

I don't think that last one was talking about basketball. And I have to admit, even I found it difficult not shouting out from the stands.

"Justine, cheat right!" The ball goes out of bounds near Jeff and Justine comes over to inbound it. Jeff gets up and leans in for a quick word of advice. "Tell Allyson to stop dribbling into the corner. When she does, they trap her and she turns the ball over every time. Also, their point guard can't go left. She keeps selling you on the fake left and then dribbling right. She can only go right so take that way and you'll take her completely out of the game."

"Careful there Mr. Dempsey. You're almost starting to sound like a coach."

****************************************************************

Niko stands at the front of his class in full Work-Niko mode. Wearing a navy blue sweater over a shirt and tie and grey dress pants, he looks like he's dressed up as insurance salesman for Halloween. Of course, for these kids, they only see this version of "Mr. S" as he's known to them. And just as important as not bringing Work-Niko into his social sphere, he is equally as determined to keep regular life Niko out of his professional environment. He takes his job seriously and would almost never let his personal life compromise his professional ethics.

Almost.

The bell sounds and the students start filing out at the end of the day.

"Evan, can you hang back for a minute," Niko says.

The nine-year-old gets teased by his friends but does as he's requested. "Sure thing, Mr. S, what's up?"

"So, I read your social studies report."

"And..."

"It was good. Very well written. Almost too well written. So I decided to put some of it through a plagiarism filter and you'll never guess what I found."

Evan starts to shift uncomfortably on his feet. "Ummmm."

"Yeah, exactly."

"Am I in big trouble?"

"Well that depends, let me ask you this. What do you think of your Mom's new boyfriend?"

Evan is completely confused now. "He's okay, I guess."

"Would you be really upset if they broke up?" Niko asks.

"I don't care. What's going on?"

"You see Evan, plagiarism is a serious offence. It would be unethical of me not to report you to the Principal for further discipline, and almost certainly a suspension. Just as it would be unethical of me to ask you to try to convince your Mom that she shouldn't see that guy anymore."

Evan starts nodding. "I'm listening."

"So the last thing in the world I would do is suggest I could let this go with a clean rewrite and no punishment if somehow you got them to break up."

Evan ponders this for a few seconds and gives Niko a nod.

*******************************************************************

At first glance, Ashley has reason to hope that the second Niko set-up date would go much better than the first. Kevin, late 30's, is dressed in business attire: dress shirt, tie, and black dress pants, and has a very nice smile. They had a quick coffee where no red flags came up. In fact, when she tried to pay for her coffee, he insisted that ladies need not reach for their wallet when out on a date with "The Kev-ster." Referring to one's self as "The Kev-ster" would normally be enough to send her running for the hills, but Ashley appreciated the sentiment and, after the last disaster, had adjusted the bar for what constituted a deal-breaker.

He wouldn't tell her where he was taking her to dinner so she was completely blown away when they arrived at a beautifully elegant restaurant with a private room featuring a sign that read "Happy Silver Anniversary Marty & Paige."

"Okay I hope you don't think this is weird but I thought what better setting to get to know one another than at a happy couple's celebration of love. There's something about being surrounded by family and friends that...I don't know, I just think is awesome," he says bashfully.

Again, a month or two ago and Ashley may very well have been weirded out by this but there was something undeniably sweet in his approach, so she decided to go with it and give it chance.

At a table in the back they shared drinks and were enjoying an amazing roast beef dinner. Kevin was smart, charming, and more than held up his end of the conversation.

"Can I get you another drink?" Kevin offers in his most gentlemanly fashion.

"That would be lovely, thank you," Ashley says. With Kevin at the bar, a woman in her early 50's sits down in the seat beside Ashley.

"Hi, sweetie, are you having a good time?" she asks kindly.

"I really am. This is such a beautiful event and everything is just perfect."

"I'm so happy to hear that. Can I ask how you're connected to the family?"

"Oh, I'm not. I'm here with Kevin," Ashley explains.

The woman makes a face that indicates this does not compute. Now it's Ashley who is confused. She points to Kevin standing at the bar.

"Kevin, over there at the bar. He invited me as his date."

"There's no Kevin on the guest list," she says sternly. Ashley looks towards the bar one more time and sees a panicked Kevin flee the scene as fast as he can. Ashley is mortified and tries to explain further.

"I think there's been a mis-"

"No, I know exactly who you are. You think I don't know about you and Marty?"

"Oh God!"

Now the woman stands up and starts to scream across the room.

"IS THIS HER MARTY? IS THIS YOUR LITTLE WHORE? YOU BROUGHT YOUR WHORE TO OUR ANNIVERSARY PARTY? YOU'VE GOT SOME NERVE.

Ashley sinks in her chair.

***********************************************************

Jeff is out for a walk trying to get his head straight. Feeling torn by two strong forces pulling him in opposite directions, he doesn't know which way to go. On the one hand, he really wants to help out Justine's team. He remembers how much playing the sport meant to him in his youth. In fact, had it not been for his complete emotional breakdown, getting together with his old team would have been the most memorable moment from his high school reunion. The girls team needs a player and he knows of a highly skilled middle school girl without a team.

And herein lies the problem. How does a middle-aged man track down and approach a 13 year-old girl without setting off alarm bells all across the city? And even though his intent is pure, one could even say noble, by helping to keep a girls' basketball team from folding, he is aware that he needs to tread carefully.

He knows her name is Keisha and she goes to a school that doesn't have a girl's basketball team. He could find out what schools in the area don't have girls' teams and cross reference those with any students named Keisha. Of course, even if he were to successfully execute this task, it would place him well into the cyber-stalker zone, a label he was barely able to shed after the Katie incident. And just hanging out outside the school, hoping to run into her is a sure-fire way to end up on a "special list."

Whether intentional or done subconsciously, Jeff realizes that his aimless path was taking him to the neighbourhood park where he shot hoops before. Maybe there's someone that he can shoot around with. This was always his favourite way to take his mind off things when he was a kid. He would spend hours alone on an outdoor court, just shooting his troubles away. Just like Niko, Jeff had his own Fortress of Solitude.

So, nearing the court, Jeff is encouraged by the familiar sound of a ball bouncing against the blacktop and then off a backboard. As he turns the corner in full view of the court, he stops and smiles. Call it fate, call it luck, or call it Deus Ex Machina, but here is Keisha shooting baskets all by herself.

"I have a proposition for you," Jeff says, immediately regretting the phrasing the second he heard it out loud.

"Seriously Dude, you have to turn the creep factor down like seven notches," she says, launching another shot.

"I have an opportunity for you. Do you wanna play on a team this year?"

Keisha stops and thinks about for a few seconds. "No."

"No??? Why wouldn't you want to play?"

"Because I don't generally like other girls my age. They're catty and moody and they like to team up and be mean to other girls."

"I think that's a bit of an over-generalization. I'm sure that's not always the case."

"I don't know what teenage girls were like in the 1940's, but you're way in over your head here."

How old do you think I am?" Before she can answer, Jeff throws out another offer. "How about I play you for it?"

"Play me for what?"

"One game up to 11, win-by-two, winners ball. I win, you come play for the team. You win, you never see me again."

Keisha thinks about it, smiles and bounces him the ball. "Let's do this!"

***********************************************************

Niko is holding court at his usual table in the Cedar Room when Louie comes in with a spring in his step. He pulls up a chair at Niko's table.

"You look you're in a good mood today, is everything okay in your world?" Niko gently probes.

"Things are great now. It was touch and go for a while but everything is cool now."

"What do you mean touch and go?"

"It was the weirdest thing, all of sudden the kid starts making this fuss like she's spending too much time with me and he doesn't like the fact that we're dating. He was being a real prick about it."

"And that didn't cause her to end it with you?"

"It almost did. But I figured I'd just buy him off. Cost me a new iPhone and a semi-automatic paintball gun but after that, we were best friends again."

"That's just great."

Niko would have pressed further but a voice coming from behind him brings the other conversation to a screeching halt. "What. The. Fucking. Fuck!?!"

Niko doesn't have to turn around to see who it is or inquire what it's about. "How was your date with Kevin?"

Ashley sits down across from him, lasers shooting from her eyes. "You mean 'The Kev-ster?' It was fantastic. I can't decide if my favourite part was unknowingly crashing a 25th Anniversary dinner, being publicly accused of being the guest of honour's 'little whore' or watching my date flee the scene when it all went down."

"Yeah, he does that," Niko says casually. "He's a free-foodie. He prides himself on finding the best free meals in town. Great guy though."

"I know what you're trying to do. You're setting me up with these broke-ass losers trying to prove a point. But you're not going to define me with your little games."

"You want real candidate, great career, well-off, likes to spoil his dates? Ok, let me do one last one. I promise this guy is not a broke-ass loser.

Ashley stews but doesn't respond. Then finally, "I'll think about it."

Louie sees Sylvia arrive at the bar and goes to greet her. Ashley makes a face as she sees them laugh and kiss.

"How are they still together?"

"I'm asking myself that very same question."

"Well what can you do?" Ashley asks rhetorically.

"I've given some thought to that," Niko says. "And I was really hoping it wouldn't come this but, it looks like he's left me no choice."

"What are you talking about?"

"The nuclear option," Niko says solemnly.