Three months have passed since Jeff's near death experience at Hillary's wedding and, aside from the occasional uncomfortably long hug from an aunt at family gatherings, he hasn't had any more incestuous close calls since he broke up with Katie. For most people, this would not be noteworthy. Not having intimate relations with a blood relative is really something one pretty much takes as a given. It's not like you're going to see anything like those occupational workplace safety signs that say "271 days without first cousin groping." But the Katie scare shook him to his core and so he claims his victories where he can. 

This could also explain why he hasn't been out there on the dating scene. It's not like he's abandoned the quest to become the new Jeff Dempsey, it's just taken different forms. For a while he began every day with 45 minutes of transcendental Yoga. This led to an important moment of enlightenment. The new Jeff Dempsey, like the old one, thinks yoga is stupid and pointless.  He reached similar conclusions about origami, aquasize, and calligraphy. Although in fairness, he still thinks calligraphy is cool, he just sucks at it.

The one constant through the journey so far though has been the vlogging. No matter how unsuccessful these attempts at transformative change turned out, he feels at ease sitting in front of his webcam and sharing them. And perhaps even more surprising is that people seem to be listening. Jeff doesn't have a huge following but he does have a loyal one. There is the woman in Georgia who said Jeff's high school reunion moment of clarity gave her inspiration in finding a new direction in her own life. And for some reason, Jeff's comic misadventures seem to do very well in the Philippines. What Jeff is beginning to see is that regardless of where we're from or whatever cultural biases we've grown up with, deep down we can all relate to a universal human experience. And it seems the more humiliating the experience, the more relatable it is.

So as Jeff sits down and turns on the webcam, absent is any of the trepidation that once gave him pause. He follows what has now become his pre-vlogg ritual of gathering himself for a moment, taking a deep breath, exhaling and launching into it.

"One of my favorite things to watch on the nature channel is when chimpanzees pick nits and bugs off each other. They call this practice social grooming. I'm fascinated by how accepting these creatures are, it's like they have no personal space hang-ups. I once picked a piece of lint of a co-worker's blouse and had to explain the incident to HR. But the chimpanzees accept it because it's simply not possible to do it for themselves. It occurred to me that humans do this too, it's just that our 'social grooming' occurs with personal issues and baggage. We can easily spot delusion and self-deception in others but never in ourselves. Like those chimps in the wild, it's up to those closest in our social group to make us aware of these issues in a careful and tactful manner."

*****************************************************

"Shenanigans!" Niko cries out, nearly spitting his orange juice across the table. It's their Sunday brunch ritual at Jeff and Niko's apartment and this spit take has left Ashley as grossed out as Louie is offended.

"Why would you say that?" Louie says, barely able to disguise his hurt feelings. "Is it really so hard to believe?"

"That a beautiful, intelligent, and successful woman at your work is throwing herself at you? – Yeah, kind of. No offense."

"How else can I possibly take it?"

"Wait, I don't understand," Ashley says. Before she can say anything else, Louie jumps in.

"We have a new consultant working out of our office and Niko doesn't believe me when I say that she is coming up to me at work and dropping serious hints that we should... you know, get together."

"No, I get why that's preposterous...no offense." Louie throws up his hands in righteous indignation as Ashley powers on. "But why would Niko use the phrase Shenanigans?"

"I think I can explain," Jeff chimes in.

One of the most important part of any friendship between guys is calling each other out on their bullshit.

Jeff rattles through a few examples from his youth to underscore his point.

A 10-year-old Jeff and Niko are walking to catch the school bus with their book bags slung over their shoulder.

"The coach begged me to play pee-wee elite hockey this year but I decided to play house league because they'd be terrible without me," young Jeff declares.

"Bullshit," Niko says immediately.

Jump ahead to their high school and the boys are eating lunch in the Holy Trinity cafeteria.

Niko scans the room and a smile creeps across his face. "Do you realize I've slept with half the female teachers at this school."

"Bullshit!"

Technically I was right. He had only slept with a third of them. But that last time Sister Mariana overheard me and chewed us both out for using foul language in such a Holy place. She said if she ever caught us up to such shenanigans again, she'd send us to the principal's office and we'd be suspended for a week. So ever since then, just to be safe, we said shenanigans instead of bullshit. Even after we got out of school, it was our thing and we stuck with it.

"Well you can call shenanigans all you want but I'm telling you, it's true. Why would I make that up?" Of course the question was mean to be rhetorical but the opening was too great for the rest of the group not to jump in.

"Delusions of grandeur," Niko says.

"Pathetic plea for attention," Ashley follows.

"Desperate cry for help," Jeff adds.

"Can we talk about someone else," Louie pleads in a desperate attempt to get the spotlight off himself. "What about Jeff here? I haven't seen him do any great new adventures lately."

"Cut him some slack," Ashley says as she holds up a white card with some indecipherable markings on it. "He's obviously been studying Chinese iconography. What does this say?" 

Jeff sighs and drops his shoulders. "It says Ashley. It's written in English."

"Wow, you really do suck at calligraphy," she says in near disbelief.

"That's coming from my life coach. Imagine where my self-esteem would be if I didn't have this top rate support team around me," Jeff says.

It's possible Jeff struck a nerve with Ashley as her tone completely changes and she shifts into full professional life coach mode.

"You want some real talk? Okay here it is. You've been awakened to the possibility that you can do anything you want. But the burden that comes with that is deciding what it is you really want. When you thought your life was going nowhere, you never had to give this any thought."

"I've been trying new things," Jeff protests.

"You've been throwing darts at hobbies on a dartboard as a substitute for real introspection."

"Okay so what should I do?"

"Instead of trying to find a new passion, why not reconnect with something you used to love but don't do anymore. What's the one thing the young Jeff Dempsey could do that the new one would love to do again?"

"Maintain an erection," Niko says.

"No," Jeff says instinctively. "Well...no, no..."

"Close your eyes. Think back to your adolescence, you're alone, what did you love to do?"

Both Niko and Louie practically jump out of their chairs dying to say something but Ashley cuts them off. "As God is my witness, if the next thing out of your mouth is a euphemism for masturbation, I'm going to punch you both right in the dick."

They both freeze, then quietly return to their chairs, looking down and saying nothing. Ashley turns her attention back to Jeff. "Become young Jeff in your mind. What is your greatest passion?"

Jeff does as he's instructed, closes his eyes and begins to visualize his younger self. After no more than 10 seconds his eyes pop open like he's had some kind of epiphany.

"Basketball," he says as a simple declaration. "I miss playing basketball."

"Then you know what you have to do," Ashley says.

"Not to throw cold water on this but dude, when was the last time you picked up a basketball?" Louie asks cautiously.

"I don't know, 15, maybe 20 years." Niko and Louie exchange a look that does not go unnoticed by Jeff. "What? I still got mad skills."

"Okay, no middle aged white guy can ever use the term "got mad skills" to describe himself," Niko says. "Never, ever, ever, and I mean ever."

"All I'm saying is if I joined the local men's league I could average double figures in points and rebounds," Jeff says confidently.

"Shenanigans," Niko states emphatically.

"Please, you couldn't get a double-double if you went through a Tim Horton's drive thru," Louie says.

"I guess we'll see," Jeff says.

*****************************************************

At the Cedar Room, Niko brings a fresh round of beers and places a pint in front of Louie and sits down across from him. "I thought you were supposed be out tonight with this mystery woman that can't keep her hands off you," Niko says with just a tad too much condescension for Louie's liking.

"If you must know, I'm having drinks with her here."

Niko gestures to the empty chair beside Louie and leans in across the table. "Is she with us right now?" Niko whispers. He turns towards the empty chair. "It's really nice to meet you. Louie's told us so much about you."

"I'm meeting her here at seven, ass-clown!"

"Then why are you here so early?" Niko asks.

"I came here to use the washroom. I couldn't go at the office, the men's room stalls there are disgusting."

"You could always go at home," Niko says.

"Are you crazy? I'm not going to do that in my own house, I have to live there."

"You're an odd little creature, aren't you," Niko says with a renewed fascination about the inner workings of Louie's mind. Louie ignores him and gestures with his head to the other side of the bar. "What's going on over there?"

Niko turns around to see Ashley at a table for two with a guy. He's talking and she's laughing, there's a very strong date vibe. They both stand up and start putting on their coats. It's clear the evening is coming to an end for them.

"I guess we'll find out soon," Niko says.

Ashley and her guy hug goodbye and she spots Niko and Louie watching them. She sighs and goes over to get the grilling over with.

"Hot date tonight," Louie says as she joins them at their table.

"He just left alone at 9:30 so it couldn't have been too hot," Niko offers.

"It was fine, I wasn't really feeling it," she says.

"What's his story?" Niko asks.

"He's a writer who works as a barista to pay the bills. He was nice enough, but...he didn't pass the touch test."

"You gave him a handie?" Louie asks earnestly.

Ashley just glares at him with a 'what is wrong with you' look. She turns back to Niko. "When I was in middle school, the first boy I really fell for was Darren Myles. When I would see him, my heart would actually skip a beat. One day in art class he came up behind to ask if he could borrow a paint brush and he touched my arm when he talked to me. I couldn't form words. It was like you would see in a movie when the love-struck character tries to speak but all that comes out is nonsense. It was that except in real life. And ever since then, that's how I know when I'm really into someone."

"And that's when you give them the handie?" Louie asks. Before she can respond, Louie jumps up out of his chair. "There she is."

Niko and Ashley look towards to the front doorway to see a very attractive blonde in her late 30's wave at Louie.

"Wow, she is quite attractive," Ashley says.

"You have to break up with her right now," Niko says matter-of-factly.

*****************************************************

Jeff arrives at the outdoor basketball court near his apartment looking like he stepped right out of the Hot Tub Time Machine. Working from the ground up, he's wearing his ancient beat up Air Jordans that he wore when he played high school basketball. Those would be where the eye is immediately drawn had it not been for the Adidas short shorts that went out of basketball style in the early 1990's. The length of the shorts means all of Jeff's pasty white chicken legs are on full display. And yet the biggest sports fashion crime just might be combining a Larry Bird Celtics jersey with his James Worthy goggles. Anyone who watched basketball in the 1980's knows this is a cardinal sin for which there is no repentance.

Jeff had hoped to have the court by himself but, to his disappointment, a 13-year-old girl is practicing left-handed layups. She tries to take it directly to the hoop but it hits back rim and bounces out.

"You should use the backboard. The backboard is your friend," Jeff offers in a friendly way.

"Do you usually approach young girls in the park or is this a special occasion?" she asks while taking a jump shot.

Jeff is stunned. He tries to stammer out an answer but cannot. No, uh, I..."

"Chill dude, I'm messing with you. You can shoot around."

Jeff cautiously approaches and squares up for a shot. His form is pretty good but as he lets it go, he lets out a scream/moan that must be what a moose sounds like when giving birth. The pain shooting through his upper body distracts him from the fact his first shot in 20 years fell two feet short of the rim.

"Been awhile?" 

"Just a bit," Jeff says preparing for another shot. The girl dribbles in and stops on a dime, pivots and launches a fade away that's a perfect swish. Jeff is impressed. "You play on your school team?"

"My school doesn't have a team. I come here when I just want to get away from things."

"I'm Jeff."

"Keisha. You wanna play some one on one?"

"You against me? Really?"

"Unless you got a better way of playing one on one."

Jeff nods and bounces the ball to Keisha. "You can have first ball."

Keisha checks the ball as Jeff gets in a half-hearted defensive stance. He's almost two feet taller than his opponent and can't see how she'll be able to shoot over him or rebound. Keisha starts dribbling to her right and then flashes a varsity high school worthy cross-over dribble and breaks hard to her left. The move almost spins Jeff into the ground as she breaks in alone for an easy left-handed layup off the backboard. "1-0. And you're right, by the way, turns out the backboard is my friend."

Jeff stands there slack-jawed, still unsure of what just happened. "Shit!"

*****************************************************

Louie returns to the table with two drinks while his date, Sylvia freshens up in the washroom. This gives Louie just enough time to ask Niko the $64,000 question. "Why do I have to break up with her?"

"She's the mom of one of my students," Niko explains. Louie and Ashley stare at him, waiting for the rest of the explanation. Alas, there is none forthcoming.

"You want me to break up with her because her kid is in your class?"

"Yes, exactly! Thank you."

"I think you're going to have to give us more than that," Ashley says.

"I am a grade school teacher and as such, I have to carry myself with a certain decorum and professionalism. And I'm happy to do that Monday through Friday for 41 weeks out of the year. The rest of the time, I gotta be me. And I can't do that if a school parent is part of my social circle."

"Oh come on, you're making a big deal out of nothing," Ashley insists.

"Think back to your favorite teachers, how do you picture them? Respectable? Upstanding? Societal role models?" Ashley and Louie nod in general agreement. "Wrong! Teachers, when not in teacher mode, are pretty much drunken womanizers, harlots, problem gamblers, or overall degenerates. And they're able to enjoy that lifestyle because they respect the Chinese wall between their professional and personal lives. When the Chinese wall is broken, chaos ensues."

Sylvia makes her way over and Louie stands up to introduce her. "Sylvia, this Ashley and Niko."

She greets Ashley warmly and pauses as she shakes Niko's hands. "I know you, you're my son's teacher."

Niko gives an Oscar-worthy performance that this is such a delightful surprise. "No way! Is that true?"

"Yes. Evan Bartlett.".

"Evan, of course. What a great kid. Such a pleasure."

Sylvia looks at her drink and makes a face. "Oh dear, they forgot my twist of lime. I'll be right back."

"See, it's not weird," Louie says once she's out of earshot. "You think her kid is great."

"Please! Evan's an asshole! Break up with her immediately."

*****************************************************

Three nights later, Niko is surprised to hear a knock on his apartment door. He opens it to find Ashley standing in his doorway.

"I'm really sorry to just pop by but I can't find my sunglasses and I thought maybe I left them here after Sunday brunch."

Niko walks over to the kitchen counter and retrieves a pair of woman's sunglasses. He holds them up. Ashley cannot hide her joy and relief. "Oh thank God, I though I lost them for good. A few silent moments pass. "Where's Jeff tonight?"

"He just stepped in the shower. Had his first basketball game tonight," Niko says. "How about you, did you go out with barista-writer guy again?"

"Nah, I don't think he's the one." Niko can't hide the sly smile appearing on his face. "What! What is it?" Ashley asks.

"I think I know why he's not the one."

"Go ahead, let's hear it."

"I think the reason you don't feel it for writer-barista guy is due to his lack of earning potential, deep down you know he represents a poor candidate to provide for you and your future children."

"Nice theory, Professor. But that's not the way either I or the rest of my gender operate in 2017."

"So all that matters is that he's a nice guy, who is funny and treats you well?"

Ashley senses a trap coming, but there's no backing down. "Yes." "Great, I'll set you up. Now that I know money's not an issue for you, there's all kinds of guys you should meet."

"Okay...great."

"Who's getting set up?" Jeff emerges from his room, his hair still wet from his shower.

"How was basketball?" Ashley asks, eager to change the subject.

"It was amazing. 26 points, 14 rebounds and eight blocks. So close to a triple double."

"Wow, really?" Niko is not intending to call Jeff a liar but the way he asks makes it obvious this is very hard for him to believe.

Yes, really. Those number are all the God's honest truth. So I thought I'd run them through some of the highlights.

"...knocked my opponent to the ground, grabbed the rebound for the easy put-back..."

"...drove the lane and went left hand off the glass..."

"...ran down someone on a fast break and just when they though they had an easy layup, WHAM, I blocked it into the fourth row. Get that weak shit outta here son!"

Jeff's recap is interrupted by the second surprise knock on the door. This time Niko opens the door to find Justine, a young girl holding up Jeff's goggles. "Hey Mr. Dempsey, you forgot your goggles at the gym. They have your address written on the strap."

Jeff rushes over and snatches them out of her hand. It's like he can't send her away fast enough. As he's shoving her out the door...

"Thanks again for playing on our team tonight. We never have enough girls show up and we would have had to forfeit without you."

"Yeah, sure. No problem." Jeff is able to get her out the door and quickly closes it. He stands facing the door for a few seconds, dreading the moment he has to turn around. He finally does and sees Niko and Ashley both with their arms folded and looking at him in an accusatory manner.

Niko finally breaks the silence. "I think the word you're looking for is...busted."