Back in the safety of their apartment, the gravity of Jeff's situation is beginning to settle in with him. Someone showing dogged persistence is endearing, even admirable. However, just millimeters beyond dogged persistence is where Jeff now resides – certified cyberstalker. And even a technophobe like him can see that's a hard place to come back from. These are the thoughts that consume him as paces the living room floor as a bemused Niko looks on.

"I have to do something," Jeff finally blurts out.

"You have to do nothing. You won't last ten minutes out there until you learn the secret to dating younger women."

Jeff stops pacing.

"Do not come off as needy. This is an absolute. It must be obeyed. Like never feeding Gremlins after midnight."

Jeff's cellphone beeps, he looks and his face lights up.

"I kind of feel like that ship has sai-" the buzzing of his cellphone stops him mid-sentence. He eagerly fishes the phone out his pants pocket."It's Katie."

Niko lunges and grabs the cell phone out of Jeff's hand. "It's time for lesson number one of the do-not-be-needy playbook. Wait one hour before replying to texts, unless it's a weekend night in which case don't text back until the next day."

"That's crazy."

"If you're dating a 38 year-old, it's okay to respond right away. But a 21 year-old reacts to desperation like a Gremlin reacts to water."

"What's with th-"

"It was on the movie channel last night. Phoebe Cates."

"Nice!"

*********************

Later that night in Ashley's condo, she finds herself on the edge of her sofa with a perplexed look on her face. "You want my advice?" she asks in complete disbelief.

The question is neither rhetorical nor to herself. She is geniuinely interested in the reason Niko has come to her in search of life advice. There are several things she would have considered more likely happeneing to her that night. Included in that list are a polar bear attack, being serenaded by Justin Beiber, and being serenated in a duet by Justin Beiber and a polar bear.

"It's my little cousin," Niko offers. "She has a history of going from one bad boy to the next and she keeps getting her heart broken. I just wish I could help her."

Ashley figures this story sounds fairly plausible so she's ready to proceed with caution.

"Women with self esteem issues look for the shortest route to validation. That almost always means sex. You have to tell your cousin that she needs to take it slow and find her validation out of the little parts of building the relationship. I'll often tell my clients - when it comes to the bad boys, if you give in to the heat, you'll end up getting burned."

"Such great, great advice. But won't these guys try to work around that?

"Probably."

"How specifically would they go about working around that. You know, just so I can inform her." As non-chalantly as he can, Niko pulls and notepad and a pen out of his jacket pocket.

"Well, the smart ones will find a way to undermine her self esteem. Find little ways to make her insecure thus driving up her need for instant validation."

Niko starts jotting this down. "Oh that's great. Really good stuff."

Ashley shoots him a concerned look.

"Good stuff to help my cousin," he quickly clarifies. "Keep going."

*********************

So while Niko was building his own playbook, I was out with Katie and a few of her friends. Luckily I was able to convince her I'm not a cyber stalker and so I agreed to meet some of her friends at one of their favorite hang-outs. I sill had Niko's words in head on his don't-come-off-as-needy strategy.

"If you're out with a younger woman at the bar, leave her for 30 minute stretches of time to flirt with other girls. If she sees three or more girls laughing along with you, you score bonus points."

At a break in the group conversation at the table, Jeff excuses himself from the table and steps away from Katie and her friends. He scans the bar and sees another table of young women just across the bar.Their laughter and table full of empty drink glasses lead Jeff to conclude they are an excellent target for the next part of his plan. He goes over and approaches an attractive brunette.

"So what's the worst opening line someone's used on you?"

The brunette looks him up and down with contempt.

"That one."

Jeff peaks over his shoulder and catches Katie looking at him. Jeff breaks out into an over-the-top fake laugh.

Jeff hoped the next attempt would prove to be less humiliating. It was not. In fact, it seemed to get worse with each unsuccessful attempt to impress a table full of young women. Among his ill-conceived tactics included card tricks, doing the robot, and a mediocre Austin Powers impression. In the process, he lost track of both time and his date for the night. When Jeff goes back to Katie's table. He finds she isn't there anymore.

I learned two things that night. One – there's a shelf life to the adorableness of the phrase "Do I make you horny, baby."

Katie's friend simply points towards the door.

And when it comes to playing the dating games, sometimes you can be too clever for your own good.

*********************

Niko and Tanya are alone again in the apartment but this time, Niko's not putting on the full court press.

"I really appreciate that you're willing to take it slow. You're not like the rest of the guys."

"Yeah a lot of my friends are hung up on women with like perfect bodies but I'd rather be with someone like you."

The off-hand comment was like a surgical strike that hits its mark. Tanya is clearly insulted and motivated to rebut.

"I have a great body!"

"No, of course. What's great about it is that it's real. It's not one of those perfect lingerie model bodies. It's your imperfections that make you perfect just the way you are." His last few words hang in the air with their condescending and patronizing putrid stench.

"Imperfections?!? Are you kidding me? I work out every day and do yoga three times a week. I defy you to find one single imperfection on this body."

Tanya stands up and starts unbuttoning her top. She only gets two buttons in when Jeff comes barreling through the apartment door bringing her to a sudden halt.

"Your plan didn't work!"

Niko collapses back on the sofa in agony. "You're got to be kidding me!"

Once again, Tanya senses the mood is ruined and quickly excuses herself. She is out of the apartment in a flash.

"Any other brilliant ideas?" Jeff offers, still oblivious to what he has done.

Niko gives it a few second's thought. "We could always go French Renaissance on her ass."

*********************

Miraculously, Jeff was able to convince Katie to join him for a quiet, let-me-make-it-up-to-you date at a Nuit Blanche, a fancy French restaurant. Jeff and Katie are bathed in candlelight as they raise a glass in a toast.

"This is really nice," she says. "I have to say, you had me worried after the other night."

"Yeah, that was not one of my finer moments. But if you think about it, it was kinda your fault."

"Really? And why is that?"

Jeff pauses for a moment.

"Because in every man's heart there is a secret nerve that answers to the vibrations of beauty."

"Yes I was that smooth. Though to be fair, I had a little help. Niko's idea to go French Renaissance involved launching a plan we called "Operation Cyrano."

The dimly lit setting is no accident. It was chosen so it would be easier for Niko to remain unnoticed as he sat within earshot of their conversation. Specifically, he is seated behind a post next to their table but out of her eye line. Niko feeding Jeff lines on the instant messaging program on his smartphone. Jeff is listening to the robotic voice reading his text messages through a tiny Bluetooth earbud which Katie has yet to notice.

Just like in the play, it was a huge success. I was going with whatever Niko was feeding me and it all worked beautifully. And the reason it worked in the play was because Cyrano was giving Christian and Roxanne his undivided attention. What Cyrano was not doing was sexting with the hot blonde he was trying to bang.

"My mom wants to come visit soon but I'm not sure how I feel about that," Katie explains. "Sometimes she can be difficult to be around."

Niko sees a message come through from Tanya It reads "I'm feeling a little naughty right now." This excites Niko so much, he ends up dropping the phone and when he picks it up, he doesn't realize he's switched chat conversations. He starts typing.

Because the plan has worked so well this far, Jeff decides to trust whatever Niko sends him. Which is why his response to Katie is...

"Such a dirty girl!"

Katie is a bit confused. Jeff presses on.

"Sounds like someone is in desperate need of a good spanking."

Katie is really thrown by this.

"What?!?"

"You know what I'm going to do with that dirty girl? I'm going to bend her over..."

Let's just say the completion of that thought was not exactly restaurant appropriate.

Katie stands up and steps up to a cowering Jeff.

"Don't call me ever again!"

She storms off and Jeff peaks around the corner to glare at a contrite Niko who offers a 'mea culpa' shrug. Jeff's cellphone beeps with one more message.

Sux 2 B U.