She was all I could think about. It didn't matter if I continued to not talk to her in French or lunch. Or how many times I ignored her after school or didn't text her back. It was like Estella and I moved from making out and coming to terms with our feelings for each other one day to completing dismissing each other the next.

        Then again, there was only one person to blame.

        A part of me wanted to say my father, but I knew better. I was the one ruining things between me and Estella.

        The more distance I put between us, the more I wanted to get closer. I groaned, forgetting I was currently on FaceTime with Ximena.

        "What's wrong with you?" she asked with a funny look directed at me.

        "Nothing." I stared past the phone.

        "That look means it is something," she said. "What's up?"

        "Don't worry about it, Ximena."

        "That's the thing." She wagged a finger at me. "When you tell people not to worry, that's when they should worry. When you push people away, that's when you want them to get even closer. Your actions hardly match up with what you want."

        When did Ximena start paying attention to who I was as a person? When did her interest move past my dick?

        "I can say the same about you," I said.

        "I know," she said. "I purposely don't go after the things I really want because I know they're bad for me."

        Bad for her? More like she was afraid of them.

        "Ximena..."

        "This isn't about me," she said. "What's going on with you?"

        I bit my lip as I thought about it. Estella. My dad. Genevieve. Murder. How could my juvenile desires compare to these things?

        "I kissed Estella," I blurted out.

        Ximena appeared taken aback, but then she smirked. "You finally hooked up with someone other than me? I'm impressed."

        "What?"

        That wasn't the response I was expecting.

        "Jax," she said with a chuckle. "I know we're dating and all but that doesn't mean we can't have fun with other people. I thought we already established this?"

        It was a mutual agreement, but we hardly talked about it.

        "Yeah, I guess."

        "So." She adjusted herself on her bed and focused on me. "I'm not too surprised it's Estella, but tell me what happened."

        I told her everything that happened, except for the part about my father being a murderer. Everything else was game, and when I was finished, she knitted her brows together.

        "Wait." She thought about it for a second. "So why are you avoiding Estella again?"

        "I can't tell you," I said. "Something bad happened a couple years ago, and it prevents me and Estella from being together.

        Ximena sent me a look. "I call bullshit."

        "Why?"

        "Jax," she said with her voice calm and nurturing, "if you really want to be with someone, nothing can get in the way of that. Not even death."

        Funny she would say that...

        "Now, I call bullshit," I said. "If that's the case, then why are you with me? Why are we so nonchalant with each other?"

        "Because we're both too afraid to be in a legitimate relationship," she said. "I don't want to date anyone, and I even struggle with dating you, but you're the best bet. You're a little bearable. I get sex from you, and nothing's expected of me."

        I guess that went for me, too. Ximena didn't expect much, and at least the sex was good. I never realized this, but what Ximena and I had was very comforting, and it felt natural. It didn't require much thought or effort.

        "Maybe this big bad occurrence from the past isn't the problem," Ximena said. "Maybe you just don't want to date Estella, and whatever this secret is, it's a perfect excuse not to date her."

        I liked Estella, but I didn't know if I wanted to be with her. Everything about her brought me out of my comfort zone. She would get too close, and a part of me liked it. She would pry too much and a part of me wanted her to dig even deeper. She made me feel a way I hadn't felt in a long time, and it made me want to touch her more and allow her to see more of me.

        I said this, but I knew better. We couldn't be together. Liking her wasn't enough.

        "I don't want to date anyone, Jax," Ximena said, "and you don't want to date anyone either. That's why we're so perfect for each other. I like Estella, and she seems nice, but even she can't break through that sad fact."

        "I'm not damaged," I muttered.

        Ximena smiled. "You're only damaged when you admit you are. If you don't like it, never admit a thing. No matter how many people tell you otherwise."

        I began to grab my things. "I have to go."

        "Jax—"

        I hung up before she could finish, and I was out the door in less than five minutes. I texted Estella for her to get ready because I was on my way to pick her up. I didn't care if she hated me and didn't want anything to do with me, I had to see her.

Thirty minutes later, we stopped at QT and got some food and drinks, which I was grateful for since we had spent a majority of the ride in silence. At least now, we had an excuse for not talking to each other. I drove around Creek Rowe, not having a destination in mind, but I wanted to see her. I finished my food pretty fast, and she was finishing the last of her hot dog.

        "Let's go to the beach," she said, breaking the silence. "It's beautiful at night, and it'll be a great place to park."

        "Okay." I began the drive to the beach as the silence ensued. When I couldn't take it anymore, I shook my head. "I know you're mad at me."

        "No," she said with her eyes forward. "I don't want to care. I don't want to care about you or what you do."

        My grip tightened on the wheel as her words stung me. I would rather have her hate me than have her not care. Not caring meant I was nothing to her.

        "I don't want to care because you obviously don't care." She finally looked at me, and her expression dug the knife deeper. It was soulless and nothing like the Estella I knew.

        This is why she couldn't be with me. I was too dark for her.

        I snuck peeks her way. "Estella..."

        "Daddy is currently out on a date," she said, "with Janice. It's a big deal because after my mom's death, he didn't want to date again." My breathing became shallower. "In his weird mind, he thought it was cheating and disloyal, even though she was dead. He always tells me it was all for my well-being, but I know better. He wasn't ready, not me. I was just his excuse." I parked, and we overlooked the beach before us. "Now, he's on a date with Janice. It took ten years, but he did it." She glanced at me. "I'm glad because I'm no one's excuse." Her expression dropped. "Not Daddy's. Not yours."

        I cleared my throat. "My excuse for w-what?"

        She turned in her seat to face me with her features stern. "Whatever's causing you to act this way, it has nothing to do with me. At least, the root cause doesn't. Someone once said, not everything is about me, and they're right. This is all on you, Jax."

       "You don't understand, Estella." It was my turn to face her. "You don't know what's going on."

        "And you won't let me understand," she said. "Instead, you push me away, like you do to everyone else."

        I wish I didn't know. I didn't want to know anymore. I could have lived my whole life not knowing what my father did. What he did to Estella and her family. I wanted nothing more than blissful ignorance.

        Estella scoffed. "I don't know why I'm here giving you the time of night. Spending time with you, eating, talking. It's all pointless because nothing'll come from it. You've already made up your mind, so I don't know why I'm here with you, when it'll only make me like you more."

        We stared at each other, and my lips curled up at the corners. "You still like me?"

        She rolled her eyes. "It doesn't matter."

        I leaned in. "Yes, it does." I never broke our stare. "I like you liking me."

        It made me feel something I wasn't used to feeling—joy and hope.

        "You're sick," she said with gritted teeth. "You like me liking you, even though you explicitly said that we can't be together. How selfish can you be, Jax?"

        "I'm selfish," I stated as I gently grabbed both of her arms. "I'm selfish because I want you around, even though I know I can't have you."

        "Leave Ximena." She moved closer. "You can have me if you just break up with Ximena and tell me what's bothering you."

        I released her. "I can't give you what you want."

        "That should be my choice." She made me look at her. "I should choose what I want and who I want to be with, not you. Not anyone else."

        "You don't know everything."

       "That's it." Estella placed her things down and opened the passenger door. "I'm done with your games."

       "Estella!" I shouted as she got out of the car, and I followed her.

        She marched onto the beach with me right behind her. "I'm done with this push-pull bullshit you have going on." I spun her around to face me, and she glared up at me. "Either you want to be with me or you don't."

        "It's not that simple," I said while raking my fingers through my hair.

        "Yes, it is!" She got on the tip of her toes. "You're the one making it complicated." I couldn't maintain eye contact anymore. She was quiet for a second with only the wind blowing in the background. Then she spoke. "Why do you do this to yourself?" I finally met her gaze. "Why do you always go for the girls you can't have?" I tilted my head in confusion. "Sabrina seems like the definition of emotionally unavailable. I don't know her, but that's what I can infer from what I see."

        I chuckled at how accurate that was. Sabrina wasn't close to a lot of people, but even the ones she was close to, there always seemed to be this barrier with her. You could never come too close.

        "Ximena is so distant and emotionally cold with you," she went on. "Everything seems so superficial with her. Then again, maybe that's what you like. Superficial relationships." I ran my hands down my face, feeling restless all of a sudden. "Why won't you allow yourself to be with girls who could actually care about you?"

        I opened my mouth, but I couldn't say a word. I didn't know what to say. "Estella..." I could only utter her name.

        "I do care," Estella said, taking a step towards me. "I don't want to, but I do, and I will continue to care. I like the guy you show me. The guy who's sweet and swipes my apple juice and can also be my French buddy. The guy who would cook with me and teach me how to do laundry and watch amazing movies with me. I want to know the Jax who can take me to his house, and show me all of him, without filtering out the less than pleasant parts. I'm not afraid of the obnoxious Iago." I wanted to put some distance between us, but I fought the urge. I could only focus on her. "But I want to see deeper than the loner from Brice's crew who happens to be in hip-hop company."

        "I can't—"

        "I'm not Sabrina or Ximena," she said. "I'm not going to shut you out. I'll let you in, and I don't have a light. I'm not some delicate flower either. I'm a person, and you're either intrigued enough by this person to hold on or you let go." I was speechless once more, and Estella continued to wait for a response. When I refused to give it to her, she shook her head. "I'm done with this."

        She turned around to leave, but I grabbed her arm and turned her around once more. Before she could protest, I silenced her with my lips. I wrapped my arms around her as she stiffened, and I moved my lips against hers. She was still at first, but after a couple more seconds, she relaxed into my hold and wrapped her arms around my neck before reciprocating the kiss. I groaned into the kiss as she tugged on my hair and moved her lips with mine. Holding her in my arms and kissing her again reminded me just how much I wanted this. I wanted to do this every day.

        "I missed you," I muttered against her lips. "I missed you so much."

       We looked into each other's eyes for a second before our lips met once more. I didn't know how long we kissed, but I didn't want to pull away. Estella wasn't Ximena or Sabrina.

        I never experienced this with them—whatever this was.

        When our lips parted, we rested our foreheads together as our breaths came out ragged. Our eyes met, and I smiled, but her brows furrowed.

        "I don't want to be the other woman," she said.

        I chuckled as we pulled away from each other. "It's not cheating. Ximena is with other guys, too."

        Estella narrowed her eyes, and she took a step back. "The fact that you're okay with me sharing you with another girl is disheartening."

        I sighed. "Why do you have to ruin the moment?"

        "I don't ruin anything," she said. "You do."

        "I know!" I agreed. "That's why I can't give you what you want."

        What I was feeling for Estella scared the shit out of me, and I wanted it to go away. At the same time, I wanted more of it.

        She watched me carefully for a second. "You know, Jax." She moved closer to me. "You said I don't know what I want, but I think it's you who don't know what you want. I want to be here for you, but this is too much. I'm not going to wait around for you."

        I swallowed, trying to get my thoughts together before responding, but all I could say was, "Don't. Don't wait for me."

        I wanted her to wait for me. I wanted her to know that I wanted this, but I was between a rock and a hard place at the moment. I wanted her to know so much, but I didn't say any of it.

        Estella's expression crumbled as she backed away from me. "Then it's settled." She turned around and began to walk towards Verda. "Now, stop wasting my time and take me home."

        I wanted to shout out her name and tell her I didn't mean any of it. I wanted to tell her the truth and tell her I wanted everything she wanted. I wanted to let her in, and I wanted to know her, too. I wanted to find the voice to speak up.

        But I didn't.

        All I did was watch her walk away before putting one foot in front of the other to follow her.

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* What do you guys think about Jax and Ximena talking? Jax reaching out to Estella and her confronting him? What's in store for #Jestella?