"Is Jax still ignoring you?" Mi Yun asked while re-applying lip gloss.

        The three of us occupied Sadaf's room—Sadaf and I on the floor and Mi Yun to the mirror.

        "Him ignoring me would require me looking for him and me caring," I said. "And I don't care." I held my chin up high while Mi Yun and Sadaf sent me knowing looks. I sighed. "Okay, maybe I do care, but I don't want to."

        Mi Yun moved closer to us and sat on the bed. "Do you still like Brice?"

        "Yes," I answered.

        "But you like Jax," Sadaf said.

        I pouted and averted my gaze. "Yes." Mi Yun sent me one of those looks where people didn't refute you, but you knew they had doubts. "What is it, Mimi?"

        Mi Yun raised her hands up. "Nothing. It's just that you've been talking about Jax a lot lately. I've barely heard Brice's name."

        I frowned. "Because unlike Jax, Brice isn't being a jerk."

        Brice was actually talking to me, and we had even gone on a couple more dates. While this was happening, Jax continued to shut me out, and I didn't even try anymore. I wasn't going to chase some boy. He was the one who pulled away, so if things were going to get better between us, he had to approach me.

        "I'm not talking about Jax because I want to," I said. "I'm talking about Jax because I need to. He's so annoying." I released a frustrated groan. "He tells me he's interested in me one night, then acts like a total a-hole the next. Then he calls me to talk, only to tell me we can't be together. Then he kisses me and still tells me we can't be together. Who does that?"

        "Obviously, Jax Velasco," Sadaf replied. "You know what, let's add some music to loosen you up."

        "K-Pop, please," I told her as she made her way to her stereo.

        "BTS?" she asked. "I know they're your favorite K-Pop group."

        "Yes," I said with an exhausted sigh.

        I needed some BTS right now. Anything to get my mind off Jax. Not long after plugging in her phone, "Blood, Sweat and Tears" started playing.

        "Yass." Mi Yun jumped off the bed. "'Not Today' next."

        "I'll let the playlist run," Sadaf said while returning to the floor. "It'll play eventually."

        As the song progressed, we began to sing along. Even though Mi Yun was the only one who spoke Korean fluently, Sadaf and I watched enough K-dramas and listened to enough K-Pop to learn some words and phrases. The rest of the lyrics that we didn't know, we had listened to the songs enough times to go along, even if we may have been botching the pronunciations.

        We spent a couple more songs singing and laughing. This was why I loved my girls. Boys may have come and go, but my girls stayed.

        "You know what," I said, breaking the group singing. "Screw Jax. If Jungkook came to my door and said he wanted to be with me, all I'll think is 'Jax who?'" My girls laughed. "Who needs Jax when I have Jungkook?"

        Mi Yun scoffed. "Basic. Everyone likes Jungkook. RM? Now, he's my favorite, but V is a close second."

        "J-Hope for me," Sadaf added with a smile.

        I stared at her. "He's the least attractive one out of the whole group."

        Sadaf playfully glared at me. "Not everything is about looks, Estella." She had a point. "He may not be the best looking, but I love his personality. It's so bright and lively, and he's the best dancer in the whole group."

        My mood deflated. "Please don't talk about dancers."

        "Brice is also a dancer," Mi Yun reminded me.

        "Yeah," I agreed. "But He-who-must-not-be-named is also a dancer."

        "Girl, please," Mi Yun said with a scoff. "This isn't Harry Porter. Plus, Jax is way too good-looking to be compared to that hideous Voldemort."

        Sadaf shook her head. "You guys are so shallow."

        Mi Yun kissed her teeth at her, then they went back and forth talking about Mi Yun's shallowness and how she believed Sadaf was lying about not being shallow. While they went at it with each other, thoughts of Jax returned. Jax was a dancer.

        An amazing one at that. Before Jax and I had our falling out, I went to one of their hip-hop company performances, and I had to say, for a person who preferred rock over hip-hop, Jax had rhythm. His dancing was effortless, yet you couldn't stop watching him. I knew I couldn't. Watching him dance only made that feeling inside of me stronger.

        It was time to get rid of that feeling—all of it.

        "Okay, this isn't going anywhere," Mi Yun said, halting her and Sadaf's banter. "I admit it, I'm shallow as fuck. But there's nothing wrong with Estella or anyone else appreciating Jax's looks."

        "This isn't about Jax's looks," I told her. "There're a lot of attractive guys out there."

        "Like Brice?" Mi Yun eyed me. "I may not be the guy's biggest fan, but he is easy on the eyes, and I don't even like men like that."

        "Yeah," I said. "Like Brice, and there are many more good-looking men." I fumbled with my fingers and stared at them. "But there's only one Jax."

        The boy who would tease me to no end, but instead of hurting my feelings, it always lightened my mood. The boy who introduced me to Fight Club and Spanish food. The boy who gave me the courage to do the small things in life like getting my permit, doing my laundry and even sticking my hand out the window of a moving vehicle. The boy who trusted me enough to tell me about Sabrina and even to take me to his house.

        Jax was good-looking, but he was so much more than that.

        "Look, Es." Mi Yun joined us on the floor. "I know you're upset and confused on Jax being so hot and cold, but maybe there's a reason behind this."

        "I know there is," I said, "but he won't tell me. Jax opens up to me more than he's done to anyone else, and I thought we were learning to trust each other even more with each day." My anger was draining out of me, being replaced by that same hurt and confusion. "I don't know why he won't tell me this. Especially with everything else he's told me."

        How bad could it be?

        "There's always a reason behind everything a person does," Sadaf said.

        Mi Yun nodded. "What she said."

        I groaned into my hands. "I just want him to trust me."

        Mi Yun placed a hand on my shoulder. "Sometimes when people keep things hidden, it's not because they don't trust you. It could also be because they don't want to hurt you or lose you."

        "I don't know why he would think that."

        There was nothing Jax could say that would make me turn my back on him.

        Mi Yun shrugged. "Give him time. Just don't give up on him yet. You don't have to date him, but whenever he needs a friend, whenever he needs you, be there for him."

        I was saying all these things, that I didn't want to care about Jax and I wanted to let him go completely, but I didn't know if I could do it. A part of me felt weak for this, but if it was meant to be, things would fall into place.

        It was time I started focusing solely on Brice.

        "I hate boys," I grumbled. "Times like this, I wish I was a lesbian. It'll be so much easier."

        Mi Yun snorted. "You think girls are easier?" Sadaf snickered. "You're only saying that because you're straight, Es. When you care about someone, like really care, it's never easy. If anything, I may go as far as to say that sometimes, lesbian relationships are harder. You have two girls in a relationship. You know how passive-aggressive most girls can be."

        "True," Sadaf and I agreed with a nod.

        "Saying one thing, but meaning something completely different," Mi Yun went on.

        That sounded about right.

        "Speaking of lesbian relationships, how are you and Sabrina?" I asked, and Mi Yun's eyes widened.

        "You want to know about me and Sabrina?" The shock laced her voice.

        I nodded. "I said I was going to give her a chance, and that's exactly what I'm doing. Plus, anything to get my mind off Jax. I don't want to talk about him anymore."

        "Yeah." Sadaf scooted closer to Mi Yun. "Fill us in."

        "We're good," Mi Yun said with a grin. "I really like her, and it sucks that most people misjudge her. I can see why though. She's sort of an enigma to most people. People tend to fear what they don't know."

        I looked away. I didn't trust Sabrina, but that didn't mean I feared her. Then again, why didn't I trust her?

        "She can be kind of intense at times," Mi Yun said. "I'll stand by her side and be there for her as much as I can, but she has a lot of demons."

        First Jax. Now Mi Yun. What was up with this girl?

        "I don't want to go into too much detail, but she's dealing with a lot." Mi Yun stared past me at nothing in particular. "Mostly internal battles. And the sad part is, I don't think she knows how to cope with it. At least, she doesn't know how to cope well and productively. It hurts me though, to see what she does to herself." Mi Yun's expression changed, moving from deep thought to sadness. "I don't understand it. I don't understand how someone can do that."

        "You don't have to understand," I said.

        "And you don't need to judge her," Sadaf added.

        "You just need to be there for her, like you said," I finished off.

        Mi Yun sent us a sad smile. "I can't help her. She has to help herself." Sadaf and I nodded in agreement. "All I can do is be there when she finally does."

        Sadaf glanced down with her lips twisted to the side in thought. I nudged her. "What about you, Sadaf?" I got her attention. "Anything up with you?"

        Panic flashed over her features for a split second before returning back to normal. "I'm good."

        Mi Yun wagged a finger at her. "Oh no, you don't. I know that look. Something is up."

        The panic returned. "It's not that big of a deal."

        "We've both shared," I reminded her. "You can tell us anything, Sadaf. We'll never judge you."

        I knew I could be judgmental at times. I wasn't proud of it, but I wasn't in denial either. Sadaf was the opposite. She was one of the least judgmental people I knew. I admired that about her.

        Sadaf cleared her throat. "I've been talking to Oliver." Mi Yun and I met each other's gaze with open-mouthed smiles. "Don't get too excited. We're not dating." Mi Yun's and my grin died down. "But I like him." The smiles returned. "I know I shouldn't, but I do, and I like talking to him. A part of me even wants to date him." She buried her face into her hands with a squeal.

        "The problem is...?" Mi Yun dragged out the words to urge her to continue.

        "Is it because Muslims can't date?" I guessed, and Sadaf nodded.

        "I know there are plenty of Muslims who do date," she said. "Just like there're plenty of Muslims who don't wear hijab. Heck! Most Iranian girls don't wear hijab, unless they're in Iran and in public. Iranian girls in the U.S. usually don't, but I want to. I feel empowered when I wear my hijab, not oppressed, because I'm choosing to wear it. I made this decision, and I stand by it. Just like I stand by not dating before marriage."

        "Wow," Mi Yun said in disbelief. "You're pretty conservative."

        "Not so much conservative," Sadaf said. "I'm just traditional when it comes to my beliefs, but I'm not going to impose that on other people nor am I afraid of things changing. I've wanted to withhold until marriage for so long, but then Oliver comes." She smiled. "I like him, and I want to be with him. I know I shouldn't, but the urge to do it is so strong."

        "There'll be a lot of Olivers, Sadaf," Mi Yun pointed out.

        "I know," Sadaf said. "But I didn't know it'll be so hard until now. I kind of wish that I was like those Muslims who date. Some of them can do it freely without any guilt, but that's not me. Now, there's this internal battle within me. One is trying to stay true to my faith and the other wants to give in to what I want." She sighed. "Does that make me a bad person?"

        "No," I said, in disbelief that she'll say that. "That makes you a teenage girl. Sometimes we like boys." I glanced at Mi Yun. "Or girls. There's nothing wrong with having those feelings. They're natural."

        "My family always likes to point out how different we are," Sadaf said. "We're Iranian and immigrants and Muslim, and they never let me forget that. I may live in America, but I'll never be a true American."

        "What the hell is a true American?" Mi Yun scratched her head. "Does anyone know what a 'true' American is?"

        "Right!" I backed up Mi Yun before turning to Sadaf. "You're as American as me and Mi Yun. And all three of us are as American as any white, straight, Christian person."

        "Damn straight." Mi Yun gave me a high five.

        Sadaf chuckled. "You're right. I may be Muslim. You may be black, Es, and you may be gay, Mimi. But at the end of the day, we're all just teenage girls. We're not that different."

        "Plus, what's wrong with being different, anyway?" Mi Yun asked. "Everyone is different in something. People will always try to make you feel less than because of your differences, but you gotta hold your head up high and let them know you're not going anywhere." She placed her fist into the middle of our circle. "Double jeopardy squad."

        Sadaf released a heavy breath. "I still think that's a terrible name."

        "Got any better ideas?" Mi Yun looked to her for an answer.

        "True Americans," I piped in. "Each one of us is a true American in our own way, and all three are valid."

        Mi Yun and Sadaf smiled at me, and Sadaf and I put our fists into the circle, too. "True Americans," all three of us shouted simultaneously as we brought our hands up.

        I loved my friends, and that was the moment I realized, Jax needed a friend, not a girlfriend.

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* With the current climate in America, this chapter was necessary because Americans' differences don't make them weaker. It makes them stronger. As a person of multiple marginalized groups, I know what it's like for people to think I don't exist, or that I'm going to hell for who I'm attracted to, making me feel like I'm less than or people thinking I'm weak for my mental illness. It took years for me to finally hold my head up high and let people know I'm not going anywhere. If you're in a similar boat, remember that. They can't make you disappear, so might as well live proudly. It does get better. I will know. Hope you enjoyed this chapter. 😊