"Ok Itachi, let's find a way...What the hell-?!" Cut off at seeing a flash of blonde and orange go past them in their peripheral vision, the two followed.

Hidden away in the trees, the two watched disgusted as the leaf villagers surrounded the poor boy.

"WHEN WILL YOU JUST CROAK YOU FUCKING MENACE?!" The small blonde just cringed as he was kicked in the ribs.

"LEAVE HERE AND GIVE US PEACE!"

"DO US A FAVOR AND DIVE OFF A CLIFF!"

The boy lay silent and motionless as he received his beating and more insults came. He frowned in confusion when screams filled his ears and soon realized that he was alone.

'D-Did they leave...? What scared them...?' Unbeknownst to him, something scared them, but they didn't get to leave.

Itachi and Kisame attempting to calm down after their kill-fest, followed Naruto as he ran to his house confused, but happy.

Secretly to even them, a smiling Nara watched it all, 'They're not who I expected to be heroes. Definitely not conventional, but it is very refreshing. How do I go about this...?' He sighed, "How troublesome."

Bursting into his apartment, Naruto slid down the door exhausted, 'Kit when will you let me kill these wretched villagers?!' The sound of Kyubbi in his head nearly scared him to death.

'Shitty fox, you scared the hell out of me! And never!'

'Why?! They treat you like garbage day in and day out no matter what you do!' 'One day...' 'One day they will say "fuck it" and kill you!' 'No they......I know...'

Footsteps in his apartment made him aware of the intense chakra levels in his house, 'How did I miss that?!' He began the silent search around his house, and eventually, turning up nothing, he relaxed.

"You know, your apartment is a fucking mess."

With a scream, he turned and kicked the intruder as hard as he could in the nards.

"FUC-GAK!" Crumbling to the ground in silent agony, Kisame felt tears slip down his face as his spirit departed.

Itachi rolled his eyes and shoved the spirit back in, "Get up." Turning his gaze to Naruto, he lifted the boy by his scruff like a cat, "Let's chat."

And that was how Naruto awkwardly sat across two S-nins, while one of them shoved ice under their cloak.

'This is fucking weird.' For once he and Kyubbi agreed on something, probably never going to happen again.

"We want you in the Akatsuki." At this blunt ass statement, Naruto did a triple-take, "HUH!?"

After a quite long conversation, Naruto relaxed, "I understand what you're offering, but you're also asking me to give up everything to go with you."

Itachi nodded, "We know it's a lot, but we figured with the abuse you take here and your loneliness, you'd be perfect."

'He has a point. They're the least likely to judge and the most likely to appreciate you.' 'How so?' 'They all have awful pasts and things that make them different, that's why they work so well together.'

He thought about that for a hot minute. 'They're all equally fucked up.'

'Exactly, you can get stronger, have the family you always wanted, and most importantly I won't have to get pissed at people attacking you all the time.'

'Fair enough mama Kurama.'

'I've warned you about that, keep it up, and I'll find a way to kick your ass.'

'You can try.'

"-uto...aruto...NARUTO!" Finally coming back to reality, he was met with Itachi's concerned eyes. "Yeesh welcome back."

Sheepishly scratching his cheek, he grinned, "Sorry thinking."

"Tch that's dangerous..." Glaring at the shark-nin, he muttered, "Watch it, fish breath!"

Sighing the raven uttered the simple phrase, "I'm surrounded by children," making both parties shut up.

"So Naruto, your choice?"

Naruto jumped up excitedly, "I'll go!"

Both nins facepalmed hard, "I can't believe that fucking worked!"

"All the times we came after this kid...."

"AND IT WAS THAT EASY!" Naruto silently backed away to pack his bags. Once done, they all thought they could finally leave when a knock sounded from the door.

"Shit! Probably pinkie!"

Opening the door, stood his closest friend, but his current worse nightmare.

"Hello Naruto." There stood Shikamaru Nara.

'It just had to be the genius didn't it?!' Oh look, they agreed again!

"H-Hey Shikamaru, why are you here?" "Investigating why you have two S-ranked missing nins in your house." Naruto began to internally screech.

"Huh?! What do you mean?! I don't!" Shikamaru rolled his eyes but said nothing and walked right in. The sight made both boys nearly die laughing.

They saw Itachi's hair down, sassy red lipstick on, lines covered up by makeup, a black kimono, something under the kimono making him look pregnant, and elegant red shoes, he looked fine, beautiful actually.

Then there was Kisame.

He tried to cover up the blue with tan skin tone makeup, a casual shirt and pants, and ninja shoes. Needless to say, he failed. The clothes were too small, makeup did nothing to help that pretty blue, and he forgot to do his feet, but kept his arm around Itachi's waist like all was normal.

Itachi was struggling to hold his own laughter and in his best girly voice said, "Thank you for your assistance young man, but we should be going."

Shikamaru pulled himself together and a devious smirk. "What exactly did he help with Miss...?"

"Oh pardon my rudeness, I'm Aka Karasu and....this.....is my husband Same Karasu, we were lost and running low on supplies, but this young man helped a lot."

Shikamaru literally couldn't anymore, "This is a joke, right, you expected me to believe this?"

Kisame looked offended, "Excuse me, young man-"

"MAKEUP CAN'T COVER THAT YOU'RE BLUE! A DISGUISE CAN'T COVER THE CHAKRA THAT YOU DIDN'T CONCEAL FROM THE FOREST! KISAME, YOUR CLOTHES ARE TOO SMALL, AND ITACHI, YOU KNOW I'M NOT AN IDIOT!"

Both sighed, cause neither could argue. "Itachi, you expected me to believe that the boy, that lives on only ramen and never cleans his house, gave you food and supplies."

The raven facepalmed mega hard at that, "Fair point..."

"Though stellar performance, you should've been an actor." Itachi smirked, "At least you have good taste."

Naruto finally entered the conversation, "So, are you going to turn us in...?"

Shikamaru raised an eyebrow, "Of course not, dumbass, after these two protected you, I couldn't. Besides, I heard it all, and you deserve more than this dump, you deserve to be happy."

Now everyone was confused, but Kisame spoke up, "Why come then?"

"I wanted to see your reactions. Wasn't disappointed." A series of groans followed his comment, "But I also wanted to know you'd protect him. And for Naruto to know I have his back, I always have."

Naruto teared up and hugged his friend tight. "I'll miss you, Naruto, but I will always support you. If you ever need help, just let me know."

The criminals couldn't help but smile, "You always were a good kid Nara."

Shika smiled at Itachi, "Protect him, please. He's had it rough." Itachi nodded, "You have my word."

Naruto became upset, "I can't believe this is goodbye." Shikamaru turned the boy to him and the look on his face was stern. "No, you need to go. I don't want anything irreversible to happen to you. I'll miss you too, but I want you safe more."

"There's an alternative."

Both boys turned to Kisame as he handed something to Shikamaru, "This was Itachi's idea." Shika stared at the older teen, lost as hell and he chuckled, "Inside is a seal, a ring, and instructions. Use it when you want to visit Naruto or summon him to you."

Eyes widening, the young Nara stared at Itachi surprised, but merely smiled and nodded. "Thank you, but you should go before the Anbu comes. Goodbye, for now, Naruto."

With one more hug to his friend and a grateful look to the S-nins, Shikamaru left, but not forever as he thought.

Finally leaving, Naruto glanced back at Konoha but felt no regret, only joy. "I'm free."

The three took off for the base, "So tell me about the other members."

This made the two nins chuckle, "Oh where to begin...."

"Go from weirdest to least." "Oh boy okay, well, that would be the immortal crew I guess."

"THERE ARE IMMORTALS?!"

"Yes, Hidan and Kakuzu."

"Are they nice?" The S-nins looked at each other and then burst into uncontrollable laughter.

Naruto was confused, 'What did I say?' Itachi got a grip first, "Ahem, Naruto, they are complete assholes. Hidan is an arrogant prick, and Kakuzu is a selfish money-hungry cheapskate."

Naruto frowned at Itachi's description, "Are any of you nice?"

This made Kisame think, "Yes, me, Itachi if he's in a good mood or you're nice, Sasori if you're respectful, Deidara if you're fun, Konan cause she's dealt with our shit too long and is like a mom, then again so are Deidara and Sasori...hm. Well, Pein or Leader-sama is if you're not annoying, and Zetsu if you're a plant or you like them."

Naruto sighed, "Who do you think I'll get along with the best?" Itachi spoke instantly, "Deidara, definitely."

Kisame and Naruto stared at Itachi, "Deidara?"

Itachi rolled those dark orbs, "They're both hyperactive, blonde, loudmouths, and I'm sure Naruto will love Deidara's "art" as much as him."

Kisame shrugged, "Good point, Sasori will probably like you too, considering you'll remind him of Deidara."

"Are they close?"

"Yes, they're dating."

This made Naruto trip and fall, but Itachi saved his ass quickly, "You have a problem with gays?" Naruto blushed and shook his head, 'Can't hate your own kind.'

"Great, then you'll be fine."

After a long day of traveling and Naruto shoving Akatsuki knowledge into his skull, the trio took a break at an inn to rest. "I'm starving! Do they have ramen in this town?"

Kisame sighed, "I think I saw a shop on the way in."

"What are we waiting for?!" Itachi grinned a little, "Somethings don't change."

Naruto frowned nervously, "Is that a bad thing?" He received a pat on the head, "Not at all. It's pleasant. You're a good kid with a big heart, just an even bigger stomach."

After being seated and ordering, Naruto eyed Itachi confused, "You are being way more expressive and talkative than normal, especially considering you're a Uchiha."

Kisame chuckled, "Good point. I forgot to mention this. Itachi was going blind, so Sasori created the first-ever cure for Uchiha disease."

"Uchiha, what?"

"A disease Sharingan users get; basically, they get sick, become blind, and a bunch of other bad things!"

"So Itachi was becoming blind."

"He was blind as hell!" Itachi slowly looked at Kisame, "I will hurt you." Kisame instantly shut up.

"Is Itachi that scary, Kisame, geez?" Kisame shuddered and nodded, "Yes, yes, he is."

"Hm.." With Kisame and Naruto in silent awareness, all was silent until they made it to their inn to rest.

After several days of travel, they made it to the base, and Naruto could merely stare in slight horror. "You guys are serious that...well, that you guys wanted me..?"

"We're a lot of things, Naruto, liars aren't one, not anymore." Both smiled at him, "Welcome to the Akatsuki Naruto, your new crazy-ass, whiplash-inducing, loving home."