As if time finally bowed its unwavering boughs,

She rose from the ashes, then flew to the willow tree by the stream.

Just as she kissed me and from sleep I rouse,

She scattered like cherry blossoms; it was but a dream.

-- J., 2016

There he was again, haunting her dreams.

This time, he was sitting next to her, his arm cushioning his head as he slumped over her bed. He was so close, if she wished, she could run her fingers through his hair. Yet seeing how his body was relaxed in slumber, she waited, content to simply take him all in, from the tiny mole right beneath his right eye to the barely-there ridge at the tip of his nose.

For a moment, she wondered how such detail existed in her memory. After all, she'd only seen him once in person. But then again, there was no counting the number of times she had looked at his photo so perhaps, without her knowing, her mind had cataloged his features into her subconscious. Anyway, she had long given up trying to understand why or how this came to be.

It all started when her friend posted a news article on Wechat. There was a portrait of him in it captioned as the company's new country manager. Yingyue didn't know exactly what it was that drew her attention, but when she saw him, she couldn't look away. For the first time since she had lost her parents, something other than numbness stirred in her chest. The emotion caught her so much by surprise, she found herself sending a message asking about him. Her friend, Yiwen, quickly responded and by the end of that conversation, she had agreed to be introduced to Kang Jihoon.

That night, he had started inhabiting her dreams. At first, his presence was fleeting-- a small smile, a brief touch, a figure in the distance. Yet as the day of their meeting drew closer, his smile had transformed into a smirk, his touch into a thorough exploration, and the distance between them grew nonexistent. Sometimes, she'd wake up with an ache between her thighs.

Yingyue had always been a passionate creature. Before this--- this self-imprisonment? Hiatus from society? --- no, this crippling phobia that kept her from going out of her house, she had indulged in a few no-strings-attached affairs whenever work got too stressful.

Which was often, her brain quipped.

Well... yeah, and that led her to the point she was trying to make. These dreams were the result of her prolonged celibacy.

Probably.

More than likely.

Besides, she couldn't control what she dreamed about. There was definitely no reason to be embarrassed. And, she was definitely not a weird person.

Yet, when she finally saw him standing outside her gate, dozens of heated images had assailed her. There, in the flesh, was the man who'd whispered naughty things against her thighs while he ravaged her. It didn't help that he looked a hundred times better in person. He was smooth silk, intoxicating wine, and decadent chocolate personified. She wanted to gobble him up and luxuriate in the feel of his body against hers. It took everything she had to keep a straight a face and control her ragged breathing. Before he could question her strange reaction, she shut the door in his face.

She couldn't face him after all.

Not when she was acting like a sex-deprived nymphomaniac. Not when he so easily stirred up her emotions.

Pleasure and pain were two sides of the same coin. Jihoon was dangerous, especially when she was floating in this limbo, desperately seeking for a purpose to living. Any sort of relationship with him was bound to lead her farther astray.

In the end, she decided it was best for Kang Jihoon to remain a fantasy. Then, they could both indulge in pleasure without worrying about pain. There, she didn't have to deal with the complications that often came with reality. More importantly, she was free to do as she desired without repercussions.

To prove her point, she brushed a hand down his cheek and traced the angle of his jaw, where dark bristles tickled her palm.

His lashes fluttered open.

She held her breath.

He was beautiful.

And so was this dream.

"Hey." She rubbed her thumb over his lower lip like she had done dozens of times before.

His eyes widened at her touch.

"Miss Hu?"

Miss Hu? Were they doing the boss and secretary thing again? This was one of her favorite fantasies.

Licking her lips, she pushed herself up and scooted towards him but a searing pain burned her side. She gasped, squeezing her lids shut. At once, she felt gentle hands helping her lay back on the bed.

"Careful or you might undo your stitches."

Stitches?

Her eyes snapped open at that. She examined the room beyond. The walls and ceiling were painted a drab shade of beige. There was a small window behind him where weak sunshine spilled through. His jacket was carelessly flung over the arm of a grey sofa.

Her pulse quickened as possibilities filtered through her head.

"This isn't a dream?"

"Are you still groggy from the medicine?" While he tilted his head, a corner of his lips quirked up. "No, it's not a dream."

If this was not a dream, then it must be a living nightmare. She clenched her hands against the sheets. That's when she noticed the tubes sticking out of her arm.

Panic started knocking at the edges of her consciousness.

"Where am I?" Her voice came out high-pitched.

"You're at the hospital. You had an appendectomy last night. Good thing your appendix hasn't ruptured yet, so you'll be able to recover soon."

An appendectomy? At a hospital?

No, no, no. She couldn't be. She couldn't leave her house. She...

She couldn't breathe.

"Are you okay? Wait, let me call the nurse."

"No!" The last thing she needed was more people in the room. "Don't! I'm... I'm okay."

She started counting in her head, focusing on getting all the numbers right. She learned the trick after watching an online video about meditation.

"Are you sure?"

She nodded.

Six, seven, eight...

When she lost her parents, anxiety had replaced the hole they had left in her life. It first made its presence known the day of their funeral. While she was receiving the many well-meaning people who came to offer their condolences, she started seeing accusatory glances aimed her way. Then, she heard whispers.

If only she went to pick her parents up instead of making them take a cab, then they wouldn't have gotten involved in a car accident. If only she did as she promised instead of choosing to work overtime, then they would still be alive.

It was all her fault.

She killed them. She killed them. She killed them.

Fifteen, sixteen, seventeen...

Much later, Yingyue learned that she had fainted. When she told her cousin about what she saw and heard, she was told no such thing had happened. No one blamed her.

Apparently, it was all in her head.

Still, every time she went out, she saw those angry eyes, heard those sinister voices. The only place this didn't happen was at the safety of her home. That was why since then, she had never set foot outside. Not that she could, anyway. Whenever she tried, she'd get full-blown panic attacks that prevented her from taking a single step.

And now, she was at a hospital.

Her heartbeat raced even faster.

Counting was useless.

"Hey, are you sure you're okay?"

Jihoon bent over her, bouncing on his long legs, looking as though he was about to leap over the bed to the door in case something went wrong. Whether to save her or flee the scene, she wasn't sure. Somehow, in spite of it all, the sight of him made her want to smile, so she kept her focus on him. Bit by slow bit, her breathing evened.

He was better at calming her than counting.

Ugh.

Dangerous.

She shook her head to disperse her wayward thoughts.

"You're not okay?"

"What?"

"I asked you if you were okay and you shook your head." Looking totally confused, Jihoon raked his fingers through his fluffy hair.

The urge to giggle overcame her. She pursed her lips to suppress it but ended up choking instead. Her torso screamed bloody murder.

She groaned.

"That's it! I'm calling the nurse."

God, he must think she was such weirdo. That or hysterical.

"No, no, no. I'm fine... I'll be fine as long as you don't call the nurse."

For a minute, he looked entirely skeptical.

So she added, "Really. I'm okay."

With a shrug, he plopped back down on the chair but continued to bounce his knees as he ran his worried gaze over her figure.

"Why? Why don't you want me to call the nurse?"

How was she going to explain it without making him think she had completely lost her mind? At this point, did it even matter?

Ah, whatever.

She was going to tell the truth. Anyway, she didn't want to impress him.

Right?

Yes, that's right.

"I get panic attacks around strangers. Also when I leave my house."

His eyebrows shot towards his hairline. "That... that sort of explains why you shut the door on my face the first time we met."

Well, that wasn't the reason, but it was certainly a better explanation than the truth.

"...but, since it's our second meeting, you feel more comfortable?"

She did, actually. Strange. What was it with this man?

"I guess..."

"But you do realize someone will come later to check if you're okay, right?"

"I know. That's why I wanna leave."

She lifted the blanket to assess the damage the operation had left on her body. Then, she realized she'd have to lift her flimsy hospital shirt, which, by the way, was so thin it was almost see through. Noticing how it revealed the outline of her nipples, she tugged the blanket to her chin, heat flooding her cheeks.

Did he notice it, too?

His face showed no reaction, but he seemed to be having difficulty looking her in the eye. Instead, he was staring intently at a spot on her forehead.

Suspicious.

"You can't," Jihoon said. "The doctor said you have to stay here for two more days."

"What?" She frowned.

"I said the doctor said you need to stay here for two more days."

Two more days? Nevermind her nipples. This was even worse. "No! I can't stay here that long. I have to go home today."

"I..." Jihoon scratched the back of his head. "Well, do you have anyone I can call to come help you? I tried to call Yiwen last night to ask if---"

"Why did you do that?" she shouted. She hated bothering people the most.

He jerked back in his seat. "Relax... she didn't pick up anyway. Maybe she was busy."

"It's... it's not necessary. I don't need anyone to help me."

"How about your parents?" he insisted.

"My parents are dead." She winced, noting his startled expression. Why did she have to blurt that out? "And, and before you even suggest it, I don't want to you contact my relatives, either. I don't want to be a burden. Leave it, okay?"

She didn't want them to see how she was living. They were bound to ask questions and bombard her with suggestions on how she should live her life. She'd rather suffer alone than suffocate under the weight of people's good intentions.

Jihoon was quiet for a while.

She wondered what he was thinking. Maybe something along the lines of 'not only is this girl weird, but she's also pathetic.' DId he pity her? If he did, she'd show him where he could shove down his pity.

Yingyue fixed her gaze on the ceiling, half-angry at the idea of him making judgments about her, yet half-hopeful he wasn't doing as she imagined.

Anyway, she wished he'd say something soon. Anything to wash away this tide of awkwardness.

"Miss Hu..."

Finally.

"Yingyue..." He cleared his throat. "Since we've been through a lot these few hours, let me call you Yingyue, okay?"

She shrugged. That wasn't what she was expecting him to say, so that was good. Still, she worried about what she'd see when she looked at him.

"I feel weird calling you Miss Hu," he went on. "Especially since we'll be spending the next few weeks together."

She gaped at him. "What do you mean?"

"I have decided I'll take care of you until you recover." He grinned.

"Wha--"

"Tut, tut, tut!" Jihoon cut her off, waving a finger at her. "I already saved your life once. It's my duty to ensure you'll actually live."

Wrong. She couldn't possibly rely on him. Regardless of what she felt about him, he was still a stranger. "No, I absolve you from any responsibility. The doctors and nurses will take care of me."

Raising a brow, he crossed his arms over his chest. "So you're okay with staying at the hospital for two more days?"

"As if I have a choice," she grumbled.

"Good." He got up and grabbed his coat. "Then I'll go."

What? So he was going to leave her? That fast? So much for saving her life and ensuring she'll live.

But wasn't that what she wanted anyway?

Yes! No. Maybe?

God, her mind was a mess.

"Fine, go! Goodbye."

When he actually strode towards the door, the threat of tears stung her eyes. Yingyue blinked them back.

Jihoon stopped, turning to look at her. "Don't be too sad."

Sad? She wasn't sad. The medicine they gave her was probably making her emotional. Yes, that was it! That was definitely it. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"I'll only be gone for an hour or so to some of the things you'll need here."

Wait, so... "So you're really going to stay and take care of me?"

"Didn't I say I would?"

He looked serious, but at the same time, the corners of his lips seemed to be twitching. Was he teasing her?

Her eyes narrowed. "But don't you have to go to work?"

"I can afford to take a few days off. Besides, the Spring Festival is in three days. I've got time and nothing to do, so you'll be doing me a favor by keeping me company." Jihoon grinned.

It was dazzling.

And just like that, the urge to cry evaporated. She was thrilled.

No, no, no. She didn't care.

Yes, yes, yes. She did.

She really wanted to smile. But, she wouldn't. There was no reason, too. None at all.

Yingyue smiled in return. 

 ☽ ☾ ☽ ☾ ☽ ☾ ☽ ☾ ☽ ☾ ☽ ☾ 

Author's note:

I wanted to update this story twice a month, but I'm struggling. I'll try to stick to that schedule, but there might be times when I can only do one upload per month. I know, it's a long time to wait. I promise, though, at I will finish this story no matter what. :) 

Thank you all for reading!