Stuck in this endless midnight,

How I longed to see daylight,

So I raged, mourned, lost sight

Of that beautiful moonlight.

— J, 2019

"Ah, that feels so good!"

Leaning back against his seat, Jihoon gingerly wiggled his fingers and scratched the back of his hand. It felt wonderful having his cast removed. All month long, he had to travel around the country with only one capable hand, meeting with local staff to check on sales targets and strategies. Everything, from getting dressed to typing emails, required double the time. It was unbearable. He, however, only had himself to blame.

"Mister, here's your coffee," the server said, placing the cup in front of him with a smile. "If there's anything else you need, just let me know. My name is Jessie," she said pointing to the tag pinned against the crisp white shirt she wore.

Jihoon smiled in return. "Thank you, Jessie."

"You're welcome." Jessie gave him a shy smile, then rushed back to the counter. There, she and the barista exchanged excited whispers while aiming occasional glances his way.

Bemused, Jihoon shook his head. Although he considered himself reasonably attractive, the amount of attention he's been getting since he moved to China surprised him. Too bad the only woman whose opinion he cared about at the moment had forgotten him. He hadn't heard from Yingyue the entire time he was away, though he sent her a message to say he'd be gone.

Using his newly healed hand, Jihoon lifted the cup to his lips. The bittersweet coffee coated his tongue and warmed the back of his throat. Now that he had some free time, he wondered if he should try getting in touch with Yingyue again. He could tell her he had his cast removed and thought he'd drop by since he was in the vicinity.

That could work.

Taking another sip of coffee, he took out his phone and opened Wechat. There, he clicked on Yingyue's profile and checked her feed to see what she was up to. All recent posts were about yoga or investment news. He had to scroll way down to find anything personal. Even then, it was just a photo of her from behind balancing on one leg. He zoomed in then hastily pressed back. This was neither the place nor the time to be distracted.

Going back to the chatbox, he started typing.

Kang Jihoon [typing]: Hi! I'm back! I wonder if I can drop by?

Shaking his head, Jihoon pressed delete. That sounded weak, uncertain. He needed something more definitive.

Kang Jihoon [typing]: I'm back. Let's talk?

He considered the message for a second. It was too aggressive like she owed him something. He tapped the delete button again.

By the time he finished his coffee, Jihoon still had no decent idea in mind. Although his sister believed otherwise, Jihoon actually knew little about wooing women. Even with Leila, there hadn't been much in terms of courtship. Like a spark to dry kindling, the two of them had caught fire the moment they met. As for his numerous hook-ups, well, the rules involved weren't the same. When two people hooked up, there was a tacit agreement that the time spent was limited, so each party came together with clear expectations. Serious relationships, on the other hand, were more complicated. He had no idea what Yingyue thought of him or if she still did.

Putting his phone down, Jihoon looked outside where the afternoon sun shone unhindered for once. Last night's rain had cleared out the smog, so a few passersby had their phones out to capture that rare blue sky. What if he asked Daniel for advice? The two of them went a long way back, having met while doing their MBAs at Harvard Business School. Both being third culture kids coerced by their parents to follow a certain path, they instantly hit it off. Back then, Daniel often instigated wild parties and adventures, dragging Jihoon along with him. Now, he was a staid family man who was disgustingly in love with his wife. Surely, he'd know a thing or two about relationships.

Gritting his teeth, Jihoon dialed Daniel's number. Luckily, Daniel was also based in Shanghai and answered after the first ring. Jihoon would have chickened out if his friend took longer.

"Jihoon, my man! How are you doing?"

His friend's jolly voice boomed from the speaker. Smiling, Jihoon replied, "Good, good. Still alive."

Daniel laughed. "Oh? I thought you've fallen off the face of the earth. Haven't heard from you since Christmas last year."

"Been busy, man. You know how it is."

"Still can't believe you've turned into a workaholic. What happened to the Jihoon I once spent a whole week with partying non-stop?"

"Same thing that happened to the Daniel who swore he'll never get hitched."

"Good point." Daniel chuckled. "Speaking of, the wife's hosting a baby shower this weekend. Come if you're free."

"You're having a baby?"

"Don't sound so shocked," Daniel huffed.

Jihoon shook his head, though his friend couldn't possibly see. "It's just that... wow! You're really becoming a family man. Who would have thought?"

"I didn't think I'd get here either, but then I never really thought I'd meet someone who could whip me into shape. Now here I am."

"Well, congrats, man. I'm happy for you."

"Thanks," Daniel replied. "So are you coming next weekend?"

Jihoon ran a hand through his hair. "Sure, why not? It would be great to see Vira again."

"Just my wife? What about your old friend?"

"No one wants to see your ugly mug."

"Ugly? With this face?" Daniel scoffed.

Jihoon grinned. "Remember that time some girl you were eyeing went up to you to ask for my number?"

"Only because she was too drunk to see clearly."

"Nah, if that were the case, she definitely would have gone for you, impaired judgment and all."

"Asshole." The amusement in his voice softened Daniel's curse. "If you called just to insult me, then I'm hanging up."

"Wait! I did want to ask you about something."

"I thought so. You only ever call when you need something."

"What other reason could there be?"

"All right, all right, I see how it is." Daniel tutted.

"Seriously, though. I need help. Unfortunately, you're the only one I can call."

"Since you put it so nicely, then, spill."

"You see..." Jihoon chewed on his bottom lip. "There's this woman—"

"Aha! Now we're talking! Tell me more..."

Jihoon rolled his eyes. "I was about to before you rudely interrupted."

"Okay, okay. I was just a little too excited. It's been a while since you you've talked to me about a woman. Anyway, go on."

"As I was saying, there's a woman I'm kinda interested in, but I totally messed up."

"Messed up how?"

"See, we spent the holiday together at her house."

"Already at that stage, huh?"

Jihoon crossed his legs. "No not exactly. She was sick and had no one else to help, so I volunteered."

"Playing Florence Nightingale, hmm? So what's the problem? She didn't fall for your bedside manners?"

"Well, that's the thing... She and I were getting cozy, but then I totally blew up on her."

"Let me guess. Something to do with that ex of yours again?"

Jihoon sighed. "How did you know?"

"Jihoon, I've known you for a decade. You're usually an easy going dude except on matters about your ex."

"Yeah..." Jihoon rubbed his temple. "Got a call from Leila's sister. Yingyue asked about it, and I lashed out."

"Yingyue, huh? Pretty name."

Jihoon smiled. "Pretty name for a pretty girl."

"Invite her to the baby shower this weekend. I'm curious what type of woman managed to wake you up from the dead."

"Gotta get her to forgive me first," Jihoon said. Though he knew it wasn't possible given Yingyue's situation, it was also not his place to reveal something so personal to his friend. "But I don't think she will."

"Okay, here's the thing. You know what the most important thing is in a relationship?"

"Let me guess," Jihoon said drily. "Communication?"

"Exactly! You already know it, but do you actually do it? The problem started when she asked you about your call. But instead of answering truthfully, you chose to shut her down. Now, she's doing the same to you."

"So how am I supposed to talk to her when she doesn't want to talk to me?"

"How many times have you tried?"

"Uh, once?"

Daniel chuckled. "And you're already giving up? Maybe you're not serious about Yingyue after all."

"I am!"

"Well then, try again? If there's one thing I learned from life as a married man, it's that women appreciate the effort. And be honest with her about your past. If you explain to her why you reacted that way, she'll surely understand."

"And if that doesn't work?"

"Then fuck her!"

"F-fuck her? How's that gonna help?"

"Not in that way, you pervert!" Daniel snickered. "I meant if she doesn't give you a break, then forget about her."

"Oh."

Jihoon uncrossed his legs, picked up his cup, and swirled around the remaining dredges of his coffee. Somehow, he didn't relish the thought of ending things like this with Yingyue. Daniel was right. Ever since Leila, he had been living as if he was dead. He didn't want to go back to that zombie-like existence. Hopefully, Yingyue will give him another chance.

"Jihoon-ah."

The sudden severity in Daniel's voice took Jihoon out of his reverie. "Huh?"

"I'm really glad you've found happiness again," Daniel said. "You've had a difficult time. You, more than anyone, deserve to be happy, and you need someone who'll accept all of you— shadows and all. Taking out your anger on another person was a shit thing to do. It was a mistake. But regrets serve no purpose. The mistakes of our past will always be with us. We simply have to learn from them and to live with them. Let live and let go, my friend."

Jihoon's chest tightened. While he struggled to reign in his emotions, silence reigned over the line. It took a couple of attempts to clear his throat before he was confident enough to speak.

"I will do my best," he managed to say, though he still sounded as if he was choking. "Thanks, bro."

To Jihoon's relief, there was also some throat-clearing on Daniel's side, too. At least he wasn't the only one who was going to be embarrassed later. Then in a cheerful tone, Daniel exclaimed, "Ok, that's enough talk about feelings for the day! I'll text you the details for next weekend. You better come, okay?"

"I will, I will."

"K, bye."

"Bye."

After ending the call, Jihoon got up, shrugged into his thick coat, and slung his bag across his chest.

"Shuài ɡē, are you leaving?"

Turning around, Jihoon was surprised to find the woman who served his coffee. She had progressed from calling him mister to 'handsome brother.'

"If you're leaving," she went on to say, "is it okay if I get your Wechat?"

Jihoon took in her anxious face and earnest eyes. At another place and another time, he would have said yes. That was when he didn't care which body warmed his bed. Yet he'd walked that path often enough to know that wasn't where he wanted to be now. Giving Jessie an apologetic smile, he replied, "Sorry, Jessie, I don't think my girlfriend will like that."

"Oh." Her face fell, a blush tainting her cheeks as she tucked her phone back into the pocket of her jeans. "You're right. Sorry. Um, I gotta go back to work." Without waiting for his reply, Jessie turned around and made her slow descent back to the fold of her curious coworkers.

In turn, Jihoon stepped out of the coffee shop and let his feet take him to the only place he wanted to be at the moment. On the way, he stopped by a flower shop and bought a huge bouquet of red roses. Its heady scent filled his nostrils as he lengthened his strides and rehearsed what he'd do when he got to see her. The closer he got, the harder it became to breathe. By the time he was in front of the familiar red gate, the sound of his heartbeat drowned out every other sound. Jihoon adjusted the collar of his sweater then quickly rang the doorbell. The sound seemed to echo endlessly. He closed his eyes.

What if she refused to open the door? Or what if she had decided it was best to no longer see him? After all, in the month they were apart, not once did she contact him. She hadn't even replied to his message. Then again, the discussion they needed to have shouldn't be made over the phone. Maybe it was best they both had time to think.

An eternity passed before he finally heard the sound of footsteps. Taking in a bracing cold breath, he kneeled down just as he had practiced in his head and as soon as the gate was opened, he bowed his head and held up the bouquet.

"Yingyue, please forgive me," he blurted out.

There was a soft gasp, then a barely suppressed giggle. "Darling, come quick! Your prince charming finally came."

Jihoon's head snapped back up causing him to lose his equilibrium and fall on his butt.

"Hi, boss," Wang Yiwen said, a cheeky grin on her face.

Jihoon scrambled to his feet, wincing due to his sore bum and even sorer ego. "Wh-what are you doing here?"

"I'm visiting my friend. Got a problem with that?" she raised an eyebrow, eyes twinkling with unsuppressed mirth.

"No... Just asking." He pressed a hand against his ear, wondering what he should do. Out of all the iterations of this scenario, he didn't foresee this possibility. It was one thing to apologize in public, but to actually have his subordinate witness this...

Should I just leave and come back later?

He considered the street he'd just traversed.

"Yueyue, hurry up! Your boyfriend looks like he's going to bolt if you don't reign him in soon."

"He's not my boyfriend," Yingyue called out from a distance.

Eyeing him through narrowed eyes, Yiwen stepped out of the gate then pointed an accusatory finger his way. "You screwed up."

"I know." Jihoon sighed. "Is she still angry?"

"Yep."

"So... should I grovel then?"

Yiwen smirked. "That would help."

Jihoon sighed again.

"But tell you what," Yiwen said conspiratorially, "she missed you a lot. Who knows, you might not have to grovel for long."

"Really?" Jihoon straightened his back and craned his neck to see the house beyond. Was that Yingyue's silhouette by the window? A punch to his chest drew his attention back to Yiwen. "Ouch, what was that for?"

"That was for hurting my friend. I'm going to let you off easy this time since you're my boss, but if you hurt her again..." She raised her fist, covered in a furry white glove.

Jihoon did his best to keep a straight face. Yiwen's intimidation tactics may be lacking, but he got the message. "Okay, I'll do everything in my power not to make the same mistake."

"All right, then" she said, a smile back on her face. "Good luck, boss." Looking over her shoulder, she shouted, "Yueyue, I'm leaving. See you next week." With one last nod in his direction, she strode away.

"Yueyue..." Jihoon repeated the nickname softly. Feeling lighter, he clutched the bouquet and poked his head inside the gate. He wondered if he should ring the door bell again or just make his way in towards the house.

"Are you going to stand there all day?"

There was Yingyue standing by the now open window. She was glaring at him, her lips puckered into a tiny pout. A grin spread across his face.

"Hi, Miss Hu," he said, waving with his free hand. "I missed your beautiful face."

She pulled the window close, shielding her from his view, but not before he caught her lips stretching into a smile. That was all he needed to shut the gate behind him and rush towards the front door. There, he smoothed back his hair, cleared his throat, then knocked. As soon as his knuckle touched wood, the door was yanked open.

"It took you long enough," was all she said before she walked back into the house.

He trailed closely behind, relishing in the sight of her, from the shiny tresses of her hair down to the black jeans hugging her buttocks and thighs. A sweet scent suffused the air. Perhaps it was the roses he carried. Most likely, it was hope.