Remus
Not in text

I'm sorry.

That was the start. After he'd stopped texting James that was the first thing he did. He typed out that one text... but didn't hit send.

It was the next day and Remus was waiting for fourth period to end. He was foolishly dilly dallying on his phone, maybe hoping the professor would catch him and he'd be saved from what he planned to do at lunch if his phone wasn't taken away before then.

Merlin, it had really come to this? Wanting to have his own phone taken away so he wouldn't have to gather the courage to send one silly text. It was't as if he needed to send the text but after his conversation with James, he was sure the guilt of not doing so would eat him up eventually. Better to save the trouble and get over with it.

He glanced at the pair of desks not to far from his own. The occupants were already staring at him worriedly and Remus felt shy under their gazes. He's really screwed up.

Almost as quickly as he'd looked their way, he turned away from Peter and Lily, his gaze settling back on the board. This was stupid. All day it had been like some twisted game of cat and mouse. One of the members of their little friend group would run from the others while they chased them down. Nervous glances were exchanged in every class they had together and it felt like Remus' friends shadows were never far from his own.

He hadn't realized how much time he spent with them until that day. It made him regret coming to school at all.

Mentally, he scolded himself. This was not what he was supposed to be thinking. He came here for a reason and he would do what he promised and then he could go home... maybe.

A wince escaped his lips at the thought of staying stuck in school for the rest of the week. Even if he fixed things Lily and Pete, there was still his other two friends, or rather ex-friends, to worry about.

Speaking of which, behind him Remus could make out the quiet exchanges of whispers between the two delinquents. Bits and pieces of their conversation found their way to his ears, not that he intentionally listen.

"... or you could try and...him. Sitting here does... speak... he's right there."

Guilt crept it's way into Remus' chest. He wouldn't dare risk looked back at James and Sirius and have them catch him but he had been taking notes on Sirius through out the day. Not in a creepy way, of course. Just, observing.

He'd defiantly changed over the weekend. It was hard to explain. Remus noticed most of the other students hadn't even realized Sirius was acting any different. It was odd to think so little people recognized the slight slump in his shoulders to be be a sign of exhaustion, that the slightly dimmer look to his smile was clearly out of place. What James had said must have been true if he was acting like this.

His head shook as he tried to push away those sorts of thoughts. No. The point of this was to move past all of... that. Sirius wasn't good for him right now. He was possibly the worst thing for him. Or at least that's what he kept trying to tell himself.

"... and don't forget about that paper I need handed in by the end of the week. Class dismissed."

Those words were all it took for Remus to lunge into action, ready to bolt through the door. He had just slung on his backpack when an affirmative voice made him stop dead in his tracks.

"Mr Lupin," McGonagall said. Wincing slightly, he slowly spun around to face the one teacher he felt unnerved by. If he'd ever met a person who could rival Lily's womanly power it was probably Minerva McGonagall. "May I speak with you for a moment."

Carefully, he moved to stand next to her desk. His gaze hesitantly met her own. Her eyes always reminded him of a cat's in some interesting way.

"If this is about that missing assignment, I'll get right on it. I'm sorry, I-" he started to say only to be cut off.

"What are your intents with Sirius Black?"

"Wh-what?" The question caught him off guard to say the least. He stared at his teacher in bafflement. What where his intents with... with Sirius? How does somebody even answer something like that? It's not as if he knew himself, why would McGonagall want to know too?

He shoved his hands in his pockets and lowered his gaze. What were his intents with Sirius. A few months ago he'd say it was to stay far away from him. A few weeks ago and he might have said something along the lines of starting a real relationship with him, whether platonic or romantic, he didn't know. Now, now it was like everything he thought he knew had spun out of control.

On one part he wanted to hold Sirius at a distance but on the other hand, he wanted to make sure he never left his side. He felt like he was being torn into two.

Maybe that was the problem. He was worrying too much about Sirius Black.

"I..." he started, "I don't know but I do know he isn't my top priority right now."

His professor studied him for a moment before she hummed and sat back down in her desk, neatly stacking papers. "If by that you mean you have things about yourself you need to figure out first before you figure out Sirius' place in you life, than you may go. If not..." She looked up at him with a steel gaze peeking out from her glasses. "Then I suggest you leave him alone. You don't deserve him."

A frown prodded at Remus' expression. He didn't deserve him? What was she rambling on about.

Frustratingly, he tapped his foot on the ground a few times. "Professor, if you don't mind me asking, why does any of this matter to you?"

"I care very deeply for that boy and his friends," she said without any hesitation. "I feel it my responsibility to make sure they don't get hurt. I will not stand for you to hurt them again."

Hurt them? Hurt them? They hurt him just as much?

He took a deep breath and counted to five in his head. She was just trying to help. That's all. Just a teacher worried for the well being of her students. He should not yell at her.

"I understand. Sorry to put you through the trouble." With that, he started to leave the room.

"Once upon a time, Remus, you had been one of those boys I cared about."

He froze in the door way. A faint tingle pricked at the back of his head and he quickly shook his head. Once upon a time was a time he couldn't remember. A time he found himself pathetically wanted to remember and that only made his chest seize with a painful pinch. That pinch was all the more reason to stay away from his past.

McGonagall sighed. "Now all I do is worry."

Remus grit his teeth. Pity, just like everyone else. He didn't want pity.

"Well," he forced on a fake smile. "I'm okay. You don't have to worry."

He walked out before he could hear her reply. Pulling his hood over his head, he let the smile slip off his face. He was okay. He was okay. He was okay. 

-:-

Monday - 12:38 pm

I'm sorry.

That was the start. The text he sent before looking across the room at the receiver. He watched them open the message and saw their eyes widen before passing the phone to the person beside them. When he saw they'd both seen it he started typing away again.

I didn't mean to hurt you guys. I acted before I could think, like an idiot.
I was too caught up in my own head I didn't realize it would have an effect on you both. I understand if you still want to keep your distance, I was an ass.
Sorry.

He waited for the three dots to pop up in the corner of the screen with baited breath. Without even realizing it, he had started to tap his thumb on the case of his phone. What of they didn't text back? What if they really didn't want to talk to him again? What if-

"This seat empty?"

His head snapped up, his eyes locking on the vibrant red hair across the cafeteria table from him. A small smile filled with hope stretched across his lips. "Not at all!"

Lily smiled meekly and she sat in the chair, Peter plopping down next to her. "So..." she pushed some of her lunch around with her fork. "I'm going to assume you don't want to talk about it with all these gossip vultures around?"

He nodded. Despite the insane amount of students going to their college, gossip spread faster than the common cold.

"I really am sorry." He forced himself not sink deeper in his seat at that.

"Hush!" Lily said and stuck her hand out to cover his mouth. "I don't want to hear it. Later you can give your pointless apology speech, which you don't need because we forgive you no matter what. Now, we eat."

Trying his hardest not to argue, he shook his head in agreement. It didn't stop the voice of his own conscience in the back of his head telling him that she wouldn't be saying that later when she and Pete knew what he kept from them.

The rest of lunch they ate in silence but just being around each other was all they needed. Remus tried to soak it all up knowing that come the end of the school day, he might not be their friend anymore.

-:-

"Okay. What's wrong?"

Remus barely had a second to gather his thoughts when the three of them walked into their little flat. Peter sat himself down on the couch and gestured for Remus and Lily to sit as well. He sighed but did as he was asked.

"It's... complicated." He admitted.

"We have all night," both Lil and Peter said at the same time. Their unison didn't seem to faze them.

"Promise you'll hear me out first? Before you rip my head off?" he asked.

Lily rolled her eyes. "Re, it's not like you murdered someone. Wait. You didn't murder someone did you?"

He shook his head. "No. If you want the full story this is going to take a while."

"Bring it!" Peter yelled and pumped his fists in the air. They were way too enthusiastic for such a serious conversation. He knew they were just trying to lighten the mood and it was working, somewhat.

"When I was in America, I had a girlfriend. I've told you that before but what I lied about was that I didn't break up with her..." He ducked his head, the shame and guilt hitting him in waves. "Tonks and I were out late one night and we were heading home when... when another driver hit us. She, uh, she died."

It was strange to put it so bluntly. Peter and Lily stared at him for a good few seconds. It was clear they wanted to say something but knew better than to interrupt him.

He took a shaky breath. "I was in a coma for two days. When I woke up the doctors diagnosed me with Focal Retrograde Amnesia."

"What?!" Both Lily and Peter yelled at the same time. The suddenness of it made him flinch and bring his hands up to cover his ears.

"You have amnesia!?"

"Focal retro-what?"

"Why didn't you tell us!?"

He was bombarded with questions and he shot his friends a glare. "I said hear me out before you rip my head off!"

That shut them up fast enough. He sighed and ran a hand through his hair. This is exactly what he was expecting.

"Listen, it's not like I forgot everything about my life, kay?" he explained. "The year I spent in London remained mostly untouched, probably because they were more recent memories, but everything before that, I forgot most of it. I still remember plenty, but it took me a while to sort out what was real and what was made up. I needed people to prompt me to get back all the memories I have today. It took me six weeks to remember Peter in the right way."

His mind wandered to how every time he pictured Peter there was always a different boy that would pop in his head. The doctors said it was probably one of his classmates. Now... now he knows exactly who those boys he mistook Peter for were. Sirius and James. Who knows how many memories he's replaced them for Peter.

"I was lost for a little while. That's why I moved out of my parents. They wouldn't stop pitying me and reminding me of the one thing I wish I had forgotten. When I came back to London, I wasn't thinking. I didn't tell you guys because I didn't want the same pity. I'm sorry."

It came as a shock when a pair of arms engulfed him and he pushed back against the couch by his two friends. He gasped and sputtered, confused.

"You don't have to be sorry Remus!" Lily said and hugged him tighter.

"We don't pity you Re," Peter patted his shoulder. "We wish you'd told us but you know what? It doesn't matter."

He wiped at the tears he didn't know were falling down his face when they pulled away. "It kinda does."

Both Lily and Peter frowned at that. He folded his hands in his lap. "The reason I've been avoiding everyone if because... 'cause I remembered something I'm not sure how to feel about. It... made me angry. At you guys, at Black and James, at myself.

"I realized we all used to be friends. You know, James, Black, you and I. That was... it was enough on it's own but then it made me question everything I thought I knew. Me coming out to you first, my first crush, my whole childhood. I don't... I don't know who I am anymore."

Lily sat down next to him and rested a hand on his knee. "You're you, Rem. You're past doesn't change who you are now."

He nodded weakly. His gaze slid to where Peter was standing, looking like he'd seen a ghost. Turning back to Lily, he asked her, "Can Peter and I talk. Alone."

"Sure. I'll be in my room." She walked down the hall and he waited for the click which signaled the door closing before he spoke again.

"Why didn't you bring them up ever?"

Peter looked away from him and Remus understood all too well what that look meant. He wanted answers. He knew he wouldn't get them all in one night but he needed at least this question answered.

His childhood friend, apparently not his only one, stood opposite to him and the pressure in the room seemed to build up even more. Remus could swear a minute more of this and he'd snap.

"I assumed you didn't want to talk about them." Finally Peter spoke up. "I thought something had happened and I didn't want to interfere, because... I'm a coward. I couldn't even sum up the guts to ask what was wrong. I'm sorry. I failed you as a friend.

"The worst part is you were so adamant about keeping Sirius and James a secret from your mother that of course no one would be there to prompt your memory and now because I couldn't ask you what was wrong, you're going through all this mess. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry Re."

He started to cry and Remus found himself panicking. This wasn't what his intent was.

Without hesitation, he stood up and wrapped Peter in his arms, tears escaping his own eyes. They were both at fault. All of this could have been avoided if they'd both been honest and open with each other. Merlin, what a mess they were.

Remus can't say how long he and Peter stood there, the iron grips on each other saying everything that their words couldn't. Lily came back into the room eventually and she too wordlessly joined the hug. The group only pulled away to settle themselves down in a blanket on the couch and turn on the TV, not even paying attention to the show as they passed around tissues and traded apologies.

After that, Remus could proudly say he felt a little better.

-------------------------------------------

That was that. Er, things in this story are still a little hectic but don't worry, I have a plan!

Anyways, I know it's been forever since I updated any of my other stories, to those who do read them but I decided I was going to finish this one first, then finish Demons of Oregon before going back to my regular alternating schedules between The Downhill Climb, Wolfstar Oneshots and Rivalry Mistletoe. Also, when this story is finished I might release a KiriBaku oneshots book.

I'm going to try and update this story every Sunday from now on. I think that's the best day that fits with my school and skiing schedule. 

     Stay healthy!
    Last update: 23/01/2021