sick of loosing soulmates, dodie
O4TH DECEMBER, 2019
TWENTY-TWO YEARS.

Seth knew me well, because after a few days of pondering, staring at my walls and doubting my ability to hold a decent conversation, I went to find him—trusting only my gut. It wasn't wise, and I wouldn't recommend it, but that's what I did because why not? I didn't have anything to lose, and even if I was incorrect, so what? He probably had better things to do than wait to see if I walked in—like drawing, or colouring a picture or coming up with a new concept in his comic. Yet I still wanted to see him, or at least try. Something kept me going back, whether it be in my thoughts or my actions. Something, something, something.

The nearest hospital was the one I voyaged into. I didn't know why, but it called to me. Probably because of its proximity to home, if I was being honest. I was, at heart, an extremely lazy bitch—and I'd grown to pride myself on such a fact. I couldn't help it, university drained me of a will to go on, not to mention that it was winter on top of that. The snow was growing with no signs of stopping, and if it rained ice would form. The idea made me grimace as I walked into the hospital, the smell of antibacterial hand gel slapping my face. I appreciated the hygiene, if anything.

"Uh, hi." I said to the lady at the desk. She was a fair woman, with knotted curls of wispy brown hair. Her lips were pursed into a tight smile, one which, on any other occasion, I would avoid. But for Seth, I approached it. Everything, somehow, ended up being for him. "I'm here for Seth Marken ... ?"

"Oh!" She exclaimed knowingly, shaking her head whilst her smile morphed into something genuine. A laugh escaped her lips as she examined my perplexed face. "He mentioned you a while ago, saying to keep a look out. I'm meant to give you VIP treatment, but I'm lazy so I'm not going to do that. Just tell him I did, though, 'kay?"

I chuckled lightly at the honesty of her words. "Sure." I replied as she guided me to the elevator, walking me down the corridor and to the machine that wheezed antibacterial hand gel.

"Make sure to take some."

"Sure thing." A lot came out—more than I'd anticipated. I sniffed my hands. At least it smelt like watermelon.

"Seth?" She voiced, peering round the corner. I had to jog to keep up with her quickening pace—her short legs producing a scarily fast speed as her heels clicked rhythmically against the marble floor. Fancy, I thought. Then again, Seth's parents were rich. I shouldn't have expected anything less. "Seth, sweetie, are you there? I have a visitor for you, uh—" she turned to me with a puzzled look.

"Jasper."

"Jasper!" She called out.

"Ainsley!" His voice came out from behind the sheets, those hazel eyes greeting me once more. A smile evaded his face as he patted his lap ecstatically, a pad of paper laid before him.

"Ainsley?" The woman asked, looking at me bewildered.

I shrugged. "An inside joke."

"Ah." She left soon after, explaining that I only had one hour before visiting hours ended. I hadn't realised how late I'd come, or how the night sky had blackened drastically since I'd left my apartment.

Silence filled the room, as it always did. He stared at me expectedly, with wide, piercing eyes, examining my movements as he did when we first met. "I thought you weren't going to come, you know." He licked his lips, their cracked texture faltering only slightly. His bald head gleamed against the light of the room, the moon shining through the opened window. "I'm glad you did." He shrugged nonchalantly, but I noticed the unspoken joy within his eyes. It was the same joy that he got when he drew something. That same childish passion.

I smiled. "So am I."

"Ah, there it is." Seth exhaled contently. "That smile."

"I have a specific smile now?"

He shook his head. "No, no, not that. It's just that you don't smile much, so when you do I feel the need to point it out." He spoke as if we hadn't spent five years apart, as if we'd never broken up. He spoke as if we were thirteen again, and had nestled comfortably into our own little bubble. "So," he slapped his thighs, which were slender in the baggy hospital pants. "How do you like my abode?"

I looked around, taking in the artificial lighting that amplified the cleanliness of the place. White walls and marble flooring, white sheets and white curtains: everything was utterly spotless. "Very bright."

Seth rolled his eyes, leaning forward to resume his drawing. "Sit beside me, Ainsley."

"You ever gonna call me Jasper?" I asked as I sat on the bed, feeling it bend beneath my weight.

"Nope." He said, popping the 'p'. "Can I draw you?"

I raised my brows. "You said you only draw pretty things."

"Yeah, that's why I'm asking to draw you."

"What."

"What?"

He was so nonchalant that it confused me—almost making me blush. Almost. "Uh, nothing. Nothing at all. Yeah, draw me." I mumbled, licking my lips insecurely. I didn't know how to act in his presence. I'd never known how to act in the presence of the marvellous Seth Marken.

"Wanna know something funny?" He asked as the sound of his pencil against the paper filled the silence we'd always fallen into.

"Sure."

"The day I saw you," he began, frequently glancing at my face, as though it was going to hold a different expression each time he looked. "I actually had snuck out of here."

I laughed, shaking my head. "Well that was fucking stupid."

"Well, I'm a stupid guy! Can't blame me for wanting to have some fun." He shrugged, licking his lips again. They dried quickly, and needed constant moistening, I noted. "Anyways, I got in serious trouble when I got back, Mathilda was furious!"

"Mathilda?"

"The lady who brought you here."

"Ah. She gave me VIP treatment."

He pulled a face. "Yeah, but then I told her about you and she was fine after that. Seemed that bumping into you saved me." He smiled a sad, remote smile—something that only appeared when he reminisced on the past. "You always saved me from things."

"I don't think I ever saved you, to be honest. I think that you were so convinced that I could save you that you believed it. All I was doing was just being there—anyone would've done it."

"No, not anyone. Only you, Ainsley." He placed the pencil down, staring at me once more. Those eyes of his gleamed in the moonlight, which suddenly consumed the space around us. The artificial light died down, settling into a somber darkness as the moon kissed the freckles on his face and shined against his bald scalp, lighting the brown of his eyes and shedding light on his lips—plump and soft and dry. I couldn't help but meet his eyes and stare, lost in the trance that he'd, unknowingly, casted on me.

"You gonna finish that, or?" I asked, breaking my eyes away from his own. My breathing had skipped—as had my heart—at the prolonged sight of him. Back in the day, we'd never stared at each that long. Only when we were hidden under his sheets at one in the morning, when I'd snuck in through his window. Other than that, it was only short glances from the corner of his eye.

"Oh, yeah. Yeah I will." He chuckled, shaking off out moment as if it was nothing. Perhaps it was nothing to him. Maybe it should be for me as well. "Oh! I have another fun fact."

"I doubt it's fun, but go for it."

"I'm a slow walker now!" He shook his head, feigning sadness. "I've become what I hate the most! Oh! Woe is me!"

"You're so fucking dramatic." I laughed, shaking my head loosely. My eyes met the marble floor, feeling the smile linger on my face for longer than I'd anticipated. "You've always been."

"I'm an artist. I live in the arts."

"So you do."

Silence presumed. "Hey, Ainsley?"

"Yeah?"

"One day, can you take me on an adventure? Preferably somewhere far, and soon. Just for one night, and we can stay at a hotel or something. Twin beds or joint, I don't mind and I don't care. I'll even pay, if you want. Just take me out, like you used to."

I thought about it for a while, almost wanting to say no. Why rekindle something that was long lost? But the look in his eyes—that same look when I'd first complemented his artwork of my hands—made me say yes. And once I did, he lit up like the sun, even though it was night. I couldn't help but be blinded by the sight, yet I did not look away. If this was the sacrifice I would have to pay to see that smile, then so be it.

Soon the hour passed. The night only got the darker, and with it came the rising of the moon and the twinkling of its fair companions. I wished Seth a good night, promising to return soon—after my exam, which was the following day. He nodded enthusiastically, biting his lip, his freckles lush against his skin.

"Goodbye, Ainsley." He whispered, watching me leave as he'd done the day we met. This time, I returned the gesture.

"Goodbye, Just Seth."

His smile was worth it.

It would always be worth it.