"I got a water cannon up my nose, Larry. My nose! It's not something I can let that nepo-baby son of a sea scum just get away with. How would you feel if you got water shoved straight up your nostrils-"

Lavinia watched in complete and utter agony as her coworker continued to complain to a son of Mercury about being waterboarded (splashed) with plumbing (the clean water from the drinking fountain) right in front of the target she was planning to shoot at. She slowly turned to Hazel, not doing anything in attempts to conceal her exasperation. It's been a year. Get over yourself. The curly-haired girl sent a look of tired agreement.

She leaned towards Lavinia, standing up on her tip-toes to get as close to her ear as possible. "Can I shove it up his ass instead?"

Lavinia snorted.

"Plus, aren't we all nepo-babies?" Hazel continued, gently pulling at one of the coils by her face and watching it bounce back up.

"Yeah," Lavinia whispered. "Isn't he a Mars kid?"

Hazel scoffed. "And he's a commanding officer? Boy, go home." The remains of her New Orleans accent gave her words a distinct southern drawl.

Lavinia rolled her eyes and began to load her crossbow. "If this dude doesn't move, I will shoot him."

Hazel gently pushed the weapon down. "Maybe don't do that when there are people around."

She sighed. "Good point." She turned back to the guy–she didn't care enough to learn his name–yelling, "Dude, can you move?" She enjoyed the embarrassment evident on his face as he shuffled away from her target, dragging his unused wooden spear behind him.

Before she could press the trigger, someone cleared their throat behind her. Lavinia almost whacked them with her crossbow.

"His Greatness, our lord and savior, our very beacon of hope from this cruel, dark world seeks your presence," Janice, the daughter of Janus, announced. "He wishes to be the crusty sock of a horny teenager with a cheese dick that refuses to ever use a fucking tissue."

Hazel snorted, quickly covering her mouth as Lavinia slowly blinked. "Fucking what?" Janice was silent.

Janice scoffed. "Fine. Octavian wants to see you."

"Horny teenager with a cheese dick," Hazel repeated as Janice left.

Lavinia groaned. "Pray for me."

"Don't stab him," Hazel warned.

"I might," Lavinia called as she made her way to Octavian's office.

***

Lavinia knocked on the large, bronze doors that those with imperium–military and judicial authority–all had. Octavian was a military tribune with consular power, which didn't make him too powerful, but technically made him one of the chief magistrates, and Lavinia was one of the unlucky agents under his command.

Thankfully, it was Jason–one of the other military tribunes–who answered the door. He was about to say something when Octavian shoved his way through the door like a bratty 5-year-old. "Miss Asimov, took you long enough. Perhaps next time we should work on our punctuality?"

Perhaps next time I should shove an arrow up your ass? "Right."

"Right, sir."

Lavinia gave a small, tight smile. "I think I'm good, thanks."

Octavian glared, or tried to, at least. Instead, he looked like a diseased rat with protruding beady eyes ready to fall out of his eye sockets, which was definitely not the right image to have in mind when someone was glaring at you.

At her indifference, he cleared his throat, trying to pretend the last five seconds never happened. Fucking loser.

"I have summoned you here for a mission." No shit. "There is a... creature that is ransacking an old warehouse." Wow, she loved all the valuable information she was getting, like what type of creature this was. Octavian seemed to think this plethora of information was enough, since he provided no further details. Cheese dick.

She looked at Jason, who was kind enough to actually be helpful. "It's an anthropophagus. We're guessing that he's rogue since they don't usually eat humans alone–"

"Wait, back up. An anthro- what?"

Octavian rolled his eyes. "Your insolence amazes me." And your obsession with stuffed toys sickens me. "An anthropophagus is a race of cannibalizing monsters with a head that grows where your collarbone is. Now, tell me, how exactly did you manage to get this job?"

Jason glared at her to shut up before she could bite back at him.

"It ate someone already?" she asked.

"It ate four people already," Jason said. "It seems to have moved on quickly and is going through the warehouse. We don't know what he's looking for. For all we know, he could just want to find another person to eat."

Lavinia's eyes widened. "Oh."

"We believe this is a one-person job."

Jason quickly turned to Octavian. "What are you talking about? It ate four fully armed guards." Lavinia was keen to agree with this sentiment.

"Mortal guards."

"That doesn't matter," Jason said through gritted teeth. "It's clearly strong, so there should be no problem with sending three people."

Octavian barked a laugh. Ugh, like nails on a chalkboard. "Three people? Mr. Grace, I understand if you find yourself to be weak, but I'm sure Miss Asimov is capable."

"If she's so capable then she'd need someone to stand guard."

"Then one person."

Lavinia wasn't one for superstitions, but even she raised a brow at the thought. "You can't have a quest with two people. It's either one or three."

Jason nodded. "Then I say that's final. Three. People."

"May I remind you, Grace," Octavian spat. "This is not your mission to give. However, I am willing to compromise on the number of people. You can bring two nature spirits."

"Nature spirits? Are you fucking kidding me? I mean, yeah, they're pretty strong too but why can't I take along another demigod? So many of them have years of hands-on experience and we've all been trying out the new armaments and fighting styles-"

"Miss Asimov," Octavian interrupted her, speaking at an obnoxiously slow pace, "We have demigods on other missions, and frankly it is not your place to worry about such trivial things." He paused to smile like a passive-aggressive teacher. "Since you seem to have these worries, I'll choose these nature spirits for you."

"That won't be necessary," Lavinia said, using all of her power to not throttle him.

"And that is a sentiment I disagree with, Miss Asimov." He gave a wicked grin. "I suggest Don the faun. And maybe one of the new naiad recruits–"

"Poison Oak." Jason glared at Octavian and Lavinia's depression was cured as she watched him sink. No one wants to be on the receiving end of a glare that cold, especially if it's from a child of Jupiter. "They're a new recruit and has proven to be quite good at their job. They'd be perfect here. Wouldn't you agree, Octavian?" The threat was clear in his voice. Lavinia decided to be petty and give Octavian a sweet, indulgent grin.

He cleared his throat. "Yes, Poison Oak will be fine." He looked back at Lavinia, his face about two shades paler. "I'll send messengers to get the other recruits, please await further directions in the Central Grounds."

***

Lavinia did not like waiting.

She tapped her foot on the ground, thinking of her last dance routine while chewing a fresh piece of strawberry bubblegum. She must have looked hopeless standing alone for ten minutes judging from the sad smiles Frank gave her as he passed her twice in the span of ten minutes she had been waiting.

Finally, after another ten minutes, Octavian showed up, in his awful white toga that he insisted on wearing that was a solid three sizes too large and kept slipping off his right shoulder, which was something Lavinia didn't want to see. It made her finally understand school dress codes. And also why she identified as a lesbian.

Despite all this, his presence was acceptable because Lavinia was sure that anthro-whatever had eaten another two people in the time she spent sitting there.

One of the best things about Octavian was how Lavinia got exactly zero additional information about the monster she was going to be fighting or this "new recruit dryad" whose name she'd instantly forgotten. Instead, he just said, "Gather your weaponry and get in the car," with a glorious sneer.

"What about- wait, what do you call your quest partners if one of them is a deranged half goat and the other is a dryad?"

Octavian shot her a glare. "Your questions are irrelevant. Get in the car," he repeated.

As much as Lavinia wanted to further pry and annoy, she decided against it. Octavian seemed tense, and not in a way she found amusing. She had a feeling that further pressing his extremely tempting buttons would leave her without a job, and in this economy she will take that paycheck and the benefits from all the gruesome monsterhunting, thank you very much (gods bless that practically free healthcare, amen or whatever the fuck). She kept her lack of medical bills in mind as she got in the makeshift army truck, where Don already sat, wearing a load of armor completely wrong.

He gasped when he saw her. "Lavinia! I have a favor to ask you," he said with a wicked grin.

She laughed, rhythmically tapping her fingers on her legs. "That's so funny. No."

"Yeah, that's probably for your own good."

As much as Lavinia adored this dumbass faun, he was still, in fact, a dumbass. He didn't really do much when it comes to things like being productive or doing his job or generally being helpful. For this mission, she knew that he would probably end up running away or getting hurt. She prayed to whichever one of the gods actually gave some semblance of a shit that whoever this dryad was knew what they were doing, because Lavinia was fucking terrified.

Four people, she thought. It's already killed four people–probably more by now. I'd need to get the high ground somehow or else nothing I do will be helpful. How would I get the high ground? Her fingers were tapping faster as she wracked her brain for a solution, but strategizing was never one of her strengths.

Thankfully, her thoughts were interrupted by someone opening the door, and quietly sitting beside Don. They had green skin and bright red hair that looked like thick leaves–the dryad.

"Well, howdy," he said, smiling much wider. "How would you like to give me a few spare dollars?"

Lavinia snorted as the dryad said, "Um, I'm good. Thanks."

Don continued to grin. "Yeah, that's smart."

The dryad shot him an uncomfortable glance before shifting away from the faun. They looked up at Lavinia, whispering a soft "hi."

"Lavinia," she said, sticking out her hand. "It's nice to meet you."

The dryad shook with a gloved hand. She hadn't noticed it before, but they seemed to be completely covered. They wore a jacket, boxing pants, and gloves, yet no armor. "Poison Oak." Yeah, that'll do it.

"I'm Don," said Don. "The faun. But you knew that already! You also know that I don't get paid." Lavinia did her best to hold in her laugh as Poison Oak slowly blinked. "I have no home," he said with a fake sniffle. "And I need money." Nothing that just came out of his mouth was true.

"Damn," Poison Oak said. "I could've sworn you said the same thing... yesterday, wasn't it?"

"Yes, I believe so."

"And yet I found you five minutes later whining about wanting to go back to said non-existent home?"

"Yep," the faun said with a wide grin, clearly not even trying to see the problem.

Lavinia snorted. "What a hard life you have." Don gave a solemn nod. "I'll give you a soda can, or something."

Don looked like he was about to cry, but Lavinia was unable to see such a glorious thing since the truck spurred into action.

A small PSA on demigod transportation: it's like going on a hundred launched and looping roller coasters after eating an undercooked hot dog from a stand on the side of the road in Brooklyn–and not one of the good shitty hot dog stands. Or, in other words, your insides have been flipped and the world is spinning and you feel like you will vomit–if it's your first time, you probably will. In Lavinia's opinion, the only thing worse than these rides were shadow traveling (she'd done it once on a mission with Nico di Angelo, and she had no intention of ever doing it again).

Thankfully, even Don seemed to have been fine with the transport, so they quickly gathered their things. Lavinia strapped a bundle of arrows to her back and Don armed himself with a crumbled CVS receipt. She glanced at the dryad, who had simply removed the sweater and gloves they wore, there was hardly any protection aside from a breast plate. It worried Lavinia, but Jason had chosen this dryad, and he seemed to have complete confidence in them. And even though it was her whole personality to say something, today Lavinia would hold her tongue, despite the anxiety running through her veins giving her the need to fidget and stim.

The army truck drove away, revealing an old warehouse with two bloodied guards on the floor. One had a gun in hand with an abdomen sliced open and what seemed to be bite marks on the top of the neck, where the guard lacked a head. The other was not beheaded, but there was a gaping hole in her cheek and bite marks along her whole body, blood pooling around her. In one hand, she held a knife, in the other a baton.

Lavinia's heart was racing. They both tried to defend themselves. She looked at Don, who had paled and looked like he was going to throw up, and Poison Oak who simply took labored breaths and averted their gaze.

She could hear something banging from inside the warehouse, and Lavinia did not want to be the next meal for this monster. She didn't want anyone to be its next meal.

She loaded her crossbow and said, firmly, "Ready?"

Poison Oak cracked their knuckles (holy shit, that scared Lavinia. Why the fuck does a plant person have bones, they're plants! She now has so many questions on dryad anatomy, all of which had answers she'd most likely be afraid of). "Yeah," they said, their voice sure and steady.

"Yeah sure," Don squeaked. "I mean, not actually, but I need to get paid." Lavinia appreciated his honesty.

"Alright then." She drew the crossbow back, snapping the mechanism into place. "Let's go."

*this is our baby please handle with love and care <3*