June 15, 2014

Ashley smiled over the smell of freshly cooked chocolate chip pancakes. They reminded her of the first time she ever met Braden, sitting in Mama Edna's diner eleven years ago. It seemed like a different life to her. She was shy and reserved and Braden came walking into her life like a tornado, throwing her around and putting her somewhere she never thought she'd be. But that's what love was like to her, a natural disaster that shifted her whole world around and giving it meaning.

She put the pancakes on a plate and sat down at the counter over a cup of coffee—far better than the cup that Edna's served. She closed her eyes and brought herself back to those times after she had taken that first step into that relationship with Braden. After that second day, she found herself spending more and more time with him, even laughing with him. Their first date, they went to a park down the road from the diner. She enjoyed the quietness of the scene. They talked about everything from their middle names to the rest of their family. They talked about their favorite movies and books (though Braden admitted he didn't read much). After they got past the icebreakers, which apparently were very personal stories about their lives, they learned they got along well and saw one another every day after that.

"Earth to Ashley," a deep voice whispered in her ear. She opened her eyes and saw the most beautiful man standing in front of her. He was standing in his pajamas, it was Sunday, after all, looking purely breathtaking. The warmth of the North Carolina sun shone through the windows and brought a light about him, making him into somewhat of a Godly figure. It was nine in the morning, but looking at him made her day.

"Hello beautiful," he smiled, his perfectly white teeth contrasted his darkened skin from being out in the sun every chance he could. "Breakfast smells amazing."

She laughed, "I hope you'll find it as yummy as it smells."

"What'd you make?" he wanders over to the stove where a plate is being warmed, holding a stack of about six pancakes. "Are these blueberry?"

"Chocolate chip," she admitted, sheepishly.

He groaned, "God, I love you." He took one off of the plate with his hands and took a bite. He turned back to her, "This is going to make me sick."

"I hope not," she got off of the chair and stood up on her toes to plant a kiss on his lips, "Happy anniversary."

He smiled into the kiss and pulled her closer with his other hand. "Happy anniversary, wife. He slipped something into her back pocket that she hadn't noticed that he was holding. It was small and round. She pursed her lips, trying to figure out what it was.

"You didn't have to get me anything."

"I know."

She reached into her pocket and pulled out a ring. It was white gold and had a beautiful, oval cut emerald in the middle of it. Engraved in the band were the date June 15, 2004, and a heart. She smiled. "This better not be a replacement for my wedding band."

"It's not." He took it from her and slipped it onto the ring finger of her right hand. "I just thought it was pretty and would match your eyes."

She laughed, "It's beautiful; thank you."

"No, you're beautiful. That's just a nice accessory."

She rolled her eyes and pushed him away from her a little bit, blushing. It was amazing to her that even after ten years of marriage that he was still so romantic. "Your present isn't here yet, so you're going to have to wait."

He took another bite of the pancake in his hand, "I thought breakfast was my gift."

She smiled deviously, "Nope."

As if on cue, the doorbell rang. Ashley smiled, "I'll get it. You, eat." She pulled away from him and he laughed. She walked into the foyer and pulled open the door, smiling at the person standing on the porch.

"And I thought Kentucky was hot..." she muttered and walked in the doorway. She threw her arms around Ashley and laughed, "Hey, Ashley!"

Ashley listened for a response she knew was going to come from the kitchen.

"Oh hell no!"

The two girls in the foyer laughed simultaneously. They listened to Braden as he stomped from the kitchen to where they were standing. "Why?"

She pulled away from Ashley and wrapped her arms around her brother, "Hey, Braden. Nice to see you, too."

He rolled his eyes and hugged her back with one arm, "Hi, Brandi."

The three of them stood in the foyer for a while, asking how Brandi's drive was, and catching up on everything they missed. After a while, they let Brandi settle in and Ashley and Braden made their way to the living room to lounge on the couch.

"Well, that was a nice surprise," Braden admitted begrudgingly. "Anyone else coming that I should know about?"

"I asked Brittany to come but she gave the usual excuse. Just Brandi this time."

Braden wrapped his arm around Ashley, "Today was supposed to be about us. I wanted to have the whole house to do whatever I wanted to you wherever I wanted to do it."

She laughed, "Let's limit that to the bedroom tonight, yeah?"

Brandi bounded into the room, "Yes, please." She threw herself into the armchair next to the couch and sighed, "I'm really tired but I don't know if I should sleep."

"You've been driving all night. No one will blame you if you want to take a power nap. When you wake up, we can head down to the beach."

She smiled, "That sounds like fun." She got up, stretched and yawned. She waved goodbye and headed upstairs.

Ashley snuggled closer to Braden, "So, until then, what do you want to do?"

He shrugged and put his arm around her shoulders. "We could watch a movie?"

The doorbell rang again. Ashley groaned, "Just when I thought we could be alone." She pushed herself off of the couch and headed for the door, swinging it open. Speak of the devil. Standing there, in all her feminine beauty, was Brittany. Behind her, David, her husband, was unloading their daughter out of the car. She was ten months old and had the prettiest blue eyes in the world. It ran in Braden's family, having blue eyes that captured your soul. It was impossible for anyone who met her not to fall in love with those eyes.

"Brittany," Ashley gasped. She smiled politely. "I'm sorry, I wasn't expecting you." She stepped outside and hugged her, pulling away quickly as David approached. Emma squirmed in her dad's arms; she liked to be held facing forward.

Braden appeared behind her and smiled, "Tricked me again, Ash."

Brittany shook her head, "No, I told her we weren't coming." She hugged Braden quickly, "Happy anniversary, little bro."

"Thank you." Ashley made her way to David and gave him an awkward side-hug and Braden shook his free hand. "It's nice to see y'all. Come on in, I can get the bags."

Fortunately for Ashley and Braden, they had a beautiful four-bedroom, two-story house with a finished basement and an attached garage. The house sat beautifully on the beach, looking out over the ocean on Carolina Beach. Further down the road were houses for tourists, so they weren't bothered too much by the business of the area.

Braden gathered the things out of the back of their car while Brandi walked, somewhat irritated by the interruption, down the stairs. She chirped right up when they walked in the door. "No way!" she bounded down the stairs and passed everyone. She held out her arms for Emma and took her from David, smiling brightly. "Hey baby girl!" she crooned over the baby, her excitement visible on every part of her face.

"Nice to see you, too," Brittany rolled her eyes.

Brandi scoffed, "Oh, hush. I'm excited to see you. I'm just happier to see you," she tapped Emma on the nose and kissed her cheeks several times. Emma smiled and then cooed. David and Braden brought the bags upstairs while the girls headed into the kitchen.

"Coffee?" she offered and grabbed two cups out of the cupboard. She poured each of them a cup and put the pot back on the warmer.

Emma babbled in Brandi's arms, temporarily appeased with facing Brandi and not the rest of the room. Brittany smiled, "She's going to be eleven months soon. Where does the time go?"

Ashley often wondered the same thing. It felt like only yesterday, she was getting married on the beach, right here in North Carolina. Now, it was ten years and all of the time she spent with him seemed like a blink of an eye.

Ashley took a sip of her coffee and watched Brandi and Emma go back and forth with noises, one would laugh and the other would thrill in a scream.

Brittany faced Ashley and smiled, hopeful, "You know, you and Brady have been together for a while now. When're y'all going to have one?"

Ashley's smile faded and she winced, the memories rushing back faster than she could stop them.

****

September 9, 2005

She paced the bathroom back and forth. She knew she was going to throw up, but she didn't want to. Like, really didn't want to. Being pregnant was really hard on her. She couldn't keep anything down and her doctor told her that everything was going to be fine, morning sickness was common in pregnant women.

He instructed that she eat foods that had a lot of water in them, apples, oranges, vegetables. She drank water every chance that she could to stay hydrated. But nothing stayed down.

Braden knocked on the bathroom door. "Ashley, are you okay?"

"Yeah," she lied but kept pacing. The movement made her sick, but standing still was worse. Maybe she should just—

She rushed to the toilet and threw up; she didn't feel any better.

Braden opened the door and held her hair back and she hovered over the toilet. He shushed her soothingly and rubbed her back. That helped.

She groaned, "God, if I would have known being pregnant, was this horrible..."

He chuckled next to her, "You still would have had a baby, right?"

She rolled her eyes, "Yeah, I would have." She leaned back into him and sighed. "I'm sorry, that was gross." He only shrugged and flushed the toilet. He helped her to her feet and she walked over to the sink to rinse out her mouth and brush her teeth. This had been the third time today where she had to rush away from something because her stomach hurt so bad. She sighed and put her head in her hands, "I feel horrible."

He smiled, "Just imagine how great you're going to feel when we have this baby."

She rolled her eyes, "Yeah, after I push a big baby out of a hole in a very uncomfortable spot on my body. I'll probably rip some skin and—"

He pushed his lips to hers to shut her up, "Stop talking. You're going to kick ass, and we're going to be great parents, do you hear me?" She nodded and put her head on his. They stood like that until her feet hurt and he carried her to bed.

In the middle of the night, she rolled out of bed and cried out in pain. She crawled to the bathroom, expecting to be sick soon but before she made it all the way there, she passed out from the pain. Nearly twenty minutes later, she woke up violently and screamed. Tears streamed down her face.

"Ashley?!" Braden called, half asleep. She heard him get out of bed and run around to where the bathroom was. She curled up into a ball and sobbed. Everything hurt so bad. "Oh my God," his voice broke. He rushed to the linen closet and pulled out a towel. He wrapped it around her waist and grabbed a blanket from the bed and wrapped that around her too. He carried her to the car, started it, ran back inside for a pair of shoes and drove to the hospital.

The whole ride, she writhed in pain and screamed. She slammed her fist on the dashboard all the while Braden went almost one hundred down the freeway, begging for a police officer to pull him over and escort him there.

He made it there in one piece, pulled into the emergency driving lane and ran around to her door. He pulled her out and walked her into the hospital, calling for someone to help his wife. She screamed and passed out again by the time the nurse at the front desk quickly phoned a doctor and ran to where Braden was coming in the front door.

"What's happened?"

"I don't know! I woke up and she was bleeding and screaming. She passed out twice."

The nurse nodded, "Is she pregnant?"

Braden nodded, "Yeah, is the baby going to be okay? Is my wife going to be okay?" he clutched her closer to his chest even though another nurse was coming with a gurney to take her to a doctor.

"Let's get her to a doctor," was all she said and helped lower Ashley onto the gurney. They took her to the back, away from Braden. The nurse at the front handed him some paperwork to fill out, which he did quickly and asked repeatedly if he could go back and stand with Ashley.

"I'm sorry, sir, but you can go back once you speak to a doctor."

"I don't want to wait until I've spoken to a doctor. I want to see my wife."

A man cleared his throat behind him, "Are you Mr. Tannen?"

He nodded, "How is she?" He took a step closer to the man—the doctor, he assumed. The doctor held up his hands and closed his eyes.

"Sir, we'd like to take you to your wife now. My team and I have done everything we could, but, unfortunately, there's been some... complications."

"Where is she?" he demanded. The doctor gestured to the door leading to the back and walked quickly in front of Braden, taking him to where Ashley was hooked up to an IV, lying unconscious in a hospital bed. "What are the complications? Is she going to be alright?"

"Sir, your wife is going to be just fine. She had some trauma and there was an issue with the baby. It seems that, even though she conceived the baby, she is not able to have children. Her body seems to be rejecting the baby. Now, we would like to keep her here in the hospital for a few days to see if there are any changes, but I'm afraid that if your wife continues with the delivery of the baby, she will die."

Braden looked at his wife, asleep in the bed, oblivious to everything around her. He remembered her being so happy when she found out that she was going to have his baby. She wanted that more than anything in the world, to pass on his last name to another human—a human he had helped create. This human would carry on his legacy like he had done for his father. He smiled at her sleeping figure, recollecting the joy she had in her eyes when she told him. He remembered being happy, too. Too happy for words, even. They sat there staring at one another like they were children finding out that they were going to Disney World.

"What does this mean?"

"Well, you have a few options. If there are no changes and the rest of the pregnancy is normal, then she may deliver the baby with the risk of losing her own life. You may think about aborting the baby, or, in the worst case, she would have to deliver a stillborn."

He nodded, weighing his options. "What's the chance that both she and the baby will survive?"

The doctor followed his gaze to Ansley, still sound asleep. "Slim to none." He paused for a second and put his hand on Braden's shoulder. "I'm so sorry." He turned and walked out of the door before Braden could drill him with any more scenarios that were impossible.

He walked over to where Ashley laid in her bed. He grabbed her hand and scooted his chair closer to her bed. Her breathing calmed him down a little bit, thinking back to when they were younger and she would fall asleep next to him on the couch in his father's house. Or she would fall asleep outside under the stars in the bed of his truck. His heart broke a little bit, thinking about losing that silly girl who would dance around to the sound of the music on the radio. He put his head on her arm and cried, not sure what he should do. How could he live without her? Yet how could she live knowing that she could never give him the thing he wanted the most from her. At least, that's what she thought he had wanted.

"Braden?" her voice was concerned, heavy with sleep. He glanced up into her eyes, those damn green eyes that tore him apart every time he looked into them. God, this woman was the most beautiful woman in the world, and he was so lucky to call her his wife. How was he ever going to tell her the news that would break her heart and crush her spirit?

His heart sank.

"Baby, what's wrong?" She lifted her hand and she pressed her palm to his face. He leaned into it and sighed.

"Ash, there's something I have to tell you. It's about this baby."

He took a second to collect his thoughts, then told her everything. He told her about the blood, how there was so much blood. He told her about the car ride, where she could barely keep her eyes open and every ten minutes, she would scream in agony. He told her about how the doctor didn't think that both of them would live. He told her that she was going to have to make a choice, but his mind was already made.

Her heart sunk as the words poured from his lips. She couldn't have children. Why not? Why was she able to conceive if she couldn't have them? Why her? Why? There were so many questions floating around in her head. She wanted to speak to a doctor, but she couldn't move and she felt like she couldn't breathe.

After a long silence, she swallowed, "Oh."

At first, her thought was to save herself. To get this baby as far away from her as possible. This first initial thought was so brief, it barely registered that she was thinking at all. But after a half a second, the thought left her, and her maternal instinct kicked in. She moved her hand to her stomach, knowing deep within her heart what she had to do.

"Ashley?" Braden stared at her hand. "You can't be serious."

"Of course I'm serious, Braden. This baby is going to be the best thing that has ever happened to us. And—"

"No," he interrupted. "You are the best thing that's ever happened to me. If having this baby means that I lose you, I'm not going to stand for it." He stood up and clutched her face in his hands. "Look at me," she did. "I am not going to lose you, that's not an option."

And she cried. And cried over the loss of her child. She carried the baby inside of her for as long as she could, but just as the doctor had told them, by the seventh month, more complications arose and they lost their baby. But Ashley lost more, for she had lost a piece of her heart—her heart that she buried in the backyard in a box with a blue baby blanket and a pacifier. They marked the spot with a huge rock as a reminder of the best thing that ever happened to them.

****

Ashley smiled politely, recovering from her memory, "I guess we're just not ready to introduce a kick-ass baby to the world yet." She laughed, "The world's just not ready."

Brittany waved her hand and laughed, "Right, I should have known."

She cleared her throat, hoping to move the conversation in a different direction. "Well, anyway, it's been so long since I've seen you guys. What's new with y'all?"

Brittany smiled, "Nothing really. David is amazing, as usual. He got promoted at the police station. He was just a deputy, now he's an officer! It's that amazing?" Brandi tuned into the conversation and agreed with Ashley, saying that it was great news. She made a mental note to congratulate him later. The girls sat down at the bar in the kitchen. Brandi put Emma down on the counter, her feet dangling off. Brandi played peek-a-boo with her for a solid half an hour before the men finally came back downstairs and snuck into the living room to watch football. Ashley rolled her eyes as Brittany continued to talk about all of the things that were going on in her life.

Around noon, Brandi complained that she was hungry.

"Damn, I totally forgot to go grocery shopping," Ashley grunted and rubbed her temples with her fingers. "I don't have any food here."

Brittany smiled, "No worries. We can go out. Know any good places?"

At that same moment, the men returned to the kitchen, complaining about needing food. "I know a few," Ashley admitted.

The six of them got into two cars, Ashley, Braden, and Brandi got into Ashley's Jeep Wrangler, and David, Brittany, and Emma drove behind them in their brand-spanking-new Ford Taurus—supposedly a gift from the police force. When they finally reached the restaurant for lunch, Emma was starting to get ornery, too, making their eat-out a little shorter than expected.

Back at the house, Brittany put Emma down for a nap and the five of them sat outside on the porch sipping wine and sunbathing.

"So, Ashley," Brittany began. There was a smug look on her face, "Do you and Braden plan to go out tonight for your anniversary?"

She shrugged, "I didn't really think about it. After nine anniversaries, you kind of run out of ideas."

Everyone laughed. Braden leaned over and whispered into Ashley's ear, "You know, we could always skip dinner and go to a hotel for the night. I trust that they're not going to destroy the house too much."

Ashley bit her lip to hide a smile, "Don't be so sure. Brandi's always been a little rowdy."

His lips brushed against her ear and he placed a kiss just below it on her neck, sending chills down her back, regardless of the heat outside. "Well, I guess we're just going to have to wait until they leave."

She internally groaned and then quickly moved her hand to grab the side of Braden's face. She pulled it down to hers and placed a kiss on his lips, perhaps with too much tongue considering the company that they were with.

"Woo, Braden! Get it," David hollered, causing Ashley to blush and laugh, pulling away from him. She was definitely going to have to reconsider the hotel tonight. It did sound like a great idea.

After a few more hours of bathing in the sun, drinking wine, and getting hopelessly drunk—at least Brandi and Brittany were—they headed inside. Braden turned on football, not to listen to, but for noise in the background and sat next to Ashley on the loveseat. Brandi played with Emma on the floor of the living room, creating a huge mess, while Braden and Ashley cuddled up close and shared a quiet conversation.

"You know, Brittany asked me earlier why we haven't had a baby." The thought was bothering her. She wanted so bad to be able to give that to him, but could not. Being reminded of her failure seemed to make it worse. She put her hand on her stomach where their child had been.

"What did you say?" Braden looked deep into her eyes, seeing the memories play behind them.

"I told her that the world wasn't ready for our baby yet. That he or she would be too kick-ass." He snorted and then glanced around to see if anyone had been listening to their conversation. David joined his daughter on the floor with Brandi and Brittany was too busy taking pictures to even notice that they were talking.

"Where it's true, our baby would be pretty... 'kick-ass', don't you think you should have told her the truth?"

She shrugged, "I probably should have, but I don't know how to talk about it without it changing how she sees me. People always treat you differently when they feel sorry for you."

He glanced at his sister, sitting on the couch. "I think she would be more understanding than you think. In a lot of ways, you two have a lot in common. She lost her mother too at a young age, and then her second mom had died shortly after that, too. I don't doubt that Brittany is familiar with the concept of loss."

"But Brandi?" her voice lowered a little bit.

"Brandi adores you. She loves how much you love me, and she respects you for staying with me, even with my fucked-up family history."

"Ditto."

He nodded once, not wanting to rehash that discussion. They had talked about Ashley's past so much, it was almost as if Braden were there, watching the whole thing happen from the outside. He absolutely despised Charlie for the things he did to his daughter, but he couldn't decide if he blamed her mother for leaving more or her father for acting foolishly after he lost his wife.

He put his head on hers and sighed, "Ashley, I absolutely adore you. Do you remember our first time?"

She smiled, "I was absolutely terrified."

"Not because you thought that I wasn't going to be pleased with you, but you were afraid that I was going to be just like your father, taking advantage of you and then dumping you aside." He pulled away to look into her eyes again, "And you shocked the shit out of me when you agreed to let me in your bed. And knowing what I knew about you, I saw that you were the most self-sacrificing person in the whole world, to put yourself in such an uncomfortable situation to make me happy. I thought I loved you before then, but that was the most I'd ever loved you."

Ashley glanced at their company, still oblivious to their conversation. Emma was screeching in excitement. There were so many new people to look at and play with, she could hardly contain her ecstasy.

"Did you know that Brandi was raped by a man named Mark Valentine when she was younger?"

"No."

Braden got serious as he watched his sister, "Brandi was dating a boy named Mark. He came over to the house, met our family, and we had accepted and approved of him. After a few short months, Mark continued to come back to the house, he was beginning to be a part of our family. After a while, he stopped showing up, made himself really scarce. Brandi was acting differently, too. Everyone thought that the two of them just broke up.

"What happened was, one night, while everyone was asleep, Brandi snuck out and was going to go for a drive with Mark through the city. He promised her a view of the city at night and Brian was too much of an asshole to let her go, so she snuck out and went with him. He didn't take her to the city. He took her back to his house, his parents weren't home, and he sexually assaulted her before driving her home and never coming back."

Ashley blinked. The more you know... She was starting to fall into that place, the part where she pities Brandi for the things that happened to her, started being nicer to her and seeing her in a different light.

"Why didn't I know that?"

"People always treat you differently when they feel sorry for you."

Ashley peeled her eyes away from her sister-in-law and stared deep into Braden's eyes. "So you think that I should tell them because they're going to understand?"

"Brittany knows what it's like to lose someone you love, and Brandi knows what it's like to have something taken from her that she'll never get back. I think they should know. After all, it's been nine years."

Nine years. Wow. It didn't seem that long to her. It only felt like it was yesterday when she was pregnant with her baby boy. She wondered if she would ever get that feeling again, the feeling of being a mother, the responsibility that comes with it, and the unconditional love that begins to form inside of every part of your body. It was amazing being a mother, having the capability of loving someone more than you love your spouse, or even yourself.

Ashley wondered how her mother could just walk away from her. She imagined Brittany leaving Emma in a pack-and-play alone and never coming back. How could she live with herself if she knew that she would never see her daughter again, or if her daughter had died because she was too selfish to care for her? How could she? Ashley couldn't see that happening to Emma, ever. But for some reason, her mother had just up and left, making her life a miserable hell. Was she really that dispensable?

She swallowed and thought deeply for a second about how much she hated her mother. She leaned into Braden to remind herself that it was all in the past and she was dead to her. It didn't matter anymore. And after a few short moments, she drifted off to sleep, dreaming of being a better mother than her mother had ever been.