Marinette

Normally, I'm a very shy, clumsy girl. But not when I'm Ladybug, or when I'm performing. Yes, I sing. A little. Okay, a lot. Alya found out last week, I have no clue how she missed it, I am literally humming things all the time, and she encouraged me to sign up for the talent show. Well, not really a talent show, more like a bunch of performances put on by students in front of Jagged Stone, the Mayor and a 'special guest' which is always Chloe (big surprise). So now, I'm backstage, in my outfit and going through the lyrics of the song I'm about to sing.

After two years of my crush on Adrien, I overheard him talking about how much he loves a girl. She's brave, witty, strong, graceful, smart, fierce and fiery. Which I am not. So, obviously I'm heartbroken, but I keep my emotions in check to avoid an akuma. But the song I'm about to sing will help me find closure. I hope. He's going to be in the audience somewhere.

Glancing nervously down at my outfit one last time, I sigh in relief as it's not dirty. It's an innocent white dress, with a flare-out skirt, tight bodice and sweetheart neckline, and two pieces of silk which I attached to the sides, with a loop for my fingers. It gives the illusion of wings. My hair is curled and I have light makeup everywhere but my eyes. Alya insisted on dramatic eyeliner, mascara and eye-shadow and I ended up with a smokey eye look with long wings and my lashes are curled and she even put false lashes on me. It would definitely highlight my blue eyes and contrast with my dress, though. I'll have to thank her later. My new white ballet shoes provide me with strength and grace, possibly even more than my Ladybug mask. Maybe I should wear ballet flats more often. It would probably help me against Chloe, and with Adrien. Who am I kidding, I have no chance with Adrien anymore.

The curtain closes and Juleka walks offstage, smiling briefly at me. I return the smile before walking to the centre of the stage. Calming my beating heart with a breath, I look down, letting the blinding white spotlight make my dress glitter. I wish I could thank Max and Nathanael for letting me use the brightest spotlight, and turning off all the other lights in the auditorium. 

"Was 27, surviving my return of Saturn
A long vacation didn't sound so bad
Was full of secrets, locked up tight like Iron Mountain
Running on empty, so out of gas

Thought I wasn't enough
Found I wasn't so tough
Laying on the bathroom floor
We were living on a fault line
And I felt the fault was all mine
Couldn't take it anymore." 

As I sing, I move across the stage gracefully, bending my knees and dipping every now and then. All of my classmates are shocked, I can tell from their expressions. Ha. Clumsy old Marinette has all the grace of a ballerina. I don't let my amusement show on my face, only expressing sorrowful strength.

"By the grace of God
There was no other way
I picked myself back up
I knew I had to stay
I put one foot in front of the other
And I looked in the mirror
And decided to stay
Wasn't gonna let love take me out that way." 

I catch Alya's sympathetic look before she glares at the back of Adrien's head. She's so protective, so much like my own sister that I send her a sad smile and I sing the next verse.

"I thank my sister for keeping my head above the water
When the truth was like swallowing sand
Now every morning, there is no more mourning
Oh I can finally see myself again." 

Alya grins at me as I twirl, allowing my old instincts to take over. Only this time, I have no mask as I slowly dance across the stage. I can practically hear the questions now - When did you do ballet, Marinette? Ha. I didn't always just design and bake.

"I know I am enough
Possible to be loved
It was not about me
Now I have to rise above
Let the Universe call the bluff
Yeah, the truth will set you free." 

This song by Katy Perry feels like it was made for me - I know Nathanael likes me still, and Chat likes my Ladybug side (which is probably coming out now that I'm performing).

"By the grace of God
There was no other way
I picked myself back up
I knew I had to stay
I put one foot in front of the other
And I looked in the mirror
And decided to stay
Wasn't gonna let love take me out

That way, no
That way, no
Not in the name of love, In the name of love
That way, no
That way, no
I am not giving up." 

Tears are beginning to prick at my eyes, but I can't cry onstage. I can feel the stare of Adrien, of Nino and Alya, of Chloe and Jagged Stone and Mayor Bourgeois, but only one stare would ever be understanding. Chat's. He would understand. Now, all I really want is his warm embrace, but not as Ladybug, as Marinette. As me. We both got heartbroken, we were friends because of that mutual understanding. I need his hug again. Ugh, I thought I was past this, but nope.

"By the grace of God
I picked myself back up
I put one foot in front of the other
And I looked in the mirror

By the grace of God
There was no other way
I picked myself back up
I knew I had to stay
I put one foot in front of the other
And I looked in the mirror
And decided to stay
Wasn't gonna let love take me out that way."

The music fades out as I fold myself down on the floor of the stage, panting ever so slightly. My tears overflowed the slightest, but eventually I find it in me to stand and bow, before walking off stage to let it bleed. 

I almost miss the deafening applause as I straighten my back to go let myself cry alone. I almost miss the tears in Alya's eyes as she screams "That's my girl!" and the proud look on Nino's face and Chloe's soft, sympathetic look (OH MY GOD WHAT?!) and Jagged Stone's whoops and the Mayor's loud claps and... Adrien's teary face... as he excuses himself from the show... Holy crap did I make him cry?! I did not mean to make him cry!

No Marinette, you will not go after him. While he needs a friend, he does not need the shy, stuttering Marinette bugging him. Instead you'll go to the park, sit in your favourite place, and cry as much as you like.

I quickly text Alya where I've gone before I vanish from the show.

Adrien

I know she sang that about me, it's so clear now, but I can't help but still love Ladybug. As much as I wish I could return Marinette's feelings, I can't. Finding myself outside, I run until I can't breathe, finding myself at the park. And I scream.

I scream because the one girl who I was sure was truly in love with me wouldn't get my feelings in return. I scream because damn Ladybug for making me fall for her, deeper and deeper every time we meet, until there was no room for the girl who would return my feelings with equal or more affection. I scream because it's so frustrating that I love Ladybug too much to hate her, because it's her fault that I can't love Marinette but it's entirely my fault for falling in the first place.

Faintly, I hear sobbing. Barely registering that it's begun raining, I carefully track the sound.

"Damn him and his perfect smile... Maybe I should've given Chat a chance, he would've truly loved me, but I was so scared he would reject me once finding out who I am. Tikki, why does my heart do such cruel things?" My eyes widen as I recognise Marinette's voice, and my breath quickens when I realise what she just said, and my heart crack painfully at her broken voice.

"Oh, Marinette, without the mask, you're still Ladybug! that's why Master Fu chose you!" A tinkling voice interrupts my thoughts. That must be her kwami, Tikki she called her...? And Master Fu?

"Oh, I wish I could hate him and his stupid love-struck look and I wish I could bring myself to throw away that stupid umbrella... That's what caused this whole mess." The umbrella... she still has my umbrella? That day in the rain must have been when she fell for me. But... she still has the umbrella. "This performance was supposed to help me get over him, but now I'm just sadder. Why did he leave? Why did he look so sad?" 

She saw me leave? She watched me tear up?

"Please, Marinette, let's go home, you'll feel better after a hot chocolate and a few cookies." Her kwami pleads. I stand as stiff as wood, hoping neither of them notice me.

"I feel so bad. Maybe I should have gone after him, apologised for the whole thing..."

My heart cracks again when I hear again how much she cares for me over herself, how much she cares for me compared to my father. She's so sincere, so honest, so loving that I almost can't take it.

Curse you Ladybug for making me fall for the wrong side of the perfect girl.

[2018] literally yikes.