| chapter 34: the weight of fear |

DAWN

The room erupted into a chorus of arguments. I shook my head, defiance burning like a flame inside of me. 'No that's just crazy. If we're going to do this, we're going to do this together. No one is going to sacrifice himself!' I heard myself scream above the noise and saw Thomas looking with relief at me.

Suddenly Newt stood up very calmly, walked over to Thomas and grabbed him by his arm. Then he walked to me and took my hand. 'You two are leaving. Now.'

I frowned at him. 'Why?'

'Think Thomas has said enough, and we need to talk about this with the Keepers. And since you two both aren't Keepers...' He fell silent, letting us draw our own conclusions.

A sigh of relief let my lips. I was glad I wouldn't be involved in the decision making. At least now I could go outside and think about everything.

We reached the door and Newt gave us a gentle push outside. 'Wait for me by the box, when it's done we'll talk.' He started to turn around but Thomas reached and grabbed him.

'You gotta believe me, Newt. It's the only way out of here-we can do it. I swear. We're meant to.'

Newt finally showed some emotion and whispered in an angry rasp of a whisper. 'Yeah, I especially loved the bit where you volunteerd to kill yourself.'

'I'm perfectly willing to do it,' Thomas said making me sigh. 

'Oh, really?' Newt said, clearly just as annoyed as me. 'Mr. Noble himself, aren't ya?'

'I have plenty of my own reasons. In some ways it's my fault we're here in the first place. Anyway, I'm going no matter what, so you better not waste it,' Thomas replied.

I looked at Newt but his eyes were focused on Thomas, his gaze filled with compassion. 'If you really did help design the Maze, Tommy, it's not your fault. You're a kid, you can't help what they forced you to do.'

I saw Thomas was still not conviced and put my hand on his shoulder. 'Thomas, we're in the same klunk as you. We're here together and we're gonna do this together. There's no need to play the shucking hero all the time,' I whispered.

'I just....feel like I need to save everyone. To redeem myself,' He whispered back.

Newt stepped back, slowly shaking his head. 'You know what's funny, Tommy?' 

Confused I looked at Newt. 

'I actually believe you. You don't have an ounce of lying in those eyes of yours. And I can't bloody believe I'm about to say this.' He paused. 'But I'm going back in there to convince those shanks we should go through the Griever Hole, just like you said. Might as well fight the Grievers rather than sit around letting them pick us off one by one.' He held up a finger. 'But listen to me-I don't want another buggin' word about you dying and all that heroic klunk. If we're gonna do this, we'll take our chances-all of us. You hear me?'

I smiled at Newt. Then looked at Thomas and saw he had found new strength in Newt his little speech.

'Loud and clear. I was just trying to make the point that it's worth the risk. If someone's going to die every night anyway, we might as well use it in our advantage.'

I felt a sting in my heart when I thought of Lisa. 'Well, ain't that cheery.' I mumbled.

Thomas gave me a small smile, then nodded at us and turned to walk away but Newt called him. 'Tommy?'

'Yeah?' He stopped but didn't look back.

'If I can convince those shanks-and that's a big if-the best time to go would be at night. We can hope a lot of the Grievers might be out and about in the Maze-not in that Hole of them.'

'Good that,' Thomas agreed. He looked back at us and smiled. 

Newt smiled back, but it was just barely there, a crack in his worried grimace. 'We should do it tonight, before anyone else is killed.'

Thomas nodded and walked away. I wanted to walk after him but Newt grabbed my hand, pulled me back and kissed me before I could even start to protest.

I felt my body relax and I wrapped my arms around his neck, pulling him closer.

We broke apart.

Surprised I looked at him and he smirked a bit. 'Wanted to do that the whole Gathering, you looked...' He cut himself off, doubting.

'Confused? Shocked?' I finished for him with a slight smile on my lips. 

He nodded. 'Yeah.'

I sighed, feeling my smile disappear. 'Maybe that's because, as it turns out, everything that I knew to be true was a big lie.'

Newt wrapped my face in his hands. 'Trust me, I'm not bloody lying if I say that I love you.'

I took a deep breath and gave him a peck on his lips. 'I love you too.'

He smiled, satisfied. Then he let me go and disappeared back into the Gathering. I kept on staring at the door for a couple of seconds, feeling as light as a feather. Then I turned away on my heels.

'Thomas!' I yelled, reaching him at the end of the hall.

He waited for me and together we walked outside. He had a frown on his face, lost in thought. I took a deep breath.

'You sounded completely crazy in there, you know,' I said, staring at my feet walking on the grass. 'But I believe you. I'm with you.'

'Thanks,' Thomas responded, walking with his hands in his pocket.

We were silent. Not uncomfortable, but because everything was already said. We both knew that whatever the Keepers decided, we were going to that Griever Hole. With or without the Gladers.

'Dawn?' Thomas said, his voice serious.

'Yeah?' I whispered, feeling nervous. I really couldn't take anymore lies today.

Thomas took a deep breath. 'There is something you should know.'

I rubbed my eyes, trying to get my growing headache under control. 'When I first came here, I wanted to know everything. Now I'm not so sure anymore,' I sighed.

A small smile tugged at his lips. 'Well, you said you coming here was a mistake, right?' 

I turned to him, my heart beating faster in my chest. 'Yes?' I whispered, wondering where this was going.

Thomas took a deep breath. 'In my Changing I saw you and Lisa arguing. It was very vague and clouded but it seemed like you were going into the Maze and she didn't want you to go.'

I frowned. 'That's not how I remember it.'

We reached the Box and I took a deep breath. 'Go talk to Teresa,' I said, wanting to be alone.

Thomas looked surprised at me and I smiled. 'Well, it's not a secret anymore that you two have a bond so you probably already talked to her.'

His cheeks turned bright pink and I my smile grew wider.

'It's alright, I just...need to think about all this. Alone.'

Thomas nodded, understanding. 'I'm here if you want to talk,' He said.

I nodded. 'Thanks.'

Then we both went our own way.

I wanted to walk into Deadheads when I saw Chuck, walking around with a broom and a bucket. A frown appeared on my face as I walked to him. 'Hey Chuckie,' I said, approaching him. 'What are you doing?' Frowning I looked at the spot he was cleaning on the Homestead. 

It looked an awful lot like blood. 

'Cleaning,' He replied, his voice a bit shaky.

I smiled. 'I can see that, need some help?'

Chuck gave me a weak smile, and shook his head. 'Just doing my job.' He pursed his lips then added with a suddenly weak voice. 'She saved me,' he whispered. His words hit me like rocks and I clenched my hands.

'What do you mean?' I asked, as if I didn't know.

'Well, before she was taken...The Griever came in our room. We all tried to run out, but I was not fast enough. She saw it and ran to me,' He took another breath. 'Then the Griever took her.'

I swallowed and unclenched my fists, then I relaxed and pulled the little kid in a tight hug. First his whole body was tensed but after a few seconds he relaxed as well. I could feel him swallowing back his tears.

'It's alright, it's not your fault.' I messed his curls with my hand. 'I would have done the same.'
I let him go and saw him blinking his tears away. 

He gave me a sad smile. 'Thanks Dawn.'

I smiled back. 'Anything for you.'

We stared at each other for a couple of seconds. Then he took his broom back in his hand. 'I should back to cleaning this klunk.' 

I gave him a small smile. 'Good that.' I turned away from the kid, my feet carrying me into Deadheads. As took a seat against one of the trees I realised that I missed the sun. It'd been gone for so long and I just needed to see the light again. I needed to know that there was some light to fight for.

If I went over everything that had happened I felt my head starting to ache once again. It was a miracle I was even alive at this point and I felt a stab in my heart when I thought of those who didn't. When I first came here I had been so desperate and now...I felt a lot more confident and had a lot more sorted out and still I felt like a mouse trapped in a scientist's game, running in circles and not going anywhere.

Even though we knew how to escape the Maze now there was something that wouldn't stop haunting me. Some kind of feeling that something was about to go horribly wrong but I couldn't put my finger on it and it was starting to frustrate me. Lisa had not given her life for us to walk right in some sort of trap. I just had no idea what I could do to prevent the feeling of coming danger I felt crawling through my stomach.

I closed my eyes and leaned my head back, taking a moment to try and empty my head. But the feeling of approaching danger grew stronger, weighing me down, like a rock had been placed in my chest and was dragging me into the depths below. I told myself it was all going to be fine but I only realised I was lying to myself when something salt touched my lips.

Frustrated I wiped the silent tears away, opening my eyes to the grey sky once again. We were going to fight, we were going to get out of here. We had to. I had to. For Lisa.