[ chapter 11. we got history ]

DAWN

A scream escaped my mouth as I sat up and gasped for air. Slowly I lay down again, blinking, I stared at the ceiling. Then it hit me, I was awake, I was alive!

I felt like laughing but suddenly that desire washed away. I was alive, but now I had memories. The answers I wanted, the answers I came back for, the reason I didn't let myself be killed Maze.

I took a deep breath, while the images flew around inside my head and I tried to make sense of it all. Lisa and I knew each other, very well. Thomas and I had betrayed Wicked, whatever that meant, and did something together that wasn't good.

And then there was Newt...

We clearly used to have feelings for each other. Out of what I had seen we clearly had been more than friends. Suddenly a thought struck me. What if he somehow remembered that as well? Maybe that was the reason he remembered my name.

I didn't know if I wanted it to be true. Were those feelings still there, hidden somewhere? I turned around in bed, wincing as I realised my head was hurting like crazy.

'Welcome back shuck-face.'

My heart jumped in my chest as my eyes drifted to the person the voice belonged to. Lisa sat in a chair that was standing next to my bed, her arms crossed over her chest and a huge smirk on her face.

'How long have you been there?' I whispered, rubbing my forehead.

'Nice to see you too,' she said with a smile as put her hair behind her ears.

I frowned. 'What happened?'

Lisa shrugged. 'Nothing special, just that you, Thomas, Minho and Alby are the first shanks to ever survive a night in the Maze. And that when those Doors opened Minho was carrying you in his arms, and that you looked pretty much dead. You should've seen Newt's face, it looked like his whole world broke.'

I raised my eyebrows in surprise and felt a warm feeling spread from my stomach to my cheeks. Quickly I looked away before I would start to blush.

Lisa obviously noticed my reaction and grinned.

I took a deep breath and looked back at her. 'And then? Did I go through the Changing-thing everyone talks about?'

Her expression suddenly changed. Something written on her face that I couldn't really read. 'Did you get any memories back?' She asked.

Slowly I nodded, so that was the Changing, it changed you because your got some memories back, pretty obvious now that I thought about it.

'Well, anything important?' Lisa asked, curiousity on the edge of her voice.

I opened my mouth but closed it again, not sure what to tell her. 'It's very vague actually,' I whispered and wiped my hair away from my eyes. 'I remember me being a little girl, I was in a white room, people were talking but I couldn't hear what they were saying. And then I saw you...Also a little girl and I gave you hug.'

Lisa frowned, but didn't interrupt me.

'Then I saw us again, much older and we were standing before a screen, watching the Glade. There was a woman telling us she was proud and there had been a lot of progress because of us-' I cut myself off, staring to the wall.

Should I tell her about Newt, Thomas? About that last memory? She had done something, we had to flee and ended up in the elevator that took us here. It was weird how that memory had been cut off like that. It was like that never had suppose to happen and my mind was rejecting the very memory of it.

'I knew we had some kind of connection,' Lisa broke the silence. With a frown on my face I looked at her and she simply shrugged. 'I already knew it in the elevator, you just seemed familiar. I've wanted to talk to you ever since. There is something different about us. Starting with the fact that we're girls. And I...' She doubted and I gave her a reassuring smile. She took a deep breath before she continued. 'I've been having these strange dreams. The first one being me running through a Maze, chased by shadows. The second one I had when you were out in the Maze. I saw you, covered in blood. And then another one, when you were in the changing.'

Slowly I nodded, she was right, this meant something.

'What are we gonna do?' Lisa whispered.

I opened my mouth but closed it again. My mind was empty and out of ideas.

Suddenly Lisa let out a frustrated scream. Startled I sat up straighter in my bed. 'I hate not knowing,' she mumbled.

Despite the bizarre situation, I chuckled. 'Me too, but you know what?'

She gave me a puzzled look.

'I think we should stick together, find a job in the Glade, try to fit in but keep searching for a way out of here. And when we do, when we get out of here, we find a way to get out memories back. And then we punish all the people who did this to us.'

Slowly a smirk appeared on her face. 'I can live with that.'

I felt her smirk reflect on my face. 'Good.' A shiver crawled down my spine and I pulled the blanket closer around me.

'Maybe you should get some sleep, we can talk again tomorrow,' Lisa said and smiled at me as I nodded and curled up under the blanket. I was about to close my eyes when I noticed a white sweater wrapped around me. I pulled it closer and closed my eyes. The plan was repeating itself in my head. A smile appeared on my face. We were going to make it. I wasn't so desperate anymore, not even for answers. Newt was right, I had to move forward.

The night in the Maze taught me that surviving is indeed Rule Number One.

When I opened my eyes again it was dark in the little room. The headache was gone although my head was still pounding a bit. Suddenly my stomach made a loud noise making me chuckle lightly. I stood up and noticed then that I was only dressed in a long black undershirt. A shiver went through my body and I looked around the room.
There weren't any clothes here.

I sighed and suddenly noticed the white sweater I had been sleeping under. Taking it in my hands I put it on. It was warm and soft but didn't cover my naked legs. Deciding that it was night anyway so no one would see me walking around with barely any clothes I left the room.

It had to be around midnight or so as I walked down the stairs and opened the door. Spread out on the grass were the boys, all curled up in their sleeping bags. A smile appeared on my face, they were all so peaceful when they were sleeping. Then I noticed a fire burning and with his back turned to the fire was a boy, sitting against a log.

It was Newt.

Frowning I noticed something, he wasn't wearing his white sweater. I looked down at the one I was wearing and felt my cheeks heat up as I realised it was his. And before I could stop myself I was walking over to him. Slowly and silently I walked to the fire, and managed to do so without any accidents. I walked around the fire, Newt wasn't moving.
So I walked further until I stood right next to him.

He looked up and stared at me. 'Dawn?'

A small smile appeared on my face. 'Hey. What're you doing?'

Newt's eyes scanned me and I noticed how they went passed my naked legs. I coughed and he looked back at my face, his cheeks red. 'I -uh, was just sitting here.'

I raised my eyebrows and smiled then. 'Alright...' I pointed to the ground next to him. 'Can I sit?'

Slowly he nodded and I sat down. The memory I saw in the Changing played again in my mind. I took a deep breath and then made the quick decision not to tell him. I didn't even know where to start if I wanted to go down that road. 'By the way, is this your sweater?' I whispered showing him the white sweater I was wearing.

He stared at it for a while until the corner of his mouth turned upwards. 'Yeah.'

I raised my eyebrows, but decided not to make this anymore awkward by asking how it ended up on my bed. 'Want it back?'

He shook his head. 'Keep it for the night, it's bloody cold without a sweater.'

I stared at him. 'What about you? Aren't you cold?'

He shrugged. 'I'll be fine.'

I decided not to press the matter any further. I put up my knees and hugged them. My eyes stared into the darkness of the Glade. Something was wrong. I couldn't tell what. There was just something wrong in the way he talked to me. So short and almost distant.

For a couple of seconds we sat in silence, both of us drowning in our thoughts. Until the silence became too much to bare.

Taking a deep, I turned to look at Newt. 'What's wrong with you?'

'Why do you think something's wrong?' He responded, but his voice was so sharp that it basically answered his own question. A small sigh escaped his lips as he seemed to gather his thoughts before finally saying. 'Why did you do it? Why did you go out there?'

I expected that question yet had no answer ready. 'Well, I couldn't just-'

'We both know that wasn't the bloody reason, Dawn,' Newt cut me off.

Narrowing at him, I felt a sudden anger wash over me. 'If you think you know me. At all. Then you're wrong.'

Anger crossed his features and he stood up in one swift movement. 'So, I'm wrong about you goin' into the Maze to bloody kill yourself? I'm wrong about you wantin' to leave this place so badly you would rather die out there than stay here and find a solution? I'm wrong about you tellin' me all that, not because you wanted to but because you needed to bloody spit it all out, and I just happened to be there?'

Slowly I stood up as well, anger taking over, just because we used to share something in the past didn't mean I was going to let him think he still knew me now. That he knew how scared, broken and weak I was when I came here. How I searched for answers and I only got more questions. And how much I hated all that. He had no right to say that to me. Absolutely none, but I took a deep breath and tried to calm myself, because I knew he was also right. About a lot of things.

'You're wrong but-' I doubted.

Newt just stared at me, waiting for me to continue.

'I had no idea why I went into the Maze. I told myself I wanted to help them, that I couldn't live with myself if I just let them die.' I chewed on my lip, staring at some point above Newt his shoulder, avoiding looking into his eyes. 'But once I was in there, I realised there was more to it. There was a second that I honestly wanted to...' I swallowed my words, not wanting to admit it. 'I guess I was just...' It felt like something was blocking my throat as tears gathered in my eyes, but I didn't care. I had to tell him this, make him understand. Because I couldn't live with him being angry at me. 'I was just so lost and scared and I hated that feeling! All I wanted were answers but you guys never gave me one! I couldn't...' I tried to stop my tears but one escaped my eyes anyway, rolling down my cheek. 'I-I couldn't live with not knowing.'

I took a deep breath, steadying myself. 'But you are also wrong. I didn't go into that Maze to kill myself. I didn't even know I wanted to until I saw a chance. The reason I did it was because I wanted to safe all of them. Thomas, Minho and Alby!'

Shock crossed Newt's features, but only barely, like a ghost flying by.

And suddenly it made me angry again. 'But still I'm here. There were so many times that I could've done it, but I didn't. I'm still here, aren't I?' My voice had turned into a whisper, my tears still falling.

Newt took a deep breath. 'Then why didn't you? Why didn't you...jump?' He whispered.

I stared into his eyes and tried to remember how he had looked at me in the Changing. I tried to remember the way those eyes had made me feel. Safe and loved. Even though we had lost our memories and were trapped in a maze, it didn't mean he was a different person. And maybe, just maybe, some part of him realised there was something more going on between us.

I could trust him, I was sure of it.

'Because I suddenly realized that this isn't just about me. I went into that Maze because of a lie I told myself. It wasn't just about saving Minho and Alby, I wanted an easy way out. But I came back because I realised that dying wasn't the answer. Maybe I was too scared to do it, I don't know. What I do know is that, no matter what I told myself, what figured I out in that Maze, I am still the same Dawn I was before I went in there...just more sure of what I want.'

I stared at him, searching for a piece of the young boy I had seen in the Changing. For a second I dared to hope he wasn't angry anymore, that he understood.

Until he shook his head and took a step backwards. 'You should've realized that before you went into the bloody Maze,' he said, anger on the edge of his voice.

I wiped my tears away and stared at him. What did he want? An apology? Because he wasn't going to get one, I wasn't ashamed of what I did.

'You're suppose to know better than this!' He mumbled, almost as if he didn't want to say it. Then he sighed and ran his hand through his hair.

All I could do was stare at him, my heart racing in my chest. 'D-do you remember?' I whispered.

Newt shook his head, biting his lip and not answering.

'No! You don't just say something like that to me and then leave me with nothing!' I yelled, not caring if I woke any of the boys.

Newt looked back at me, panic in his eyes and he shook his head again. 'It's nothing just-'

'That wasn't nothing!' I interrupted him.

He shot me an angry glare, all the panic gone. 'It meant nothing! You're not special if that was what you were bloody thinking! Just-' He turned around. 'Just leave me alone.' And then he walked away.

I could only stare at the place where he stood just seconds ago. Suddenly I was tired. So tired. All the emotions I had felt in the past hour were getting the best of me. All my hunger was suddenly gone. He was holding something back, something important. He remembered something about us and he wasn't planning on sharing it. I turned on my heels and started to make my way back to the Homestead. Wind blew past me, freezing me inside out. Without thinking I wrapped Newt's sweater closer around me.

And then suddenly I cried. I hated myself for it but I couldn't stop.

If he wasn't going to share what he knew and felt. Why would I?