[ chapter 05. a name and a dream ]

DAWN

The stars were bright in the sky. The wind left my skin covered in goosebumps. It was cold and quiet in the Glade. It had to be around midnight or so but I couldn't sleep. After tossing and turning in my bed for what felt like hours I'd come outside to get some fresh air. I sat down under a tree and watched as the Glade turned dark around me.

The sight of Ben being pushed into the Maze, and his scream, his awful, beast-like scream kept on echoing through my mind. I couldn't seem to shake that image, no matter how hard I tried. It seemed determined to repeat itself behind my eyes to haunt me. There were too many things running inside of my head to sleep.

Actually I was wondering if I would ever sleep again.

'You! Eh greenie!' A voice whispered through the darkness.

I immediately recognized the accent as Newt's and soon enough he appeared in the moonlight, walking towards me.

He pointed to the grass next to me. 'Mind if I...?'

I shook my head, returning my gaze to the dark night sky stretching out above me. I exhaled slowly, expecting to feel the aching pain in my chest I had felt when I first looked at him but it didn't return. Maybe it had been a one time thing, a result of shock and fear. But some annoying voice in the back of my head kept on telling me that hadn't been the case. However, without my memories, I couldn't think of what else it could be.

'It's bloody confusin' you don't have a name,' Newt broke the silence.

The wind took his words away and left them ringing through my head. The worries of being here and not knowing anything about my past had made the worries about my name look so small. It stung when Alby had taken us to the wall to engrave our names this morning. Even when these guys had nothing, they still had some piece of their identity, a piece of who they used to be before this happened to them. But I didn't. I was completely hollow, a shell. Alby told me I was allowed to engrave my name in the stone if I remembered it but at this point I started to doubt if I ever would.

'How do you do it?' I whispered.

It was silent for a long time. I almost thought he wasn't going to answer, but then he did. 'I've seen three Gladers gettin' banished before. And none of 'em were pretty.' The sudden softness in his voice surprised me.

'That was not what I meant shank,' I said, making the word sound just as stupid as it sounded to me. 'How do you survive everyday, pretending everything's just...fine?'

'Listen,' Newt said, suddenly stern. 'You don't know anythin' about this place. We've to keep our rules or else we won't survive.'

There it was again, the rules, surviving. I was getting sick of it. 'So you don't care about your past? You don't care about the fact that you will never know who you are? About the fact that you live in a freaking Maze? Don't you care about all that? Because I do! And if I don't figure it out soon I think I might go crazy.'

There, I said it. I said everything I wanted. How could he not understand? It was killing me, slowly eating me alive. I couldn't just try to survive and follow the rules. I had to know.

A sigh escaped my lips as I turned and looked at Newt. He had a slight frown on his forehead. His brown eyes were focused on the sky. The few lights of the stars made them sparkle but they disappeared as soon as he looked back at me. He opened his mouth to speak, but closed it again and frowned then.

'What,' I whispered, a shiver crawling down my spine.

'You know, a lot of Gladers died 'cause of those bloody things you just said.' He sounded so broken and fragile that I suddenly felt a pang of guilt in my stomach. 'They died 'cause they didn't believe it was possible to survive without knowin' everything. Without knowin' what things were like before this klunk mess. Without bloody knowin' who they were.'

It sounded like he knew what I was talking about. That hopeless feeling of drowning in things you couldn't even remember. And then I recalled the expression on his face when he told me yesterday everyone felt scared when they first arrived here. Fear was probably no stranger to him either and I wondered how he had managed to put it aside and accepted this was life now.

'You can't give into it. If you keep on wonderin' what life could be like, it'll kill ya. So stop it. Stop thinkin'. Stop searching. Stop caring about your past. Because it's goin' to get you killed,' he said, his eyes burning into mine.

I took a deep breath but it didn't calm me. My throat was burning and I quickly blinked to try and keep my tears at bay. I'd cried enough already since I arrived here. 'So, what? You want me to say sorry now?' I whispered, my heart beating fast in my chest.

He leaned a bit closer toward me. 'No, 'cause you can't apologize for something' we all did. I'm just telling you to let it go.'

'Sounds like you know what I'm talking about,' I whispered, my eyes scanning his face.

He slowly shook his head. 'It doesn't matter.' He shifted so he was sitting right in front of me.

My breath caught in my throat and the painful weight in my chest reappeared. Only much worse this time. It felt like a knife stabbing in my heart. I gasped for air and clenched my hands. The sudden pain was too much for me to handle. I looked away from him, feeling the pain slowly fade away as I did.

But Newt reached out and turned my face back to his. 'Promise me,' he whispered.

I couldn't say a word, my tongue seemed to have become numb in my mouth, completely frozen as I felt his fingers burn on my cheek.

'Promise me, Dawn.'

My eyes widened as my heart beat sped up, flashes of light appeared before my eyes as his voice kept on echoing through my mind, but suddenly he sounded almost younger. The quick flash of a white room appeared before me and I tried to reach out for it, but the image faded almost as soon as it came. I couldn't breathe.

Newt dropped his hand and seemed just as confused as I felt.

'Dawn,' he repeated, his voice a soft whisper.

I was trembling. 'What? What did you say?' I said softly but sternly at the same time.

I stared right into his eyes, my heartbeat speeding up. His brown eyes seemed filled with recognition as he looked back at me. And his gaze felt familiar, as if I had looked at him a million times before but I just couldn't remember doing so. It felt like trying to remember the words of a song you used to listen to endlessly as a child, but just couldn't recall anymore.

'Dawn,' he said once again. The corner of his mouth twisted, as if he was deciding whether he should smile or not. 'I think we found you a name.'

I could only stare at him. 'How did you know that?'

He stared back at me, his face an unreadable mask. Then he stood up. 'Maybe you should get some sleep, tomorrow's gonna be a busy day.' His voice was suddenly cold, distant.

I bit my tongue and didn't answer him, instead I watched him walk away as every bone in my body cried out for me to call out to him, to pull him back to me to try and remember him. To figure it out together, to ask him why he had been able to remember my name when I couldn't. But I did none of that and instead I stood up from the cold grass, my feet carrying me back into the Homestead.

Even as I lay in my bed, staring at the ceiling, I was still shivering from the sound of my name leaving his lips.

The sound of breaking glass reached my ears. My eyes shot open and I sat up. Confused, I blinked a few times and looked around me. Slowly I stood up and noticed that I was standing on a hill. The wind was blowing through my hair, making it fly around my head, wrapping itself around my face. The same sound echoed through the air once again as I spun around in a circle to try and determine where it was coming from.

My feet carried me down the hill. Every time the sound echoed through the sky it seemed to become louder. I started to run as a sudden panic took a hold of me. My eyes searched for the source of the sound but the only thing visible was the hill. At the edge it seemed to disappear in complete darkness.

The noise was growing painfully loud now. Tears streamed down my face as it echoed through my head. Pain poured through my veins like fire, setting my body on fire. I covered my ears with my hands and turned in circles, trying to see something, anything that might help me end the agony.

Then I noticed something strange. Above me in the dark blue sky silver lines had started to appear. The sound of breaking glass resounded again and the silver lines began to tremble. It was almost like something was trying to break through the ceiling to try and reach me.

The sky broke and shattered into a thousand pieces that rained down on me as I screamed. The darkness was gone and the hill was surrounded in a bright white light. I lost my footing and fell down against the ground. Thousand pieces of glass pierced my skin. I let out a pained scream.

'Don't be afraid, my dear,' a voice suddenly echoed through the sky. I shivered and covered my ears, but it didn't stop the voice from speaking. 'It's just a needle...'

The sudden pain was unbearable as my very bones were set on fire. It felt as if someone had ripped my heart out of my chest. And all the while I screamed to try and drown out the horrible pain I was in. I was praying for it to end, for the horrible pain to end but it seemed determined on burning me from the inside out as it tore at my very core, drowning me in darkness.

When I woke up the next morning, I couldn't remember the dream, no matter how hard I tried.

| 𝙰𝚄𝚃𝙷𝙾𝚁'𝚂 𝙽𝙾𝚃𝙴 |

Hi guys,

This was a very intense chapter. I really tried to keep it simple but meaningful. I hope that worked out. Honestly I love writing Newt and Dawn's relationship so much and I hope I'm not rushing it.

At first I doubted if I wanted it to be Newt to remember her name or let Lisa tell it to her but I figured this had more meaning to it and you guys will just have to keep on reading to find out why :)

I would love to hear your opinion on this chapter as it was very hard for me to write. So please leave a comment. Or a vote if you don't like talking :)

Lots of love and hugs

xx nelly