Chapter Thirty-Seven

The pain was nearly unbearable but the fear was worse and it gave Cavanaugh the strength he needed to drag his worthless leg behind him as he made his way to the house he had hand built for his family.

It was so quiet. Too quiet. Susie should be giggling with her dolls and Timothy should be laughing as he ran through the chicken coop while Leah hummed a song in the kitchen.

The silence was like a ten ton weight in his heart. Surely nothing had happened to his family. Who would hurt two helpless children and an innocent woman? Leah didn't even know how to fire a gun. She couldn't defend herself or the children.

Cavanaugh was leaving a trail of blood as he made his way into the house and called out for his family, his voice weak and raspy.

He was met with more of that oppressive silence. He draggged himself into the kitchen and his heart stopped beating. His stomach turned. His world stopped spinning.

This wasn't Leah, Timothy or Susie.... Lying in a pool of her own blood with her clothing ripped and torn and her throat slit was his Nicole. Cavanaugh yelled out. It was an animalistic sound more so than a human one. A heart wrenching cry full of pain and anger.

He went to her and fell beside her, pulling her soft body against him as he wept into her soft golden hair.

"Why you?" he whispered as tears ran down his face. "I can't live through losing you too, cowgirl."

Cavanaugh held her a long time, rocking back and forth as he wept until his eyes went completely dry. He had failed. He had failed again. He hadn't kept her safe just the same as he hadn't kept Leah, Susie or Timothy safe.

Cavanaugh had survived through the death of his first family, though he had lived in a catatonic state until he had met Nicole and she had saved him. Her touch, her laugh, her smile, her sarcasm and the way she seemed to be able to put him and his brothers all in their place.

He couldn't survive this. Nicole was his angel; his saving grace. Without her he wanted to die. He pulled his gun from his hip as he laid her body back down.

He pressed a gentle kiss to her cold lips and then rested the barrel of his .45 tight against his temple. His finger squeezed the trigger slowly and he was looking deep into Nicole's lifeless green eyes when the gunshot roared inside the tiny kitchen.....

Cavanaugh sat bolt upright in bed with a gasp and he heard a sleepy groan beside him before a hand lightly touched his bare back, "Lay back down, Cavanaugh. It's barely five in the morning."

Cavanaugh looked down at Nicole, her eyes were still closed and then he saw a crease form between her brows. "Why are you all sweaty?"

He looked at her and felt his heart fill with so much relief and so much love he was afraid that it was going to blow apart right in his chest. Then guilt replaced it as he thought of his dream. Suddenly he shoved himself from the bed and left the room without saying a word.

Nicole jumped up as well and followed him. She caught him in the hallway and grabbed his arm, "What's wrong?" she demanded in a hushed whisper, trying not to disturb anyone else. She knew that Madeline was still asleep in her room and Andrew and Bethany were asleep in theirs. She assumed that Leslie was in her room and Ian was probably on the couch or out in the barn since he'd been sleeping both places lately.

"Just let me be," he stated harshly and he limped away from her. Nicole stood in the hallway suddenly feeling cold and lonely as she heard the back door open and close. She stood there for a long time with her arms crossed over herself.

She was tired. Tired of his hot and cold. Tired of feeling like he was constantly holding something back. She loved Cavanaugh. With all her heart and soul she loved that man and she had thought that he loved her too. She had thought she was making progress. But now.... Now her heart was tired of being hurt waiting around on him.

***

Leslie was aware of the warm, hard body laying beside hers. She smiled before opening her eyes and taking in the sight of Ian's sleeping face. She had turned sometime in the night and the fronts of their bodies were nearly touching. His lips were close to her forehead and she could feel his warm breath teasing her brow with every slow breath he took.

Leslie felt safe. That thought settled over her and caused more than a little surprise. How long had it been since she had felt completely safe? Had she ever? She reached up a shaking hand and brushed her fingertips across his jaw. His skin was surprisingly soft beneath her touch. Her eyes went to his lips, just a bit fuller than most men's and parted slightly as he slept. She bit her own lip as the temptation to touch them came to her. What could it hurt? He was sound asleep and would never know....

She moved her fingertips to his mouth and let her thumb brush across them. Heat seemed to sear her thumb and then she wanted to kiss him. Should she? Would he be upset?

She nearly let out a yelp of shock when his lips suddenly curved into a smile beneath her hand, "Feel free to be as impulsive as you'd like," he teased gently, his eyes remaining closed.

Leslie jerked her hand away, "You're awake!" she exclaimed accusingly.

His smile broadened, "Yep." His arm, which had been draped loosely over her hips, tightened and pulled her closer. Leslie could feel Ian Jr. pressing against her but Ian sr. didn't seem to be interested in anything other than holding her close.

"I thought you were sound asleep." she told him, her voice a little more strained as her body heated at the feel of him against her.

"I'm never sound asleep," Ian countered. "With all the people I dealt with I never could afford it."

Leslie stared at his face, taking in every detail. He had a small scar below his lip, though it wasn't very noticeable unless you were this close, "Is sleep expensive where you come from?" she asked with a slight smile.

Ian nodded, though his eyes were still closed. His lips brushed against her brow in a soft caress, "It can cost you your life," he replied simply.

"Is there a reason you're keeping your eyes closed?" Leslie inquired with a frown. "I promise I don't look too bad in the morning."

"I'm building myself up," Ian admitted.

"For?"

"For my first time with a woman."

Leslie stiffened a little and her eyes instantly went down to the lower half of their bodies. Ian chuckled and wrapped one of his long legs up and over hers, "Not that first time. That came and went about six years ago." he assured her. " I was talking about my first morning. I've never stuck around till the morning before."

"Oh...." Leslie stated lamely as her heart constricted in her chest. God help her but she was falling in love with a lazy, shiftless outlaw.

A sudden gunshot filled the air and Leslie screamed. Ian quickly shoved her back against the bed and covered her body with his own just before another gun shot rang out in the silent morning.

"What if it's Frank?! What if he's going to kill me.. Or Madeline! Madeline!" Leslie exclaimed as fear took over her. She thrashed against Ian in an attempt to get free so she could go save her daughter.

Ian could see out the window from here and he saw that the gunshots were simply Cavanaugh who had set up a row of cans and was busy shooting them all. Leslie was near tears beneath him and Ian didn't know what to do to calm her. She couldn't seem to hear him speaking no matter how many times he assured her everything was fine.

Finally he did the only thing he knew to do. He lowered his head and captured her lips beneath his own. The kiss was hard and fast and when he pulled away she was breathing hard and looking up at him. Surprise, confusion and fear still shining in her gray eyes.

"It's..." Ian cleared his throat when he realized something seemed to be lodged inside. His heart had never pounded so hard and he was really concerned for the well being of his ribs. "It's just Cav out there shooting. He must have had a bad night because he always shoots targets when he's upset about something."

Leslie bit her lip and he saw shame fill her eyes, "I'm sorry." she said. Ian shook his head and his expression turned serious, "I'm sure you already know that I'm good at going with the flow. Right now the flow is wherever you are, Leslie. You and Maddy. You're both mine now, and us McEllis boys, we protect what's ours. That bastard won't hurt either one of you ever again."

Leslie couldn't think of anything to say so she said nothing. Instead she laid her hand on his cheek and pulled his mouth back down to hers. This time the kiss was soft and gentle. It was almost tentative as if each was just trying to figure out the other.

Another gunshot had them pulling apart and Madeline's voice speaking to Nicole reached their ears, "I want my mommy." she said. "Cav's gun is loud."

Leslie and Ian both let out moans. Ian kissed her forehead and then smiled as he got out of the bed and helped her to her own feet, "That was my first good morning kiss." Ian admitted.

Leslie smiled at him, "It was a nice one."

Ian was about to reply when Madeline's little hand knocked on the door, "Mommy, is Ian in there with you?"

Ian stepped back and rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly as Leslie opened the door, "Good morning, baby girl." Leslie said to her daughter. Madeline nodded but then her eyes went to Ian, "You stayed with my mommy last night?"

"Uh.." Ian wasn't sure what to say and he looked at Leslie but she seemed just as unsure as he was.

Madeline smiled and ran to him. She jumped up in his arms and Ian wrapped her in a tight hug.

"What was that for?" he asked her with a smile after she pressed a big kiss to his cheek.

"I knew you and mommy would fall in love!" she exclaimed with the innocence and pure happiness that only a four year old girl could muster. "Does this mean you'll be my daddy?"

"Madeline..." Leslie groaned as she waited for Ian to toss the girl down and run off screaming.

Instead Ian got really quiet and studied the girls face. He moved a strand of her hair from her cheek and pulled her kitten shirt down on her stomach before nodding, "I'm not sure how good I'll be at it but, yeah, I'll be your daddy."

"Ian, You don't have to do that..." Leslie gasped as she grabbed the dresser for support. Her legs had suddenly grown too weak to hold her up.

"Yeah I do," Ian replied, his own legs doing their fair bit of shaking.

"Will you color with me, Ian... I mean daddy?" Madeline asked happily.

Ian nodded and carried her to the door. He stopped beside Leslie, who looked both doubtful and scared, "I know you're scared but please trust me when I say I won't hurt either one of you," he assured her. He kissed her cheek and then walked out in the hall.

When he walked past Nicole's room he heard her crying through the cracked door. At that same moment Bethany and Andrew came out of their room, "Why in the world is Cav shooting like a crazy person this early?" Andrew grumbled as he rubbed his sleep filled eyes and, as if on cue, another gunshot filled the air.

"I don't know." Ian replied. "Maddy, will you let Bethany take you down and get the crayons and paper ready and I'll be down in a minute to color with you?"

Madeline nodded, "Okay, daddy." she replied. Ian sat her down and Bethany took her hand and after throwing a questioning glance at Ian, she led the girl downstairs.

"Daddy?" Andrew asked.

Ian shot him a warning glance, "Shut up, Andrew." Andrew nodded and held his hands up before following Bethany and Madeline down stairs.

Ian went to Nicole's door and tapped it with his knuckles.

"Go away." she replied with a sniff.

Ian shook his head and walked in, "What's going on with you and my trigger happy brother?" he asked.

"He's not the one that shot my alarm clock and various other household items," Nicole countered as she used her blanket to wipe her face. "And I think I told you to go away."

"Selective hearing," Ian replied as he sat down on the foot of Nicole's bed. "What did Sir Stupid do now?"

"I'm just tired, Ian," Nicole replied softly.

Ian tilted his head, "Tired of?"

"Waiting."

"He loves you, Nicole," Ian assured her, feeling a little awkward at the heart to heart conversation.

"I thought so too, but...." Nicole shrugged. She didn't do open well and honestly the only person she was truly open with was Cavanaugh.

Ian sighed and stood up, "I ain't cut out for this caring shit," he mumbled as he walked out the door. He hadn't never worried himself much about anybody else and now he was worried about making things work with Leslie and Maddy, worried about Nicole's tears and worried about Cavanaugh's hard headed ass. It was exhausting and he was already ready for a nap.

He made his way downstairs and outside to where Cavanaugh was still firing away at the targets he'd set up. Ian knew that Cavanaugh wouldn't hear him coming. Ian knew how to be quiet. He frowned, surely Cavanaugh had to be a little cold. The morning air was chilly and the man was wearing nothing but his trousers and boots.

Cavanaugh took a break to reload and that's when Ian made his presence known, "What the hell are you doing?"

"Do I really have to explain the workings of a gun to an outlaw like you?" Cavanaugh asked dryly without turning to look at him.

"I wasn't talking about the gun," Ian replied as he shoved Cavanaugh and the man stumbled forward. Ian knew Cavanaugh could probably kick his ass but he needed to pull his head out of his own first.

Cavanaugh turned and Ian saw the anger in his blue eyes as he rose to his full height and looked down at him, "I don't like to fight, Ian, but I will." Ian nodded and shoved him again, "Good!" he exclaimed. "That'll give me an excuse to punch you and knock some sense into that hard head."

"What are you talking about?" Cavanaugh growled as he finished loading his gun and shoved it in his holster, which he'd grabbed from beside the door on his way outside.

"Nicole is in there crying because you're such a jackass."

"She's crying?" Cavanaugh asked as he looked up at the house.

"Yeah she's crying. You're losing her, big brother. You better figure out what's wrong up here..." Ian tapped roughly on Cavanaugh's temple, "And make it right before it's too late."

Cavanaugh swallowed hard and then limped off to the barn, not bothering to say anything else to Ian.

Ian threw his hands up in the air, "I'm trying, mama, but that bastard is stubborn as hell!"

***

Nicole calmed down, got control of her hormones which were a bit out of whack the last couple of days and then dressed quickly in a clean pair of yoga pants and a long sleeved t-shirt. She tossed a shirt for Cavanaugh over her shoulder and left her room.

She went to the kitchen and smiled a thank you at Bethany who had made a pot of coffee. She smiled at Ian as she went about getting both she and Cavanaugh a cup. Ian was holding tight to Leslie's hand beneath the kitchen table and coloring a princess's dress with the other while Madeline handed him crayon after crayon.

"Is Cavanaugh still in the barn?" Nicole asked Ian as she lifted up both coffee mugs.

Ian nodded, "Sure is. He's out there communing with the horses."

"Haha, I'll bet that's not all he does with those horses. I think he loves them more than people," Andrew added with a chuckle.

Bethany elbowed him in the stomach, "Be nice." she warned.

Nicole just shook her head as their antics continued and she walked through the living room and out the back door.

***

Cavanaugh finished combing out Gemini's mane and then sat down on a hay bale in his stall. He'd been spending a lot of time with the scarred gelding and had earned quite a bit of his trust, though he still hadn't tried to ride the beast.

"I'm lost, Gemini, and I just don't know what to do about it," Cavanaugh said quietly. Most would consider him weird to be having conversations with a horse, but while they were rather one sided, Cavanaugh found that they usually helped him more than talks with a person.

"I love her, Gemini. I love her a lot. But that's gotta make me a monster, doesn't it?" Cavanaugh sighed and rubbed his face roughly. "Maybe not loving her, but how much I love her.... I had a wife and I thought that I loved her with all my heart and soul but I'm starting to think that I didn't. Maybe that's the part that makes me a monster. I met Leah when I was young. I'd always wanted to get married and have a family and she was the first girl that I'd really gotten to know, and I liked her, so we got married. I thought it was true love and I thought that was as good as it got. We weren't best friends but we got along. There wasn't a whole lot of passion but I just thought that was the way it was, but now...."

Cavanaugh paused to pull a cigarette from his pocket and light it.

"The love I have for Nicole is so much different from what I felt for Leah. It's deeper, it's bigger, it's more..... What I need to do is just cowboy up. I've always been good at doing that before so I'm not sure what's so damn hard about it now."

Cavanaugh heard the scuffing of a shoe and quickly poked his head out of the stall to see Nicole walking away from the barn, "Nicole?" he called out and she stopped and turned slowly.

He could see the guilty expression on her face as she stood there, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to eavesdrop. I was just bringing you a shirt and some coffee," she held up the mugs as proof.

Cavanaugh felt his face redden with embarrassment as he rubbed the back of his neck, "How much of that did you hear?"

"All of it." Nicole replied, looking just as embarrassed as he felt. Cavanaugh nodded. "Ian said you were crying.'

"Ian is a liar," she replied quickly, but Cavanaugh knew that Ian hadn't been lying. Nicole's eyes were still red rimmed and her cheeks a little puffy. He was about to say something when he heard Andrew and Ian arguing up at the house over which of them was the better gambler. Madeline laughed and Bethany said something though her words were too quiet to make out.

Suddenly he wanted privacy to talk to Nicole. Privacy to bare his soul with her. Tell her about his dream. About his fears. About the fact that he needed her and loved her more than he'd ever needed and loved another person.

"Come for a ride with me." he said quickly.

Nicole raised her brow, "A ride?"

Cavanaugh nodded as he walked to her, took the coffee cups from her hand, sat them on a barrel beside them and then grabbed his shirt, "I can't ride two horses by myself, can I?" he asked as he slipped it on.

"Okay then," Nicole agreed. "Let's go for a ride."