Chapter Thirty-Eight

After Nicole had packed them something to eat and gotten a blanket and a warm shirt for each of them to wear, they started off down the mountain trail on the horses, which Cavanaugh had had saddled and ready.

They rode in silence. Cavanaugh wasn't sure how to start the conversation and Nicole was still trying to digest everything she had overheard him say to Gemini.

"Right here should be good," Cavanaugh said as they rode into a clearing with a stream running through the center. They hitched the horses beneath some pines and then made their way to a large oak beside the water. Nicole spread out a blanket for them to sit on and then opened the cooler she had packed and pulled out an apple for each of them.

"Thank you," Cavanaugh said as he pulled out his knife and cut off a slice. Nicole took a bite of her own and stared into the water, watching a group of minnows dart about as she waited for him to speak.

"I haven't been very fair to you," Cavanaugh finally said.

Nicole glanced over at him and saw that he was looking off into the distance, his knife and apple both resting in one hand as he pulled his hat off and tossed it aside with the other. Nicole didn't say anything because she didn't know what he wanted her to say.

Cavanaugh picked at a blade of grass, still looking away from her, "I figured the way we were was okay because it worked for me and the worst part was that I knew that it was hurting you but chose to ignore that fact."

"Cavanaugh, you were honest with me from the beginning about not being able to really love me...."

"That's just it!" Cavanaugh exclaimed as he sat his apple and knife down and moved closer on the blanket. "I wasn't honest, because if I'd been honest with you, or with myself, then I would have told you that I have loved you nearly as long as I've known you."

"You have?" Nicole whispered as tears filled her eyes. Cavanaugh nodded as he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her onto his lap. Nicole was amazed that she had finally found a man who made her feel almost petite.

"Yes," he admitted. "You are everything that I never realized I wanted. Everything I never realized I needed. I didn't know that love could feel this way, that a relationship could be this way. You are my friend, my lover and all I want. I'm not big on words but I'm gonna try because I want you to know this...."

Nicole nodded as she fought back her tears and laid her head against his heart. Finally, after so much pain at his refusal to love her back he was telling her that he did indeed love her. That he had loved her all along.

"You heard everything I said to Gemini and I meant it all. Leah was my first love but she wasn't my great love. My great love is you. When I lost her and I lost our children, I also lost myself. But I carried on because that's what a cowboy does. When I woke up in your spare bedroom, I hadn't been happy in so long that I had forgotten what it felt like to be happy. Then I heard this voice singing about cowboys taking her away and I was about to open the door when an angel threw it open. I was trying to figure out what I was feeling as I looked at her when she shot bleach in my eyes...." He smiled at this memory.

Nicole grinned sheepishly, "Sorry about that."

"I'm just glad you didn't have a gun on your side, I probably would have died." He replied with a shrug.

"What do you mean you were trying to figure out what you were feeling when you looked at me?"

"I had never been a passionate man. Leah and I weren't passionate. We made love, obviously, but it was always more because we were supposed to than because we had to if you know what I mean..." Nicole nodded, she knew what he meant.

"It wasn't until you came into my life that I realized I had passion inside of me... And I fought it because I thought I owed it to Leah and to the kids to never be happy again. They were dead and I wanted to pretend I was as well."

Nicole kissed his jaw when she saw how sad he looked and he smiled down at her and smoothed her hair from her cheek, "You saved me. You made me happy again. You made me smile. You made me want to feel. You made me want to be alive. I hadn't wanted to be alive since I lost them. I don't think I'll ever be over losing my children but I want you to know that you are the only woman in my heart. You're not sharing it with a ghost."

"I would never expect you to forget about Leah, Cavanaugh. She was your wife."

"Yeah she was." Cavanaugh agreed. "And I did love her but it was different. It was.... less," Cavanaugh swallowed hard. "Does that make me sound like a monster?"

"No," Nicole replied. "I loved Brian too. Sure he didn't die but he might as well have. He was my first love. My high school sweetheart. I thought we were going to get married and grow old together. It was an immature love. It never was able to grow or mature because it wasn't right. I didn't realize that at the time but I know it now."

"Maybe that's what is was with Leah. Maybe that's why it always felt like something was missing, because it was. But I really did love her and I would have stayed by her side and been faithful to her forever if...." Cavanaugh's voice broke off.

Nicole snuggled closer to him, "You don't have to make excuses for loving her, Cavanaugh. I'm not jealous of what you shared with Leah. Of course you would still be by her side if she were alive because you are an honorable man. A man who stands by his word. I love that about you."

Cavanaugh sighed with relief. It felt as if a giant weight had been lifted from his shoulders. He had known Leah well and he knew that if Leah could speak to him now she would be happy for him. She would like Nicole. She'd probably find her a little unladylike and rough around the edges but she would like her. Hell she had always found Cavanaugh a little rough around the edges.

Cavanaugh thought back to their marriage. Really it was odd that she had picked him. She hadn't like guns. She hadn't liked horses. She hadn't liked sleeping under the stars. Hell she hadn't even really wanted to move out to the country though Cavanaugh had insisted that they were going to anyway. Had she been happy with him? Really happy? Cavanaugh didn't think so. She had needed a gentleman. Someone who worked in a suit and lived in a townhouse. But he knew that she had loved him just the same as he'd loved her, despite all their differences and incompatibilities. And they had both adored their children.

"I love you, Nicole. I haven't ever said this and honestly didn't think I ever would because it's a bit sappy but, you are my soul mate."

Nicole wanted to snuggle closer to him but that was impossible since she was already as close as they could get with clothes on. And neither of them were in any mood for lovemaking. Both just wanted affection and warmth. To simply be held.

"You had a dream last night, didn't you? One that really got to you?" Nicole asked quietly.

Cavanaugh shivered at memories of her dead eyes and squeezed her tighter as he rested his chin on the top of her head, "Yes. I never told you about the day my family died did I?"

"Not really," Nicole replied. "And you don't have to if it's too hard."

"I want to," Cavanaugh replied. "I think I need to."

Nicole just nodded. So Cavanaugh thought back to that day and swallowed hard, "I had been gone for two days. I'd taken a few heads of cattle to a town about five hours away, longer with the cattle, so I could sell them to buy supplies to get us through the year. I could have come home the night before but chose not to because as I was getting ready to leave that night I saw a doll in the window of a shop in town. Our local town was small and didn't have fancy toys but this doll had a pretty dress and her mouth really moved up and down if you pushed on this lever on its back.

"I knew Susie would love it but the shop was closed and the doll was nearly twelve dollars. I knew Leah would pitch a fit if I spent the money we still had on something that frivolous so instead of going home, I went to the saloon to bet a little of my money and get enough to buy my kids each a gift. The next morning I bought the doll and a metal train for Timothy. I also got a necklace for Leah, because she liked to wear pretty things now and then. Always under dress of course because a proper Christian lady didn't wear flashy things."

Cavanaugh smiled as he remembered the way Leah would always flush and smile guiltily when he caught her putting on jewelry or spending extra time on her hair.

"You were a good father and husband," Nicole said softly.

Cavanaugh grunted, "I should have gone home the night before. I'd have been able to save my family if I had."

Nicole shook her head and looked up at him. His blue eyes were sad again and she kissed him softly, "You don't know that," she countered. "You may have died with them. Do you have any idea how many times I've cursed myself for not making mom go to the doctor the minute she started complaining about not feeling well? I think to myself that I could have saved her if I'd just dug my feet in and made her go. Or how many times I've hated myself for not picking up the phone the night my father wrecked and died. He called me from the bar and wanted a ride but I was so tired of getting drunken calls in the middle of the night that I ignored the phone.

"Of course we hate ourselves and we tell ourselves that we should have done better, that things would have been different, but we don't know that... The cancer that killed my mother probably would have killed her anyway and even if I had gone to my father that night there would have been another night, another tree. 'What ifs' and 'should haves' don't do anything to help those that have left us and only make us miserable. We have to learn how to let them go."

"I know," Cavanaugh replied tenderly as he swiped a tear from her eye. "Deep down I know that."

"It still hurts though, doesn't it?" Nicole asked.

Cavanaugh knew the question was rhetorical so he just kissed her brow and then once she relaxed her head once again against his chest, he resumed his story, "As I got closer to home, I started feeling uneasy. I couldn't explain it. It just felt like something was wrong. I was almost home. Just one more hill and a few curves along the river and I'd be there. It was midday and the birds were singing. Then suddenly there was a gunshot and it felt like my leg exploded. I fell off my horse and tried to get my gun but a boot was suddenly stomping on my face and I blacked out."

He paused and Nicole ran her hand down his left thigh, letting her fingertips trace the puckered scar beneath the denim, "I woke up in a pool of blood and the pain was terrible. My head was aching and bloody from the kick and I thought about just laying there and dying but then I thought about my family. I was so close to home and all I could think of was what if the attacker had gone after them. Leah didn't allow guns in the house when I wasn't home and so I knew she wouldn't have a way to defend herself or the children.

"I dragged myself home, realizing first just how quiet it was. Too quiet. I called out for them but no one answered so I dragged myself into the kitchen and that's when I found them..." Cavanaugh felt his stomach turn at the memory but he knew he needed to share this. He needed to tell Nicole. He had never shared this much of his story with anyone and he wanted her to know. He needed her to know; to understand why he was sure to be overprotective of her. To understand why he'd be jumpy and defensive around anyone he considered a threat to her.

"Timothy and Susie must have been at the table when whoever it was came in. It looked like they'd been practicing their numbers. Leah was always a stickler for making sure they studied all they could. She wanted them to be more than just farmers and ranchers when they grew up. They were laying on the floor when I found them. They'd been shot in the head." Cavanaugh heard Nicole's sharp intake of breath and he kissed her hair, "Leah was by the kitchen door, I guess she tried to run for it at some point. Her dress was ripped so it was clear they forced her before they slit her throat."

"Cavanaugh I'm so sorry," Nicole said, knowing the words were meaningless but not knowing anything else to say.

"I buried them and dragged myself to town and the doc. Even though I lived through the wound a part of me died that day and it was dead until I met you."

"Cavanaugh." Nicole sighed out his name in a whisper.

He pulled away from her and looked down into her eyes, "Do that again..." he said and she frowned.

"What?"

"Whisper my name like that. I ain't never heard anybody say my name quite the way you do."

Nicole just smiled up at him and he kissed her gently, "Is that what you dreamed about then?" she asked.

He shook his head, "It started that way but when I got in the house I didn't find them... I found someone else."

"Who?" Nicole asked and instantly she saw his face pale and his eyes become haunted.

"You. They'd taken you from me. I held your body and I cried and then I just gave up. I lived through losing Leah, I lived through losing my children but to lose you on top of that, to lose the angel who had saved me, it was more than this tough cowboy could take and I pulled my gun and...."

"Just stop." Nicole snapped quickly, not liking the image he was painting. She understood now. His fear to love her wasn't just guilt over Leah and his kids and feeling like he was moving on without them. He was also scared to love her because he was afraid of losing her. He was terrified the past would repeat itself.

"Cavanaugh, I'm only going to say this once, okay, so listen close." Cavanaugh frowned and lines creased on his brow, "Okay."

"I love you. I want to spend forever with you. I want to be by your side until we are both old and gray and pass away together while holding hands in our sleep." Cavanaugh smiled then, pleased with that image, "But," the but caused another frown. "If something happens to prevent that. If I get sick or in an accident or...."

"Stop," he all but growled as his grip on her tightened.

"No," she countered and Cavanaugh shook his head. She sure as hell was stubborn when she set her mind on something. "If I can't grow old with you and die with you in our sleep then I want your word that you won't do something crazy like take your own life. I would never want that. I would want you to keep living and find a new happiness."

"I wouldn't be happy again. Not really," he countered and Nicole glared at him. He liked the way her nostrils flared when she was irritated.

"Give me your word, cowboy."

"Nothing is going to happen to you because I won't let it," Cavanaugh argued stubbornly and Nicole punched his arm.

"Promise me!" she all but exclaimed.

He let out a long, tired sigh and nodded, "Okay. I promise to carry on if something happened, but I can't promise to be happy again."

"I guess that'll have to do," Nicole relented as she moved off of his lap.

He grumbled, "I was enjoying holding you."

"I'm hungry," she replied as she found her discarded apple on the blanket. She was about to take a bite when Cavanaugh snatched it from her. "Hey!"

"Let me help," He grabbed his knife and cut her off a slice before holding it up to her mouth.

"Are you feeding me? A big tough guy like yourself?"

"Don't tell anybody," he replied with a wink.

Nicole took the offered bite and smiled.

"So you play piano and guitar and you know how to romance a woman and yet you also know how to stay on a bucking bulls back and wrestle a steer to the ground?"

"Jack of all trades, master of none," Cavanaugh replied with a wink and Nicole smiled happily. Cavanaugh seemed different now that he'd opened up to her. He'd been happier in the last couple weeks but now he seemed lighter. Like a weight had been lifted.

His fingertips grazed against her lips as he placed the next bite of apple into her mouth and suddenly they were both more than ready to do more than just cuddle.

Cavanaugh's laughter filled the air as Nicole jumped across the blanket and tackled him to the ground, turning into a hungry growl when she pressed her mouth to his.

***

"Thank the Lord!" Evelyn exclaimed as she jumped up and down with happiness and clapped her hands.

Mary walked from the clouds and smiled a broken toothed smile at her friend, "Happy, are you?" she asked.

"Ian is actually becoming a man!" Evelyn exclaimed. "And Andrew is married to a woman that calms and centers him just like I wanted him to be. Jamison found Leah and the babies murderers and now Cav... My Cavanaugh has finally realized that his life didn't end when theirs did."

"I told you to simply have faith in me," Mary reminded her.

Evelyn nodded and gave her a guilty smile.

"Yes you did. I'm sorry I doubted you."

"You should be." Mary scolded as she sat down on a bench of clouds.

"But..." Evelyn started before stopping quickly and biting her lip. Mary rolled her pale blue eyes and smoothed out her tattered skirt, "What?"

"When are my boys going to go home? If they have all learned their lessons then what are they still doing in the future?"

"I have my reasons. A couple could go home now but you said you wanted them all together."

"And the women?"

"What happened to the Evelyn who was happy with my work thus far and apologized for not having more faith in me?"

"She is worried about her son's hearts."

"Don't worry so much, Evelyn. They are strong men and their hearts will be just fine."

"Wait, does that mean you're going to hurt them?!" Evelyn demanded.

With a smile and a wave of her hand Mary faded into nothing. Evelyn called out for her but she didn't answer. Evelyn sat down heavily on the cloud bench and felt worry tearing at her heart. If Mary hurt her boys she would knock what few teeth the old bat had left, right down her skinny throat.