It always amazed me how much my father resembled a teenage girl on her time of the month. Except his time of month lasted all days of the year.

If you got on Dad’s bad side, he lashed out at you. If you were on his good side, he’d likely lash out at you anyway. If you so much as breathed at him the wrong way, you’d better be prepared to lose a nostril or two.

Suffice to say that being on Dad’s bad side at the hotel that night was not an experience I was in a hurry to try again.

“Do you understand the opportunity you’ve thrown away?” he hissed in Mandarin, pacing in front of me. I sat in the armchair and fixed my gaze on my feet while Mom avoided the argument altogether in the bathroom. Smart woman.

“How many years have you dreamed of going to Harvard?” Dad demanded. “I’ll tell you: too many to throw away! And now Harvard alumni came knocking at your door, and where were you? Out fooling around, that’s where!”

“Sorry, Dad,” I mumbled. “I didn’t know they were coming.” If I’d known, there was no way in hell I would have left. Not for all the Alexanders, Amelias, and Louisas in the world. Maybe for the food, though. The food had been good.

“Sorry is useless. Sorry won’t fix anything,” Dad snapped. He stopped his pacing to stop and glare at me. His dinner suit had gotten all wrinkled, and his tie was now crooked.

“Can’t I…can’t I call the alumni or something?” I suggested weakly. “Maybe they’ll reconsider.”

Dad’s glare practically impaled me. “After you behaved so unprofessionally in front of everyone, they have every reason not to consider you anymore. Many other kids would give up their arms to join this research project. You, on the other hand, lied and snuck out of an extremely important dinner!”

I winced. It sounded a thousand times worse when Dad put it that way. “But I could at least try to explain to them—”

“Enough, Nancy! You have already embarrassed this family enough, don’t you think?” Dad’s face had gone all red and splotchy and he was waving his pointer finger wildly through the air. “We drove you all the way out here, giving up precious work time, and you don’t even known how to appreciate it. When I was your age—”

Oh, here we go again. The “when I was your age, I walked ten miles to school barefoot with a desk strapped to my back” talk, version five hundred thirty-one.

“—Never was so ungrateful!” Dad exploded. “Do you know how I grew up? My family never had any money, so I worked hard to become number one in my class every single year I went to school. Every. Single. Year.” He leaned against the wall and wiped some angry sweat off his forehead. “I told myself I had to make top grades no matter what. That was the only way I could allow myself to dream of coming to America and making a better life for my family. If I brought home less than fantastic scores, my parents didn’t need to punish me. I would punish myself.

“I made many sacrifices for the life we now have, Nancy. Many, many sacrifices.” Dad sighed and looked off into the distance, a wistful look overtaking his face. “I could have gone to Qing Hua University—the best school in China—but instead I came to a second-rate college in America hoping my children would one day have a better life than mine.” He paused to take a breath, the anger in his body being replaced with something even worse—disappointment. “Well, now I’ve made it big in America. I’m one of the lucky immigrants. But I’ve failed my children. You and Kevin—you both throw away educational opportunities as if they’re worth nothing.”

I wanted to say it wasn’t true. All I’d done was have one night of fun with my friends. But at what cost?

“You have never once appreciated how much your mother and I struggled so that you can even have these opportunities,” Dad accused. “I expected better from you, Nancy.”

Once his lecture was over, he collapsed into the nearest chair and sat there in silence. I gulped with hot tears prickling my eyes. I was angry, sure. I didn’t think Dad’s lecture was totally fair, considering he was partially taking out his anger toward Kevin on me just because Kevin wasn’t there to take the heat for his own mistakes.

But I also felt shame. Shame because Dad was right.

I had never lived through the hardships he’d faced. Never had to worry about being number one in my class or else. Never held an ambition as big and intimidating as paving a better life for an entire family. When Dad put things into perspective, suddenly I felt very, very stupid for getting so caught up in my feelings for Alexander that I’d lost sight of my real goals.

Dad was right. So maybe I hadn’t known about the Harvard guys offering me a once-in-a-lifetime research opportunity. But it still didn’t excuse the fact that I’d childishly chosen my friends over the dinner. I’d chosen them over the educational opportunities Mom and Dad had sacrificed so much for.

I felt disgusted with myself. Angered. How blinded had I become to the things that really mattered in life?

For a long moment, Dad and I stood in complete silence in the hotel room. I blinked back tears. That was how Mom found us when she came out of the bathroom a few minutes later, unmoving and unspeaking.

“Zhan Ni…” she said soothingly, gently holding on to Dad’s arm. He refused to look at her. “I think you’re being a bit unfair.”

“How so?” he snapped.

“Nancy knows the sacrifices we made for her. She’s not being ungrateful. She’s just…still a child. Besides, she won the contest already, didn’t she?”

Mom was pretty good at this sweet talking thing. I’d have to remember that for future arguments with my father.

Dad said nothing, although his shoulders slackened a bit. He didn’t look at either of us as he made his way to the bathroom Mom had recently vacated, slamming the door behind him.

“Mom…do you think Dad hates me now?” I whispered once I was sure he was out of earshot.

She came over and hugged me, and I lay my head on her shoulder, sniffing in the scent of her lotion like I always did when I was a little kid. “No, of course he doesn’t hate you,” Mom said gently. “How could he? You are his pride and joy, Nancy. You and Kevin both are.”

“Pride and joy?” I scoffed. “Yeah, right. Didn’t you hear him? We’re more like the bane of his existence.”

Mom pulled back and looked me in the eye. She wiped a stray tear that had spilled down my cheek. “Your father is a very…unexpressive man, Nancy. He is a proud Asian man—too proud at times. It’s hard for him to be emotional, even with his own family.”

“Seems like it’s pretty easy to get him angry, though.” Dad was angry about something or another at least every other time I saw him.

“Even if it doesn’t seem like it, your father cares about both of his children. You are a good daughter, Nancy.” Mom smiled at me and tucked a stray hair behind my ear. “Don’t worry about the words your father says out of anger. He says those things because he wants you to live a happy and successful life.”

“Well, I think it would be a lot more helpful if he’d just say what he means instead of giving me the old stink eye.”

Mom had a good laugh at that. “Maybe one of these days we’ll have to buy a Dad-translator, huh?”

I smiled tightly. I felt better now that I realized Mom didn’t blame me for making a stupid choice. But only a little bit better. Dad might have overreacted to my sneaking out, but that overreaction had caused me to finally see straight for the first time in months.

I was supposed to go to Harvard and live the dreams Dad had never been able to reach as a kid. That was my responsibility. My way of giving back. And I couldn’t let friends and love interests get in the way of that.

*****

The next day passed by in a tasteless blur. Literally tasteless—the free lunch we were provided after a city tour tasted like old cardboard.

At least it seemed Dad wasn’t as angry as he’d been the night before. He looked pretty happy when we were visiting the math museum, anyway. But there was a certain air of frostiness between us that made me worry that I’d ruined my good reputation in Dad’s eyes forever.

It was so unfair. I worked my butt off for years to earn the guy’s approval, and one stupid night had undone everything. I was never going to forgive myself.

And so I returned to the thrilling life of being a textbook overachiever. Although Alexander, Amelia, and Louisa messaged me multiple times, I learned to turn off notifications on the phone and spent the day with my family.

It was a bit boring, to be honest. Mom and Dad’s idea of a good time was visiting as many free museums as we could before the group dinner.

But it safe. And definitely the right thing to do. Dad had mostly calmed down and was even laughing and smiling again, which was a once-in-a-blue-moon, someone-take-a-photo-quick kind of rarity. Apparently, the Harvard alumni had contacted him last night letting them know that I still had a place in the program—although now, I had to gain admission and commit to the university itself first. They wanted to know I was going to take this project one hundred percent seriously.

“Harvard will surely accept you,” Dad said, giving my hair an awkward ruffle. I was taken aback—he hadn’t done that since I was a little girl. “Now it’s just a matter of waiting two weeks for your acceptance letter.”

“Dad…you can’t just assume they’ll take me,” I protested.

“But you have a 4.0 GPA and a 2360 SAT score. Why would they reject you?”

I groaned and smacked my head. Mom patted my shoulder in sympathy.

I had once tried explaining to Dad that college admissions these days were about much more than just grades and test scores. For example, colleges factored in extracurriculars, leadership, volunteering, awards, and even race, which put Asians at a disadvantage, into their decisions now. Unfortunately, the explanation had all gone over his head even though I’d said it all in Mandarin.

In China, stellar test scores were you needed to get into a good college. American colleges were a whole different ball park.

It was surprising when I logged onto Facebook that night and saw I had about fifty million new messages. Like I said, I was not exactly Miss Facebook Socialette. Most of the messages were from Amelia and Alexander, a few from Louisa.

As I went through the messages and tried not to respond to them in accordance with my new ‘don’t be too social’ policy, a familiar ping! went off.

Alexander: Okay, look, I see that you’re online right now so don’t ignore me. But if you’re mad about all the stuff I said to you yesterday…honestly, I understand. I was a dick about my feelings and I know I probably shocked you. You probably don’t even like me that way. God, the more I think about it, the dick-ier I feel. I think I just made up a word. A bad word. That’s how terrible I feel.

Alexander: But please don’t ignore your friends or me. Just tell us if you’re angry about making you miss the dinner…or whatever it is you’re mad about, ok? We’re here for you. Literally still here. Amelia hasn’t finished her business in Indianapolis yet.

Alexander: If you don’t reply, I’ll assume you’re turning me down. And I’ll stop bothering you for good.

No!

My heart sped up. It was now or never. C’mon, dig deep and find your ballsiness, Nancy. I had to let the guy know my real feelings.

I poised my fingers to type back a response, but then closed my eyes and forced myself to stop. I knew I had a decision to make: choose Alexander or my parents. Yeah, the situation probably wasn’t as dramatic as I was making it out to be…but the truth was, I didn’t know my standing with Alexander. He liked me, but he’d done some pretty crappy things to try to show it. Was he really genuine?

Something told me he was. That I should be straight with him about my feelings. But something else told me that my parents hated his guts, too. Or at least, Dad did. I sincerely didn’t need another reason for Dad to treat me to another Back In China speech.

So, doing exactly what Alexander had told me not to, I ignored him and moved on to my next messages. The computer pinged several more times, but eventually it went silent. Alexander had obviously gotten the message.

I bit my lip. I took deep, steadying breaths. I tried to tell myself that the pain building up in my chest wasn’t my heart breaking in half. But I couldn’t lie to myself.

I had another message from Leya Singh, who I’d completely forgotten had been on some volunteer and educational project in Africa for the past semester. No doubt it was just something to boost her chances at the Ivy Leagues. She wanted to know if I’d heard back from colleges yet. She’d already been accepted to three, and did I know she’d been offered a full ride to Arizona State?

That was an email I was never replying to. Jesus, the girl was annoying. Why, oh why couldn’t some sympathetic African elephant have trampled Leya while she was on her volunteer trip?

Some guy spammed me with what looked like a business deal written entirely in Portugese.

Finally, I had one unread message from Mr. Harry Houdini, a.k.a. the disappearing genius, a.k.a. my dear brother.

Kevin:So am I goin to c u @ the show 2morrow nite?

I shook my head and sighed. Sorry, Kevin. Not in this lifetime.

Nancy: No, I’m pretty busy at the moment. Mom, Dad, and I are at this math convention thing right now.

It took a few minutes before my brother replied.

Kevin: Wow, srsly? U guys can’t even drop by 4 one nite?

Nancy: Not even for an hour. We’re busy all day tomorrow.

Kevin: What if I told u there’s something important I’ve been working on that I need to show u?

Nancy: I’d say you better tell me over chat, because I’m not going down to a concert tomorrow. Dad’s already mad at me as it is.

Kevin: Mad? At u?? Never thought I’d c the day! HAHA!

Okay, Kevin’s enthusiasm really ticked me off.

Nancy: Yeah, yeah, you can throw a party now. What the hell kind of a group name is KVN Crew, anyway? Sounds like some no-name group that’ll disband within two months. Who are they - some friends of yours?

Kevin: Wow…r u serious? Why all the judgment? Every band has 2 strt somewhere.

Nancy: Yeah, well this band will have to get their start without me. If you know what’s good for you, you’ll skip the concert and go home, too.

Kevin: Why the hell would I do that?

I bit my lip, feeling anger and indignation wash over me. I also felt a sense of dejavu. This was just like the time during my third grade science project when I went around stressing out about everything and Kevin acted like he didn’t even have a brain inside his head, as usual.

Why was my brother such a careless jerk all the time? Didn’t he realize that he always, always, always left me alone to shoulder the responsibility of our parents’ expectations?

Nancy: Ugh…do you even realize how irresponsible and ungrateful you are? You NEVER stop to think about how your laziness affects others.

Kevin: Wtf woman?

Nancy: Yeah, I called you lazy. Not stupid. You know why? You could probably be smart if you tried. But you’re too busy chasing some dumb dream of being a choir director or a musician or something. You’ve never seriously focused on a credible career path

Kevin: What does it matter if I want to be a musician? What do you know about ‘credible career paths’, anyway?? You’re just a little study nerd, so how can you tell me

I cut him off.

Nancy: Guess what, big brother? There’s no way you’ll EVER make it in music. Do you know how many aspiring musicians end up penniless or even homeless? Do you think Mom and Dad can support you forever? They worked hard to get you here, you know. You should at least try to reciprocate that by doing better than music. My God, how do you even picture your life in ten years?

As soon as I hit send, I felt my insides shrivel up in guilt. Jesus, I felt terrible about saying all those words to my brother. Penniless? Homeless? My word choice had been really harsh.

But someone had to be the one to stop Kevin from making the biggest mistake of his life. Someone had to at least try to talk some sense into him. And if that someone had to be me, then…so be it.

It took a while before his reply came.

Kevin: You’re a frickin’ moron, that’s what you are

Nancy: Huh??

Kevin: Yeah. I called the math genius a M-O-R-O-N. You know why? For all ur brilliant understanding of calculus theorems, you preach to me about things that you don’t even understand.

Nancy: What the hell? You’re the moron. You push all the duties of being an ideal Chinese child onto me while you wreak havoc all over the place. You don’t even appreciate how hard our parents have worked for us to be here!

Kevin: First of all, let’s get something straight: I don’t push those ‘duties’ onto you. YOU push them onto YOURSELF.

Kevin: And of course I appreciate that Mom and Dad worked their asses off to get us to America. I know they did it for us. So we can have the opportunities they never had. So we have the freedom to be whoever we want to be as long as we have the talent.

Nancy: So why are you spitting in their faces??

Kevin: I’m NOT. Ok? Just listen to me for once instead of acting like a know-it-all.

Kevin: Nancy, I know you’ve never taken me seriously as your big brother a day in your life. I know you think I’m the dumbass of the family, like I’m the burden that you have to make up for. But you know something, Miss Harvard-Bound? I have something that you don’t. The right to choose how I spend my life. And I gave that to myself, btw.

Nancy: I’m not following you.

Kevin: I know exactly who I am and what I want to do with my life. What about you?

Nancy: I want to be a Harvard student…obviously.

Kevin: But I’m not talking about that. Do you have any aspirations beyond Harvard? What comes after you get into your dream university?

Nancy: Uh

Kevin: Nothing, that’s what. Because you’ve lived your life only listening to our parents, and our parents’ ideas for you run out after Harvard. Do you know what it means to be so passionate about pursuing something that you’ll leave your family if that’s what it takes? No, you don’t. You’ve spent your life as a frickin’ Harvard-loving puppet. You don’t even know who you are. So you don’t have the right to lecture me for trying to be myself.

I stared at the screen, speechless. Every word I read crashed onto me like a ton of well-written bricks. Screw advertising—my brother should have been an English major with a minor in Bad-mouthing. Kevin was throwing my words back at me, only these were ten times harsher.

I didn’t know who I was? Of course I did. Who was Kevin kidding? I was Nancy Pang, the math wonder girl, and…

…And what else?

Nothing came to mind. I wasn’t an artist, a musician, a theatre geek, a sports fanatic. Not a reader, nor a writer, nor an athlete. Just…a geek. A math geek infatuated with Harvard.

For the first time, it occurred to me that Kevin might have been sorta kinda maybe…right. I’m not just talking about the correct spelling and grammar he was finally displaying, either. Maybe the reason I could hardly stomach his harsh words was because somewhere deep down, I knew they were true.

And he wasn’t done, either.

Kevin: As for me? I’m not the ungrateful dickhead you think I am. I appreciate our parents for sacrificing so much, and I know they love me and want me to be successful in the “appropriate” and “expected” ways for an Asian kid. But I won’t let our parents dictate the way I live just because they chose to come to America. My life is truly my own. I’m free to make it whatever I want it to be. The important thing is that I believe I can make it big in America so long as I’ve got the talent and will. If I fail, I’ll just start over with a new dream. That’s my problem, not our parents’, and I’ll take responsibility for it.

Kevin: I wasn’t born on this planet to live out my dad’s dreams. Being able to take responsibility for my own goals in life—that’s what being an American-born Chinese really means to me.

Kevin: What does it mean to you, genius?

*****

A/N - So the themes in this chapter are a lot heavier than the ones in past chapters. We're finally getting to the heart of the story :3 What do you guys think? Is Kevin right, or is Nancy? Leave a vote/comment to show your support for this book :) Thanks!