Alexander gripped the glass in his fist. His mind was in turmoil, nothing inside gave him a sense of peace or calm.

He looked into the glass holding a false escape as his mind traveled to a time in the past.

"The rules Alexander! The rules keep everything in order," his father said.

He stood stock still listening to him. Listening to his dad without interrupting, was the rule that went without say.

He knew he wasn't allowed to make friends, occasionally he'd make a few 'acquaintances' but a friend was out of the question.

Like his dad always found out, he got wind of the news that Alexander was quickly becoming fond of the daughter of one of his associates. Everyone called it a friendship, so he felt the need to correct it.

"You didn't master the rules well enough did you? We'll try another method. You're smart, I know you'll get it," his dad said and smiled.

He didn't know what he'd pay for his disobedience this time, but he didn't regret what he'd done. Her company was worth anything he'd be subjected to. But he might never see her again.

He followed his dad to a part of the house he didn't know was even there up until that time.

"You haven't seen this room before have you?" Alexander was asked.

He shook his head no.

"You wouldn't have to!" His dad said in the few seconds he showed just how unhinged he was. He sounded psychotic just before he composed himself. "If you just didn't break the rules."

No matter how he sounded, Alexander wasn't afraid of him. His father had never hit him nor even tried to, so he knew he wouldn't hurt him.

He focused on the room. It was small and the lighting wasn't so good; a little dark but enough to make things out. No windows, but high air vents with the smallest amount of light seeping through them.

His dad rolled a double sided whiteboard in front of him and turned it over, revealing all the rules scribbled on it.

He patted his son's shoulder. "If no one follows the rules, one by one, things start to crumble. You'll lose everything of any worth to you. What did I say about control?"

"You lose control, you lose everything," Alexander answered.

"Exactly son. And rules... they are the only reason control is possible. So you see, it is essential you understand."

"Yes father."

"Good, good," he said then patted his shoulder once more and walked towards the door. "I know you'll make me proud."

His father got out and he heard a click. He'd been locked inside.

Inside that tiny room, he knew he'd be expected to stay inside until he learned everything by heart, but he didn't actually think he'd be locked in.

He couldn't help it, the panic was instant.

He tried to calm down but the walls seemed to close in on him. He put his hands to his throat as his breathing quickened.

With a foolish ray of hope he tried to pull the door open but it wouldn't budge. He'd confirmed what he prayed wasn't true. He'd really been locked in.

His lungs couldn't seem to get enough air. Alexander fell to his knees and pressed his hands to his ears to stop the loud ringing in them.

Beads of sweat formed on his forehead as he tried to push down the claustrophobia that threatened to surface.

He'd never counter his father if he started failing now. He had to find a way. Collapsing there in that room, wasn't a good move.

He took deep breaths to start calming down, but it didn't work.

Exhausted, Alexander fell onto his back. His eyes were half open, trying to hold on but not quite strong enough.

He couldn't breathe in enough air but he'd lost the strength to fight for it.

His eyes landed on the vents as his entire body tried to go to sleep, eyes almost closing. He was calm now, but slowly drifting away, his chest rising and falling.

And then he heard it, his mother's voice.

He shouldn't have been able to remember her voice, but it was a short video clip he'd watched of his first steps, his mom cheering him on as he fell into her arms giggling, his dad's laughter in the background while he took the video.

He didn't know the last time he heard him laugh.

Maybe if she was here, this wouldn't be happening. Maybe if she was here, his dad would be different.

He definitely would be, because he lashed out every time he brought her up. Then he'd drink himself to oblivion and then he'd pull himself together and life would move on.

The suffocating feeling dissipated as he heard her laughter echo from a far place. His strength restored itself little by little as he came back to himself.

Things weren't blurry anymore and he could move if he tried.

Slowly, the ringing in his ears let up and he took some time to himself while he closed his eyes, making a decision.

In the next hour or so, Alexander memorized every single rule until it was engraved in his mind and memory.

He rested a little but time didn't seem to move.

He didn't know how long he'd been in there but it got to the time when his stomach was growling. He pushed the thought of food away and turned the board over where it was clean.

The rules played over and over in his head, along with his father's voice. 'The rules Alexander, the rules keep everything in order.'

He'd never forget it.

With sweat on his brow and a growling stomach, he fought to stay conscious through the weakness he felt.

He uncapped a pen and pushed a few strands of hair back with the back of his hand. With almost no light and shaky fingers, Alexander started drawing a skyscraper.

"Alexander?" The memory dissolved.

"Alexander!" Tadashi raised his voice next to him.

He turned to look at him on the barstool next to his, eyebrows furrowed. "You keep spacing out."

Alexander didn't answer. His eyes went back to studying the drink in his glass.

"Do you want me to drive you home?" His assistant asked him.

He shook his head. "I'll drive myself."

Tadashi ordered a drink then silently sat next to him.

The silence went on for so long Alexander wasn't sure he wanted him to talk or not.

"You called me," Tadashi finally broke the silence. "What do you need?"

Alexander shrugged and straightened. "I shouldn't have... You should go, it's really late."

"Well..." Tadashi smiled. "I don't want to."

"Don't worry I won't drink myself senseless." He hadn't even tasted the liquor. Ever since he'd ordered it he just sat gripping the glass and looking at it.

"That's not why," Tadashi said.

Alexander went with the first thing that came to his mind. Maybe Tadashi felt obligated to him, he was his assistant after all. But he wasn't about to take advantage of that, he had his own life too.

"I'm not paying you for this–"

"That's exactly why I want to stay."

That had Alexander retracting any other words he might have said. He remained silent and Tadashi in turn did the same.

Before Alexander could get lost in his head again, Tadashi brought his focus to him.

"Do you remember when I asked you about the final rule? I asked you why it had to be on the list... you remember your answer?" Tadashi asked.

The sole reason why that rule existed was for his satisfaction. It felt good to turn the tables around and reject them, every single last one. Because he couldn't get over the pain of his own.

"I meant it," he replied. He'd meant it and it had worked that way for a long while.

"You don't seem happy."

Alexander didn't reply.

Tadashi regarded him with uncertainty. What was he supposed to tell him? With the way he seemed to be relapsing, he couldn't figure it out.

"It's fine to break the rules every now and then," said Tadashi.

"No it isn't," said Alexander. "Rules are important. They have to be followed."

Tadashi nodded. "They are important I agree, but you're really dumb if you think they should never be broken."

"You wouldn't understand, let it go. It's my own problem."

"I'll let it go for now... if you agree that you should go home."

He'd try to ask him to take the day off too but he knew that was one thing that really didn't help Alexander. In fact, he seemed to find his solace in work...until the past few months.

Alexander looked one last time at the glass then pushed it away.

"I'll drive you," said Tadashi.

"I'm not drunk."

"I know," he said and unlocked the door. Alexander got in.

He got back at around three into the morning. The darkness meant everyone was probably asleep. Everyone except Jet. Jet wasn't here anymore.

"It'll be alright," Tadashi said when he'd parked the car.

Alexander looked like he wanted to say something but decided not to, he got out of the car.

He was acting a little like he'd lost a part of himself. A little like how he was eight years ago, but not quite.

His eyes tightened on the wheel as he watched Alexander walk inside before pulling away and driving home.

༻༺

Alexander didn't bother going to sleep in his room. He found an empty room that no one actually used and dropped heavily onto the bed.

He didn't even bother to take his clothes off. His mind was jumbled up with thoughts crisscrossing in all directions.

He couldn't find a wink of sleep as the early hours of the morning carried on.

He couldn't stop seeing Jet walking and not stopping. The pain in his chest raged on. It should get better, it had to.

Four in the morning turned to five and five turned to six. He finally drifted off.

It felt like five minutes had only passed when he opened his eyes again, when the door flew open.

"Oh! You're here!" Zel strode in wearing loose fitting pants and Riley's shirt. It looked so cute how it drooped down one of his shoulders.

"Where were you two?" Zel looked adorably cute as he asked, pretty upset.

The guilt coursing through Alexander was the only reason he didn't grab Zel right there.

Zel looked around and didn't seem to find what he was looking for.

"Where is Jet Daddy? Where is he?!" He demanded, panicking as the truth seemed to dawn on him.

It hurt Alexander to even attempt to answer. "He's gone, disqualified. He...he made a mistake."

"What did he do?" Zel asked. He blinked and put the back of his hand against his mouth.

"He broke a rule, he said he was in love with me," said Alexander.

Zel laughed in disbelief as his eyes watered. "Like you're not in love with him?" He asked. "Answer me! Because I love him too, and I love you."

Fuck! Just fuck!

"On my first night with you, you asked me how much I would be able to take..." Zel's eyes were glassy. "Well this is it. This is where I draw the line. Disqualify me now if you don't feel anything for me.
I'll take it, I'll go home and cry myself to sleep... I don't know. Broken hearts heal too... I don't know how... but I will."

Alexander tried to get to him but Zel moved away from his touch. It stung so bad he looked away.

"Look at me," said Zel.

He looked and all the pain felt like it was drowning him.

"I love you," Zel said while nodding. Then he stormed back out and slammed the door.

Alexander blew out a breath of exasperation. Why are they breaking rules? Why are they hurting me?

First Jet, now Zel? Who would be next? If it already hurt like this, what was going to be left of him in the end?

Alexander put his face in his hands, infinitely frustrated.

By the end of the week, everyone was disqualified.