The wind was soft as it blew in the air. The sun was setting and the breeze was getting cool.

"It's beautiful isn't it?" she smiled. She always looked so dazzling when she smiled. I would forever picture that smile and save it in my memory.

I returned her smile and wound my arms around her waist, resting my chin on her head as we stared into the sunset.

"Yeah it's beautiful but not as beautiful as you." I told her. I felt her head bow down in coyness when I said the word beautiful. Even after so many years, she's still not used to it. Whenever I call her beautiful, she just doesn't believe me.

"We should go inside, it's Maghrib time now." she said.

"In a few minutes," I mumbled and hugged her closely, burying my face in her left shoulder, inhaling her fresh scent of grapes and roses.

"I want to be with you now." I murmured against her neck and kissed it softly. She moved and her soft chuckle reached my ears.

"I'm always with you."

"Daddy?"

I was shaken from my slumber. Breathing in, I realized that I was sleeping on my arms while working at my desk and fell asleep.

Sitting upright, I stretched my aching arms and yawned.

"Daddy?" I heard and my head snapped in that direction. Zeeshan was standing at the corner of the desk and looking at me with a weary expression.

"Yes Zeeshan?" I replied, my voice hoarse from sleeping. "What is it?" I asked.

"You didn't give us dinner." He mumbled lowly. I glanced at my wrist watch and realized that it was 1 am.

"Oh God." I said and quickly got up. I fell asleep while working again.

It's been a month since we arrived back New York City. Jake helped me a lot especially in getting a decent condo. He offered me a position in his firm. He inherited my parents dairy business when they retired and gave me a good job as financier in the firm.

"Where is Ayesha?" I asked. Taking his small hand in mine, I walked him to the kitchen.

"She's asleep. She was really tired so she made a peanut butter sandwich and fell asleep afterwards." He replied.

Oh my God, I can't believe that I forgot about the kids again. I've engulfed myself in so much work that all my time is spent in work and I've totally disregarded my kids. Oh God, what the hell am I doing?

I quickly fixed my son a cold turkey sandwich. As I watched him quietly eat, he looked so solemn. He reminded me so much of her. His quiet nature resembled so much of her.

I haven't been able to sleep ever since she left. And when I do sleep, I get to be with her. That's my only sanctuary.

"Zeeshan, I'm really sorry buddy. I didn't mean to get so busy it's just that I have so much work to do and,"

"I know Abu. You don't need to worry I understand." He said and finished his sandwich. I sighed with relief but my guilt was eating me up. I was glad that my son was just like his mother but Ayesha, she was so like me—emotional and sentimental.

"I know buddy. I'm really sorry." I mumbled and took his place.

"Abu, when will we go back?" he inquired. I froze dead in my tracks. I gripped the edges of the sink in order to balance myself.

"We are not going back, baita."

"And what about Ammi? We've left her behind. Did you guys have a fight?" he enquired. How innocent he was. Oh God, it's been so long and I haven't even explain to them the situation.

"Shouldn't you be sleeping now? You have school in the morning." I tried to change the subject and washed his plate.

"I don't like this school Abu. I want to go back home. I miss Ammi and all my friends back at home."

He was constantly talking about her and my patience was wearing thin. "Zeeshan, please go to bed." I said sternly and led him to his room. Ayesha was already sleeping and when I tucked Zeeshan in bed, kissing his forehead, I kissed Ayesha on her head and left the room.

Where is my life leading me? I can't even keep track of my time.

I sat on the bed and rubbed my face, sighing in weariness. I feel so tired. I haven't slept peacefully. My heart and mind are in ruins.

Sighing, I jumped on my feet and headed for my laptop bag. I needed to get some more work done and I needed a distraction.

I opened the closet and when I was about to take out the case, something fell and thumped on the ground. I saw that it was her journal.

Picking it up, I was about to put it back but I resisted. I've been wanting to read her journal for so long—I know that she had a habit of writing her thoughts in her journals and I had never even attempted to touch them, afraid to invade in her privacy.

And now, I've been itching to read it—I always wanted to know what she was thinking.

Maybe, now it's my chance.

Sighing, I took the journal and sat on the bed. My hands began to tremble when I removed the hard cover. Squeezing my eyes shut and I breathed in deeply to control the ragging emotions inside of me. opening my eyes, I looked at the first page;

3 January, 2016

Well, the day dragged on. Chores were boring as always but I guess making your home is satisfying especially when I have to wait on the kids. Zac came home very tired. I guess no sex tonight.

I laughed when I read it. She really loved our make out sessions in bed. I just realized, that I laughed after a long time.

His birthday is coming soon. I really need to prepare something but I can't come up with anything. I just like it that he always gives me a new surprise every year but I can't seem to come up with anything. He's such a romantic and me? I got nothing. I always feel so guilty. Even after all these years, Sac stays with me in Pakistan. I sometimes wonder if he misses the US? He hasn't even visited once since we came back. Maybe we should visit. I know he's sensitive.

My lips curved up in a smile when I read her thoughts. And as I read, I couldn't help but be happy that she thought of me so much.

15 March, 2016

I miss my job. When I submitted the last paper for the medical journal, I started reminiscing about the good old days. I miss the hospital. I miss the spunk. Maybe I should start again. The kids are well settled, the house is in place now. The academy is doing great. I can easily shift the principalship to someone else, preferably Aaliya since she's been thinking of joining the academy as a teacher.

So, she was thinking of joining her job for a long time. But why did she wait till later to tell me?

I just don't know how to approach Zac in this matter. I know that he'll support me in my decision but I don't know, how I should approach him. Maybe I'm just not ready yet.

I kept on reading till I came upon September, the last of the entries. My eyes stung with unshed tears as read it.

12 September 2016

Today, I discussed my decision with Zac. His reaction was exactly as how I had anticipated. I knew that he wouldn't understand these sentiments. But he just doesn't know how passionate I am about my country. What I didn't tell him was that the volunteering thing was a lie. I was looking for an opportunity for so long. My heart would break every time I would see the mattered faces of the soldiers and the tears of their families. I want to contribute as well. My heart bleeds green. I want to participate in this war effort as well. I don't know whether he'll agree or not but I will try my best to encourage him. He may not understand my sentiments but inshaa Allah, I'll make him understand. The feelings that one has for their country is just indescribable. I love my country so much and I'm willing to do anything for it. It's because of my patriotism that I came back from the States. And I'm grateful for life. I'm so lucky. I have the perfect family, the perfect husband, the perfect everything. Now it's time that I stop taking and start giving. Allah has blessed me so much, now it's my turn to return the favour. Allah has blessed me with the knowledge and skills then I will apply them to serve my nation and His creation.

So, this is how she felt all along. I should be mad that she lied to me but my heart tugged at her feelings. I never knew that she felt this way. I knew she had a great moral sense and she was a lover of humanity but I didn't know that she felt so deeply.

Now I understand.

13th September 2016,

Zac agreed. I can't believe it. He's so amazing. He's always been there. I don't know what I ever did to deserve such a kind and loving man as him. That man, he's my everything. Maybe that's why Allah opened my heart for him.

Maybe that's why I love him so much.

The journal fell from my hands when I read that line.

She loved me. All along. Yet she never said it. I knew that she felt something for me but even I doubted that sometimes. She never said anything to me. I didn't need her words to understand what was in her heart with regards to me but still, they would've made me believe.

My frozen heart, that had stopped beating when I had buried her and left her behind, it began to feel warm again. My eyes teared up and I let them roll down freely.

With shaking hands, I reached down and picked up the journal. Dusting away the pages that fell on the floor, I willed myself to continue reading.

I turned the page. A gasp left my throat when I realised that it was her last entry.

20th September 2016,

I don't know why but I felt like writing. I haven't written in days because I was so busy in the emergency tent and I only had a few hours to rest. But I don't know, I woke up right now. There was something bothering me and I felt a bit suffocated. My heart was telling me that I should write down my feelings. I don't know why but there is something at the back of my head that is telling me that i need to write down something. Something tells me, that I won't be able to see my family again.

I feel so afraid. Maybe that's why my heart is telling me to write some advise. Maybe for Zac. I always knew that maybe I'd die before my time whether it was by sickness or by accident. I just knew that I would leave this world early. Even when I was alone after Tooba died and suffering from Tumor, I thought for sure I would die. But I didn't. Allah gave me a chance to live my life to the fullest and I became a mother to two beautiful children and wife to a wonderful amazing man.

I don't have any regrets. I know that if I lose my life, Zac will be hurt the most. But I know him, he'll move on. That's just how he is. It's his nature. Allah made him into such a strong and stout hearted person. I'm sure, he'll take care of our kids in the event that something were to happen to me. I have full faith. I don't deny his abilities as a capable parent. When he's such a perfect human being, who cares so much and his loyalty and love runs deep, I have no doubt that he will make it through. I know him. He loves me so much and I know he'll be hurt. But I'm sure, he'll get over it. He has to.

If I have any regret, then it's that I never told him how much I love him. How much he means to me. He's my light. He's my peace.

Zac, I love you so much.

"Oh God!"

I closed the journal respectfully and kissed it.

Her last words were that she loved me. It made my bleeding heart feel warm and slowly, with just that, I felt as if I could pick up the shattered pieces of my heart and put them back together.

The walls tumbled down. The floods are now flowing and my emotions are free.

Amber.

Her smiling face is in my mind.

I haven't thought about her or her name because I was so afraid. It hurts so much whenever I think about her. She was a big piece of my heart and when she left, she took that piece with her.

But now, her words have given me courage. She had so much faith and trust me. And all I've done till now is show irresponsibility. How could I be so selfish? I even neglected our kids. 

Although if still hurts, but now I know: she loved me and that's enough for me. I've lost her but I know, she still alive in my heart.

She left our kids in my care and I won't disappoint her.

After so long, I feel my heart beat with a purpose. It's warm again. My mind that was in shambles is starting to gain its function. It's finally ready to grasp that my Bree isn't with me anymore.

My broken heart. Although I feel again, but it'll take a long time for it to heal.

And inshaa Allah, just as Amber had thought, I'll make it through this.