HALEEMA RAHEEL

Today is marked as the saddest and most tragic day of my life.

I just lost my best friend—Amber.

I know that she's a martyr and I should be proud of her noble death, but it has left us at a loss; Amber left behind two children as orphans and a husband as a widower.

"Khaala, what's going on? Where is mom?" Ayesha asked me for the hundredth time and I had no idea what I was suppose to tell her. How do you tell a seven year old that their mother has died? And Zeeshan, he's been quiet and doing his homework as if nothing matters to him.

Sniffing, I tried to smile. "Why don't you ask your father about that." I admit, I'm a coward. I have no idea how to handle this situation. Ayesha looked at me with so much hope that I would satisfy her curiosity but I just couldn't. she resembled Zac bhai in so many ways. While Zeeshan resembled Amber so much.

"Khaala, why are there so many people here? What's all this about?" she questioned. I had taken the kids to their bedroom while Aaliya and Mrs. Zaid led the ladies for the Qur'an recitation in the living room. Brig. Zaid was handling the funeral procession because Zac bhai was in denial.

"I'll be right back. Please stay in this room two of you and don't come out, okay." I instructed.

"But khaala, I want daddy. Where is he?" she whined. Sighing, I kneeled down to her level and tried my best to keep my tears at bay. "I'm going to go and get him, okay." I murmured softly and gently pulled her into a hug.

I love these kids so much—they are Amber's nishaani.

I went to the living room. All the ladies were quietly reading the Qur'an and some were weeping especially Aaliya and her mother—why wouldn't they? They just lost the jewel of the family.

My heart constricted when I saw Amber's body lying in a wooden casket in the centre of the room. Only her face was not wrapped in the white kaffan shroud. The tears that I was trying so hard to control came rushing out. Who knew that she would live such a short life? One moment she was happy and with her family and now this.

But I was glad of one thing—Amber died a happy and content woman.

Now that I look at her face in death, she looks so peaceful, her face alight with a certain contentment and tranquility with the light of martyrdom.

I was glad when I came to know that Amber had reconciled with her family many years ago. Amber was so happy and she deserved it too. And from the look of it, I can tell that she embraced death with no regrets.

I saw Zac bhai sitting beside her casket, his head low and eyes trained on Amber's face. There was an absolute broken expression marring his features as his swollen eyes and red nose and cheeks kept at a constant. The tears flowing endlessly down his face. I suppose he finally came into grip with Amber's death. My heart broke, seeing him like this. I've always known him to be such a charming and cheerful fellow. This is the first time I'm seeing him cry and look so lost.

Who could blame him though? Amber was the love of his life. He loved her with all his heart. And her death must've left him tragically heartbroken.

And it happened.

When the time for the burial proceedings came, he broke into a fit. Uncle Zaid had to hold him down as Amber's body was taken for burial. I cried even more when I saw the poor man break and call after Amber.

"Please, for God's sake, don't take my Amber away from me!" he hollered as uncle Zaid kept a firm grip on him to prevent him from disturbing the burial proceedings. Even uncle Zaid, who I've known to be such a strong man, began to cry on Zac's shoulder. Mrs. Zaid had fainted by the time the hall was emptied as everyone left.

"Please Sir, at least let me bury her." Zac pleaded. Unlce nodded and they both left with staggering feet.

I tried to control myself because I needed to go back to the kids. But I was shocked and gasped when I saw that Ayesha and Zeeshan stood at the frame of the door and had witnessed everything.

**********

ZAKRIYA ISLAM

Numb.

That's what I feel now.

I still can't believe that I buried my wife just a few days ago. I can still recall, her body that was wrapped in a white shroud, as the dark dirt fell on it and tainted it. It took every ounce of willpower in me to stay and watch as my precious Bree was being buried six feet under.

After that, I felt numb—as if my heart completely shut down and I was on autopilot. I've lost sense of time and space.

I have no idea what I should be doing now. I feel completely lost.

I don't even know what happened to the kids. I think that Aaliya or Haleema took them.

As I roamed around the empty house, I became haunted by her memories.

It hurt so much.

This pain was unbearable.

What will I do now? Amber wa not only my wife; she was my best friend, my confidant, my support.

My rock.

My inspiration.

My love.

She was my everything and now she's gone.

And I have to accept it? It fucking hurts to accept it.

I find nothing comforting. I find nothing soothing. All I long for is the sound of Amber's string yet coy voice, her dark eyes and her warm touch.

This greif, this sorrow, this anguish—it's eating at my heart.

I feel it break and shatter into a million pieces whenever I think about Amber.

Her smile, her scent, her caresses, her kisses—they are all etched into my mind. I can never get them back again.

I've lost them—I've lost her.

She was my drive.

And I think, now that I've lost it, I can't bear to live any longer.

**********

Zipping the bags, I sighed and slowly got to my feet.

"You guys ready?" I asked and looked at Ayesha and Zeeshan. They nodded and remained silent. I also nodded and left for my room. Our flight was in five hours and we needed to leave for the airport in an hour.

"Bhai?" Aaliya approached me as I made my way to my bedroom.

"Yes Aaliya?" I said, disinterred.

"You don't have to leave bhai. This will disturb the kids a great deal." She tried to talk to me so that I might change my mind but that wasn't happening.

I have decided to return back to New York. It's been a month since her funeral and I fear that I may go mad if I stay a while longer in this house. Every corner of this house, this place, this city was wrapped up in her memories in my mind. It was just too painful for me to bear with. Even so that I'm afraid to think of her name otherwise I would lose control and my emotions would run free.

Now that she isn't here anymore, I see no reason to stay here any longer. I resigned from my job yet Shehzad was kind enough to offer me a position in his New York branch. Everything is prepared and ready for me back at New York. Jake helped in finding me a good apartment in Brooklyn with a secure environment for the kids.

Thankfully, I had registered the kids as American citizens when they were born so getting their passports wasn't an issue.

I'll sell this house later. I've finished up everything here. I've left the matter of her boutique and academy in the hands of my in laws. They tried their best to convince me to stay but I've made up my mind. I cannot stay in this place any longer—her memories haunt me and it's just too painful.

"Please Aaliya, we've already talked through this. I'm leaving and that's final." I answered rather harshly. My back was turned to her because I didn't want to see her face—it would eat away at my conscience for hurting her with my harshness but I have no choice but be cold towards everyone now. That's the only way I seem to have put myself together. I hated being weak and that's what her death has done to me and the only way to get back my pride and spirit is to just try and forget about her and move back to the place where I wouldn't be reminded of her constantly.

"You can't do this bhai. Think of the kids. They need you. They don't even know what happened to their mother and with you acting this way, it'll hurt them." She tried to pacify me.

"They'll get used to it eventually." I muttered coldly and pulled my suitcase out the door and into the foyer.

"But bhai, they are Amber's last nishaani. Surely you cant take them away from us. Ammi and Abu are already thinking of filing a case against you in court for this." She said.

At the mention of her name, my heart skipped a beat and a crack came upon my heart as her memories threatened to release into my mind.

"You can do whatever you want. I don't care. They are my children and I will not have them taken away from me." I countered.

"But we are their family too. We love them. We can't bear to see you take them away from us. It isn't fair."

I chuckled bitterly. 'What is fair in life Aaliya?" I spat and stared at her dead in the eyes. She flinched from my callous behavior.

"She is taken away from me. is that fair?" I seethed through clenched teeth, trying to gain a reign on my anger and pain. Aaliya's features softened as her eyes held unshed tears. "I know you are hurting bhai. But running away from it isn't the solution. You aren't thinking straight. You're forgetting that the lives of your innocent children rest on your shoulders. You have the responsibility to be their father as well as their mother now. Please reconsider your decision. Think of what's best for your children first." She made a small speech which only fell on deaf ears,

"Amber wouldn't want you doing this." She muttered. My heart jolted at the mention of her name again.

"I don't have time for this." I said and went to the kids' room. "Come on kids, the taxi will be here soon." I commanded. Ayesha flinched in fear at the sound of my insensitive tone while Zeeshan nodded and exited the room. Aaliya came in their room as I picked up the luggage.

Ayesha made a run for Aaliya and started crying, latching unto Aaliya's knees. "Khaala, I don't want to go. Daady is scaring me." she sobbed.

It broke my heart to hear her say that. What the hell am I doing? Scaring my won daughter like that.

Aaliya glared at me with disapproval. Ignoring her, I sighed and went to Ayesha. She winced when she saw me and moved behind Aaliya as if trying to protect herself from me.

I clenched my fists together—what the hell! This isn't suppose to happen.

"Ayesha, jaan." I cooed softly, lowering my guard. I stretched out my hand. Her tears kept rolling down her cheeks and it tore my heart apart.

"I'm sorry baby. I didn't mean to scare you. Come here." I urged gently. She looked up at Aaliya, who nodded and encouraged her to go to me. I passed her a small thankful smile as Ayesha came into my embrace and hugged me tightly around my neck.

"Daddy, I don't want to go. I want mommy. Where is she?" she began to choke on her tears. My eyes welled up again as the wall around my heart came crumbling down and my emotions were let loose.

I wanted to badly cry and tell her that her mother was never coming back but I knew better. I needed to be in a more stable state of mind in order to tell her what she had been asking from me since that day.

Pulling back my mask, I cleared my throat and wiped away my tears.

"I'll tell you later." I stated, my voice gruff. Pulling her out of my embrace, I straightened her collar and gave her a small comforting smile—Ayesha is just like me; she's emotional and impulsive. Even though she's older then Zeeshan, she's more childish. And I need to deal with her in the most delicate of ways.

"Now come along, we need to get going." I said softly.

"When will we be back?" she asked, wiping her nose with her sleeve.

"Soon." I lied. She nodded and went to the bathroom to compose herself.

"See bhai. She's already so shaken. Please don't do this to them." Aaliya appeased. Sighing, I jumed on my feet.

"Please look for some good realters and when they offer a good price, contact me." I pronounced.

Sighing, she left the room—realizing her failed attempts at trying to change my mind.

The taxi arrived soon enough. but Aaliya insisted on dropping us off to the airport. I was glad that she had finally accepted my decision. I put the luggage in and soon enough we were on our way. I didn't dare cast a backwards glance at my house—at our house.

I need to leave it behind and move on.

We arrived at the airport. When I was about to get out of the car, Aaliya stopped me.

"This was in her belongings from the camp." She handed me her journal. I gawked at it in disbelief.

'Please take this with you." Aaliya pleaded. I didn't want to but my heart ached for it so I accepted and placed the journal in my laptop bag.

I was surprised when my in laws and Haleema also showed up. They bid us a good bye. I wasn't comfortable with taking away their grandchildren away from them but I was glad that they understood and respected my decision.

All I want is to move on now and forget about her.

PLZ VOTE AND COMMENT