ZAKRIYA ISLAM

I stared at her peaceful face as she slept. My mind kept recalling the incident that happened a couple of hours ago. And instead of taking care of it, she fainted. It's been three or four hours since she's been asleep and now that I'm sure she won't be waking up anytime soon, I carefully crawled out of bed and went to the bathroom for gusl.

As soon as u was done, I carefully went outside the room with my keys. With one last glance at Amber, I slowly and quietly closed the door and with the key, locked it twice.

I was going to get to the bottom of this. I've been surprised and disappointed enough. I will search her study as well as the whole house and get rid of the drugs or narcotics that she's been using.

I went to her study and started there. It's been almost a year since I've been in this apartment and I've never been in this room once. I suppose I thought this room to be Amber's private room and hence I never entered here. I started with her desk and opened all the drawers. The top of the desk was lined up neatly with her books and laptop set in place. I figured since she's a neat freak and loves to keep everything in order. I sat on the leather chair and inspected the top of the desk: everything seemed to look like in place except for a bank card that was lying on a spot near the laptop. I picked it up and instantly my body became alert when I saw residual dust of white powder at the corners of the card. My heart almost skipped a beat at this revelation.

Now I was absolutely pissed. My mind had thought of so many possibilities so without any regard, I trashed the drawers. I searched every nook and cranny of the desk. I hated prying into her stuff but I had no choice. I came across many small diaries as well as small notes pads and some letters.

I was at the bottom drawer, I saw a lock on it. Yes, this is the one.

I bed back to the bedroom. She was still sleeping thankfully. I knew where she kept her keys so I went to the closet and grabbed her purse. Locking the bedroom again, I got to the study and spilled all the contents of her purse on the desk. Grabbing the keys, I crouched near the bottom drawer and inserted the small key in the lock. It clicked open.

With a pounding heart, I slowly opened the drawer. There were many things in it but what caught my attention most was a small rectangular mirror piece placed at the top of the things. I removed it and as expected, it was dusted and somewhat coated with the same white powder. I placed the mirror on the top of the desk and went back to inspecting the content of the drawer.

My breath got held in my throat when I found a small plastic pouch of that white powder.

Oh God, please don't let it if be what I'm thinking. With a racing heart, I opened the pouch and lightly dusted the tip of my finger with the powder. With a sigh, I tasted the powder with the tip of my tongue: I felt a tingling sensation there until the tip of my tongue went numb.

I squeezed my eyes shut and clenched my teeth in anger as my fist pounded on the floor.

"God dammit!" I shouted.

Cocaine! She's been using Cocaine!

Oh my God, why didn't I realize it earlier. All the signs were there. Why didn't I recognize them? The ecstatic behavior, the aroused sexual tension, anxiety, restlessness, irritation, the insomnia and so much more. I should've recognized it from the start but I didn't. I was reckless.

Damn!

I fell to the chair and exhaled in frustration. Oh God!I should've known, I blame myself. I knew what a junkie looks like and how they act but I could've never known that my own wife would be an addict too—I knew all the signs and symptoms yet I couldn't tell.

My fist pounded on the desk, probably causing the things placed at the corners to fall off—I'm so angry right now that I don't care. I had worked so hard to keep this anger in check and in control but now the flood gates have opened. The first thing that Islam had taught me was to keep my emotions perfectly balanced and I had till now but I feel like it's slowly slipping away. Because if there's one thing I hate then that's addicts. I consider them as losers because they try to take the easy way out of every situation. And this has made me tremendously furious. And when I'm angry, I'm impulsive. For the first time, I feel sheer bitterness and disappointment towards Amber. I never thought that I would get to show her this side of me so early in our marriage. But she's forced my hand into it.

So everything till now has been a lie—her boldness, audacity, tenaciousness and stubbornness; it was all a result of her drug use. But what about the times when she was coy? Was that the real her or was it also a part of her many phases while abusing on cocaine?

Which one is the real her? I can't tell. I rubbed my hand over my face in dismay. I'm not sure about anything anymore—I don't even know her well and because of that, it resulted in her hurting so much. From what I can tell, she never let her mask slip but tonight it did. The miscarriage must've broke her in more ways than I could imagine. I had seen the hurt and heartache in her desire filled eyes as well as . . . . guilt? But for what? For losing our baby? I'm not so sure.

However, whatever the case is, one thing I'm sure of; I'm going to dedicate myself to freeing her fro this horrible mess. I swear, I'll make her quit. Consequences be damned!

My eyes caught sight of a few other objects as well but I didn't pay much mind to them at the moment because my mind was focused more on a new task that I had taken up.

I went back to the bedroom and grabbed my keys and cell phone from the table. My eyes scanned her sleeping face; I shook my head in disgust and disappointment.

She's fooled me long enough and I've been a fool to too long.

No more!

I exited the house and locked the door securely. As I got to the elevator, I dialled Haleema's number. She answered after a few rings.

"Asalam alaikum Haleema, I need to see you right away. Please meet me at the hospital."

***********

she stirred in her sleep, an indication that she was almost awake. Good.

I got up from my side of the bed and removed the curtains to let the sunlight in. I heard her light groan as she sat upright and rubbed her face. Her hair was disheveled and like a birds nest, she didn't realise that her chest was bare so I quickly took my robe and laid it on her back.

"Here," I handed her a pill and a glass of water. She looked at me in confusion so I explained that it was just a painkiller. "I gather that you must have quite the headache now," I muttered. Without answering she swallowed the pill and got off the bed. I looked away as she went to the bathroom. Glancing at my wrist watch, I knew that she knew that she wasn't going to work today that's why she's so relaxed but she's got another thing coming.

I prepared breakfast for her and waited for her. She came to the kitchen within fifteen minutes; her face wet and face fresh and flushed.

"Here," I gave her a plate of eggs and toast. "Thanks," she mumbled and began eating. I stared at her as she ate, wearing an expression of thoughtfulness as she gazed into space.

"What happened last night?" I started. She didn't reply and kept eating. I know that she heard me and wants to avoid having this conversation but I won't have any of it; I'll make her talk today.

"Amber, I'm talking to you." I said as gently as I could muster. She was still silent and had her eyes set on her plate as she chewed and swallowed.

The last thread of my patience snapped and I grabbed her wrist tight. "I'm. Talking. To. You!" I said through clenched teeth, emphasising each word which got her attention immediately. She was not only surprised by my out burst but also bewildered as her eyes widened as saucers.

I smile inwardly.

"Let go," she said calmly.

"Not until you answer me!"

"What are you talking about? I don't know what you mean."

"Do not play innocent with me Amber. You know exactly what I'm talking about and I will not tolerate any more ignorance." I declared, my voice strong and unhindered. She flinched at the tone of my voice and tried to get out of my hold but I refused to budge.

"Let go!" She screamed, seemingly irritated. Good, I have a reaction from her. She jumped to her feet in an effort to loosen my hold on her but I wasn't about to give up so easily. Her chair fell back and so did mine when I got up.

"Explain you're actions from last night!" I demanded, tightening my hold.

"I don't remember okay!"

"Then remember what you did before forgetting." I pressured her wrist as she tried to scurry out of my hold: her face a mixture of confusion and stubbornness.

"Amber." I warned and pulled her into me, catching her waist very tightly with one arm while with my hand I gently yet firmly cupped her cheeks. "What happened? What did you do? You were clearly high last night, trust me love I know when a person is high when I see one." I emphasised yet she didn't utter a single word.

I scoffed and grimaced. "What a pity, stubborn to the bone I see." I muttered with disappointment. Her brown orbs widened and she pushed me back with force. I released her and stepped back. "I have no idea why you're acting this way or what you are talking about." Wh spoke honestly. I didn't know that coke abuse could cause a hangover but apparently it happened to her.

"One more attempt like this and I will
Consider it a breech in contract!" She hissed at me. And to her and my surprise, I burst into bleak laughter. "You know what the funny thing about this whole situation is, the irony," I said dryly. "Apparently you have a hangover. Turns out you were so emotionally broken last night that it caused a temporary black out in your mind." I inferred. Her brows furrowed at my ameteur diagnosis of her mental status.

She sighed deeply. "I need to go, I'm already late."

"Oh you're not going anywhere. You see while you were out for so long, I made some arrangements." I smiled wryly.

"What arrangements?"

"You're not going anywhere. You are not to set foot outside of this house until I've solved or more like cured your present ailment."

"What?" She exclaimed and began to walk away.

"I know about the cocaine!" I claimed. She stopped dead in her tracks; I saw her back recoil in tension as she turned to face me, her expression one of shock and anger. I had already gotten to her biggest secret and there was no way that I'm about to let her deny it.

I smirked. At last I got to her. "You see what the bad thing about not knowing one another is Amber? That you aren't aware of information that you could've used to your advantage. You see, you didn't know that I campaigned against drugs in college and I had done extensive research on it too." I revealed.

Her face had paled out, draining all the colour while her eyes just stared at me with fury. "And I didn't know that you were an addict, ergo, I would never had let this happen. It's my fault that it has come to this: you've slipped from being an addict to an abuser." I spoke with all the anger that had possessed me ever since I came to know about all this.

She opened her mouth to say something but I beat her to it. "And don't try to deny it. I hated having to pry into your privacy but it had to be done. I've already disposed of the cocaine."

"You what?!" She shrieked. I folded my arms across my chest as the colour returned to her face and turned bright red. "Do you have any idea how expensive that was?" She hissed through clenched teeth.

I shrugged nonchalantly. "I don't care,"

Her body was quivering with anger and she passed by me with quick steps. I saw her retreat to her study but she'll be very surprised when she'll come to know that things aren't going to the same as they were. "Where are my keys?" She shouted as the door flew when she stood at the frame with her purse hanging open in her hand.

"They are with me," I replied calmly. She rushed to me and stood in front of me with her body shaking with anger and her eyes in a rage. "Give. Them. To. Me. Now!" She said as calmly as she could muster but I had noticed the impatience and panic in her tone.

"No," I said calmly and quietly.

"I said, give me my keys. Right now!" She demanded sharply.

"And I said no," I replied with the same urgency.

All of a sudden, she pounced at me and caught my collar. "Give them to me!" She screamed. I schooled a composed expression and caught her wrists from my collar and forcibly removed them. I began to drag her to the bedroom and threw her harshly on the bed. Turning back, i locked the door and threw the key in my pocket.

Turning back to her, I caught her wrists again and threw her on the bed very harshly when she tried to get up. "Enough is enough Amber!" I shouted, my voice loud and authoritative. She froze in her place.

"I have been far too lenient with you. Thus far, you've only seen my good side and have taken full advantage of it. But from now on you're going to see a completely different side of me." I avowed.

It took her some time to come out of her state of stupor but as soon as she did, she stood up and walked to me, her palm landing on my face in a sharp slap. I gawked at her, one hand rubbing my throbbing cheek while the other one fisted tightly at my side.

"Who the fuck do you think you are? Ordering me around and shouting at me!" She seethed, her eyes throwing daggers at me. "Someone who is three years younger then me had the audacity to shout at me and that too in my own home! How fucking dare you?!" She shrieked and grabbed my collar again.

"I am your fucking husband!" I snapped, my nerves shot. Catching her wrists roughly, I glared into her eyes. "Dare to cross me again Amber and you will regret it. I hate drug addicts." I declared. She flinched.

"And I most certainly don't want to hate you. So I'm going to make sure that you are rehabilitated." I said and pulled her into my embrace. "You're my only family and I'm not about to lose you too." I said softly to her but my anger was still a grand determinant.

She pushed me away. "I don't give a fuck!" She snapped. "Divorce me for all I care and get it over with! You are no one to dictate my life!"

That's it.

I grabbed her chin painfully that she began to wince and pounded her fists on my chest but I didn't let her go and pulled her into me by her waist. "I dare you to say that again!" I said in a dangerously grave low voice. She stopped struggling and gawked at me, a sense of fear entering her eyes.

I didn't want to reveal this side of myself but I had no choice. People used to tell me that whenever I was furious or angry beyond reprieve, my eyes would go dark and a dangerous and intimidating expression would overcome me so the first thing that I learned after embracing Islam was to erase this part of myself because I didn't know what I was capable of when I'm this angry. I even beat up a guy in college once when I was in this state. all I would see is red and I would be so angry beyond repair that I would even kill; my conscience dampened at the moment.

And Amber had let the flood gates open. Now there's no going back.

"You-you're breaking my demands," her voice came out as a whisper, she eyes still staring at me in shock. My grip on her chin was forcing her to look at me in the eyes. "you can't force your intentions on me." She said weakly. I scoffed and smirked self satisfactorily. Releasing her chin, I caressed her hair but gripped the nape of her neck in a painful way to pass my point to her. She hissed in pain, her hand automatically reaching towards mine as her eyes cried out to me but for the time being, I was too consumed by my anger and disgust to look back now.

"Sue me for all I care. But I'm going to make sure that you detox whether you like it or not and when you're in the clear, then you can do whatever you want."

WELL WHAT DO YOU THINK?
Cocaine huh? I bet none of you thought of that!

Vote and comment.