I know what I did was impulsive and stupid and I do regret it. I mean, after all those insults on a man's ego and manhood, I wouldn't have been surprised if Zac would've hit me but he didn't.

I saw him quiver with anger and his eyes ablaze. He wanted so badly to either hit me or hurt something to let out his anger but he didnt.

Forever a gentleman, that much became apparent.

But my ego was bigger. I couldn't take it easy unless I knew that he didn't or did have a problem. After that disastrous morning, i spend the night at the hospital but the next daybwhen i came back, i found the apartment empty. I became worried. He was a stranger to this city and he still didnt know much about the whereabouts of karachi.He wouldnt even attend my calls or reply to my messages but when I called his secretary, my worry ended on knowing that he was staying at one of the company's  affiliated hotels and was coming to work.

And when he threw his reports on my face, I knew that I had to apologize for my jumping to conclusions. It's my fault, I've kept him in the dark. I think if I come clean about my ulterior motives then maybe he'll understand and cooperate with me. It was  hard for me to swallow my ego but I knew that the right thing to do was to apologize. After all, I still need him.

I was waiting for him that night but he didn't come back. He was still sulking. I cant blame him for doung so. I decided that i would pay him a visit in his office and then apologize. However, I was taken aback when he showed up so late at night and in a disheveled state.

And he left without so much as a reason and i don't know why i didn't ask him the reason as well-- its not like i don't have any interest in knowing about him but i feared that if i inquired, then perhaps i would be intruding in his privacy.

His sudden leave to America got me worried-- its not like our relationship was in a stable state at the moment: what if he decides to not come back? What then? if he left in such a hurry then it only means that he had an emergency and it must involve his grandmother: I understand that he's  very close to her. Allah, I hope nothing bad happened. It must've been serious otherwise he wouldn't have left in a hurry.

And his reply, 'I don't know'

Goes to show that he's indecisive. Maybe my suspicion is correct. Maybe he really isn't going to come back.

Fine by me I suppose.

Thank God that i didn't tell about my marriage to anyone-- his appearance at the hospital was covered up that he was an associate of mine from the US embassy. Only Haleema knew the truth.

Oh well, even if I'm expecting divorce then it's okay. I had anticipated it anyway but for some reason, my heart is feeling a small pain-- like I don't want it to end or something.

But of course, you can't force someone to stay with you especially when you never gave their any importance and made them feel disrespected.

So, I will have to go to the US and settle the matter because it was stipulated in our contract that if it came to divorce then I'll be the one to set the terms.

My visa wasn't expired yet so five days after his departure, I made the decision to leave. It wasn't easy to book my ticket especially when flights  scheduled to NYC were limited so I got a flight to Washington DC instead.

After twenty seven hours, I arrived back in DC. Luckily, I got an early flight to New York the next day. I arrived late. Thankfully I knew Zac's address.

When the cab stopped I'm front of his condo building, I felt nervous all of a sudden. "That'll be $19, ma'am." The can driver said. I quickly gave him the money and jumped out of the cab.

I don't know what's going on with me. Throughout this whole week and during the flight I didn't feel anything or thought of anything then why now? Is it because the moment of truth is so near? Maybe so.

I swallowed hard. It was freezing out here and all I had a thin jacket. Of course the weather here was going to be cold but I left in such a hurry that I didn't bother to bring much with me.

I clenched the strap of my shoulder bag tightly. I was feeling butterflies in the pit of my stomach--its funny how I'm feeling uneasy just like how I felt when I was going to meet him for the first time. The freezing atmosphere was uncomfortable but not as much as the feelings in was feeling.

Was I actually afraid? Was I afraid that my fear would be proven right and this might be my last time with him? But why? I thought I had prepared myself for this. So far he's only been a pawn at my hands. A means to an end then why? Why do I feel so queasy at the thought of him leaving me? I had never formed any sort of emotional attachment towards him.

Maybe because we shared a few intimate moments togther, that's why? Or maybe because I was feeling guilty because he's been nothing but a gentleman towards me and I was nothing short of a bitch towards him.

I suppose a divorce would be better for both of us. We have different personalities and we are poles apart. He wouldn't have survived with a woman as insufferable as me anyway. He deserves better.

I shrugged and composed myself. My mind is made up now. For better or for worse, I'm ready.

Though I have to admit, there's nothing significant that will last out of this marriage. I'll offer divorce and set the terms. A khula is what I can offer. I never had any hope in this marriage anyway. The only good or otherwise useless thing that'll come out of it is that now I have an experience: a gora experience of an American marriage.

I breathed in deeply. The air was cold. Even in the stillness around me, I could hear the fast beating of my own heart. I could even feel the heat of my own flushed face.

I was feeling down now. Of course I would. I have brought this upon myself because I'm too stubborn and too egotistic. Of course, Zac has no reason to stay with a woman like me—someone as handsome and nice as him would never look good standing beside a plain jane like me—I mean, look at me, I'm so plain and ugly and fat. I had prayed so hard that if I had become pregnant, our child would resemble Zac. But alas, Allah didn't grant my wish.

Of well, I know I'll regret it now but it'll pass. I'll sure miss the intimate and thrilling nights that we spent together. I mustered up courage and willed my legs to move.I know what I have to do—mostly importantly, I have to apologize for my attitude and false accusations on him.

I contemplated about staying in a hotel—there was no way that I was about to disturb Jason and his wife again. Otherwise they would insist that I stay with them. But I don't know why, my heart was restless and telling me that I should see Zac as soon as possible. A part of me believed that he was in trouble or in some sort of pain.

Huh? How did that happen?

I began to walked towards the building and soon I found myself near his door. My already accelerated heart began to race even harder. I felt my hands quiver.

Okay Bree . . . . you can do this. Wait a minute, why am I calling myself by that silly nickname that he had given me? I mean I don't mind it, after all, when he used to call me Bree, I felt special.

No! stop it Amber, pull yourself together. Just prepare yourself. There isn't going to be anyone to call you Bree again. There's just going to be Amber.

Somehow, when the realization hit me that I was going to be alone again, it scared me and I felt sad. But I have to be strong now. I cant break down ever. Just be the stoic and indifferent Amber that you've always been.

I sighed and rang the bell. After two minutes or so, the door opened to reveal a gloody dull looking Zackriya. A low gasp escaped my lips and my eyes widened at the sight in front of me.

What happened? He looked so pale, his face harboring a five o clock shadow and his blond hair tousled in a mess. His cheek bones had become so prominent and his shoulders slouched sloppily—but this isn't want surprised me. His jolly kind blue eyes were lifeless and full of sadness and despair. Large grey bags smeared under his eyes.

I was right; something really bad has happened.

"What are you doing here Amber?" he asked in a cold tone. I inwardly flinched. He had never used that tone before—it made him look so terrifying and angry. But I remained composed. I can't be how I had planned to be now—I have to deal with this situation in a gentle manner.

"May I come in please?" I said in a polite voice. Is brows furrowed slightly. Sighing, he gave me passage to enter. I stepped in and he closed the door behind me. I felt this presence behind me but it was short lived when I saw him retreat to another room. I silently followed him to come to know that it was the bedroom and he fell right into the bed. I slowly approached him. He was fast asleep. No wonder he looked so terrible. Of course, what do I expect from him at 4 am in the morning? After all, he's sleeps early and would get up by fajr.

I looked around and noticed that the room was in a mess. Everywhere there were objects of different kinds—my eyes caught the attention of various scrapbooks and picture albums lying on the floor next to the closet and bed. I crouched down and saw they were picture albums of his childhood. Most of them were of his grandmother.

Something must've happened to her. I surely ask him when in the morning.

But what really bothered me and made me feel uneasy was the dirt and dust settled almost everywhere in the room. I frowned and got back to the lounge only to find it in the same state.

I need to clean this place up. I looked around for some brooms and mops. As soon as I got my hands on them, I silently and carefully cleaned around the condo. An hour later, I felt so tired and fatigued that I fell on the couch.

**********

I woke up to the smell of fresh coffee. Slowly, I opened my eyes. I was lying comfortably on a warm place. The pillow felt to nice and I felt well rested. The bed was so warm and comfortable. My eyes snapped open.

Wait a second, how did I get on the bed? I slowly sat up.

"Good morning."

I was startled at his greeting and jumped. He stood in the door way, holding two coffee mugs. I rubbed my eyes and yawned. Glancing at my wrist watch only to jump straight of bed. Oh my God, I cant believe I slept in till noon.

"What's wrong?" he inquired. I gawked at him. It was so cold out of the warm bed that my arms instinctively wrapped around myself. "I slept in." I replied, my voice thick so I quickly cleared my throat. He looked at me with blank eyes and nodded. "What do you expect after such a long flight. Of course you'd be tired." He commented. His eyes were full of concern fr me as he said this. It sort of melted my heart. Even in the state in which I witnessed him earlier, he still cared about my well being.

"Here," he forwarded a mug to me. "Thanks," I mumbled and took it. He sat on the edge of the bed and gestured me to sit down too. I obeyed. "You know you could've slept on the bed." He muttered.

I took a sip. "I didn't realize that I fell asleep on the couch."

"You're lucky that I found you in time otherwise you would've frozen to death." He stated dryly, without any hint of amusement or concern lacing his tone. I cant believe it—I thought that he would be angry with me and yet he carried me to the bed so that I wouldn't be uncomfortable."And there wasn't any need for you to clean the condo." He said, his eyes

"I felt like doing it." I mumbled. "Anyways, I wanted to ask you, how are you? Is everything okay?" I inquired. Something flashed in his eyes as his brows jumped up but he only looked at me with guarded eyes.

He drank his coffee and then looked at me with an arraigning stare. "What's the matter? You concerned? Did you come to check up on your sperm bank?" he jeered mockingly that left me gobsmacked as chills ran down my spine. Before the mug could fall from my hands, I placed in on the floor.

I never knew that he could be this angry with me. He's still pissed about our last encounter. "N-no," I stammered. His eyes were hard. He's giving me a taste of my own medicine. Okay maybe I deserve what's coming to me. No gairat-mand (Prideful/respectful) man would ever tolerate the kind of insult and humiliation that I made him suffer. I should've expected this from him.

"I just came to see how you were. You left in such a hurry that I couldn't ask then and your phone was disconnected too." I reasoned. He glared at me and sighed. "Gran died. I came to attend her funeral." He said in monotone and his head fell between his shoulders, his hands holding the coffee mug in a death grip that his knuckles turned white.

I froze in shock. She's dead? That kind old lady is gone—she was his only family and now he's miserable and lonely without her. I looked at him with sympathy. I took the mug from his hands before he could break it and touched his shoulder tenderly.

Abruptly, I fell on my back on the bed with him gripping me so tightly as if his life depended on it. "Zac?" I muttered and hugged him back.

His soft sobs silenced me. He needs me. I need to comfort him.

"Shh, it's okay." I murmured and gently rubbed his stiff back.

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