I arrived at New York three days after i got the news. As soon as i landed, i went straight to Jake. He had prepared all the funeral arrangments and was waiting for me. Almost all of my family was present there.

"I think you should rest first. You look like crap" Jake said to me. But i shook my head. "Just, please take me to wherw she is." I muttered and threw my bag away. He lead me to where Gran was. I didnt want to believe that she was no more.

When we entered the room, i couldnt hold it in anymore and my eyes flowed freely. I saw her resting in a casket, her face was pale and her body lifeless. I couldn't keep my balance anymore and almost fell near the casket. Jake came to my side and quickly head me by my shoulders.

"Thats it buddy, calm down." He uttered in a gentle tone and rubbed my shoulders to relax me. I looked at him in surprise: Jake has always been hard and strict with me. But this was the first time that my big brother was being kind to me. He helped me sit near the casket.

With shaking hands, i took in Gran's delicate wrinkled hand. The warm hand that once passed lovingly over my head was now cold as ice. I brought her knuckles to my lips and kissed them. Jake left me there to spend my last moments with her.

"Hey beautiful," i started and tried to control my tears. "You look great not to mention your hair and .  .  .  , " i trailed away.

Scoffing, i squeezed my eyes shut and inhaled deeply. "Oh, who am i kidding?" I muttered in a broken tone and bowed my head low. "Im sorry Gran. I couldn't be here for you when you needed me the most. I'm so sorry that i turned out to be such a disappoinment. Gran, my life is already a wreck and without you it'll be in shambles. How can i keep on going without you?" I sobbed silently and held her hand tightly like my life depended on it.

"If only i hadn't left you alone, i would've spent as much time with you as i wanted." I cried without any reserve. Who cares if anyone saw me this way. The person who meant the world to me is gone.

"Why did you leave me so soon? I really need you Gran." I muttered, my voice breaking. I forwarded my hand and touched her cheek. "Oh Allah, why did you take her away from me so quickly?"

The last time i was this broken was when Grandpa had died. Gran wouldn't calm down so i had to be strong for her but now that she's gone, who's going to be there for me? Who's going to be my anchor? Who's going to be my family?

Amber's face flashed in my mind.

Her? No, she never owned me. She never gave me any importance. How am i suppose to live the rest of my life with a woman like her?

Don't ever think that you made a mistake because when I saw Amber, I knew that she was the right woman for you.

Gran's words echoed in my mind. The last advise that she gave me delivered that she was happy with my choice. And she wanted me to keep my marriage live and healthy.

I tried to smile but failed. Even at that moment, she only thought of me.

I dont know when i fell asleep. Jake woke me up and informed me that the funeral was about to commence. I nodded and retired to a restroom. Splashing water on my face, i saw my face in the mirror-- God, i was a mess.

I wore the black suit that jake got for me and willed myself into silent composure.

When i entered the funeral home, i saw many of my relatives rathered here. Even my parents were here but they ignored me like i wasn't even there.

Its fine. I don't mind their cold attitude. Im used to being ignored by them anyway. After the priest passed a prayer, i was called on the rostrum to offer Gran's eulogy. Surprised at the sudden call, jake ushered me towards the stage. I had no idea what to say. All eyes were on me. Even my parents were giving me a blank stare. I swallowed and started.

"She was the most charming, compassionate and loving woman that i ever knew. All her life, she lived loving others and being there for those who always needed her. Now she's gone, reuniting with the love of her life. May God grant her peace and a place in heaven. Ameen." I spoke and stopped when i felt like my voice would break. I got down from the stage and took my seat. Next my father went and then my uncle. All the while i was simply wallowing in my grief.

The day passed by. When everyone was gone, i stayed behind and stood by her grave for i dont know how long until Jake dragged me out of cemetery. He took me to his apartment and i just collapsed on the bed and passed out.

When i woke up the next day, i decided to go to the senior home and collect Gran's things. After breakfast, i thanked Jake for his concern. He insisted that i stay with him for a day or two but i knew better then to burden him further. I thanked him and left for my apartment. Its been two months since I've been away and i never thought that i would come back to such a situation.

My apartment was the same as i had left it except that it had gotten a lot dusty. But I'm not gonna bother cleaning it now. My car was fine too. I immediately left for the senior home. When i got there, many of the seniors were happy to see me. They wouldn't stop talking about Gran that it made my already broken heart swell and wretch with pain.

When i got to her room, her scent of soft jasmines still lingered there. Its strange because usually old people develop a certain odor even grandpa had but not Gran--she always wore her favorite perfume. Unconsciously, i found myself standing near her drawer and picking up her bottle of perfume. I inhaled it. My bottled up emotions were beginning to surface up so i quickly grabbed a few boxes and gently placed the important items that i came to get.

I went straight to the masjid. I found some peace in prayer. I prayed for Gran's forgiveness: even though she wasn't a Muslim but she was a God fearing and deeply spiritual person--i hope that Allah forgives her and grants her mercy.

I dont know for how long i stayed in the masjid. After  isha prayer i went back home. After a shower, i dressed into my pajamas and brought Gran's stuff. I looked at the many photo albums that she possessed as well a few other things. I saw her personally diary. Passing my palm tenderly over it, i wanted to see what she had written inside but i wasnt going to pry in her personal thoughts. I was going to put it back in the box when a sealed envelop fell from it on the floor.

I saw that it was addressed to me. I opened it and saw that there was also something else in there. I took it out only to be frozen in my place. It was my Grandpa's Oklahoma ranger's pin. It was their most prized possession and they never let anyone touch it. They told me that this was Grandpa's first prize tgat he won on their date when he decided to compete in and Rangers routine mision that later caused him to join the army. There wasn't any time that I didn't see  him wear it and after his death, my Gran took care of it and she never let anyone touch it.

My grandparents weren't rich people but they were very off after all a retired Colonel of the United states  makes a good living and his pension is no joke as well.

I gazed at the pin and then opened the letter.

"Dearest Zackary,

I want you to have this pin. I think you know it's value plenty well. Your father and tend uncles  badly wanted this pin buy before  he died, your grandfather had requested me that I pass this on to you and you alone. This pin has witnessed the lives of two happy individuals and i hope that it continues  to see the lives of two new youngsters leading a life of happiness and prosperity.

Be happy, my beloved son.

Your Gran."

I smiled and clenched the pin in my palm. Thank you Gran. I'll cherish it forever.

**********

Why is grief such a disastrous  feeling?

It's like suspended animation--you're  just at a standstill. You can't move. Neither look back or move forward. You feel stuck at one point in a large space.

It's been a week since I came back and I've completely isolated myself. Sometimes I go to a park for a walk but then my hearts feels even more heavy. It's mid of January and it's snowing as usual.

My phone kept ringing so I shut it down. I just don't want to deal with people right now.When Grandpa had died, I was a new convert but the grief was so much for me that I started drinking however, later I repent.

And even now, shaitan was tempting me towards sin but alhamdulillah, my emaan kept me safe from it.

I wasn't allowing myself to think either. Jake came to check up on me once and after that, I was grateful that he didn't come again. I still recall the conversation we had:

"It's okay Jake, I'm fine. You don't need to worry." I said to him. He swallowed his coffee and gazed at me with thoughtful eyes.

"Anyone can see that your not. We all know that grandma meant more to you then anyone else. I'm just worried that you  aren't able to cope with the pain of her loss."

"Its okay. I'll manage. You don't need to worry."

"Of course I'll worry. Your my little brother after all. I know that your situation with mom and dad is sour at the moment, and even though it took me some time to come to terms and accept your change, I want you to know that I'm here for you. After all, grandma once asked me to take care of you." He conveyed.

His comments had left me gobsmacked. I never knew that jake could have a soft corner for someone. In our father's strict upbringing, he was always tough and even mean but this was a new side to him  that i was witnessing. Maybe getting out of our father's shadow and getting independent, he's changed and I'm just now noticing because we haven't had much interaction after I left for college.

My mind was still in conflict and I found it hard to come to a decision.

**********

I woke up, startled at the sound of the door bell ringing. I glanced at the clock. Who could it be at 4 am in the morning? I got up and donned my jacket. God it was cold. Turning on the lights of the lounge, I staggered towards the main door. Without bothering to look through the eye hole, I opened the door only to be shocked.

Frozen in my place, my eyes scanned her face. Is she here? For real?

I should be happy but I'm not.

"What are you doing here Amber?" I said coldly. Her eyes widened a bit but she schooled an expression of composure as usual.

"May I come in, please?" She inquired, her tone polite.

Aoa peeps, how have you all been? So what do you think so far of the story? Alhamdulillah, I try my best to update asap but I also want readers so that this book may reach high ranks in the catagory, if you guys can plz promote this book as much as you can, I'll really appreciate it because I mainly write this story on my phone when I am attending classes. That's y I want this story to be read by many people because inshaa Allah  it's gonna be a different story and very unique too, that I promise.

Until next time inshaa Allah.

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