AMBER ZAID

Desperate.

That's what I am.

Hysterical? Maybe. Soon enough.

I'm desperate to get pregnant but I don't want to show it. It'll be a sign of weakness if I showed Zac how desperate I was. But it's been two months and I see no signs of getting pregnant. The fertility treatment that I got was full proof then that means that the problem isn't with me. It must be with Zac. I will have to ask him to get tested for any problems.

However, his attempt today has me baffled. No on has ever done this for me. I haven't celebrated my birthday in over five years. I got so used to being alone that I never expected anyone to do something this . . . . Sweet for me.

I was grateful that my assistant called me in because it was getting hard for me to remain expressionless in his presence. I was relieved as well because we was beginning to get personal with me.

I mustn't let him. I need to show him his place. He can't know about me; I won't let him. If he breaks my barriers then there's nothing left in me but loneliness and despair and I won't be able to concentrate on my work if I got distracted like that.

I know one thing for sure; this marriage is just a means to an end. I know that my behavior will be a reason for him to leave me in the future therefore, I will not get close to him and I will not let him get close to me.

That's the risk that I have taken and I'm prepared to bear the consequences for this sham of a marriage. I know that I'm giving up on it or at least I'm willing to anyways, but sometimes, looking into his honest blue eyes, I can't help but hope that I'm wrong and this marriage might last.

But then, my mind recalls my goal and purpose for this marriage. Therefore, I will not allow myself to grow soft or let anything hinder me from my path.

After I was done in the ER, I sighed and decided to retire to home. But as soon as a I saw Haleema, my childhood friend, walking towards me, I had an urge to run away because i was about to get an earful from her. But I remained unfazed and walked.

"Wait there missy. You've got some serious explaining to do." She caught my hand and stopped me. I sighed and released my hand. "What are you talking about?" I asked nonchalantly.

"Don't give me that!" She snapped. Oh God, she's pissed now. She dragged me into her office and locked the door and kept the key so I wouldn't be Able to leave. I rolled my eyes at her-- so typical of her.

"Why the hell didn't you tell me that you got married? And that too to an American?" She yelled. I closed my eyes and began to massage my temples. "Haleema can we not do this now. I have a headache." I said in a low tone.

"Aha, so you admit it. Come here."

"Haleema I'm really tired so please can we do this another time." I asked in a tired tone because I wasn't in the mood to fill in any inquiries.

"Don't give me that bullshit Amber. I can't believe you. We've been friends since childhood. I have never hidden anything from you so imagine my surprise when I hear from the staff that an unknown gora came to see you and took you away. If I couldn't assume that he was your husband then I wouldn't know you better but because I do. I'm hurt Amber. How could you not tell me?" She rambled.

Oh God, here goes her sentimental rambling. I'm going to give Zac an earful when I get back. I had tried my best not to let anyone know about him especially Haleema but now that the cats out of the bag, I suppose I'll have to fulfil the formalities.

"Haleema," I started and stared at her. She had folded her arms against her chest and was glaring at me. I sighed. "I meant to tell you but I just didn't get the time." I stated.

"Oh really? Amber do you really expect me to believe that? It's been five months that you've been back and you didn't even bother to tell me about it. I'm you best friend foe God's sake." She cried and looked hurt. I remained conposed.

"Whatever Haleema, don't make a big deal out of everything. I'll make it up to you, okay." I said in monotone and pretended like her words didn't effect me. She stared at me for a little while.

"You've changed so much in these past years Amber. You were never this careless or nonserious about life as you are now." She stated. I sighed and rolled my eyes. "And now that you're married, please don't keep that attitude."

"I had no intention of letting anyone know Haleema." I declared without any feelings. She was taken aback at my words. "I didn't want anyone to know about him otherwise it would create problems for me and the least I want right are unwanted worries and problems. But now that you know, please try to keep this information to yourself." I told her coldly. She flinched at my stoic reaponse.

"Amber, you don't want to let your parents know, is that it?" She asked out of the blue. I winced at her inquiry but remained composed.

"I don't know what you're talking about. So don't make an issue out of this." I demanded and took the kep from her palm. I know that I hurt her with my strict and cold attitude but I can't help but be cold towards everyone. I can't afford to be distracted by my emotions otherwise it'll trigger my worst memories that I have fought to kept hidden at the far corners of my mind, would return to haunt me.

So, I'll do what I can do best; pretend that I don't have any emotions and use people like the tools that they are.

So when I get home, I'll use him like I have been but for that, I need confidence and lots of it. And I know where I can get it from.

**********

It's January now. My date was closing in and I was on edge. I was so agitated that it was beginning to drive me insane.

However, when 10th arrived, I didn't have my period. Actually, two days passed and my period was late. I began to grow hopeful. And surprisingly excited. My mood got better and I think Zac noticed it too.

However, I shouldn't have gotten so excited. Because as soon as my leg cramps started, i knew that my period started. When i was done in the bathroom, i felt tears in my eyes and my face going red with rage.I knew that I was done for and I was in a foul mood now. I felt like breaking glass in my rage so i went to the kitchen, took all the glasses that came to my hands and began to break them one by one. As each glass shattered, my anger dissipated a bit.

Why the fuck wasn't I getting pregnant?

Why the hell won't it just happen?

**********

ZACKRIYA ISLAM

I woke up with a start when I heard something shattering outside the room. I donned my slippers and rushed outside. The noise was coming from the kitchen and as soon as I approached the entrance, something came flying and shattering on the floor. That's when I realized that it was Bree and she was breaking the crockery.

"Amber!" I yelled but she ignored me and broke a cup. When I looked at her face, her eyes were livid and her expression reflected an unknown fury.

Before she could break anything else, I quickly caught her wrists. She looked at me and a confused look flashed in her eyes until realization hit her.

"What the fuck do you want?" She hissed and glared at me intensely. I winced at the way she said it.

"What's wrong Bree? Why are you breaking stuff? Are you okay?" I inquired in a soft tone. Her eyes flared up and she pushed me away.

"What's wrong with me? What the fuck do think could be wrong with me? Nothing is wrong with me!" She snapped.

"I'm perfectly fine. On the contrary, I would like to ask you; is there something wrong with you?" She spoke in a loud voice which tremored with anger.

"Excuse me?" I asked in bewilderwent. "I'm perfectly alright. There's nothing wrong with me. What made you say that?" I enquired.

"Really?" She hissed, her eyes becoming slits. "Because if you are alright then that means that there is something wrong with me but I can assure you that there isn't." She stated firmly.

I frowned. "What are you talking about?"

"Isn't it onvious. Okay well if you don't understand then I'll come right out and say it. Are you impotent?"

Her query not only shocked me but also shook me to my very core. Me? Impotent?

What the hell!

"Watch it!" I snapped, my voice turning grim. "Watch what you're saying. How dare you say something like this to me?" I raised my voice and my body was beginning to shake with anger.

"If there isn't anything wrong with you then tell me, why am I not getting pregnant yet?" She shrieked in the same tone. I frowned.

"What does this have anything to do with you getting pregnant?" I asked in a calmer tone this time. Her face was absolutely ablaze with fury and she took a cup and threw it furiously on the floor beside me. I remained composed as she vented.

"It has everything do with it. I got treated for fertility in New York so you can't say that there is anything wrong with me. That treatment is full proof and I should've gotten pregnant after a month of us consummating our marriage but I didn't. So that means that there is something wrong with you." She shouted, her voice resonatex with so much desperation.

"So what? This kind of thing is in God's hands Amber." I tried to pacify her in a gentle tone but with every word she spoke, it felt as if she was passing a spear through my heart.

"No, its in our hands too. If I can't get pregnant then what's the point of this marriage." She revealed.

"What's the point of this marriage? What do you mean?" I just can't understand what she's going on about.

"Of course, its so we can start a new relationship and perhaps something more . . . , " I trailed off when something clicked.

"Unless, you only married me to get pregnant?" I enquired. I found this not only offensive but if she confirms my suspicions, then it'll be too much for my pride to take.

Her shoulders slacked and her face schooled a composed expression: the same annoying blank look entered her eyes.

"Say whatever you want to say: all that matters to me is that I get pregnant." She stated in a firm tone. "I care for nothing else." She affirmed.

I swallowed hard as her words sank in and with each word that echoed in my mind, it sent a sharp piercing pain through my heart.

"So, all this time, you've been using me?"

She answered me with silence.

"So," i shook my head. "Has this marriage always been a means to an end?" I spoke with little emotion although inside I was struggling to settle down.

"That's right: for me, you've been nothing but a halal sperm donar for me. Nothing more and nothing less. And if you're impotent then,"

"AMBER!" I shouted so loud that maybe the neighbors must've heard it as well. But I don't care anymore. Anger was furiously coursing through my body and I quivered with it. My hands rolled into fists and I tried my best not to get out of control.

But screw this: screw being good guy. There's only so much that my pride could take. I desperately wanted to hit something to cool down my head so I directed my attention towards the wall behind me and punched it with all my strength.

But my shoulders still shook with fury. I saw red and my muscles ached to launch an offensive.

I'm nothing but a sperm bag for her? Nothing but a legal way to have a kid?

But this wasn't what I was angry at: I was angry at my own simplicity. I was so naive to think that this marriage was anything special. I treated it like it meant everything to me and I gave it my all or at least almost did but Amber, she never thought anything of this marriage.

For her, there was always an ulterior motive behind this marriage. How easily she manipulated and monopolized me. She took full advantage of my naivety and used me for all I was worth.

"You know Amber," I muttered once I felt myself cool down a bit. "I was such a fool. Thanks for opening my eyes. I was in a freaking fantasy land and hoping for a fairytale marriage. I don't know if you'd call me stupid for thinking such things but now my eyes are open. Forget about love, I thought that if we had nothing then at least we might have respect for one another. But I guess I was wrong." I said and turned around to face her.

Her confidence never wavered and she stared at me with full ferocity. "Now I understand why you didn't want to marry a man younger then yourself. Becauee then he would've have been able to handle such situations with a cool head but I'd beg to differ. You treated this marriage as a means to gain something while i was always was honest towards it. If you continue to treat this marriage as just a mutualistic bond then I would have to pull out." I threatened in hopes to get her to understand because I'm not willing to give up so soon. I know That she's a difficult woman to handle but I still want to break her barriers and make her listen to reason.

"As far as we are concerned," she started. "You are just a husband who is here to fulfil the needs of his wife and nothing more. You aren't allowed to get emotionally involved with me. And as far as I am concerned, I am your wife and I have an obligation to only take care of your needs. Marriage doesn't necessarily demand that we get emotionally involved in ourselves." She declared in a calm tone, her brown hard eyes burying in mine. "And if I don't, then I see no reason to continue this marriage."

I swallowed hard as her words registered in my mind. She's given me her answer.

"As for anything else, I don't care. All I care about is that you get yourself checked. I'll get an appointment for you on coming monday. Be there." She ordered and left the kitchen. I can't believe that my threat didn't work on her.

She left me dumbfounded and flabbergasted.

What just happened?

So if I had to name our relationship as anything, then was it nothing but a physical relationship till now?

I sighed and tried to calm myself. Taking a broom from the corner, I began to sweep the broken pieces of glass and ceramics.

My mind was completely in chaos.

Oh Allah, what should I do? I have no idea how to handle this situation. I desperately need to come up with a solution and soon.

Please just help me oh Lord.

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