Sirius Black pulled his pocket watch from the small pocket of his vest, popping it open to check the time. "Last record, achieved in fourth year and never beaten, was four minutes and forty-seven seconds. Potter did it." Sirius looked up, licked his finger and held it up.

Remus raised an eyebrow, "What's that supposed to do?"   

"Checking the direction the air is blowing, like in that pirate film we watched that time out in the Shack," Sirius answered.

Remus blinked. "Alright, first off, we're inside."

"So?"

"There is no wind inside," Remus said, in disbelief that he had to spell such a thing out. "Secondly, what on earth does the direction of the wind have to do with how fast a mattress will slide down the stairs?"

"Its science, Moonpie."

"You're completely mad," Remus said.

"As long as its completely," Sirius grinned. "Can't blame me for only doing something halfway, huh?"

"I s'pose," Remus mumbled.

Sirius angled the ratty old mattress a bit and stepped down to the third step, standing before it and wiggling his arse before setting down, using his thick boots as brakes. He leaned back. "You ready to set a new record for fastest trip to the Entrance Hall?"

"No," Remus answered. "You're mental! This is bullocks! We're literal, actual adults."

"Oh let loose a little, Moony," Sirius said accusingly, "You're going to have to at University, you know, if you wish to be cool, that is."

"No more than I do here," Remus said.

"Well Moonshine," Sirius said, and he flung his arm about Remus's shoulder, drawing him near, "Here you're actually cool by association, see. James and I are cool as fuck, and you're our mate, so by association, so are you darling. But at University... well. James and I won't be there to give you that sheen of cool. You'll have to let loose and be your Moony self to them and earn it the same as you did with us lot."

Remus eyed Sirius uneasily. "You're full of shite."

"What, do you think people at University are there just for the learning?"

"Yes, actually."

"Wrong!" Sirius announced, "They go to University for things like drinks and hot witches."

"What do you know about hot witches?" Remus demanded.

Sirius dusted off his shoulder. "I was straight once."

Remus snorted - loudly. "You were straight and I'm the Minister for Magic!"

"I WAS!" Sirius persisted.

 "You were in denial more like."

Sirius shrugged.

Remus stared at the mattress, then peered over the railing, down, down, down the stairwell, which moved and coiled and spun about, the staircases shifting in their magical way. He glanced at Sirius, "What if the staircase shifts? What then, we just die or something? Have you thought about that at all?"

"Are you a wizard or not? Bloody hell, then we fly, Remus!"

"How do you mean --"

"Stop over analyzing everything and just get on board!"

Remus stared at Sirius for a long moment, then, muttering to himself, scrambled onto the mattress behind Sirius. "If we crash and die doing this rubbish, I will bloody kill you."

"If we crash and die doing this rubbish, I'll already be dead!" Sirius announced as he checked his watch one last time, and lifted his feet, "HERE WE GO!"

Remus clutched Sirius as the mattress tipped forward and the weight of their bodies propelled it forward. Sirius let out a long whooping shriek of excitement as the mattress skid down the stairwell, full speed, and Sirius grabbed brandished his wand, using it to magically steer the careening pile of mattress and boys as they zoomed down the staircase. Remus felt as though all the flesh on his face were being pushed back, like all his teeth were exposed by it, and Sirius's hair was flying in his face, whipping like a thick black flag.

"YEEEEEESSSSSSSSSS!!!!!" Sirius bellowed, "WHOOOOOOEEEEE!!!!!"

Suddenly Peeves was flying alongside them, as though swimming on his back, matching their speed perfectly. He cackled, "Loopy Loony Lupin and Sneaky Snoopy Sirius! Is you up to noooo good?"

"I SOLEMNLY SWEAR IT, PEEVES! JUST LOOKIT THIS MISCHIEF EY???" Sirius shouted, arms raised.

Peeves spun over and watched, "Only naughty if you get caughty!" he cackled.

Remus felt as though he might be sick. Between the speeding mattress, the danger of nearly missing several staircases, and the twisting and rolling figure of Peeves, he felt quite dizzy.

And then there was Professor Flitwick, the poor thing, muttering and walking along a corridor, innocently oblivious until — "OI WATCH OUT, FLIPWIG!" Sirius shouted. The tiny Professor squeaked and threw his papers in shock, leaping aside only just in time to avoid being struck like a bowling pin.

"Oh bloody hell," Remus covered his eyes.

"Hahahahha NOW you're in trouble!" Peeves sang, "Almost killed a professor, almost killed a professor!"

Sirius didn't seem bothered, and he simply continued on with his wild shouting and whooping until the mattress made its final turn onto the great staircase and actually did bowl over a whole row of Slytherin kids that had stayed at the school - including Regulus and Alabastar - and came to a skidding halt at the base of the entry doors, stopping so abruptly that Remus tumbled backwards off the mattress and landed on his back on the stone floor.

Sirius leaped to his feet, dizzy and wobbling, and drew out the pocket watch he had stowed away, popping it opened. "Damn," he said, looking at the time. "Four minutes and forty-nine seconds."

Remus groaned.

"Fuck it, we'll just tell James we beat his time," Sirius decided. He stepped over and scooped Remus up to his feet.

The Slytherins were glaring at them.

Sirius bowed, "Thank you ladies and gents, we're here 'til May!" And he dragged Remus off between the Slytherins, up the stairs, heading back to the dormitory, laughing. Then, "Oh bullocks. Accio mattress!" And the mattress flew forward, following him and Remus and nearly taking out the cluster of Slytherins yet again.

"TEN POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR!" Regulus shouted.

"ALL THE FUCKING POINTS FROM SLYTHERIN!" Sirius retorted, although he had no power, of course, to take any points at all.

Regulus scowled and hurried after Sirius and Remus, "You can't take any points off me, you don't even have the power to do it..."

"Careful before I flip this mattress right on your tiny little head," Sirius theatened and he dipped the mattress's flying height, making Regulus duck to one side.

"Could bloody take my head off with that," Regulus snapped.

Sirius stopped dead and fast and Regulus walked into him with a thump. Sirius reached down and grabbed something that Regulus had been carrying, yanking it out of his grasp. "Is this a fanged frisbee? I do believe these are banned objects, according to Filch's door."

"Give it here," Regulus demanded.

Sirius turned it over, "You know, I've always wanted one of these."

"Give it back."

"What's wrong, little brother, did mother never teach you to share?" Sirius teased, holding the disc high enough that Regulus couldn't reach it. Remus was hanging back, not looking pleased but also not daring to say anything to Sirius, either.

"It isn't mine to share, you mother f---"

"Well, well, well," came a voice - Filch himself had come 'round the corner just in time to see Sirius holding up the frisbee. "Sledding a mattress down the stairs, nearly killing a professor, AND in possession of banned goods!" He was beside himself with glee. "Sirius Black, I'll be needin' you in my office."

Sirius looked offended, "This isn't mine, I was just taking it from this... misguided young man..." he gestured at Regulus.

Regulus started to reply, but Filch interrupted before he could. "And lyin' too, 'ey?" Filch rubbed his hands together, "I'll be needin' to be sure I have enough cards for all your offenses..."

And it was off to Filch's office with Sirius Black, leaving Remus behind to levitate the mattress back to Gryffindor tower, and Regulus snickering quietly at his good fortune as he returned to the cluster of Slytherins mocking Sirius's more flambouyant gestures.

Some time later, in Filch's office, Sirius was sprawled across his usual chair, one leg up over the arm of it, kicking his booted foot in a rhythmic beat against the side of it, the other tilting the chair backward onto two legs and back down again on all fours. He yawned loudly and obnoxiously, and let his head loll about over the front end of the chair. Filch was filling out his card of offenses, listing on and on and on the various things that Sirius was being written up for this time. 

"Can't we just get on with it?" Sirius demanded, rolling his eyes, "Bloody hell... I've been here over an hour," he looked at his pocket watch, then stowed it safely away.

Filch's beady eyes peered at Sirius over the parchment he was writing his offenses on and Mrs. Norris purred, rubbing against Filch's hand. "Still working on coming up with a suitable punishment... what to recommend to Dumbledore..." muttered Filch.

"Tell him whatever you want, really, he's not going to follow through on it." Sirius said, then, "I'm going to be bloody late for dinner, Filch, c'mon. And over a fucking frisbee."

"BANNED OBJECT!" Filch snapped.

"It wasn't even mine," Sirius snorted.

"Then turn out your pockets," Filch demanded.

Sirius stared at Filch. "Why?"

"So I can confiscate anything else you're carrying about that you oughtn't be."

Sirius rolled his eyes, "I don't have anything that I ought not to have! Everything I have is mine and is therefore something I ought to have."

"Hiding something, you are..." Filch murmured. "Turn'em out."

Frustrated and annoyed, Sirius sat forward and reached in, extracting a good deal of things. The tiny shrunken motorbike, a folded up postcard from Costa Rica, a photo of himself and James when they were kids, a quill, some odd hard candies , the ring he was intending to give Remus eventually, a couple wizard and muggle coins, a small piece of mirror, and a bit of spare parchment.

Filch sifted through everything, then picked up the parchment, testing Sirius by unfurling it. "What's this?" he asked, looking it over.

"Parchment," Sirius said. "Left over from a class or something."

"So perfectly folded," Filch said, looking it over. "Crisp lines and all..."

"It's nothing, really," Sirius said, grabbing at it.

Filch looked at Sirius in suspicion. "What is it if you're wantin it so badly?" he eyed Sirius, then, "If it's a spare bit you won't mind if I'll just be throwing it here in the fire --"

"NO!" Sirius leaped for it and Filch wrenched his wrist at the last moment, sweeping it away from Sirius's grasp.

"AHA!" Filch declared, and he laid out the parchment on the desk. "It IS something, then."

Sirius said lamely, "Haven't you heard that the environment is at risk? Wasting paper is a horrible crime these days."

Filch wasn't paying attention, he was unfolding and refolding the parchment feverishly, "DO something," he snapped at it after many attempts at it. And, as though it understood him, the parchment did do something.

Curling black letters scrawled their way across the page.

Filch squinted, "What's that say?" He peered closer...

Mr. Moony would like to offer Mr. Filch his sincerest apologies for the things he is about to read.

Mr. Padfoot is actually kind of amazed that Mr. Filch CAN read, given what a barmy idiot he is at practically everything else.

Mr. Wormtail is astonished as well, and wonders when Mr. Filch will next be taking a bath as he smells so bad even the gosds are choking.

Mr. Prongs can't come up with an insult right now - he's too busy laughing at how utterly they just destroyed our squibby little mate.

Sirius choked back his laughter as Filch stared, shocked, at the parchment. He looked up, angry as anything Sirius had ever seen. "Keepin this, I am..." 

"No, c'mon, it's mine," Sirius demanded, grabbing for the Marauders Map, but Filch hurriedly opened a drawer and dropped it in, slamming it shut with the click of a muggle lock.

Remus meanwhile, waiting for Sirius to return, had gone up to the dormitory, which was empty. He wondered where Peter had gone off to, and returned the mattress they'd used in their escapades to Sirius's never-used bed. Then, he hung up his jacket and tugged on a pair of socks to keep his feet warm, and he set himself down at the desk, intending to do homework. But the work was tedious and it was far too cold for anything so terribly challenging, and he he soon found himself writing a letter instead:

Dear Professor Veigler,

How are you? I heard about what happened and I'm sorry. It's awful the program got discontinued but Dumbledore said the ministry will review it. That'd be good, huh, if it got passed?

I wanted to write you because... well, something happened here at school and I wanted to tell you about it! Do you remember when I asked you to write me a letter of recommendation for my applications for University? Well you'll never believe it, sir, but the other day, Dumbledore summoned me to meet this witch, Dorothy Kesselman, in his office and she tells me she's the head of the Magical Education Training program and I've been accepted -- on a full sponsorship! 

I'm very excited of course but in a funny way it isn't real until I told you about it. Now, once Fallengunder is ready to be staffed, you'll have at least one very eager member, just waiting to join you.

I miss you loads. How is the Kneazle?

All my love,

Remus J. Lupin.