One month.

One month of wishing I were dead, telling myself I was better off without him, crying myself to sleep, and then repeating the entire damning cycle the next day.

It was torture.

Spending the past two weeks in Los Angeles visiting my mother's side of the extended family had been something I had assumed would take my mind off of it, but that was far from the case.

My mother's cousins lived in a large and luxurious house not unlike our own in Houston, so there were plenty of rooms for me to go off and sulk in. And since Vera and Jared had decided to not come along for the family vacation and instead stay in Texas for work and school, I had no one to talk to except for the spoiled rotten brats living in this house that were around my age.

So instead, I had resorted to binge watching Netflix and eating my weight in ice cream.

This breakup had been so much different than the previous ones. The other ones I had seen a future with, in a small-minded and naive way. I had just assumed we would end up together because that's what was supposed to happen; you date and get married. Or at least that's what my dating-deprived mind had always figured.

And then Andrew had come along, and I could see a real future with him. A future where we go off to school together before becoming functioning adults with jobs and incomes. A future where after becoming said functional adults, he would get down on one knee and propose to me, hopefully somewhere not too cheesy, but a tad bit cheesy. I would say yes, and we would have the most marvelous wedding. It was be over-the-top and extravagant, since my parents wouldn't have any problem in the monetary department.

After that extravagant wedding, we would go on a month-long honeymoon to a tropical island that would service our every need as we just became lost in how in love we were. After that honeymoon we would return to our functioning adult lives and in a few years we would have a kid, maybe more than one. And we would raise them in the best way; not spoiling them but not letting them starve either. And then we would ship the youngest one off to college and live our lives together, growing old and never ceasing to love each other.

That was the future for us that I envisioned. The future that I sorely wanted with him.

But he was just like the other ones.

I had dumped him in that car ride. That disgusting car ride where we had to drive two hours back home in utter silence. That text had been the last straw; he had gotten away with his lies back in Houston, where no one knew him, but he couldn't do it when he got back home to his family and friends who knew him all too well.

I had dumped him and he had put up a fight at first. He had argued that his buddies were just messing with him, that they didn't know what they were talking about. But I wasn't having it. I couldn't take being lied to again.

I'm sure George got a strict lecture after I had hopped out of the car and ran up to my house about texting while I was around.

And now here I was, lounging around in a house that was far too big to only be occupied by four people who hardly ever seemed to be home, wishing that I was even further away from the drama and heartbreak of Texas.

As I let Netflix know that I was indeed still watching Gilmore Girls, my phone rang.

I picked it up without checking the Caller ID, since only one person ever called me.

"Hey Jess."

"Hey Sam. Anything new?"

"Besides my uncanny ability to attract terrible guys and my constant desire to be dead? Not so much."

I could practically hear her rolling her eyes.

"You're not going to begin a dating cleanse again, are you?"

"It's already begun, my friend." I shook my head, pausing the show as I realized that she might actually be calling to talk for a while. Alexis Bledel's gorgeous face was the only thing on the giant screen as I turned away from it and started pacing around the room.

"Well, stop that, because you can't do this again."

"Says who?"

"Says every sane person in the universe." Jess replied, "I mean honestly, Sam. You're almost graduated from high school, you can't expect yourself to never date again. This is when people start to get serious. This is when your parents got engaged."

"Yeah, and they were young and stupid. Look where it got them."

"Your parents are still together, Sam."

"Yeah, but they had a rough patch."

"And they got over it once they hired a new manager last week!" Jess cried in exasperation. "Which just goes to show that every couple, even the most amazing couples, have rough spots in their relationships. Not everything is going to be perfect."

"You can't talk on this, Jess!" Now I was the one becoming upset, "You've had a total of one boyfriend in your life, and he's been the most wonderful guy in the world to you. You don't know what it's like to have people betray you over and over again! You don't know how hard it is to trust someone and have them rip it away like they don't even feel it."

There was silence on the other end for a moment.

"You're right. I don't know what it feels like to be you." Jess said quietly, "But I need you to remember what Tim said. I know that he was a grade-A douchebag and we don't like him, but he made one good point in the entirety of your ended relationship. Sometimes guys screw up. Sometimes they're stupid and they just plain old mess up. But you have to give them a second chance. If you walk through life expecting every guy to be Prince Charming with no flaws, you're going to end up alone and disappointed."

Both of us were silent. I could feel myself becoming angry and shot the emotion down. Jess didn't deserve me yelling at her. She was simply trying to be a good friend.

"Thank you for your help, Jess." I said quietly. "But I need to be alone right now."

I hung up the phone and tossed it on the couch in front of me before crashing down to the ground, on my knees, my shoulders shaking with sobs.

And here I was.

Maybe it was all too much.

Maybe I shouldn't have made the decision, two years ago, to start dating. To put myself out there when I knew that all that would come of it was heartache, worry, and eventually, heartbreak.

It wasn't worth it.

Six guys in two years, and I thought I had finally found the one for me. The one who would become my all, my everything, my one companion and true love.

And now it was over. I was heartbroken again, with nothing left that could help me become the person I wanted to be. There was nothing left for me in high school, in life...everyone would continue to be the same, the same people bringing me down, the same people using me, the same people who were just there for the ride. The same people who only thought of how they could help themselves out by using an innocent girl who just wanted to be treated like everyone else.

A girl who didn't deserve this.

It was so easy to blame my father. It was so easy to think that if I had been born to any parents besides Lincoln and Olivia Carter, then my life would be normal. Controlled. Important. Better. That my life would, overall, be better.

But I can't.

Every time I see my dad go up onstage to perform, I know that it's his favorite thing in the world. I see my mother's face as she watches him, the pride and joy that she has while watching her high school sweetheart up there on that stage. The rush they both get from the fans pouring out to see him, from the girls who want to hear their story from my mother, the way they met and fell in love. Their fairytale.

I needed to accept that I would never get that fairytale.

I had accepted it when I was younger. When I had sworn off dating. And yet for some reason, I became weak as I got older, and I wanted to experience what everyone else was experiencing. But I couldn't. And I knew that now.

Falling in love was a stupid decision. Falling in love more than once was just about suicide. And falling in love for real, with that one person you thought would be there for you forever...well that was just delivering yourself to hell in a handbasket.

A/N: In case you didn't catch it, the part in italics is the same monologue from the Prologue of the book. This is where she was feeling that way.

Also, GUYS Spiral has been featured as an Editor's Pick on Radish! If you guys haven't checked out my works on Radish Fiction then you definitely should, my username is @kathpowell!

And my feature in the #WattpadBlockParty is going to be up on Sunday! (In 2 DAYS!) It's a special, never-before-seen bonus chapter of Recalling Lincoln Carter, so I think you guys will enjoy it! Let me know what you think it might be about--hint: it's an event!

-Katherine