The halls were so crowded yet it felt empty as Dazai looked through from the infirmary. So loud yet it fell completely mute on his ears. People talked and laughed- oblivious to what happened.

It wasn't fair. He hated them.

He was pretty sure Yosano was talking to him but he wasn't listening, she had nothing important to say to him. Part of him began to doubt the significance of anyone that was around him. He always knew nothing mattered but as his thoughts swarmed there was one clearity within.

What makes human beings so special like they think they are?

Glances over to the calendar hung up over the other medical beds he takes note of the date, something he finds he is doing far too often lately.

April 24th.

Huh. Was it mocking him?

"Oh! OdaSaku there you are!" Jogging up, Dazai tugged on Oda's cloak, making the older glance back at him.

It's been two months since Gryffindor's victory, semester's have swapped leaving times like this- where he can actually find Oda, something that has been happening less and less. Of course if Dazai wanted to he could be by Oda's side all the time but he used to be fine with how it had been. At least once a day they used to brush paths, but as stated, now they would barely even see each other once a week. So he is considering just sticking right by his side at all times..

"Dazai, aren't you supposed to be in class?" Oda asks, but the way he asked was rather accusatory. Something that just makes Dazai chuckle awkwardly.

"Well I actually snagged the schedule Chuuya had for teachers to find you." Brushing quickly over the schedule, Dazai tugs again on his sleeve. "Where have you been? What is happening? I barely see you anymore and I hate to admit it, but I am mildly concerned!" His tone was a false cheer, but his eyes betrayed him like they often tended to. Narrowed slightly, eyebrows high yet pinched together.

Oda stared silently down at him for a moment, it was tense. Dazai has never felt tense around Oda before then.

After a second, Oda shook his head and patted his shoulder, "you should go to class. You have already missed far too many. The semester has just started."

Disappointment settled uncomfortably in Dazai's gut at his concern being brushed off, a frown tugging on his mouth. "You didn't acknowledge what I said." He calls out.

Clearly that's not what Oda wanted to hear as his gaze hardens, "Dazai." His voice was almost a warning.

"Oda why are you shutting me out-" Yet he was interrupted by Oda.

"I mean it this time, Dazai. You can't keep missing class."

"You can't keep shutting me out." He rebuttals, his eyes narrowing slightly as emotion starts to slowly bubble deep within him in a means he couldn't place. But it came out in a cold emotionless voice.

A voice that caused Oda's eyes to widen ever so slightly, having never seen Dazai use the voice with him. Yet he still seemed to refuse to back down. "I mean it Dazai, leave it and get to your class." His voice stern and unchanging.

It kind of reminded Dazai of the scolding Oda gave him for completely ditching the whole wand training class. He distantly remembered only going to one of those classes before completely giving up even if Oda nagged him to go, nagging that would go ignored.

"No. I barely see you anymore and I want to know what is happening." Dazai finds himself snapping back, but his voice remains level and unchanging, just becoming slightly sharper.

Oda met his piercing eyes head on, as if he weren't scared, as if he could see past his layers of fog. "Dazai. Go to your class. Now."

Dazai opens his mouth to argue back yet he shuts it before the words spill out, biting on his lip till he tasted the faintness of blood. Again, they feel silent, staring at one another- challenging each other. Waiting to see who would back down first, who would give in. Would Dazai continue to push or just walk away? Dazai himself hadn't known until he let out a snipped scoff, pushing past him to go to the class where he should be. Frustration boiled under his skin, an emotion Dazai knew rather well in comparison to others. Shoving his shaking hands in his pockets and bathing in the sting of hands as his nails dug into his palms.

He didn't understand and Dazai despised not knowing. He couldn't tell if it was Oda not wanting to be around him or if there was something happening. Maybe he was just really busy, or he could be in a life or death situation. Dazai doesn't know. He had no way of knowing and that was what was so frustrating. Their conversation lasted barely five minutes and Oda just brushed him off completely! Couldn't he tell Dazai was concerned? Why did he avoid him? Why is he acting like this? Why can't he just tell Dazai what was happening so it stopped consuming his life like this?

With nothing else to do, Dazai made his way to class. The halls were completely empty as it almost felt like the walls were breathing around him, too close, making his skin itch. His hand raising as his nails dug into the rough against the thin bandages, he had been running a bit low as of lately meaning he wasn't able to double wrap them like he normally does. Enough that if you look close enough his skin could almost be seen.

It disgusted him.

He clawed at the bandages that were hidden by the sleeve of his coat. Dazai could feel the fabric and strings tied together loosening slightly to make room for the bitten down nails to scratch at pale, sensitive skin.

The floors under him felt like they were dragging him down, consuming him as if he were nothing but a sandcastle crumbling.

Deep down he understood the reason he felt this way was because of the conversation with Oda, being dismissed so simply as if he was nothing, his concerns a waste of time. Maybe it brought up subconscious memories he wished he could just repress in peace.

Taking a deep breath he collected himself. The floors under him harder back into stone so his feet no longer sank making his steps heavy, the wall's breaths slowed until they stopped, his skin no longer crawled under his finger tips.

Dazai was ok. Dazai was unaffected.

Walking into the class, Dazai didn't recognize where he stood but he sat down anyway. His body moved without his permission, yet, he could find it in himself to care as he sat down and stared. Ignoring the loud stares and watchful chatter around him. Or did he mix up his senses again? Did it matter if he had?

His body controlled itself, his numb hand writing notes he knew deep down was utterly illegible.

Receding to the depth of his mind till it almost felt as though nothing was even real. The world that surrounded him was nothing, he himself was nothing. A drowsy haze fading his senses till it no longer felt like his own. He swore each tick of the clock too far away to hear was what kept him somewhat tethered.

He needed to get himself together. Is what he would scold himself with hands trembling, something that he just couldn't stop.

The bell ringing was a curse in the disguise of a blessing.

He stood up, grabbing his things with the slight tremor in his hands still there, the rest of his body tense and hardly moving. He could feel the others around him staring, or maybe it was just in his head but he doubted it, everyone's eyes seemed to follow him constantly. Making his skin crawl- it didn't feel like his own. It felt like he was wearing someone else's itchy and uncomfortable skin, it didn't set right and without the bandages, he believed all the skin would just slide off revealing a hollow inside.

He was getting lost again. He shouldn't allow a simple conversation with Oda to make him spiral so much.

Unbeknownst to Dazai, this was just the result of the building and building of everything that has been happening. Little things that clawed at him, things easy to ignore at the moment but would come out in moments like this. The quidditch matches, Oda's constant avoidance leaving him alone again, the bad argument he had with Chuuya, Akutagawa's reappearance.

With empty movements, Dazai made his way to the door of the class, feet dragging as he put a smile and walked out. "Chuuya!" He almost tried to recreate the smile Chuuya had half an hour after finding out about his victory in quidditch, the one he burned into his memory. The sides of his mouth pointed up as his lips pressed together, honestly it was pretty convincing, it looked real. Yet, glancing up even an inch were his eyes. They were dead empty, it lacked the crinkles normal smiles would, it looked more like cracks, broken open, waiting for black dyed blood to spill out. His eyes were narrowed but it seemed threatening instead of enticing. His eyebrows laid completely dormant in a line.

"Jesus- fuckin christ man." Chuuya startles at the expression Dazai had, having to stare at the test run Dazai tried of a smile. "Stop that- you look fucking terrfying."

Making Dazai tilt his head, a false pout coming next but it was practised and easy to trick with, "What? I'm just smiling. You're so mean to me."

Chuuya just stares at him for a moment before rolling his eyes, seemingly still a bit on edge but doesn't want to indulge him. "Akutagawa, c'mon." Such simple words make his expression darken even further. Akutagawa hesitantly walking over. Dazai hadn't noticed him before but now he stood next to Chuuya, slightly cowering under Dazai's (borderline) murderous gaze. Something Chuuya clearly catches as he punches Dazai's shoulder lightly, clearly nervous, on edge by Dazai's smile from before and the blank look now. "Suck it up for a bit, ok?"

Dazai didn't respond at first, just staring as if he was losing himself back in his head. Before abruptly smiling again, this time it wasn't as.. Disturbing. Pressed into a line only slightly raised so it looked more casual and calm, less like his own mouth worked against him. Less like he was trying to pretend to be human like he was.

"I have no reason to be sucking it up. So what, there is a weak nothing walking with us? Why would I care?" His grin remained yet the voice he used didn't even feel like his own, deep in his throat, scratching with each word. He spit the words with venom, with disgust as he stares at Akutagawa with vacant eyes. Akutagawa who tensed up at the sight and words.

Chuuya on the other hand seemed a bit shocked by him, eyes widening. "Don't be a dick, man- what the hell is up with you?" Chuuya's voice sounds so human, so much more than Dazai's. Chuuya's voice had levels, Chuuya's voice had tone, Chuuya's voice had emotion. Dazai's stare was poisonous, it was vile and disturbing. Yet Chuuya met those void eyes with nothing but rage and concern.

Or maybe Dazai was seeing the things he wanted to, maybe he was just seeing the concern because that's what he wanted to see.

Did he even want anything anymore?

Was he just being dramatic?

Why is he so upset that Oda brushed him off? What the hell is wrong with him?

"I'm not being a dick. I'm just saying the things everyone else is too worried to say. Frankly, I am being kind to let Akutagawa be near me." His voice a false cheer, making his words almost seem nice until you hear them. The smile on his face did not help in that case at all.

"Dazai!" Chuuya scolds, still a little shocked by Dazai's fit. Not like he has ever seen Dazai this bad before.

Really, this was how he acted all the time before he knew Oda and by the look on Akutagawa's face, he recognized it well. A certain level of fear there on his expression. Dazai appreciated that, he is glad Akutagawa still feared him to an extent. "I don't get it. I'm sucking it up, I'm not the one causing a scene here," his voice level, "you are the one shouting. I'm just expressing my utter hatred for the waste of air you allow to trail behind you like a leech."

"Nope. I'm not doing this. Leave." Chuuya interrupts, his expression pulled and morphed into one of irritation. "Get out, go. You need to get a hold on your damn self." Pushings Dazai back since he hadn't moved. "I don't want to see you again till you get your head out of your ass . I fucking mean it, Dazai,"

SIlence falls over the three, Dazai didn't look away from Akutagawa who kept his head down in shame, even if he felt Chuuya's piercing glare in the side of his head. They stayed like that for a moment, the large eyes of other students just.. Looking at them as they spoke, expecting a fight to break out, expecting Dazai to do something, expecting. Expecting. Expecting.

Dazai just turns away from them and walks away calmly, the false small smile he laid on vanishing as if it were never there in the first place. Taking its place, an off-putting blank look. Almost like there shouldn't even be a face there, almost like he didn't deserve a face or expression in the first place.

He didn't.

In his mind, the halls were clear as he walks through them. Trying to not acknowledge the layers and layers of kids as they did their tasks, most making their way to the great hall for lunch, others talking with their friends. It's just that. Chatter. It didn't sound like words, it sounded like a crowd. No matter how much his mind tries to provide a layer between him and that talk, some would always leak in. There were no words when he actually listened, There were no faces when he looked. Just piercing eyes as they trailed after him as he walked. Never looking away, never giving him a break- never letting him breathe. They were always there, wonder if that's what the chatter is. Is it him? Were they all muttering and mumbling about him? Is that all they knew how to say, is that all they could possibly talk about?

Despite his mind racing his expression remained unchanged as he walked with his constant confidence. Acting like he didn't hear them, acting like he didn't acknowledge their stares.

His hand slowly raises as he goes back to clawing at the already tattered bandages from before under his cloak sleeve. If people noticed the fact he scratched till little chunks of his skin came out, caught by the mess of strings that were once bandages, their mutters weren't caught on Dazai's ears.

Ah. That almost made him forget, he needed new bandages. Didn't he?

In a quick turn of events, he made a sharp turn down the next hall and stepped into the infirmary.

It's been a little while since he has been here. All the beds were empty but one on the very far side, on the bed sat Ranpo as he spoke with Yosano. Laughing and shaking his head, talking just like the people in the halls. Causings Dazai to do one last long scratch that actually managed to send a sharp pain up his spine. That pain managed to finally push him enough to be able to put on another false smile as he walked up to the two. Yosano glanced over at first, a bit surprised. "Oh! Dazai- where.. Is Chuuya?" Glancing behind him as if she expected Chuuya to trail in behind him any second, but it never happened.

Dazai tilting his head, "He threatened to throw me off the bridge if I kept annoying him then punched me in the face after I called him short. So I came here before the bruise formed." He explains, lying as if it were the truth, doing it so well it even threatened to convince Ranpo. But by the boy's expression, he didn't completely fall for the act, not yet, as his eyes open to narrow suspiciously.

His smile strained, "Frankly. I wasn't even going to come but then I remembered I am lacking bandages and figured you wouldn't mind too much if I took some?" Yosano shrugged.

"Take as much as you need, kid, they are replaced like every month so I doubt I'll even notice they are gone." Sending him a small smile that made a shiver of disgust run up his spine.

Before he could stare any longer into her eyes, he bows slightly and moves to the cabinets to get some.

He has had this thought before he believes; Yosano's look. Most days he is completely unbothered, afterall, she was fine and Dazai didn't look at him much. But days like this? It made the bugs under his skin crawl faster- no. Not bugs. He didn't have bugs in his arms. He made his skin itch and itch- god. He was so fucking itchy. It made his eyes buzz and unfocus, it made his thoughts spiral and spin out of his control.

Was he going insane? Is that what was happening to him? Was he going mad at the feeling of heavy blood being soaked up by ragged cloth, staining his cloak and messy bandages? Or was it the indistinguishable talk.

Did it even matter what it was?

...

"So! Three days till Valentine's day." Dazai didn't know who made the comments but assumed it was Yosano, snapping him out of his thoughts to make him lazily begin stuffing the bandage into his cloak, probably far more than he needed on a normal day. "Are you nervous?"

It took a short time to make Dazai realise they were talking to him. Making him shrug, "Not really no, how come?" His voice is perfectly level.

Yeah he had noticed a little bit of valentine decor up but he paid it no real mind. It didn't affect him much after all. Gathering up the unnecessary amount of bandages and a sewing kit, he walks back over to them. If he wanted to pretend to be ok, he had to play the part of his old self. "Well, with you and Chuuya." Oh so it had been Ranpo who was speaking. Teasing him now. Maybe he didn't pick up on the skin he stole and tried to play off to be real.

"I don't think I follow?" He says with a fake amused chuckle that rubs roughly against his throat.

Ranpo snickers, "Don't you? I mean, c'mon."

Tilting his head, his smile strains further, his eye twitching. "I think I'm going to ignore your implication. Thanks for the bandages, but I think I'm going to go try to get the bugs under my skin." His tone was joking, making Yosano roll her eyes.

"Yeah, yeah, brat. Shoo," Dazai gives another chuckle that scrapes up his throat. Waving them a quick goodbye as he walks out with just a wave.

Back in the hall was hell. Not because of the crowd, it had long since dispersed to the great hall to eat, to the library to study, or even the commons rooms to hang out. No. The halls were hell because he was dead alone. There were no more whispers, no noises, not even from the paintings that hung still on the wall. It felt like dead space around him, still and uncomfortable. A coffin he was locked in with no escape.

When alone with his thoughts they tended to peek in terms of dramatics. Everything felt like the world was ending and he was sitting through it with a strained smile. Dazai wasn't smiling anymore.

Every itch or scratch the bandages brung were hyper focused onto the point he couldn't even tell what was just his mind and what was reality.

It might not be bugs under his skin but his blood ran wrong, it was too cold, it flowed too fast, it was too dry. All of it was wrong- his body was wrong.

Dazai didn't want to end up in the bathroom, in a locked stall, he didn't want to grab the sharpest things he had on his person. He didn't want to unravel the already stained and rough bandages of his forearms to reveal a litter of long and small scars from blades and burn marks. He didn't, you have to believe him.

He had to use the dull scissors to press from his wrist and push down hard as he dragged it along his entire forearm to his inner elbow. He had to pull the skin apart and look inside the bloodied wound to see that blood that couldn't quite flow right. He had to check and make sure nothing was in there to ruin and infect his blood. He didn't have any other option.

Staring at the scene he could vaguely feel the pain that should feel, be at the very back of his head but he paid it no real mind. Watching the blood gush heavily, falling to the floor with a rhythmic ' drip-drop, drip-drop'. He wondered if he could tear off his ears to be able to stop hearing that damn dripping.

But he didn't, he felt a wave of calm as seeing this blood, seeing his arm torn open in such a way. The idea that the skin he wore wasn't his own fading into background noises, the thought his blood was wrong was proven incorrect now that he got a closer look.

He was calm. Moving to grab the very small sewing kit he grabbed while stuffing bandages in his cloak as if he predicted this very thing to happen, even when he thought he couldn't think.

He only had one shaking hand to work with so threading the needle was hard. As was getting the stitches just right. But of course he managed. How is that surprising? Once he had it stitched, he reached back in his cloak to pull out a roll of bandages, Wrapping the bloodied arm in gauze that soaked through it completely. It took three layers over before it finally stopped. Once it was pinned (did he accidentally pin it to his skin? Did it matter if he did?) Dazai stood up and brushed himself off from the stray strings from the previous bandages. He left the blood drips when he walked out, throwing the tattered old bandages in the garbage on his way out.

He was calm.

Valentines day, February 14th. Dazai honestly hadn't even known it was a holiday before last year. It had confused him at first but he quickly became desensitised to it. After all, what does it matter to him? It doesn't.

Since their little argument over Akutagawa, Dazai has since 'apologised' for how he acted, it was bullshit that he acted because he assumed that's what people were meant to do. Apologise.

It's clear Chuuya hadn't believed his apology much either, but for once he didn't make a big deal out of it (at least for the time being. Something told Dazai the things he said to Akutagawa would eventually trigger Chuuya to have a fit) For the time, he assumed it was Dazai's expression when he apologised, it was so void, like nothing but ink rested behind his eyes that felt red under the right lighting.

Now, the two walked next to another in mostly silence. Whereas Dazai had usually been the one to carry conversation, no longer spoke that much. He made a few jabs but they felt practised and robotic. It grossed Chuuya out.

Dazai didn't really understand why he felt the way he did. He watched couples in the halls fawn over one another since they were allowed- if not endorsed by the fact it was valentines day. He could feel even more eyes on both him and Chuuya because of the date but he couldn't place why more people paid attention than the previous day. He didn't know why he caught himself glancing more often at Chuuya. He didn't know why their eyes caught each other so often.

...Dazai decided he didn't like valentines day.

They all disgusted him. Every last one of them deserved to sink into the ground and fucking die. They had no right to be here. They had no right to mumble words of rumour of what happened.

They had no right to even look at him.

Why were they even here? They have proved themselves as all fucking usless so why? Why did they even step on the very floor he walked on? Why did he see himself as this higher up as if he did anything either? As if he wasn't utterly useless when for once in his life it mattered.

Who the hell does he think he is? He had no right to be alive either.

The halls were so crowded. So very crowded and uncomfortable. Why was everyone around him? Can't they leave him alone? Cant they stop staring at him for one moment?

He hated it- he hated them.

Why were they so interested in him? What did Dazai do to really deserve this? Why him? Was he just born wrong? Was this his karma for his thoughts, for his lack of humanity?

...

Can't they just stop looking for a second..

It's giving him a headache.

How long has it been again? Three weeks? Glancing to the calendar hung up in his common room his hands scratched absitmindily at the long scab on his forearm, plenty more since that day added, all of them irritated by gauze. February 29th . It was the 11th when Oda and him had their disagreement and Dazai hasn't seen him since. Paranoia clawed at his chest as if it was trying to tear him apart from the inside out. It was eating him alive, strangling him.

With each day that passed the more sour his thoughts became, corrupted and boiling. From what once was concern Oda was overworking twisted into- ' is he leaving me behind'? 'Is he tired of me'? 'What have I done, can I fix it'? 'What if he finally had enough and left like everyone else'?

Dazai had no means of asking around most of the students but he did ask the people who he considered not afraid of him. Apparently no one has really seen him. Which leads to worse thoughts.

' Is he dead?'

' Did he leave me completely?'

'What if -he- targeted Oda?'

His entire head was corrupted by now, any reasonable excuse ignored in favour of one his mind deemed better.

He was going insane. Slowly but surely that's for sure, falling so fast into old habits that the people around him would be concerned if he wasn't so good at hiding it. Despite the constant peeling open of skin to make sure all his bones were there, despite every dip into mania. Dazai remained the exact same to the outsiders eye. Cunning, funny, annoying, the whole getup he liked to shove down people's throats at all times of the day to over composite.

Dazai was scared. He had never felt fear like this and it was ruining him.

He was ruining himself honestly, but not even he could find the will to care about the threat anymore. Why would he? His disorder was the best comfort he could indulge in.

The boy felt the simplair buzz of numbness as he walked down the empty halls, lately that feels like all he is good for, walking blankly down empty halls while classes commence. His shoulders tense and masks dropping to reveal nothing. Why should he waste his energy keeping it up when no one is near him?

It was only when he ran face first into a teacher, stumbling back did he realise he wasn't putting any effort into avoiding teachers. Lazily, He reached up and rubs his forehead, looking up to who he bumped into. Only to meet a familiar gaze, not familiar like Dazai was with Yosano, but someone he had met before.

What was his name again? Ango? Oda introduced them last year and Dazai would constantly skip his class.

Ango glances down at him, confused and surprised.

Weren't he and Oda close?

Just as Ango was going to scold him for not going to class, Dazai interrupted. "Do you know where Oda is?"

The question makes Ango tense.

The reaction seemed to immediately confirm every last doubt he had in his mind, all the pieces snapped studeriliy together, everything connected perfectly in tearing him apart from the inside out. It felt like he got shot in the head but remained standing, expression dulling so far beyond repair, Almost to the point he felt like he could no longer see.

"He isn't dead or anything-" Ango's voice sounds desperate as he backtracks his original response, as he watches the kid who looked on the edge of breaking, completely shut down as if he died. "Oda is just tangled up in the Council, it's... a lot of legal issues." He looked like he aged fifty years with just that idea.

Almost like he was resuscitated, Dazai's expression lightens slightly. Staring at him as if urging him to continue. Ango awkwardly looked around, "Well. I shouldn't walk about it but you're his kid right? You should know, right?" More sounding like he was trying to convince himself. Dazia just nodded in agreement. "Well, you know how Oda is. He is probably the smartest person even in this school over knowledge in spells, not to mention he knows how to cast them. Naturally. That puts a target on his back, especially having... you as a kid." Unsure how he should word it, but it looks like Dazai didn't care.

"Well," he continues, "apparently an organisation is after him for his knowledge, I don't know the real details of motives. All I know is that He has mostly been at the board for the past few weeks."

Dazai didn't know how to feel.

He felt a bit comforted that Oda wasn't abandoning him at least and he might still want to be around Dazai, that it was for his safety he left. But he also still felt concerned. An organisation hunted him down because of his mental strength. Yes, Dazai always knew that Oda was very smart, almost like he could see five seconds in the future, but he didn't think Oda ever really stood out. He was a teacher and author- what kind of organisation would be intimidated by a man like that? Were they just a weak organisation? Did they see something Dazai didn't? (he highly doubts that part). Were they paranoid? Dazai didn't understand.

But he almost felt more at ease. Confident in Oda, almost. The stones that clinked in his overthinking head finally stopped banging for a moment to leave a peaceful silence. The numbness didn't fade but it never would.

Oda knew how to take care of himself, he was- probably the strongest wizard he knows of.

The feeling of his blood scratching down his veins finally faded back into background noise, he couldn't feel it as intensely. Though he couldn't say he felt better- he for once didn't feel like he was spiralling anymore. "What organisation is after him?" Dazai finds his voice once more, tilting his head.

Ango looked him over. "Look, Dazai. I have to get back to my class and you have to go back to your own." His tone took on something more stern, gently moving Dazai out of the way to get past him.

Dazai watched as he did so, deciding to not indulge the conversation that stopping him would bring.

Sighing deeply as he moves to continue walking.. Maybe he should go to class.

Walking down the hall, he made it right outside his class before abruptly turning back.

Maybe he was just a bit too confident in that. Brushing himself off as if the thought of going to class alone made him dirty. His arms still incredibly sore as he moves to hide in the library instead. Unwilling to go outside because of the wet weather and also not wanting to run the risk of going to the common rooms.

Ducking back into the maze that was the restricted area to the ignorance of the librarian keeping watch. Dazai moves to scan the shelves, not like he had much else to do. His eyes stayed glued to the higher shelves that he hasn't really gone through just yet, sticking more to the bottom shelves. He was paying a lot more attention to noises of walking, of the heavy breaths of the older libaran rather than what was in front of him as he carefully and soundlessly walked- leading to him tripping over something.

Startled and assuming it was books he snapped to look under his feet, worried he made too loud of a noise when he suddenly stopped dead in his sight. His eyes meeting another pair as they looked just as- if nor more shocked than his own.

Dazai didn't know the emotion that filled him at the sight of Chuuya, after the contant downing of apathy he has felt for a week, it was actually a little jarring to feel something that wasn't so numb or painful.

The feeling didn't last very long though.

..."How the hell did we manage to do that?" Dazai blurts out before he can help himself, still staring.

Chuuya stared at him in stunned silence, seemingly moving to talk but he stopped short. His mouth snapping closed with a 'tsk' he looks back down to his book with a glare as if the book personally offended him or something.

Right. He was still bitter, wasn't he? "Are you seriously still upset about the Akutagawa thing? I apologised." Dazai remarks, noticing his voice sounded a bit too blank for his liking The act he held weavering every so slightly.

If Chuuya noticed, he didn't say a word about it. He didn't say a word period actually, not even looking up from his book.

Irritation buzzed under his skin at Chuuya's silent treatment, though he didn't let it show in the slightest, "What is it? You think you're too good for me now or something? You do remember you're still my dog , right?" Tilting his head with a false amused smirk, keeping his voice low enough to ensure he wasn't heard by anybody but Chuuya.

Chuuya snapped to look up at him, still glaring as if Dazai was the worst possible person he has ever seen. Which wouldn't be that much of an overextradion. "You're such a fucking asshole." He mumbles bitterly.

"Awe? What happened to not wanting to have these kinds of arguments again?" Dazai mocks, leaning down to tower over him. "Want a re-run of the infirmary scene where you begged to be my friend again? God, you're so lonely and pathetic... What happened to all your dear old friends you have? Oh dear, what happened to the flags- "

"Dazai." Chuuya cut him off, his voice straining as he held back his rage. "I know what you are trying to do and I'm not fucking falling for it again."

Why was he doing this again? Dazai had a reason, right? He could have sworn he did when he started to insult him but now the explanation felt distant in his mind like it was never there to begin with.

For once, Dazai shut his mouth. Unwilling to continue with his beraid of insults that rested on the tip of his tongue. Insults that would definitely make Chuuya snap but he couldn't bring himself to allow them to fall. After all.. There really was no reason to work Chuuya up at the moment, no reason to push him over the edge. Deep down he didn't understand why he started something in the first place- it seemed unlike him.

Maybe it was because of the new information for Oda's case.. Dazai would excuse it with that.

"Are you done then?" Dazai nodded to signify he was, Chuuya sighing deeply. "Look. I'm just... Annoyed, ok? With how you treat the kid. Especially since he admires the shit out of you for some kind of reason."

It's not that Dazai hated Akutagawa. He really didn't hate him, it was a hard to place emotion that came with Akutagwa, but there was one he could easily put a word on. Indifference. Dazai didn't give a shit about Akutagawa, he didn't care what he did. He didn't care what he said. Nothing Akutagawa could do would ever impress him, normally it would actually heavily disappoint him.

"I... know. And I really am trying to work on it, Chuuya. I promise- I don't want to feel like this." looking down to his hands. "And I'm trying to be the person he looks up to."

Chuuya staring up at him before sighing, "I know you are. Just stop being a dick to start off with ok?" Dazai nodded quickly in agreement.

There was another brief moment where Chuuya looked up at him before motioning to the space beside him, inviting them to sit next to one another. An invitation that Dazai is quick to accept. Allowing them to read next to each other again, silently to make sure not to gain any attention from the librarian.

Chuuya was always so gullible.

Bridges always tended to draw him in.

The air that surrounded was crisp. From where he stood on the bridge linking tower to tower kids walked past and stared. They never seemed to stop watching. Piercing eyes followed every move he made. It didn't matter what he tried, what he did. He could just sit down and peoples eyes would snap to look at him.

Though it was slightly warranted now, as he stood silently behind the rails of this long bridge, arms resting against the cobble. Part of him just didn't get it.

Why was Hogwarts safety regulations so poorly designed?

Guess he could thank them for it now.

"Oda~Sa~Kuuuuu-" Dazai grins, draping himself over Oda's back, unable to reach his shoulders like he would have with Chuuya.

Sighing deeply, Oda lifts his arm in order to look back at Dazai where he grins widely. Arms moving to wrap around his waist as they tighten. "You should be in class." He scolds, the hall around them barren as almost everyone else was in class or if they were skipping they hid.

Dazai humming, "Probably yeah. But I went to my first class! So I think I earn at least a week off."

"That class you are referring to was a week ago." His tone unimpressed as he grabs the back of Dazai's coat to pull him off. Dazai basically goes limp in his hold as he is pulled away and placed in front of Oda. A pout on his face as he is put down, crossing his arms with a huff.

"Yea? So what? You know I don't have to really go to any class because I know everything."

"No. You think you know everything there is to know." He corrects looking down at him, Dazai looking up at him as if what he said was the stupidest thing he has heard in his life. Something that triggers Oda to continue, "I want you to name a single mythical creature-"

'I know a bunch of mythical creatures!"

"-s poison antidote." Oda countries even after Dazai cut him off.

Silence fell over them as Dazai stared at him, for once in what felt like his entire life he was without answer. "..Thats not fair."

"Actually, name a poisonous mythical creature." Oda asks instead.

Sighing very loudly and dramtiacily, Dazai slouches over. "C'mon! Why does it even matter? I don't need to know useless things like that." He tries to reason.

Oda shaking his head again, "but you said you knew everything... clearly you don't know everything they are teaching."

"I know everything important!" he continues to argue, but with a stern look from Oda he sighs. "Fine. I'll go to my next class after lunch. Happy?" Oda only responded with a simple nod, making his way back to his office while Dazai trailing along behind.

March 25th the calendar in Oda's room read.

It started around two weeks ago. The slow increase of just- seeing Oda around in the halls or in his office. At first Dazai honestly believed that he was seeing things until they actually spoke. It was a quick conversation, Oda apologised for disappearing- honestly Dazai wasn't really paying too much attention to his words. More on the feeling of a weight lifting off his chest, a weight that had been suffocating him since Oda left.

Dazai had been.. Happy to see him. Happy.

Maybe Dazai was being a bit clingy since Oda returned, but can you really blame him? SItting on the edge of Oda's desk he pulled out ' the complete guide to sucide' to re-read while Oda started doing his work that he needed to catch up on. Comfortably quiet as

The two kept to their tasks without a word, it was nice to be able to sit with Oda again. Calm honestly.

Since Oda returned the urge to tear off his skin completely settled- it never disappeared but he had to think about it to actually feel anything. The scabs under his bandages itched uncomfortably, but it was better than the scratchiness of dried blood. Dazai was able to ignore it though, thankfully.

For once in his life, things were almost looking up in a weird twisted way.

So why?

Why did it all fall apart? Why can't he have one small thing? It was the third of April- before it even happened and Dazai had felt awful. Uneasy in a way he couldn't even place.

Since Oda returned it was the only time he took a blade to his inner wrist again in an attempt to escape the feeling of his skin crawling- trying to get out the ink that infected his blood in the form of venom. Everything around him felt wrong as he wracked his brain for a reason. Taking the blade to his bandaged eye with the determination to stab it- as if threatening his subconscious to give him an answer. Why? Why now? Why was this happening? He was sure he probably had the pieces so why ?!

Dazai wished his mind had given into the threat, he really did.

The school was utterly chaotic, students screaming and running through the halls as Dazai watched some drop dead right in front of him.

The second it started, some part of him just knew. Everything in his mind clicked together- all the information that was packed away in the back of his mind presented itself in a snap.

He stood in the great hall, Chuuya had tried with all his strength to drag Dazai out but Dazai wouldn't move. No matter what he attempted, it all ended in failure before he was dragged away by a nice girl named Higuchi and Akutagawa's sister.

Two bodies rested at his feet as his expression remained dormant, glancing around the room as figures with black cloaks attacked everyone in their sight. But it seemed most of them were more focused on holding back teachers.

Vaguely Dazai wondered how different this would be if the headmaster were here.

It didn't matter all that much, a part of him honestly bathed in death and chaos, found comfort in it. But the safety was never there, the numbness never faded, and he still wished at least one of the people would just use the death curse on him already. If not for the two students (who were on the ground) he would have been dead honestly, they just got very unlucky in their timing.

Sighing deeply, he looked over in search of Oda when his heart sunk into the black hole of his stomach.

He... wasn't there.

In his mind it felt like something was missing, a key part of the puzzle that made his feel stupid for not figuring out.

Oh.

Oh god no-

Once it clicked, he immediately broke into a sprint.

No- no- no. Please- no this can't be happening.

Slamming into a kid, he held no hesitation in shoving them to the ground as he continued to run. Searching. He couldn't breath, his lungs sunk with his heart, there was nothing he could have done. Still even without breath he ran- he ran into walls he almost tripped multiple times, anything to get there in time and he didn't even really know where 'there' was.

It was only when he ran past a window did he stop dead in his tracks, something that caused another kid to roughly smash into him throwing him to the ground with a winded gasp. The kid standing right back up and continuing to run, leaving Dazai to wheeze in breaths he couldn't afford in attempts to stand back up. Once he managed with shaking and exhausted legs he used the wall to help with his footing. There, far enough was Oda and this man- standing on the outskirts of the forbidden forest.

Dazai doesn't even know how he ran so fast, he barely made it down the stairs without falling the entire way. The heavy door to the outside only proved as a small barrier as he pushed out. Still standing there- now fighting was Oda and the man. Their spells lighting up the raining dark night.

It was impossible to describe the level of dread that filled him, entire body falling numb for a split second as he was forced out of his body at the sight.

Fear.

Even if he hadn't collected himself, Dazai began running.

It's too far. There is no way I will make it. I won't make it. I'll kill him. I'm killing Oda for being too slow. He is going to die and his blood is on my hands.

Running proved futile just as he thought, because just as he was about to reach him the two dealt their last spell as the darkness enveloped them all. The man dropped first, Dazai was almost relieved for a second except for the fact a second later, Oda fell.

It should have been me.

"ODASAKU-"

Running over, Dazai finally managed to trip over something, mud splashing up against his uniform as he crawled the rest of the way to Oda in anguish. Oda slowly looked up as Dazai dragged him into his legs, breath shaky as he tried to figure out what he could do to help.

"Dazai." Oda's voice was strained yet he didn't look surprised to see Dazai, as if he expected this. "Dazai, listen to me. I need you to know-"

"No- no! Don't say it like that- don't say that you will still make it-!'

Reaching up, Oda grabbed the side of Dazai's face, making the kid gasp. "Dazai, listen to me. " Strained and stern, making Dazai quickly shut up and stare at him with wide eyes. "Dazai, you are so lost in self hatred and disgust, searching for a reason to live. You believed you would find it in darkness like your father, right?" It hurt to hear, leaving Dazai speechless. Oda didn't need an answer though. "You hurt people. You live in solitude and scare away people because you believe there will be something to find. But Dazai, I need you to listen to me." his grip tightening, making Dazai's breath hitch. "You will never find it."

...

"You will never find what you are looking for, Dazai. Whether it is in good or evil, not that there was ever much of a difference to you. You will never find what you are missing, everything around you will never be able to exceed your expectations. No one will ever truly be able to understand you, there will always be a distance between you and the world and you know this."

.. Why him? Why Dazai? Why was he cursed?

"..Odasaku... what do I do then?" Choking back tears that he forgot how to sheed. They were nothing like when Chuuya left him in that hallway. These felt like if they fell he would fall with them.

"Be good."

And Dazai fell with them. Tears overflowed as he harshly bit his lip.

"Be with people who wish to be good, leave your father and his life behind and stop festering in it. Learn to be like them, be around them.. Because trust me- even if it may be hard. I promise.." his voice dying a bit in his throat. "It will make your life just a bit more beautiful."

Blinking away the tears that wouldn't stop he choked back a sob. "I- I don't understand Oda.. How do you- you know?" His voice hitch every so often.

Oda's gaze softened ever so slightly, "Because I knew you Dazai."

It was barely even audible over the rain, his voice finally dying as his eyes fell closed. Hand falling and dragging the bandage that wrapped Dazai's eye with it.

"Oda..? Oda please- no please-" dropping his head to Oda's chest. "Please you can't leave me here! It's not fair-" He found himself nearly screaming as he could no longer hold back his sobs. Clutching Oda tightly as he broke down completely on top of him, body shaking violently. "You left me once, Odasaku! I can't do it again! I can't!" Trying to reason with the man that laid unmoving in his arms.

Leaving Dazai behind to weakly sob into him as if that would help.

Dazai Osamu was a liar

He was a pathic liar who could never stick to his words. He wasn't honest and could never tell a truth without running the risk of toppling the pyramid of cards he created from others suffering.

He didn't know how to tell the truth, all he could do was mask. He put on funny masks or sad ones, he knew when to put them on to get his way and he knew to never take them off even when alone. They were sewed to his face with no scissors to cut them off with, even if he did have scissors they would be no use. If he cut these strings they were like veins, they would bleed poison and kill all those around before being injected into his own body and killing him slowly from the inside out.

All he knew how to do was manipulate, he would control the situations he needed and even some he didn't need to. He would never allow the thought of control for others unless it was from an egotist. Because only Dazai was allowed to be in control, only he could know the big picture. Everyone else was forbidden of such.

Dazai Osamu was an anchor

He was nothing more than a weight, something that should be used and thrown deep when needed. He should be used and abused until there was nothing left for him. Till he became so useless no one would have any choice but to just let him go and sink to the bottom of the sea to die.

He dragged people down with him, anyone within arms reach. He would claw at them, dig his nails in and make sure they wouldn't swing away as they sunk to the deep without air. He would keep his own air for selfish means, refusing to share even if it mattered not to him. Even if he could live without the air in his lungs he would keep it and not let go. He would make sure the others ran out fast, he would seek comfort in their deaths unable to flee him.

He stopped things that didn't need to stop, he froze people and plans, he dug his feet into the ground even if people begged for him to let go. He sought amusement in their pleas of trying to get him off. It made his laugh to see them try to keep him under the water to kill him off as if it did anything. As if that would help them.

Dazai Osamu was a parasite

Like venom, he would sink into the bloodstream of those who dared come close. He would slowly take control of the victim, making them nothing more than a toy for him. Make them do his bidding and mock them along the way. He would ruin their life, take all the nutrients from the beings, take their thoughts and make them his.

He didn't even need to know the person to do this, he could have few conversations but they would be infected by him. So long as he was alive he would continue to spread and take more victims. He would take hold of more people than the common cold.

Then once he is done he leaves them for dead. Leaves them to pick up after his mess, barely able to survive without him. Becoming dependent as if he were a drug which was also something he could be compared to.

Dazai Osamu wasn't a good person

Even if he wanted he could never fulfil the wish Oda had. It wasn't in his blood, in his being. He couldn't be good- he barely understood what the term meant . How could he possibly be better?

Good and evil were nothing but perspective but that meant nothing. He was nothing. Even if he tried there is no way it would work because everyone knew. Everyone knew him and it's not like he could simply take that back. He was what he was created to be.

And 'good' was not something he was created to be.

It would be like shattering him and then ordering him to pick up the pieces of himself made of glass, but each time he got a piece it would cut his hand and make him drop it, then the shard would break into two and force him to restart.

Rock bottom was his normal. He was used to the chill of evil and numbness of inhumanity.

Dazai Osamu was his father

Dazai Osamu was a child.

A child poisoned by the world that surrounded him.

Sitting in the infirmary Dazai stared down at his bleeding bandages.

Human's don't bleed black.

Maybe it was just his head, but the bandages looked stained black. The ink oozed from the wounds that were well hidden by gauze, tucked away for only his eyes to see yet now they sunk out. It strived to infect others around by just a touch and he was helpless in means of stopping it.

Yosano stood in front of him, (she once tried to touch his bandages to help but Dazai stopped her before she got the chance. Not wanting to risk her getting infected by it.) staring him down and talking but Dazai couldn't hear a word. He figured she was lecturing him though. When he thought of her voice only one conversation rang in his head.

"Dazai, I won't sugar coat this for you. Oda is in a coma."

"But he will be ok, right?"

"..."

Dazai didn't keep time anymore, everyday he would look at a calendar but his mind wouldn't process the numbers, not really. They looked jumbled, twenty would be before twelve, April would look like May. Nothing made sense in his mind, almost like his mind wanted him to be unsure of everything around him. Truly it felt like his mind worked against him. Not like he felt attached to his body, trapped deep within his mind leaving him a shell.

Unlike before, Dazai dropped the act he tried to keep up around friends. Frankly, Dazai can't remember the last time he saw anyone.

Snapping in front of his face finally made him look up at Yosano, her eyebrows furrowed in concern. She spoke but he still couldn't hear anything, he vaguely understood he was hearing her. He could hear the words she spoke, they were noise- but it was just that. Noise. Chatter that he couldn't decipher. Part of him wondered if he cared what she said, if it was something important. Did it matter if it was? Was anything 'important' anymore?

He was tired. Exhausted and in constant discomfort.

Soon enough Yosano's voice became scratchy, painful on his ear and so fucking annoying. So Dazai stood up, arms limp by his side as he walked past Yosano who almost stopped him but hesitated. That hesitation was all Dazai needed to get passed. When he walked he glanced over at the calendar but his eyes didn't linger, he never seemed to linger on anything anymore.

He stood at the doorway, looking around at the crowd, unlike Yosano he didn't hesitate in walking out.

See. Dazai had felt this emotion before, his legs taking him somewhere and his eyes unable to focus. Vague he recognized that everyone in the hall dodged his wake as if he were a barrling cannon, walking to kill anything in his path. Were they wrong to assume such a thing really? They all shuffled quickly out of his way but they never looked away from him.

In all honesty, Dazai lost count on how long it's been since the accident happened. The days blended together full of hospital visits and tearing open his forearms, thighs, stomach- anything a blade could fit on really. The layers upon layers of bandages that wrapped around his body in order to avoid his body from utterly falling apart yet it felt more suffocating. Even with his eye now uncovered it felt like the bandages never left.

People stared, those who knew his relationship with Oda and others curiosity surrounding his eye. Since Oda removed the wrapping, Dazai hadn't replaced it. It felt disrespectful too.

His eye wasn't that surprising, breathtaking. If anything Dazai felt apathetic to it, vaguely grossed out but he never really cared all that much. There was no giant injury he refused to show anyone, not like it was missing or anything. No, it was just a slightly darker shade of brown and to the obliviousness of everyone around him Dazai could hardly see out of it. More dirt brown rather than his other hazel brown. However, it's not like it was noticeable now. Both his eyes fell dull, blank, and were constantly narrowed.

A few of his friends attempted to speak with him, but they would just go ignored. Everyone would be ignored and avoided.

Dazai slowly walked to the other side of the building, a side he didn't normally have to go to. His legs weren't under his control- he couldn't control his actions. He felt on autopilot, unable to find the need to be attached to his body again. Deep down he understood where they were taking him and he had no need to complain.

And eventually he finally got to his destination, he had no need to shove past the students making his way to the ledge and gazing over it. Deep. It was so deep and enticing. When Dazai saw it he compared the sight to his bandages. Black and never ending, a stain and terrifying. He liked it, it drew him in in a way nothing else would. It understood him, it knew what he thought.

Dazai has looked death in the face plenty of times and he knew it would be the only thing he could relate to, the only thing that listened and spoke to him. The only words his mind would pay attention to. He faced death and it smiled at him- Dazai had smiled back. The two of them met all the time, how couldn't death become friendly with him at this point?

Distantly he heard gasps rang out when he hopped up on the ledge with a swift movement, legs dangling over the edge. From here it felt all the better, liberating in a way he could never put into words- never wanted to explain it. Something only he knew- it was his and his alone.

He understood it would only take a strong wind to knock him right over. That thought was almost euphoric. In the past two weeks he has never felt this high before. it filled him with so much feeling, something other than that overwhelming emptiness he suffered from. Something other than the suffocating nothing that plagued him.

All it took was a shove, or loss of balance on his already numb limbs. He longed for that, he wished someone would just shove him off rather than just staring at the back of his head. Though, his dream of 'suicide' would be destroyed. But would it?

He would do all the work, he lines up the opportunity and he manipulated the situation to ensure he got his way. This is what he wants, it was his fantasy.

It would be so easy... Allowing everything to let go- allow his bandage to unwind and leak his posion everywhere, allow his body to fall apart.

Leaning forward he ignored the other wave of gasps. No one would dare step in, maybe there were some perks of people's fear to him, no one would dare do anything but stare. He was selfish, Dazai was a selfish boy who would gladly hurl himself down without an ounce of remorse for traumatising the kids behind him.

Instantly he recognized he had to do this. Dazai had no choice- if he had nowhere to go anymore. He couldn't stay here, not with the steadily approaching summer in around two months. Even if he had a few people that he knew like Atsushi, Kunikida, or Ranpo they wouldn't want to handle him. Hell, their parents might even fear him still.

Then there was Chuuya, he would rather jump here and now rather than ask. He considered asking a teacher, like Yosano or maybe Hirotsu. But he should know better than that.

He knew that if he really wanted he could make them take him in. It was all he was good for, manipulating people.

He wouldn't be missed, people would celebrate his death in all honesty.

In all his life, Dazai has never felt himself spiral so bad. He was always one to despise self pity, it led to a life of never ending hell. Yet, here he was. Pitying himself with no end in sight. He was being stupid, crying over Oda to this extent. He was dumb in the first place for caring so much over someone- everything that he every truly cares for.

Dazai knew he should force himself to get over it, play into the cheerful act he has been learning to do like some kind of circus show. But he couldn't even find it in himself to care much anymore. He always had something underlining to prove , prove himself to Oda. That he was worth the man's efforts and time, but now, with Oda on death's door. It didn't matter, he had nothing to prove and he had no reason to keep up with these brats that surrounded him- watching. God- always fucking watching.

Looking down at the pit he saw nothing, it was endearing in a sick and twisted way that he adored. It was 'calling for him' as people would normally say.

He felt his hand slowly losing its hold, leaning forward further and further right up until his grip finally let go fully.

Dazai apologied silently under his breath as he felt the sudden spike of adrenaline through him. Apologising for failing Oda's wish for him already. Sorry that he couldn't pull himself together, sorry that he just couldn't be a good person.

Cries and gasps rang out on his fuzzy ears. Everything felt fuzzy, the way the wind hit him, how his eyes couldn't even bother to focus on anything, the spike of pain on his shoulder, frankly his entire arm lighting up in pain. The sudden tug of him being pulled back into someone's arms.

... that shouldn't happen.

He chokes back a sharp cry of pain, his mind forced harshly back into his body- back to reality and realising what was happening. He felt a deep and heavy breath on the back of his neck as he is yaned back into a strong hold around his body, and a stinging in his entire aching body. Slowly, he turned to look back at who seemed to have grabbed him, eyes meeting bright red hair.

It was this unexplainable disappointment that overtook him at the sight of being saved. Of Chuuya holding onto him like a lifeline, fingers clawing into the fresh wounds of his chest, causing a pain that Dazai would never allow to show on his face.

Looking back down to the arms that wrapped around him, he taps them. "Chibi can let me go now, I'm no longer falling."

His remark seemed to be acknowledged but not in the way he would have wanted, instead, Chuuya literally dragged him off the railing, holding onto his arm as if he was trying to tear it off, Dazai honestly probably wouldn't find it in himself to care if Chuuya did. "What the hell were you fucking thinking?" He shouts, Dazai recognizes it probably managed to make him flinch but he couldn't quite tell if he did or not.

"My hand slipped." He remarks with a painfully monotone voice, his normal cheer wilted and gone full, missing the energy to keep it up.

"Bullshit!" He shouts, such high emotion, it could almost startle Dazai if he was still attached to his body. "What- Why did you do that?!"

Dazai just stared blankly, no words came to his head. He had no rebuttal.

Chuuya stared back at him, hands shaking slightly. But he couldn't find himself keeping the contact, glancing up and over to the crowd that surrounded him. It was disgusting, they all gawk and gasped at the two as if Dazai's life was nothing more than a sense of entertainment- a movie that they 'just couldn't look away from'! Like watching a car crash, a train wreck you just can't stop watching!

Like he was nothing but a toy.

No one seemed to notice his conflict, How he would desperately try to not meet the eyes, how his breath felt uneven and forced as if there were bees in his lungs. The way he bit the inside of his cheek hard enough it began to bleed- that disgusting virus excuse for blood.

At least, the thought no one noticed his conflict. Because even through Chuuya's clear rage (Why had he been so angry? Didn't he want Dazai dead? Was he even mad or did Dazai misread his emotion?) his hold on his arm softened along with his blurry expression. He tugged slightly on his arm and Dazai didn't have the energy to fight against him as Chuuya led him out of the bridge carefully, as if he finlay clocked into Dazai state and was now treating him like glass about to shatter.

Why was he being so out of character? He should be yelling- screaming at him. Pushing him over the rail instead of pulling him off. Why was any of this even happening?

..Where was Chuuya leading him? Dazai still couldn't really feel his body honestly, he couldn't find his voice in order to scream at Chuuya to just let him go- let him fall.

He was only able to get his barring once Chuuya stopped, the two of them now stood in the observatory, which kind of confused Dazai on how he managed to get here. But he still couldn't feel his tongue in order to complain, at least not yet.

"Dazai. I-" Chuuya began but his voice caught, lips pressing into a line as he considered his next words carefully. "I know what happened with Oda- and that you are struggling but you can't-"

Dazai felt his voice come back harshly in a wave, as if he finally got a large gasp of breath as he cut Chuuya off. "Can't what? Kill myself? Slit my wrists?" At the words Dazai saw Chuuya's eyes flicker to his stained bandages. "What's different now? I always try to kill myself."

Chuuya stared at him stunned for a moment before he shook his head, "no- no! Those- those were jokes-"

It was fair for Chuuya to assume so. Dazai wasn't all that vocal about his desire to die, when he did say anything he could play it off as a joke, something that wasn't serious. That he was nothing but a joke, "Does it look like a joke, Chuuya?" Tilting his head, a vile and mocking smile coming to his face.

Shaking his head, Chuuya took a step back. "Stop- fucking making that face at me!" He snaps, something that makes Dazai smile fall immediately into the blank slate.

"Why? Does it make you uncomfortable? " Taking a step forward towards Chuuya whose glare hardens. "Are you scared ?"

His eyes looked dead black, almost like there was no white at all. The darkness of the room casted a harsh blackened shadow over the top half of his face- to the point only his eyes could be seen only because they were so dark- darker than the shadow itself. His mouth curled up in a very small amused smile.

And honestly? The expression did disturbe Chuuya quite a bit.

Yet, he met his gaze head on, glare wavering slightly. "You're... so fucked." He chokes out, shrinking into himself slightly.

"And yet you still dragged me off-"

This wasn't Dazai.

"-You saved little old me even if I didn't fucking -" Chuuya flinched. "-ask you to."

This was the demon prodigy everyone feared.

This was the boy raised by a monster and took after the creature. This was the boy that knew almost all of the forbidden curses. This is the boy that hospizied a student. This was the boy that managed to get everyone to do his dirty work with the strings of fear.

This was the thing all his friends tried to warn him about.

"....Aren't you cute? Trembling in fear." Dazai mocks.

Chuuya's glare suddenly hardens as he reaches out, grabbing his collar with such force Dazai hears his neck crack. With a slight shake, Dazai expression dispersed as if it were never there. The shadow falls as his mouth parts in slight surprise. Even with a slightly shaking voice, he spoke. "I- know what you're doing." Ah.. it's like that time in the library. Dazai didn't realise he was doing it again. "You are trying to shove me away- trying to shove everyone away because Oda is fucking dead!" His voice peaking slightly as he takes a shaking breath,

Dazai still liked to tell himself Oda would wake up, Chuuya's words hitting him like a slap to the face. "And- and your fucking sad! I get it, ok? I fucking understand but that isn't a god damn excuse for the shit you are pulling!" His grip on his collar tightening as Dazai's eyes widened in shock, "Do you think- this- is what Oda had wanted for you?!"

Maybe he was still in psychosis but Dazai could have sworn he heard the sound of glass shattering the moment those words left Chuuya's mouth because no. This is the opposite that Oda asked of him, Oda asked of him to be a good person. Not- this.

But Oda would understand- he had to understand. Dazai couldn't be a good person- his blood was black. He was inhumane. He was a stain on this earth and he needed to die with Oda. He would get it- Oda would know if he saw the poison dripping from his bandages..

Finally Dazai managed to get an actual look at his forearms in front of him. The bandages coloured a bright red.

...

"Chuuya...

I think I'm going insane."