𓆩𓆪

Nandini's sandals scrapped the corridor floors as she strolled into the block leisurely. After a long lunch break with some other military staff who shared some stories about their families, she felt a little homesick. When the weekend would come, it would be nearly a month since she moved to Ahmedabad, and still, the thought of ringing her family up chilled her bones.

Facing them would mean addressing a part of her that she absolutely despised but that did not mean she didn't miss them.

She itched to hear their voices that would drip into her ears like honey with the care and concern they showered on her, much of which she did not deserve. And if at all she contacted her family, it would be merely minutes until the news would spread to Navya and Soha. As if being apart from her family was not already hard enough, not having her two best friends around made Nandini feel handicapped in her new persona.

Did she even recognise herself?

"I've been having some weird dreams..."

Nandini loudly gasped in a hiccupping manner and in reflex she retracted several steps. She was at arms' distance from a man that stood up from the chairs near her cabin and startled her thoroughly. How had she not noticed him at all?

"...and they're getting in the way of training, amongst other daily activities..." He continued, oblivious to the palpitating woman who was still recovering from the sheer shock of encountering him.

She palmed her chest and let her breathing resume to normal with closed eyes, which Smaran momentarily took note of. He did not know why he had come back after the skepticism he felt during their first session, but when he left he remembered feeling less burdened and rather uplifted; he wanted to experience that lightness one more time.

Her eyes were lined with kohl, and her lips beautifully moved as if she was praying.

Swinging her cabin door open, Nandini gave him enough space to make his way in. He comfortably sat on one of the chairs facing her nameplate. She came around the table and sifted through her calendar to check if she missed his appointment, but she hadn't.

He had never booked a follow-up appointment.

Nandini had hoped he wouldn't; after the previous boasting session, she did not find him open-minded enough to the idea of therapy and had assumed he would never come back. She did not take it personally either, there was very little room for improvement or progress with a patient who came in with predefined notions.

As much as she wanted to tell him off for showing up without prior notice, it would be against her moral policies to not tend to a patient when her calendar had an empty slot to accommodate him. Reluctantly, she put on her coat and sat in her chair, putting on her soft welcoming smile. "Tell me more. What do you see in them?"

"Do you know that feeling of being watched? That eerie uncomfortable feeling that you can't quite put into words why you feel, but when you look around there's nobody watching?" He exploded in expression, instilling a tiny bit of fear within Nandini.

"You feel that in your sleep?" She gaped.

"No," came his quick response that almost sounded rude and defensive, and after a long second of silence, he said, "I – maybe, I guess?"

Nandini crossed her arms and put her elbows on the table.

"Is that thing watching only you, or the rest of the soldiers in your dorm too?" She asked cursorily, trying to decipher his obscured actions.

"It's not just in the dorm, I feel it all the time. Day in and night out. To the point where I can't fall asleep anymore." He confessed still maintaining his rugged composure, feeling beads of sweat lace his forehead. "My days and nights are merging."

Nandini sighed, realising the story he was narrating was not as black-and-white as his problem was. "Look, Smaran, there's usually layers and layers of emotions associated with trauma. Not a lot of men your age have been through what you have been through. Unfortunately, I did not get a chance to go through your records but I suspect these dreams you're seeing are very likely hallucinations."

It was very important to talk through diagnosis and analysis with the patient, which was what Nandini was trying to do with Smaran and it would have worked well had Smaran been a cooperative patient.

"These hallucinations, or nightmares, are quite consistent with that of PTSD victims. I don't want to misdiagnose you without a proper examination but..."

Instead, he resisted firmly. With jagged breaths and rushing restlessness, Smaran gasped, "No. No, you don't understand. Some months ago, I was appointed under a team that worked on an insurgency operation... and... and..." Shallow breaths that were nearly choking him were recognised by Nandini.

"Take a deep breath for me." She urged patiently.

"And I..."

"Shh... deep breath."

He complied hesitantly but was immediately overcome by regret and another unnamed emotion, "The bombs... the blood..."

"One more for me." He tried and could not follow through. Jittery hands were beginning to sweat from the interiors of his palms, not escaping Nandini's glance. "Would you like to hold my hand?" She stretched out her hands and let them linger in his reach.

Very carefully, he drew his hands closer and fit them in hers gently.

The gesture did not freak her out.

"Does that feel better?" She asked gently.

"I'm a little afraid, Nandini." Smaran desperately blurted, feeling terribly helpless in his futile battle with his inner demons and hating how weak and worthless he was in comparison to their ever-strengthening spirits.

"I know. I know, and I'm here to help you." Nandini felt her eyes dampen, deeply moved by the extent to which he hopped out of his comfort zone, put some trust in therapy, and gave it a chance. It only implied how deep his wounds ebbed. She would do everything in her power to free him from his pain.

"You can trust me." When she said it, she meant it, and Smaran understood that too. "Do you want to start by talking to me about what you fear about being watched?"

When he did not speak for a while, Nandini thought of explaining her thought process and making him feel at ease about opening up.

"Sometimes to battle fear, you need to flip things around. For example, what is a scenario in which feeling watched can be a good thing? Aha, these days parents have these gadgets called baby monitors. My friend from back home is an engineer and very well-versed with these tech things, and she calls it 'spying' on kids, hehe, but it's to ensure their safety only na? It's not always realistic to be around someone twenty-four hours a day, so being watched in that context can keep the baby safe. That's not so scary now, is it?"

His lips curved ever so slightly at the insignificant personal stories the chatty girl managed to insert into their sessions, and despite disliking her eternal positivity, the sharp contrast in their personalities somehow demanded his attention and as a result, he found himself feeling more at ease.

More rooted in reality.

"I think I fear it because it reminds me of someone I do not want to recollect in that way."

"Did something eventful happen to make you feel that way?" She asked, despite having an inkling of the answer herself. Anyone could piece together given his military background, the insurgency operation he worked on, and his strong aversion to explosives that he lost some of the troops he worked with and was having a hard time coming to terms with being one of those survivors.

However, it helped patients to understand their complex feelings better when they voiced their problems and thoughts out on their own.

"My friend... left me forever in that operation." Tears filled his eyes and in an absent-minded motion, he rubbed his left wrist on the table, exposing a red mark.

A red star.

Nandini's eyes locked on it and she studied it intently.

That was until his finger came over it and blocked it.

She could swear on her Aiyappa that she had seen that symbol somewhere before.

And the same jitters she tried to soothe on Smaran were exercising their powers on her.

𓆩𓆪

And here comes the much-awaited track!

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