*MAKE SURE TO READ CH.20+21 FIRST- IT'S A TRIPLE UPDATE*

*TW: Suicidal thoughts*

Sleeping on the same bed as Izan had become the norm for us. Each night he came back from his Mafia meetings, there would be blood on him. He reassured me he only killed bad people, never innocents, and I didn't push any further.

If I knew anything about his not-so-innocent activities, I would be an accomplice, and then if I get caught by the police one day and they do a polygraph test, I'd fail the first question. I was a terrible liar. So, if I answered, 'I don't know,' I wouldn't be lying and pass the test. 

Criminal Minds was messing with my head.

"JJ is a badbutt," I commented once Izan got out of the shower and dropped next to me on his bed.

"Who's JJ?" he asked, and I gasped so loudly, ready to reprimand his lack of knowledge of all things great. "Is she a character in Criminal Minds?" he quickly added, fearing my wrath or my chattering.

I smiled when he finally started to get my random comments. 

He tolerated me for the past three months, and I applauded his efforts. I wouldn't tolerate myself for that long. Maybe I wasn't that bad. "Yes, she is a momma bear and will kill you if you go near her baby boy! I will kill anyone with ill intentions if they get near my babies, Alvaro included."

The side of his lips curled up, and it was the closest to a smile I could get from him. "Vera," he started as he sat cross-legged and faced me. I mirrored his position. "I think your dad knows you are with me."

My eyes widened. "Ça ne peut pas arriver. Cet enfoiré doit rester loin de sa famille," I yelled, while counting to ten in my head. [That can't fucking happen. That motherfucker must stay away from his family.]

"Did you just curse in French?" he asked with one raised eyebrow.

I nodded. "I never curse in English, and I know five languages. I will take advantage of them to the fullest," I explained, still trying to wrap my head around the fact that my dad knew my whereabouts. I was surprised it took him that long to figure it out, to be honest. "Are you sure?"

"Si, he sent his driver to deliver the message."

My heart was beating way too fast. "Robert? Please tell me you didn't kill him! He is the only good person there. And what message?"

"Yes, Robert, and no, I didn't kill him." He placed his hands on my shoulders to calm me down. I was hyperventilating. "Breathe, Vera," he guided me along, and I felt my heartbeats slow down after a few minutes of focusing on Izan's breathing. "You good?"

"Yes, thanks. Now, what message?"

"He said he would come and take you back, but that's not going to happen. Not while I'm still alive," he reassured me. I couldn't say anything, so I just nodded.

He will come and get me.

I so did not miss Mia, or Heath, or Dad.

"I would rather end my life than go back to that estate," I whispered without really thinking, and Izan's hands tightened on my shoulders. He didn't hurt me but made sure I looked him in the eyes. There were flames in his eyes, not literally.

He didn't like what I just confessed.

I didn't like what I unconsciously confessed, either.

Happy thoughts, Verena.

Happy thoughts only.

Don't go down that road... not again.

"Don't fucking say that again! I said you would never go back there, and I meant it. Don't bullshit with me, Verena!" he yelled at me for the first time since I got here. 

I didn't know what to do.

"Don't say things like ending your life that easily. Your life matters. You matter. To me, to my family, even to the mafia. You are worthy of owning the world even. Don't think of suicide ever again."

When I didn't say anything and avoided eye contact at all costs, he cupped my cheeks with so much pain in his eyes. "Vera, did you think of taking your life before today?" he asked carefully, and I felt my tears on the verge of falling, tickling my lashes. 

This was the only secret I had and kept from Izan. He deserved to know after everything we had been through.

Let's hope he does not get disgusted by me.

"Not just think..." I muttered, but he heard me loud and clear as he sucked in a breath. "Four years ago." 

It felt good to let it out and share it with the right person. Only one person knew about this before, and he was the wrong person for all kinds of reasons.

Izan swiftly pulled me into his lap and wrapped his arms around my whole body, shielding me from my own thoughts. If only. "How?"

I buried my face in his neck and womaned up. "Drowning. It was a very bad day, and I tried to drown myself in my bathtub. But Heath pulled me out when he came to visit and saved my life."

Izan tensed under me but didn't say anything, and I appreciated his silence. "He didn't save me because he cared about me. Of course not. He saved me because he literally said I should die on his own terms and not mine. He wanted to control every aspect of my life, even my ability to die." 

Tears were now like waterfalls, soaking his shirt. I didn't like crying, but it was comforting.

"Besides Heath and now you, no one knows about that day. I didn't tell my dad, and Heath kept quiet about this for his own benefit."

"What the actual fucking fuck?" Izan cursed after a while of silence, startling me in his arms. He gently squeezed and said, "Sorry, that son of a bitch-"

"If I look at the broader picture," I cut him off. "Heath saving my life that day made it possible for us to meet. So not everything about my stupid attempt was bad," I tried to ease the tension, but Izan was too railed up to calm down.

"Hey, listen to me, Vera." He sighed and held my gaze. "Nothing is stupid about you. You had those overwhelming emotions that day and acted upon them. I understand where those thoughts come from since I had them for years. But ever since I met you, the voice at the back of my head seemed to vanish into the abyss each day I spent with you," he confessed with a strained voice. 

I couldn't feel surprised he had thought of suicide before. With his past, I could only imagine what he felt every day he was reminded of that substitute teacher. 

"Vera, please don't hide any of those thoughts from me if they ever occur again. I pray they don't..." I nodded, not feeling the need to say anything.

He leaned closer to my face and kissed my forehead, creating a sea of warm emotions in my heart.

"Can I see the scars on your back?" he suddenly requested, catching me off guard. Even since the day he saw them by accident, he never brought it up again. 

The scars were imprinted on my skin for me to feel and see.

"Why?" I looked everywhere but his face. 

That curtain is marvelous.

"I want to count them," he vaguely replied. I wasn't following where he was going with this. I was overwhelmed. "Don't ask and just show me, por favor."

I gave up on asking again and nodded. 

To my displeasure, he released me from his bear hug, and I turned around so that my back was facing his chest. I slowly unbuttoned my shirt and slid it down my back but kept my chest covered. I wore a bra, yet I was not used to this kind of exposure. 

I never wore a bikini or got naked with a man before, so this was awkward, at least to me.

Heath used to whip me with the belt above my clothes, forcing him to blow harder. He made sure they became permanent.

I glanced at the mirror on my left and saw Izan's emotionless face become filled with anger and sadness. 

His fingers went over each and every little and big scar with such delicacy. I closed my eyes and enjoyed the contact. 

"Forty-three," he whispered. 

I snapped my eyes open when I felt his palms cover my whole back. He was caressing my skin as if he was touching a newborn. His forehead rested on my shoulder, and I stayed silent.

"Too many for you but too little for him." 

~~~ 

17.01.2024 

My babies are so good together, don't you think? 

Notes: If you're having suicidal thoughts, please talk to someone: a friend, a family member, or an aiding center near you. Don't bottle things up. Share your struggles with at least one person. You are not alone. P.S. My DMs are always open if you feel like sharing.

 You matter.